Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[Emmen]

Dear Emo,

I am so sorry to hear of your circumstances. No one deserves to go through the kind of abuse you go through and stay silent about it. You don't deserve this. Please understand that. If your partner is abusing you, you don't have to stay with him. You have done nothing to deserve those cold nights sleeping in a car just to escape the abuse. A home should be a place you feel comfortable in, not one that you run away from because it's causing you so much anguish.

It's must feel so lonely, knowing that you've lost that one person you had such a close bond with. It's okay to take time to grieve. But to do that best, you have to give yourself the space for that. You can't stay with an abusive partner and grieve, you'll only keep blaming yourself for the abuse and for every terrible thing that happens to you. Even when it's not your fault at all.

Emo, the fact that you think that you deserve the abuse is a result of the abuse. It's how the abuse has affected you, and changed your thinking. The only way to reclaim yourself and your life is to give yourself the chance to live freely without your partner.

Your mother is grieving too. People deal with grief in different ways. Those who date again aren't forgetting their loved ones, it's just how they process the fact that this person who has been in their life for so long has gone. Perhaps your mother is afraid of feeling lonely. You don't have to confide in her if you feel that you can't. But please, do right by yourself and consider leaving this abuse.

If you're ready, I'd suggest calling 1800RESPECT and talking to their counsellors about the domestic abuse and your options.

We care about you, Emo, and don't want to see you get hurt. If you wish to talk more, this forum space is for you. Do update us if you are ready to and share how you're doing.

Warmly,
M

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

I normally encourage couples to work through their differences - talk, and express what is and isn't working (or even what's fair). But in your case, I can only say you should remove yourself from harm immediately. No one deserves the treatment you are experiencing regardless of circumstances - and sleeping in your car is not a way to find a 'compromise'.

Failing to find a counsellor, I suggest you see your GP re the bruises etc., and they will refer you onto the necessary services for protection. You have much to live for as your own person and shall find a purpose beyond your present nightmare.

Thank you for being brave and please continue to seek help - what you are enduring is unacceptable.

Regards,

t.

[blondguy]

Hi Emo

Im sorry for the recent loss of your dad. Two months ago may as well be 5 minutes ago...so very recent. To answer your thread topic...Yes in time you will learn to live with the loss of your wonderful dad. I understand your pain losing our dad....Its a hollow awful feeling

I am sad that you are experiencing abuse at home as you posted above. Emmen and tranzcrybe have provided super caring advice above

Please make a double appointment with your GP as your health and quality of life is paramount. Most GP's have a better awareness regarding abuse and our mental health than even 10 years ago. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose by doing so

Just a friendly note...the forums are a safe and non judgmental place for you to post Emo

you are amazing

my kindest

Paul

[Emo]

Dear Emmen,

Your reply came at a really crucial time in my day as I’d just received some awful abuse compounded by the fact that I’d had to sort out dads paperwork. I was feeling at my lowest and thinking what’s left in my life as the one person who made my life worth livings gone.

You really pulled me out of the hole I was in as it’s been hard sleeping in my car at night but it’s getting warmer at night now so it’s not so bad. When you explained how I wouldn’t be able to grieve while I’m getting abused it all made sense. I get low when I miss my dad then I get called awful names or physically assaulted by my husband and I feel like I deserve the abuse as I shouldn’t be still grieving for my dad. I just want to be safe to remember my dad and grieve but that will never happen.

I’ve tried talking to my mother again about how it must be hard for her without him and how Father’s Day was pretty hard to cope with so soon after he died and her response broke me. She said I don’t know what you’re upset about you’ll have a new dad very soon. It felt like she’d punched me in the stomach. No one can replace my dad. Is it wrong to stop seeing my mother until I can cope with my grief a bit better?

I’m so conflicted about my husband as I married him for better or worse and maybe this is just worse. I tried to tell my mother a couple of things he did to me like call me awful names and make me do things she said that’s just part of marriage. My dad never laid a finger on my mother so why does she think it’s all ok?

Maybe when he hurts me so badly he doesn’t really mean to do it. Maybe it’s my fault for hoping to not get hit or abused in my marriage. He’s probably right that I deserve it as I should let him do whatever he wants to me. I need to stop trying to protect myself. I’m just so tired. I feel like I should be grateful that he even wants to look at me. Maybe I’m as disgusting looking as he says.

When people meet him he comes across as charming but he’s not. He has another side to him which he hides from others. I think that’s why it’s easier to hide the abuse as they’d never know what goes on behind closed doors.

I’d better stop now as my emotions are getting the better of me. I’m supposed to keep these things to myself as it would be very bad if he found out I was reaching out for help. I hate having to hide what I’m going through in my life. Thank you for replying to me.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Emo,

We're so sorry to hear what you're going through right now. However, we are so grateful that you decided to reach out to our friendly community, and we hope that you find some help and advice in the great support they have all offered. Please know that you are strong, valuable and you have a right to live free from abuse.

Our Support Service is also currently reaching out to you as we are worried about you. As Emmen mentioned, we would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely, supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation, and you can contact them anytime on 1800 737 732 or through https://www.1800respect.org.au/ 

We'd also echo the great advice given by tranzcrybe and Paul in having a chat to your GP about what you're currently going through. You're also always welcome to reach out to our Support Service, which is available to you 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or through online chat (3pm-midnight) at www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of the friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings and experiences with you and can offer some great support as well as advice and referrals to help you through this.

However, if you ever you feel unsafe, it's really important that you contact triple zero and ask for the police. We know it has taken a lot of strength and courage for you to share your story today, so thank you. We hope that you can find some comfort in the forums and please feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey. 

