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When does childhood torment end I'm so tired
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Struggling right now with stuff that I thought I'd left behind. I'm usually so in control of things but I just feel like a huge damn mess. I'm mid 40's and still can't shake my childhood, I just want these horrible flashbacks to go away. I'm sick of the power my parents abuse has over me. I just want some peace, I've tried to put this in a box and never deal with, speak or think about it but it just feels like it has me in a death grip and nothing I do or try is working. My kids and husband don't know some of the things that have happened as I just don't trust anyone enough to talk or tell them. It's like I have a heavy weight dragging me down and nothing can help me. I feel like I am two different people wearing a mask. The good one and the real messed up one
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Dear Calmum
Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I am sorry you are having a hard time because of your childhood memories. Flashbacks are hard to live with because they force you into the past and the bad experiences you have had. At BB you are in a safe place. No one knows who you are and no one will harm you in any way. We are here to help each other make sense of our various traumas and live a fulfilled life. So how can we help you?
From my own experience of flashbacks I have decided to start facing them. I have a lovely psychiatrist who is helping me make sense of my life and the hurts I have received. I have found that the more we push these memories down, refuse to even acknowledge them and pretend they don't exist, the harder it is to live a normal life. Every so often they pop into the mind and there is nothing we can do to stop this happening.
Did I say 'nothing'? There is something we can do. We can decide that enough is enough and that we will work to eradicate these memories. Not by pushing them down harder and locking them away as this does not work. We can take small peeks into the darkness and take out the happenings one by one, examine and acknowledge them, understand why they have such a firm hold and then throw them away. I cannot do this on my own and I believe most people cannot do this alone. We work with a skilled professionals who will help us gradually dismantle the past and give us peace in the future.
Step one is to talk with your GP. Book a long appointment and tell him/her that you have decided you want to heal from these bad memories. Your GP will help and guide you in this conversation. Ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. I suggest this rather than a psychologist for several reasons. It is usually cheaper. Medicare will reimburse a large portion of the fees, although there will in all probability be a gap fee to pay. Psychologists tend to look at what is happening in the here and now, which is good for many people. Psychiatrists look at the long term hurts and help you see where they came from and why and how they impact on your life.
Most of the people who write in here feel they are wearing a mask, so you fit right in. We also drag a weight around with us and would love to lose it. It's good you have come here and well done, because it's not an easy thing to do. We can support you and share our stories. I hope you will stay and talk to us. Please talk to your GP and tell us as much as you wish about your journey.
Mary
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Hi Calmum. Dealing with childhood abuse is extremely hard and painful. I have been through it and I totally understand. My dad was narcissist/alcoholic, extremely abusive, although not violent. My mother non-caring, emotionally cold. I was also sexually abused by a brother whenever he pleased. When we are children, we expect our parents to guard us, love and protect us. Our parents are our whole life, we rely totally on them for everything. If they fail to provide for us, we either stray and get into trouble or we realize we can do better. In order for you to heal and become whole you need to accept you caused none of what happened. Your power was removed by parents who abused your trust. The flashbacks you are experiencing are PTSD, these will lessen over time, but you are going to need support and guidance to deal with them. Depression can cause PTSD, our returned servicemen saw some horrific action and many of them returned emotionally scarred and suffering PTSD. Each time you experience a flashback, tell yourself it is a bad picture and it can't hurt you. It can upset you - yes, but physically it can't hurt you. Memories are upsetting, but they are pictures and can be countered by enjoying things that make you happy. When you get these pictures in your mind, if it is daytime, walk into the sun, start slowly breathing, concentrate on your breathing. Focus on something that makes you feel happy and peaceful. Your children playing, your husband talking. If you experience a 'picture' and it is nighttime, try focussing on a hobby that you enjoy. The trick is to focus completely on something that makes you happy and concentrate on your breathing while you focus. Keep reminding yourself it is a picture rather like a horror movie. In time as you learn to relax and focus, you will start letting your husband in to your past. He may not fully understand, this is because he may never have experienced a toxic home life. Take it slowly and concentrate on your breathing and focussing.
