What has helped you to overcome narcissistic abuse from parents and siblings?

[Narcsurvivor]

Hi, I am new to the forum and hope someone has a suggestion for me, because talk therapy has not helped. I have been to various therapists for years and need a specialist or a different approach, although I do not want to take drugs.

To make a life story short, i grew up with a flamboyantly narcissistic father - he told me I was nothing more than an extension of himself and i had to be perfect. He was supported by my mother, who told me after each abuse how much he loves me. I used to think she was a victim, like me, but now realise she was an enabler and chose to stay in the marriage for his prestige.

I was the golden child who got punished severely if I didn't get perfect grades, etc. À smallest error would be punished by hours of a lecture on how I have ruined my life and often followed by a belt. I was also forced to do things I did not want to do to benefit the family, from getting forcibly baptised as a teenager because grandma wanted it (I was and am an atheist) to being told that I have to marry a foreigner, any foreigner, to get a visa and get the family out of the Soviet bloc (I won a scholarship instead). I was sent away alone at 10 years old to a "sanatorium" because I had a sniffly nose, and than again at 11, no mater how much I cried and begged to stay. I have built internal walls, have trouble keeping friends, and my first marriage was to an abusive narcissist.

The worst part is that my scapegoat sister, with whom I've had a strong trauma bond, has also abused me. She has the need to control situations, which I can understand, but the side effect is that she lashes out with extreme vengeance if I disagree or even try to draw a boundary. It is usually in a form of vicious letters/emails, but she also ended a lease from under me in the past without giving me much time to find a place to live.

No wait, the very worst part is that our father died and the mother recently moved in with my sister, who is now losing her mind completely. She has lashed out at me, apologised, wanted this and that, changed her mind, etc. I have gone through what I can only describe as multiple stages of grief over losing our relationship and recently have not been able to call my mother for a couple of weeks at a time and constantly fantasizing about blocking both of their numbers. I also feel that will never again be able to trust my sister.

I am minimising the contact, but need some kind of intervention asap. Any ideas? Thank you

[Sophie_M]

Hi Narcsurvivor
 
Welcome to the forums and thank you for being a member of this open, kind and helpful community.
 
We know that it can be incredibly difficult to share our story, so we want to say thank you for showing such courage in posting and sharing that experience - you never know who will read this post and feel less alone on their own journey as also for you too.
 
We are here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our webchat.  Our team who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it. 
 
In terms of the relationship with your family, you might also find the following organization helpful and may also provide you with some alternative perspective:
 
1800 RESPECT
Click Here
 
Thank you again for joining us here and for starting this conversation. Please feel free to come back and update us on how you are feeling, if you are comfortable.
 
Kind regards,
 
Sophie M
 

[Fiatlux]

Hi,

I cut my abusive family off over 10 years ago when our father passed away. It was a good decision. I rarely give them a second thought now.

I thought or hoped that my mother would change once my father passed, but once a narcissist, always one.

We have some things in common. I was a baby when we migrated to Australia. I understand that my parents had it tough. Factory work wasn’t inspiring, it paid the bills.

My parents idea of encouragement was threatening that if we didn’t do well at school, that we had to drop out and go work in a factory with them. How inspirational…

I did well in school and even made it to University. But during my entire life, my parents never took an interest in my schooling. Never once read a school report or praised me for doing well. I was well into my 30’s, married with 3 children and running my own business when my Father actually asked me what I did for a living. He seriously had no idea. My mother cared even less.

My father later confessed that someone asked about me and my parents had no clue what to say. So my father asked me only about my financial situation as I had just moved to a newer, bigger house. My parents wanted to be able boast to their friends about how well I was doing financially.

Thats narcissism.

I am No. 3 of 4 children and as my siblings were not doing so well, my parents were embarrassed that they had failed as parents. They were awful abusive parents to say the least.

Apparently my mother is sorry that she was never a part of my life while my father was alive as I am no longer a part of her life since.

Mother is sorry, but only for herself. She still hasn’t taken any interest in her grandchildren either.

Honestly, we don’t miss what we never had.

I am not advising that you block them, but keep contact on your terms.

[Narcsurvivor]

Thank you for sharing your story. I know what you mean about the bragging, both of my parents honestly thought and told me how much they brag about their children, as proof that they love us. It's crazy. When I was young and asked why they had children, they said so that we take care of them when we are old. If I "took care" of them as they did of me, I would be prosecuted for elder abuse. My father spent money on buying fancy floor to ceiling library shelves to house his books, while I slept on a fold out chair- that's right, a chair. À sadist invented it and I spent years sleeping on basic ally a row of cushions, but Daddy's books were safe and sound.

