Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Emo,

Thank you for reaching out again and letting us know where you are at. It takes great courage to speak out and share a distressing situation and we are so glad you have done so. We're so sorry to hear what you're going through right now. Dealing with grief over your father’s death, experiencing abuse and not getting compassion and help from your previous GP are very difficult things to be going through. Please keep remembering that you have every right to live in peace and safety and that you deserve kindness and respect.

Our Support Service is currently reaching out to you as we are concerned for your wellbeing and safety.

As tranzcrybe said it was your GP’s obligation to follow up on reports of abuse. We hope you can find another GP who will listen to your concerns and take action. We also urge you to reach to our Support Service which is available to you 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or if you are more comfortable with chat and text, you can contact them through online chat (3pm-midnight) at www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of the friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings and experiences with you and can offer some great support as well as advice and referrals to help you through this.

We also urge you to contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely, supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation, including those who are unsure about the steps to take, and you can contact them anytime on 1800 737 732 or through https://www.1800respect.org.au/  

If you are concerned for your safety at any point, you must contact triple zero for immediate assistance.

Please do keep posting here to let us know how you are going, and we hope that you can find advice and support from our wonderful community.
 

[Emo]

Hi tranzcrybe,

Thank you for being concerned about my safety. I’m not used to people actually caring about me. I don’t know why you care about me. After what I’ve been told all these years by my husband about how disgusting and worthless I am, how I’d be better off dead, I struggle to think I’m worth anyone’s concern. You’d be better off forgetting about me, my minds so twisted by the abuse.

I married my husband so I have to stay. I married for life, my parents were married until my dad died after they were married 51 years. I need to be married for that long too or I’m a loser. People will look at me as a failure if I divorced him. I need to just keep accepting him abusing me and stay in my car for safety when I can. I can’t leave him or my secret shame will become public knowledge.

I just want him to get help. I hope he will one day. It’s probably my fault why he does it. I folded a towel the wrong way the other day according to him and he started to yell at me which I just have to take or it gets worse. I made one mistake during it as I started to say I’m sorry which resulted in me getting assaulted. It was my fault, you don’t talk when he’s talking, he had stopped I thought when I spoke but it was wrong of me either way.

I can’t believe I’m telling you whats happening to me. There are worse things he’s done to me but it’s too much for other people to hear. It feels so good to talk about the abuse anonymously as I’d never do it if people knew who I was. I wish I could talk about it but all I can manage right now is texting or emailing as I can’t say the words. It’s too hard to tell people my husbands abusing me in almost every form of abuse there is. I’m not sure what to do as I’m still with him so I deserve it, maybe I still love him too that’s why I’m still with him? I married him so it’s just part of a marriage, it’s just the bad part.

I appreciate your thoughts on my dads death and grief. Todays a better day grief wise as I seem to be focused on being safe and not getting hurt by my husband. I’m not sure if I’ll look for another GP yet, I’m still hurt by his reluctance to listen to me. I didn’t realise that they have to report domestic violence. Maybe it’s good he ignored me as I don’t want my husband getting charged, I just want him to get help.

I’d better go as I can’t stay in the car all day. I need to just deal with what happens. Thanks for your concern. I can’t believe anyone cares about me.

Regards,

Emo.

[Ggrand]

Hello Emo...

I have been listening along here..as your story some of it could be my story..

I married my late husband when I was two weeks over 18..to get away from my very abusive childhood of sexual, physical and emotional abuse..My late husband was kind and caring towards me, for a few months then his true nature emerged....I was sexually, physically, and emotionally abused by him...I went from bad to worse.

38 years I was married to him and lived a life that I was ashamed off..So many things went on behind closed doors, that if I told anyone..I wouldn’t be believed..Even one of my psychologist, closed her doors to me...

I probably would still be with him, and getting abused even at my age now....if he hadn’t died..because I was so scared of him, even to try to leave....Your story of you folding the towel wrong, brought tears to my eyes as I remembered me folding one of his shirts wrong..I just took his abuse over something so trivial..because I thought I was wrong and deserved the abuse....If I said something back to him..I would have been physically hurt..

When I came here to Beyond Blue, I was to ashamed to speak the whole truth..it took a while..but eventually I opened up here, and I thought how could people be so nice and caring to me...I don’t deserve that..It took me a long time to realise that I do deserve people’s care through these forums I learned to accept that care...as you also do deserve our care and support..

Many times..I would hide in my car for safety..or when he locked me out..This is was no life for me..nor is it for you..There are so many places that now offer help for people living with domestic violence...

Please from the depth of my heart, I’m asking you to reach out to these organisations..It is wrong the way he is treating you....It’s not you or your fault..You deserve respect, to be treated with kindness and care..You deserve to feel safe...He will never change..because that’s who he is...I thought I could change my husband...how wrong I was.....

My husband has been gone 7 years now..but the abuse over those years continues to be replayed over and over again in my mind...He has greatly damaged my soul...I don’t want this to happen to you or anyone else...

Please Dear Emo..look after you and your safety....That’s so very important...Please reach out for help..

My kindest thoughts with lots of care Dear Emo..

Grandy..

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

Thank you for keeping in touch - you are very gracious and eloquent and might be surprised by the many people here who care, and are supporting you through your struggles, with thoughts and prayers if not written words.

I understand your loyalties to the bonds of marriage, but I think you would agree this is not a workable long term solution. Your love is strong but you are unable to speak up to your husband to seek the help he needs and I feel you may be enabling the behaviour, which is only likely to get worse if left unaddressed - and what value will your marriage longevity be if you do not survive the abuse?