Lynda
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I hope you both find peace and support, love here. I have much for you both.
Please look after yourself and know you are loved.
Share as much as you like and need to - shout, scream, be angry, be upset, cry...thats ok. but also know there is help out there and healing too.
Take care x
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Hi CJs_mum. Thanks for the caring words. I actually have managed to overcome most of my past problems. My parents are both deceased and I decided to give their **** back to them as a 'parting gift'. The PTSD is under control, and, while I will never be fully free of the flashbacks I now recognize them for what they are, and I control them now. I recognize what triggers them and can usually avoid the triggers. I no longer carry resentment as part of my life's possessions. You can't resent people who no longer exist, my sibling, to me, no longer exists, so I returned his abuse. Most of my healing has been as a direct result of these forums and a wonderful, supportive bf who listened and helped me banish those who had hurt me.
Lynda
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Hello Calmum
Haven't heard from you since your initial post. Are you well? I hope you will return to the forum and talk with us. I look forward to another post.
Mary
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Thanks for your thoughts and suggestions. I did speak with my GP and I have started on some meds. He referred me to a psych and I've seen her a couple of times. It's very hard to talk about things that I've tried so hard to put away, I still feel like I'll never get through this or even find some peace for myself. Isn't it funny how you can hold stuff together for everyone else and be who they need but for yourself it's difficult every day to even be able to look in the mirror without hearing and seeing the broken shell. I know I'm strong for others I just need to find the strength for myself. I guess one small step at a time, but it feels like a mountain right now.
I feel selfish to just take time for myself but I know I need it, especially when I'm used to being in control it's so scary to let go and be the mess that I am. Im still having a lot of flashbacks and that's making life pretty difficult especially the nightmares, it's hard to sleep for the fear of them. My husband has been fantastic but I'm struggling to let go to tell him some things. I guess because I don't want him to feel differently about who I am. My psych says this is normal but it's hard to explain to him.
Just really confused, anxious and angry right now but I'm determined not to let them win or give up on myself, even if the voices in my head are telling me I'm not worth it.
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Hello Calmum
Lovely to hear from you again and so pleased you are starting on your healing journey. Yes it is hard. It seems bad enough when these thoughts and memories jump into the mind, but to deliberately open the door to them sounds foolish. Yet this is the way home.
Telling your husband about your past is also hard. I cannot tell you how he will react. In general I would say that your husband loves you and would be dismayed at learning your hurts, but not dismayed with you. I cannot tell you what to do in this case. Probably your psych can help there. Is this a psychiatrist or psychologist?
I do have a suggestion. Why not write a letter to your husband? Tell him all the past traumas, how you feel about them now and what you are hoping to gain from seeing a psych. No need to give it to him at the moment. Keep it somewhere safe. Leave it on your computer if you can keep it private. Keep adding to it, on paper or computer. I think one day you will be able to talk these experiences and when you are ready you can give him the letter.
Yes, I understand about keeping yourself together for family and friends, but not coping with your own 'stuff'. One of the reasons we do this I believe, is because their experiences are not yours and to some extent you can distance yourself. You look more objectively at what is happening to others and, because you know how you would like to be treated you can offer that care. Being listened to in a non-judgemental fashion is a wonderful gift to give your friends, and is often all they want or need. Someone telling them what to do or say usually makes people try to justify their or others actions, and get cross because they really want to make up their minds.
Being in control of your life is different because this is your responsibility. It does feel selfish to say we need time out to deal with problems and to manage our self care. On a practical level, it's no help to anyone if you collapse under their burdens. But of course it's more than that. Caring for yourself is mandatory, not dependent on having time available away from the needs of others. And it can be scary.
Think of it like scrubbing the floor. It's very dirty and you can only clean so much at a time. Gradually you will get the whole floor cleaned. Staying focussed on the bit you cleaning helps to stop becoming overwhelmed by the size of the job. And when it's all done you can stand back and look. Think how pleased you will be.
Love to hear from you.
Mary
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