 

[Emo]

Hi tranzcrybe,

Thank you for replying to me. I feel like I should be grateful that he married me so I’m not able to leave him as I married him. I take my vows very seriously. Maybe he will stop hurting me one day. It had gotten worse but at the moment it’s a bit better but that could be because I’m sleeping in my car to avoid him when he’s at his worst. It’s not so bad sleeping in the car now as it’s getting warmer overnight. I paid out for a motel for a couple of nights around the time my dad died as the temperature was -4degrees. It’s not an option any more as my money is being monitored very closely now.

Those nights were my chance of freedom but he was still abusing me via the vile and disgusting texts he was sending me telling me to end my life as I didn’t deserve to live. Luckily I was stronger then but it did make me question why I bother as there didn’t seem to be much to live for after my dads death.

He likes to play mind games with me as he also sent me texts earlier saying he was sorry and I should come back to him as he will get help. He knows just what to say to me to make me go back to him.

I appreciate your suggestion about seeing my GP but he was no help at all. My usual one passed away so I’ve just gone to another GP at the same clinic. I tried to tell him how I’m really sad about my dad and maybe I need some help with that. He said I don’t. I had to beg him for some help with counsellors names and I also asked for some help medication wise which he gave me reluctantly. He said not to bother doing either.

I’m normally a very strong person as I’ve dealt with the abuse for years now but the death of my dad has pushed me over the edge. For me to reach out for help meant I was desperate. I tried to show him the marks on my arms and face but he wasn’t too concerned. I tried to reach out to him and tell him that it’s my husband hurting me but he was more interested in getting me out the door.

I’m never going back to him again as I need someone who will listen to me. I’m not sure if I will have the courage to tell another GP what I’m going through but I can’t talk to him any more. I guess I need a new doctor.

Thank you for your last comment about what I’m enduring is unacceptable. I just feel like I deserve everything that he does to me but maybe I don’t.

Regards,

Emo.

[Emo]

Hi Paul,

Thank you for your reply. Just you saying those words about how my dad passing away two months ago may well have been 5 minutes ago. It’s let me know that it’s ok still to be upset over my dads passing. I’m always very tough on myself as I feel like I should have stopped grieving for him by now but I’m still crying when I see something that reminds me of him. Grieving is very hard, it is what made me reach out for help with the loss of my dad and also to finally try to reveal to my Dr what has been happening to me. As you will see by my reply previously it didn’t go very well.

Your friendly note at the end of your post about this being a safe and non judgmental place to post helped me a lot. I worry what people will say to me if they know what I’m going through as you’re supposed to keep everything to yourself. If people know I’m being abused then they might just say leave but it’s not as easy as that. I’m not emotionally strong enough to do that. It’s hard to understand but I think I still love him and maybe he doesn’t mean to do it. My mind is so twisted now by all of the things I’ve been told that I’m not sure what I truly feel anymore.

Sorry I think I’ve gone off on a bit of a rant there but it’s so good to be able to discuss things safely and anonymously. I can’t have him find out I’m reaching out for help.

Thank you for your post ending with ‘your amazing’. It feels nice to hear a nice thing said about me as I’m not used to hearing anything nice. It makes me feel like I’m not so worthless after all. Maybe I do matter to someone.

Regards,

Emo.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

You are certainly a faithful wife and I admire your strength of conviction. However, your husband has a serious behavioural problem for which you are suffering the consequences.

Sorry your first GP was so useless - domestic violence is a crime and GPs are obligated to follow up reports of abuse (your text messages would support your evidence). I hope you find another or can ring the other support lines mentioned - I don't want to see you get hurt or even sick from your choices.

Please forgive my not referring to your father's passing - I was so distracted by immediate concerns for your welfare. I also have lost parents and can relate to the overwhelming flood of hopelessness whilst having to do so much work to finalise personal affairs, which further dredges past memories and sadness. At times I would just slump and stare at the walls, but then I could jump back into action and feel more positive about the better times as I wasn't reflecting on what is gone, but of the memories retained.

Grief must follow its course and you will emerge with acceptance in time - your own time will vary from others but you will get there. I think a little stays with you like a scar but you will tend to look upon it fondly when in times of need.

Please take care of yourself, Emo.

Regards,

t.

[Emo]

Hi Sophie_M,

I’m so grateful that you and your team have reached out to me. I’m just really struggling with talking about what I’m going through as I feel like I’m not worth people worrying about me. I’m ok with texting and emailing but actually saying the words, I’m being abused and going into the awful details is too much for me. I don’t deserve any help as it’s my fault I’m in the situation I’m in as I married him, but he hasn’t always been like this I don’t think.

I’m so ashamed by what I’ve let him do to me that I can’t tell anyone about it. I have to keep it a secret. No one can ever know about what he’s done to me. I can’t talk about it which is why I reached out and posted part of my story on this forum as it was slowly killing me inside keeping my secret.

Here when I post I know no one will judge me. Also no one knows who I am as my privacy is the only thing I have left. I’m scared to death of other people finding out who I am. The other issue is my husband finding out that I’m reaching out for help. If he finds out it would be dangerous for me.

I’m sorry that I’m bothering you again but I’ve locked myself in my car for safety again tonight and I feel like what’s the point at the moment. Would it be so bad if he just did whatever he wanted with me? I just want him to get some help. I’m just so tired as I’ve had a really bad night with him. I just want to feel safe again. I don’t know why he does it to me. What am I doing wrong? I’m so sorry for whatever I’ve done to make him this angry and dangerous.

Maybe I just need to stop hoping for a change. I’m so confused, I wish I knew how to make it better. If I could stop the abuse then maybe I could grieve for my dad safely. I’d better stop bothering you as I know you must have more people to help than stupid me. Thank you for listening.

Regards,

Emo.