I can't seem to stop thinking about the childhood and my sister. Today's memory was about me begging her not to bring her toddlers to my wedding, so that I could have this one day of just her and me. This turned into a war, and of course, I let her bring them, and of course, she was completely preoccupied with them. In contrast, when she got married, she wanted to do it on my birthday, and of course I said yes. Because why fight, she will get her way anyway.

Did cutting them off stop the anger and flashbacks? Should I try to drag them into therapy or just close the door?

[Fiatlux]

“Drag them into therapy” it’s your time that may be wasted.

My parents were in denial about the abuse and always had a justification for it.

Only my eldest sister has at times acknowledged the abuse, but she often denies it too.

For me, therapy was too little, too late.

[Narcsurvivor]

Thanks again.

[Mum Chris]

Hi Narcsurvivor

I have suffered all my life from various forms of abuse and have been the toy that narcissists have used to make themselves feel better. I have complex ptsd this is from trauma that is inflicted on me for extended periods of time starting at a very young age. So yes narcissistic family but I escaped and married a person that was diagnosed with psychopathy with narcissistic tendencies. Anywho I escaped that and one of my children was terribly unstable and I was again in that terrible situation.
You can’t change a narcissistic dynamic even if you change yourself you changing and getting better seems to make them more agitated and the attacks and tricks get more cunning.
I’ve detached and cut ties. Talk therapy helps you see patterns but trauma therapy is needed for me. I am seeing a psychologist that has worked with the courts and prisons and has experience with DBT therapy and EMDR therapy. I’m at baby stages we talk about 1 thing that made me sad and investigate that and we look at it on a white board and divide it into 4 parts and do same with 4 things that made me feel good. It’s confronting the feelings and it takes you back to how you felt physically and it’s super hard. He also is helping me rewrite the ending of my nightmares. We will start that next time. My treatment will have an end date because I will have tools to deal with any new trauma and the therapy takes my trauma from one part of my brain that reacts physically to another part of my brain so I can reason and understand.
Still I may have explained wrong but it’s the gist of it. I’ve had a life of grief and loss and I’m fast digging myself back out. I can say my piece now calmly without getting physically sick or screaming and attacking back. I can laugh at the games I see them playing trying to get the upper hand without responding now. I get the odd text messages trying to pull me back in but I just ignore them. I actually got a happy birthday message this year. I replied a week later thank you and nothing more.

There is hope and there is new treatment for trauma.

You are not alone there’s tonnes of us

MC

[therising]

Hi Narcsurvivor

I find you to be a truly incredible person, to have come this far and to have tolerated so much over such a long time. It takes a certain type of person to tolerate that much, so much of what's depressing - a tolerant person, a patient one, one who manages to consider others, one who works hard on challenges etc. While you could say 'I had no choice', this does not take away from the fact you managed with no choice. You managed all the hard stuff while others managed easily, to serve themselves in so many ways.

When dealing with narcissists, I think there comes a point where a part of us can begin to come to life. It's not a pretty part of us, that's for sure. Could even resemble a ranting maniac, 'I'M DONE! YOU PEOPLE ARE A PACK OF BLEEPING BLEEPS AND I'M ABSOLUTELY OVER YOUR BLEEPING BEHAVIOUR. YOU'RE ALL BLEEPING DEPRESSING!!! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE'. As I say, not pretty. There can be another part, which can counteract all that which may dictate 'You can't just cut people off like that. You should feel guilty. Maybe you should be working harder and some of this is your fault'. That would be 'the people pleaser' who's been conditioned to experience self doubt time and time again, especially in the presence of a narcissist. One of my all time favourite aspects of self, when in the presence of a purely self serving person is 'the questioner', which is part analyst. If you want to really aggravate a narcissist, analyse them and question them. They'll either try to shut you down or they'll get sick of all the questions and naturally disconnect from you. You become 'hard work'. 'Do you know what leads you to be so unfeeling? Do you know what leads you to be so thoughtless and self serving?' can be just a couple of the many questions that challenges a narcissist.

Perhaps the question to ask yourself could come down to 'What part or parts of me do I need or really want to begin channeling more of (getting in touch with)?'. Two at once can sometimes prove effective. For example, while I can find myself in touch with the absolute cow in me who loves to tell it how it is, the sage in me may dictate at the same time 'Tell it carefully because burning this bridge (with a massive flame thrower) at this point may not be the wisest thing to do'.

Sounds like the soulful self loving parts of you are fully coming to life, dictating 'I now love myself enough to not take poop from people who should know better than to behave the way they do'.