Undiagnosed PTSD, Diagnosed BP2

[FrankA]

I am about to condense my adult lifetime of illness into a few key areas. This year I voluntarily admitted myself into a private hospital that has a specialist psychiatric care. This came after the onset of a major depressive episode and aggravated anxiety triggered by 12 months of workplace bullying and harassment. My psychiatrist diagnosed Bipolar 2. Unfortunately, I suffered acute liver failure caused by medication given to me while in hospital. I was fortunate to receive a liver transplant, however due to a virus, I now have an ileostomy, I had to relearn to use my arms, relearn to walk, I have an open wound and it doesn't end there.

How does PTSD fit into my story? From 16 to 24 yo I was in a domestic violent relationship. I am now 38 and I still dream about many of the traumatic episodes. My scars cause me to drift into a almost visual daydream of how I got them. I cannot handle arguments and yelling and I come out fighting from fear. I avoid places, a whole town nearby, in case I see the perpetrator. I develop scenarios in my mind of this person ruining my life, murdering my family in revenge. These prevent sleep and again impact my dreams. I was threatened with death to never talk about these issue. I can't shake it. These years and the trauma has infected my life.

Fast forward to this year. The emergency liver transplant, my 3 month stay in ICU and a further 2 months in the ward has wiped me out. BUT I have to remain strong for my DDs and DH. My anxiety is at max levels. I have periods of depression. I am supposed to have more surgery next year and I am frightened. All the while I dream about the DV and wake up with dream a 'hangover', when the emotions are so real the impact the next day.

I can't make heads or tail of life ATM. I am a survivor but I am only just holding on. I feel like I have to show that I am strong when I am crumbling inside. No wants a person who complains about there problems. Everyone has there own problems. I rarely talk about my feelings, except to a select few and I don't want wear them out.

I have a new psychiatrist now. He comes with the liver transplant and my recovery is going well. He agrees with me on the anxiety and depression, not so much the BP2. We have not even discussed the DV yet. It is all incredibly complex and all I can do is withdraw.

[pipsy]

Hi Frank. Thank you for sharing and trusting me. The reason you kept returning is probably because, like most 'battered wives' you believed it would stop if you changed. Battered wives, either emotional or physically battered are brainwashed into believing they are causing themselves to be abused. The spouses are so intimidating, they use any form of control to abuse and belittle the victim. Had you reported the abuse, shown the police the physical proof, it's possible he may have been arrested. You're right, what you suffered is far from funny, it's disgusting. You mentioned listening to music from certain years is distressing. Can you focus on previous to your distress. Your childhood, for instance. Were your formative years happy, if they were, concentrate on them if you do accidentally hear music that makes you uneasy. I have found any sort of mention of sexual abuse makes me extremely queasy and I need to distance myself. I was sexually abused for years, so any mention of sexual abuse has me running. I had an emotionally abusive hubby and in-law situation. My in-laws would frequently abuse and belittle me with my ex hubby's 'permission'. I left him last year, but the memories stayed for quite a while. I actually found myself telling the memories to leave me. Sounds funny,- not at all, it worked. If it works, do it. I do have a bf who is supportive, although he has his demons too. When he is not in a good place emotionally, I 'lose' me in other areas so when we do 'connect' we both are on the same page.

Lynda

[FrankA]

Hi Pipsy,

You have been through a lot also. I can very much identify with you in regards to a physical reaction to triggers. I get very angry 😡 if somebody threatens my safety. I had an incident at the start of the year where a stranger stood over me and was very aggressive. I verbally defended myself. I was peeved that he has threatened me and made me question my safety. I was not aware that I would be as strong 💪 as I am, defence not retreat.

It must be very hard for you atm. 1 year out of a relationship is challenging. I say this too acknowledge the hard work you have done and you should be commended. I also know that we do not choose a partner on the outset that we know will abuse us. There was love and possibly could still be. I feel it is important to regularly remind ourselves why we left. This is not easy. It is wonderful that you have a supportive bf whom you sound like together have set boundaries.

I am going to sign off now. I am very tired 😴. Have a wonderful day tomorrow and I hope the silly season doesn't wear you out! FrankA x