Your father was a stabilsing force in your life and his presence sounds to have been a strong protection for you - mentally and physically. Your mother offers no such concern and I fear your lack of support may pose greater safety risks for you.

I realise you are concerned about public perception (and you would not be a "loser", but rather the "victim") - do you have others nearby with whom you could confide in for back up and emotional strength? You may not be alone in your suffering and this could become the catalyst for change.

With sensitive intervention, you may also be proactively saving your marriage.

Stay strong, Emo, and believe in yourself. I hope you can keep us posted with updates and just so we know you are safe.

Regards,

t.

[Emo]

Hi Grandy,

Thank you so much for reaching out to me. Your life is my life. I’m so sorry you had to go through what you did. It matches exactly what I’m going through. I wish I was as strong as you. Reading your post made me realise that I do deserve to be helped and cared for. I’m sick of hiding my secret shame from everyone.

I’m not sure if I can be strong enough to leave him as I feel like I’m still in love with him maybe. I know exactly what you mean about not feeling you deserve anyone caring about you. I feel like I’m wasting everyone’s time as there are other people who are more worthy of help than me.

I don’t want to end up seriously hurt or worse but I can’t see my way out of the relationship as I feel like I deserve what happens to me and I’m not sure if he really means to hurt me. I’ve been trying to push help away as I feel like I don’t deserve anyone’s help but I’m going to stop pushing people away and start accepting people’s help.

Thank you for opening up to me as it’s really helped me.

Regards,

Emo.

[Emo]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

Thank you so much for your kind words. It’s really good to hear nice things said about me as it makes a nice change from the hurtful words I normally hear. I feel very lonely but I’m starting to realise how amazing the community members who post in the forums are. They seem to genuinely care about me and my situation. I’ve never felt this good about myself in a long time.

You’ve made a really good point about the length of my marriage not mattering if I don’t survive it. It opened up my eyes to the fact that the abuse could have very bad consequences. I guess I knew that could happen but I try to avoid thinking too much about it, if I did I would probably shut down completely and stop reaching out to anyone.

Your words are so insightful as I hadn’t realised what my dads presence in my life meant until you said to me that my dad had a stabilising effect on my life. That explains why the loss of my dad sent me into a downward spiral. I’ve lost the anchor to keep my life together.

Im unfortunately on my own without any support as I’m not allowed friends as my husband doesn’t want me to talk to others, I think in case I tell them about the abuse. There is one person who is a friend of his that I could maybe talk to but everything I say would be repeated straight back to him.

I have no one to talk to. That is why I’m so grateful that I can post here because before I started posting I was just coping with everything on my own. I had become so overwhelmed that I was afraid of doing something to myself just to end the pain, I felt that was the only way out so I reached out for help via this forum.

I’m so grateful for your concern and support. Thank you.

Regards,

Emo.

[blondguy]

Good Morning Emo

Thankyou for taking the time to reply (not that we expect a response) to myself and everyone. You speak from the heart. I am sorry you are in this situation especially when you mentioned 'Im unfortunately on my own without any support as I’m not allowed friends as my husband doesn’t want me to talk to others'

I meant it when I said you are amazing...because you are! Thankyou for the super complimentary feedback too

Great to have you as part of the Beyond Blue forum family Emo

my kindest always

Paul

Polite Note....Your well being is paramount....all other considerations are secondary

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

With no one else to talk to, I am so thankful you chose to reach out here on the forums. It must be so difficult to keep everything bottled up inside and you are incredibly strong and selfless making the sacrifices and justifications for your husband's mistreatment.

Grandy has been where you are now, and I concur with her words for you to seek assistance. I also understand your reticence over 'rocking the boat' and all of the upheaval that comes from instigating change - particularly in the midst of your own emotional turmoil with your father's passing. But, as Paul alluded to, you must show care for your well being as priority.

You are a beautiful person with much to offer and share and I hope you can see us as friends by your side with whom you can freely express your feelings, struggles, and expectations along the way.

Kind regards,

t.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Emo, and everyone...🤗..

I wish I was strong, I have 3 sons..2 that we raised, The middle was was adopted out..because of trickery and threats by my husband and father in law..I was so weak when I was with him..and because of me..my other 2 sons were mentally and at times physically abused by their father....Something I cannot forgive myself for...

Like you I wasn’t allowed friends, my children weren’t allowed their friends to visit....Life was hell on earth for me..but I was scared to leave him....and I still loved him...it’s strange isn’t it..that we can be both scared and still love them...I think it’s not love but a dependence on them, because we are groomed to feel useless and pathetic without them..

I really hope that you can find help somewhere to get you out of the position you are in....Please don’t don’t give up trying precious lady...you’re so worth a life of true love and happiness...Don’t believe what you’ve been told or what you’re thinking...These type of people groom us to feel, unloved, worthless, useless, to depend on them..

I am also so pleased that you’re talking here...I believe the longer you are in your situation..the more damage it will do to your soul...the harder it will be for you to heal...I can’t tell you to leave him....that has to be your decision...because we are no related...but if you were my sister or best friend I can and I would tell them to just pack there clothes and move somewhere safe...

I’m sorry if I said wrong..I know it’s a very delicate situation your in...your hearts being torn in 2 ..by the love you have for him and wanting to help him....then wanting to escape from his abusive self...

Talk anytime you feel the need to...we are all here for you precious lady... we care for you and you matter a lot to us...

Grandy..

[Emo]

Hi Paul,

I appreciate all of the wonderful members who respond to me so I feel the least I can do is reply to everyone. I felt so alone before I reached out for some help but now I honestly feel like I am truly part of a family. It means the world to me that I can safely talk about my troubles in such a non judgemental way so thank you.

Regards,

Emo.