Want to take leave from uni to get better but am conflicted

[MT3286]

Am 19 and last few years I've not been mentally well (dealing with childhood trauma, major depressive disorder, anxiety, maybe c-PTSD + constant re-triggering because my parents marriage blew up for real - infidelity, probable incest, domestic violence, psychological and verbal abuse, court orders, police getting called on the regular]. By some miracle got into medical school in the mess of it all which has been my only reason for persisting through everything but am really questioning it all now. During this year, I spent majority of the time stressing, binge eating, having breakdowns and suicidal thoughts, mentally beating myself up and wanting to quit medicine (but honestly it might just have been COVID/lockdown?). At some point during one of the terms, I couldn’t even stand showing up to classes and half-listening (I had to excuse myself in the middle of a tutorial once, just could not cope). During that term, I was so close to just throwing in the towel but managed to hold on only because of the encouragement of some of my lecturers, family/friends. People say that it’s normal to have periods of being extremely unmotivated but I feel that the things that have been happening to me I just can’t put up with anymore.

I keep wondering that maybe if I just had a more balanced life it'd all be okay - despite of it all, still getting good grades, I have a few good friends in med school, so it hasn't objectively been all bad. Because of my program layout if I take leave now I have to take leave for two years. I'm scared that I'll come back to medicine and find that nothing has changed and it's just as bad as it was when I left it and I just wasted two years for nothing while all of my friends are 2 years in front of me. I'm scared that we'll go back into lockdown or smth and won't be able to do anything.

If I were to take leave I think I’d move out of home, get more independence, work on my health and get better, find a part-time job in perhaps something completely unrelated to medicine/education/studying for experience, travel, have a break from all the stress + pursue some of my hobbies.

[Sophie_M]

Hi there MT3268,

We're very sorry to hear that you're going through such a hard time, but we wanted to thank you for having the strength to reach out on our online forums. Hopefully the connection and encouragement you find here will help.

We also wanted to let you know that we have emailed you some information around accessing support, both short term and long term. We hope it helps!

[yggdrasil]

Hi MT3286,

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences on this forum. It's a brave thing to look for help, so well done.

I'm really sorry to hear about the trauma you experienced at such a young age. These things can have such a deep impact on our lives, and how we feel in the day to day.

I really relate to your story. I too had very challenging family circumstances at your age, with police regularly being called, and family members routinely in hospital.

I'm not surprised that you're grades are good and that you're succeeding at medical school, despite the really intense challenges you've described. When I was your age (and for many years after), university became a sort of "escape". I became extremely focused on it as a way to block out the family chaos. I think the routine nature of uni, and the fact that good effort usually leads to good outcomes in a predictable way, was a real contrast to my insane family situation, where nothing I did seemed to make anything better.

However, the flip side of this is that I have always struggled with pushing myself too hard at uni, to the point that the mental pressure just becomes too much and I break down.

For this reason I think taking time off uni to try and build more independence from your family might be a good strategy, as this is what I did at your age. The main problem I faced was money - because I hadn't finished my degree yet I found it hard to find ways to make enough money reliably.

Is money an issue for you? If so do you have any ideas for how you might make money if you moved out of home? Is tutoring a potential option? If you drive, things like Uber Eats are good in the short term.

Finally, are you speaking to any professionals regularly about your mental health challenges? Have you ever brought it up with your doctor? Your doctor will likely be able to help you set up a mental health care plan, which provides you with 10-20 free sessions a year with a psychologist or social worker of your choice. Another option is to speak to the counsellors at your university, as most unis offer free counselling to students now.

I hope you're able to find some support on these forums, and thanks again for sharing your experiences. All the best,

yggdrasil