unsure what to do

[Veldelmar]

I am numb - so numb when i want to cry I can't. I feel like I'm floating far in the ocean and no land in sight and it's really hard to put into words what my mind is seeing in pictures (especially out to the world). I will be 40 in july, expatriated from the U.S. and I love australia but it's not been good to me. I know that I have PTSD, wasn't diagnosed until I moved here in 2013 from my time in Iraq 5 years earlier. I'm pretty sure I actually have cPTSD. I've always been amazing at masking my issues or locking them away until covid19 - honestly, things have been crumbling apart a bit before christmastime this year, but really fell open when I was locked in my house. Mind you, covid19 doesn't 'scare' me, I am just doing my part to stay safe and those around me. It's being trapped inside that's the issue. Trapped inside with just my brain and it's thinking about all the things that have been traumatic in life, including things I'd had locked away or chose to forget.

I feel like a fake though, almost, i had great parents that adopted me when I was 5 weeks old. i had friends, good family, all the good stuff. Then i remember the torture that school was, the physical, emotional and sexual abuse by fellow students. Inheriting abandoment issues from being adopted due to those around me making me feel that. Being physically abused and raped by a partner...losing my father at 22... joining the army and seeing war...the constant fear women have being women...constant sexual misbehavior by men in public... being constantly guilted and manipulated by a mother that can't let go at all. There is so much more, things i haven't told people, things that I have.

during this covid time, my mother had a bad fall - she's 81- didn't break anything, but the guilt thrown at me made the last nerve I had break. now i'm lost. I cannot stop dwelling, wishing i had an emotion to release. CBT makes everything worse, I don't want to talk to my GP she'll try to send me back to the woman that wants to be my friend with CBT. Nurse at uni has me trying ACT but it's making it all worse. I take antidepressants for my fibromyalgia and beta blockers for my essential tremour and migraines. Maybe I need more medical intervention, I don't think I should feel this way on that medication. Maybe it's time to check in a hospital, but then I'll feel more fake because I sure don't have it that bad? I'm at a loss, my friends say do what will make me happy. that isn't helpful.

[Veldelmar]

Thanks Richard! crossing my fingers cause my essential tremor will have me rocking the whole appt haha.

Sleepy21 - I'm trying to keep my attitude in check, even if there isn't any emotion there just trying to keep it human. I have my eye on a place I might want to go for hospital, they do a 3-4 week inpatient with the eye movement retraining therapy stuff along with all the other goodies that isn't cbt. I'm kinda leaning towards severe end of help to get it sorted. been fluffing around too much. I think I'll need a diaper for my 40th, but it should be mood lifting at the least. I feel 40 going on 80 hahah. ah oh well, such as it goes, been hard on my body over the years.

[Guest_1643]

Hey again!
Lol they say you're only as old as you feel... what happens then, when you feel 100 ? I sure do, some days.
I have not heard of that eye movement retraining - that sounds interesting. Is it a newer treatment or been around a bit?
That sounds great that you've looked into the hospital and have found something interesting.
I wasn't actually in a hospital but a recovery centre, it was a bit different and maybe fluffier, but, very good! Well, that's an understatment, it really saved my life.

Well done for calling the doc and also hope you're feeling like some of the options you're looking into are promising.
It's good that there are non CBT options out there, I think other types of therapies are becoming more common these days, maybe 10 years ago people were very CBT focussed, but now there's a lot more to choose from

Good luck!!!!

[ecomama]

Hi Michele, wow

Congratulations on getting all the way to your first appointment, great achievements. High five!

I also want to say that I'm very sorry for all that you've been through. Having an American bf, I also want to stand up & say "Thankyou for your service" lol.... isn't it so respectful how people do that in airports in the U.S.? I liked that when I've been there.

SO much of what you went through AND how you've felt I can totally relate to. I'm embarking on additional support for PTSD / C-PTSD. Had my first appt last week. It was via phone so not quite good for the therapist.

Gosh I can relate to the "what was working for me before just isn't working anymore" kind of thing.... yep.
And "I am really good at masking things, so no one could SEE..." yep.

Inside I would be trembling & at times when I held a child's hand, they would say "Why are you shaking?"... pretty scary.

When the triggers came …. woah.

And it was noted by more than one psych (I'm seeing a Specialist now) that I was dissociating.

I have read up on a few dissociation things and it appears I may have Dissociative Amnesia.

ANOTHER thing I noted in your posts about the therapy was your "Hurry up, get this over & done with.." feeling. Yep. But upon reading more about healing / therapy for PTSD it is more of a long term thing.

Trigger warning: The Blue Knot Foundation pages are PACKED full of the most awesome research, information & stories. But reading this can be VERY confronting. I cried. I had increased anxiety.
I also realized that I'd been in very deep denial over having PTSD. I had been "diagnosed" with C-PTSD years ago but was seeing a Counsellor before & after this diagnosis.

I had never seen this diagnosis in a report or in print for me at all. SO I must've decided back then that I could beat it & not really turn out that I had it, if I worked on my Counselling homework solidly. Didn't work.

I closed down my life AS MUCH as possible in efforts to keep trying to cope. Didn't work.

Gosh in the end nothing was working & my symptoms were significantly increasing at an alarming rate.

I'm so glad I found these forums. I don't feel so alone anymore.

I hope you can let us know how you're going with things.

HAPPY 40TH you Spring chicken! What a fffffun Idea for your birthday.

Oh & for all of you who say "I feel (so much older)…" well being older is AMAZING lol. I LOVE IT. I can't wait to dye my hair cornflower blue lol 🙂

Love EM

[Veldelmar]

it's quite new it's called EMDR. I don't really understand what it does or how it does it, it's fairly non-traditional. You have to go through reliving trauma with guidance but it's apparently quite effective. It's supposed to reset triggers etc.

[ecomama]

Veldelmar said:it's quite new it's called EMDR. I don't really understand what it does or how it does it, it's fairly non-traditional. You have to go through reliving trauma with guidance but it's apparently quite effective. It's supposed to reset triggers etc.

Hi Michele

Mara, in her thread, and possibly others here have had EMDR and Mara has had success with this therapy.
I was VERY keen on it by my new Trauma Psych doesn't have faith in it.

I have faith in almost anything that has worked for others. So I'm going to try it along my journey at some point.

Please let us know how you go with EMDR. I really hope it helps.

EM

[Veldelmar]

Thanks for all your kind words EM, I appreciate them all. I think it'll be a bit of a process with this GP but I like her already. She read my mini essay and then we talked about it, I see her again on friday to discuss more and for her to have a think about my many dot-point form haha. I don't know what her advise will be long term but I feel confident I picked the right place to go and it's a quick bike ride away on not so rainy days. Between now and then she has me focusing on one thing only, a wake up time and getting up and functional since that's what makes me feel better and human. no naps, no sleeping in. will be hard. I'm sure we'll be discussing more stuff much more in depth in the future. She is the first person in my life that looked at me and said 'do you think you might just be trying way too hard' - with everything - maybe I am, i can't seem to find work, so I've just been studying to 'better' myself or make myself more employable. Might be a very hard thing for me to let go of, cause i'm not sure how not to try 'so hard'.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Michele,

It sounds like she's very dedicated and committed to helping you.
I can relate to trying way too hard, and sometimes in too many areas. It's hard to cut ourselves a break, isn't it?

Thanks for explaining EMDR

I'm trying to learn about different types of therapy, so thanks for helping me along!!

Little treats for yourself, whatever that means to you, can be helpful I find, when I also push myself too hard.

[ecomama]

Hi Michele

I admire you. I'm so glad you've found a person who seems to match you, to help you through this.

I didn't realise you were also "unemployed" at the moment. With your employment background in extremely disciplined areas, the change could have been a huge shock in itself, besides the obvious other concerns that come along with it.

Also the high amount of energy you're used to expending, now no "structure to your day".... I see you're riding your bike... that's a great use of your energy.

I've found at times with PTSD / anxiety, that I've had a lot of "nervous energy" so I do heavy garden, what I call 'angry cleaning' not named by me but from another site lol, walking the dog and previously bike riding (with a purpose) and swimming laps. NOT all on the same day lol.

As others with PTSD have found, even with a lot of physical energy output, we can sometimes also find it difficult to sleep. Esp if we've been triggered.

I find that having 'regular' hours of sleep, it helps a lot. I do allow myself naps though, I am a grandmother after all lol. Nanna naps we call them. 🙂

Your dot point list made me chuckle. My list for my psych tomorrow, which are strategies I've used to help me cope in the past, is 2 pages long! Just dot points with a signal word to help me remember the whole strategy.

You're aware, which will stand you in good stead. In unison with this, You are open to receiving help which is a successful combination.

Just a note on the 'trying too hard'.... we can be trying to push through the PTSD, trying to achieve our personal best and / or just hoping 'to arrive' at that imaginary place in our minds where EVERYTHING is okay.

You're more than okay Michele. You're brilliant!

Love EM

[Veldelmar]

Well, I'm on my way 3 weeks of working with my new GP and I have a new psych that doesn't use just CBT and will tell it like it is (start with her in mid july), have referals in to the psychiatrists so I can get matched in one of the clinics, and feel a bit of the weight of the world lifting. The process is moving. Mental health care plan in place and a very supportive awesome GP - seriously love this lady. And as she always says at the end, i will stop trying so damn hard and just go with it for now. whew

[ecomama]

That's GREAT! You've got so much in place and it's wonderful that you love your GP. LOVE that.

My 'list of strategies' for my trauma psych ended up being 4 pages long and I was anxious that I may be giving others things that were not healthy. But she approved them ALL on Thursday so I'll give you a some I think will match plus something else a BB member gave me that matches you perfectly - I think.

When we feel triggered and our anxiety is rising, heart rate too - it's GOOD to match that heightened state with physical things like bike riding or high energy activities that help ground us.

Journal. Just a little if you're not in the habit. You can start with a scale of how happy or anxious you're feeling. Whether it was a triggering day or quite a calm day. This practice will stand you in good stead for therapy coming up AND show your progress!

Lastly but foremostly a researcher named Kristen Neff has been doing amazing research on healing PTSD.
You can watch her talks online. I watched one last night in the bath! And she spoke of research re: returned soldiers. They found those that practiced self-compassion to be least likely to develop PTSD. Those who didn't practice this, did develop PTSD.
She also talks about "sitting with your feelings".
My psych approved me buying and working through Kristen Neff's Self-Compassion Workbook, so I purchased it that day.
Even without buying anything Kristen Neff has been very generous with her research and shared so much online. She's amazing.

EM