Undiagnosed PTSD, Diagnosed BP2

[FrankA]

I am about to condense my adult lifetime of illness into a few key areas. This year I voluntarily admitted myself into a private hospital that has a specialist psychiatric care. This came after the onset of a major depressive episode and aggravated anxiety triggered by 12 months of workplace bullying and harassment. My psychiatrist diagnosed Bipolar 2. Unfortunately, I suffered acute liver failure caused by medication given to me while in hospital. I was fortunate to receive a liver transplant, however due to a virus, I now have an ileostomy, I had to relearn to use my arms, relearn to walk, I have an open wound and it doesn't end there.

How does PTSD fit into my story? From 16 to 24 yo I was in a domestic violent relationship. I am now 38 and I still dream about many of the traumatic episodes. My scars cause me to drift into a almost visual daydream of how I got them. I cannot handle arguments and yelling and I come out fighting from fear. I avoid places, a whole town nearby, in case I see the perpetrator. I develop scenarios in my mind of this person ruining my life, murdering my family in revenge. These prevent sleep and again impact my dreams. I was threatened with death to never talk about these issue. I can't shake it. These years and the trauma has infected my life.

Fast forward to this year. The emergency liver transplant, my 3 month stay in ICU and a further 2 months in the ward has wiped me out. BUT I have to remain strong for my DDs and DH. My anxiety is at max levels. I have periods of depression. I am supposed to have more surgery next year and I am frightened. All the while I dream about the DV and wake up with dream a 'hangover', when the emotions are so real the impact the next day.

I can't make heads or tail of life ATM. I am a survivor but I am only just holding on. I feel like I have to show that I am strong when I am crumbling inside. No wants a person who complains about there problems. Everyone has there own problems. I rarely talk about my feelings, except to a select few and I don't want wear them out.

I have a new psychiatrist now. He comes with the liver transplant and my recovery is going well. He agrees with me on the anxiety and depression, not so much the BP2. We have not even discussed the DV yet. It is all incredibly complex and all I can do is withdraw.

[Nikkir]

Hi FrankA,

Thank you for having the courage to reach out. You have been through so much it is heartbreaking to read and imagine that you have suffered through all of this especially from such a young age. It must have been hard to go in for one thing and end up with a liver transplant and have to learn to use your limbs again, devastating. I am pleased that you do have people to oversee your treatment and review your progress. As for the BP2 or other diagnosis I am not qualified but you could reach out to our DR Kim and of course your own GP. I just feel like saying you need to rest and some good experiences. I know it sounds trivial but I have 'smiling minds' app on my phone meditation and mindfulness and it really does make me feel happy and centred. There are all sorts of therapies like DBT CBT, Mindfulness and trauma therapy and of course medication. But when I think of you I think you should just take it as easy as you can and breathe, do things you love and be kind to yourself. Heal your body, mind and soul. Allow yourself to just be and try not to think too much where possible. You can call us on 1300 22 4636 or chat online or of course lifeline 131114 and let us know how you are going or our BB line is also good for resources. Remember, there are so many labels out there for just about everything, we are just human beings that have been hurt and broken along the way, we need healing and compassion and love 🙂 Best Wishes Nikkir x

[FrankA]

Hi Nikkir,

Thank you for you compassion & sharing your wisdom. Plus nothing in life ATM is trivial. As the custodian of my donors liver, I owe it to both of us to lead a healthy, fulfilling life and for my family, who have supported me everyday, I owe them wellness. It is just a lot of pressure.

Life has changed extraordinarily quickly. I was a high functioning professional who is now incapable of returning to work in the foreseeable future. I find it very challenging to enjoy rest, mind and body. I feel so guilty that I am not pulling my weight. I don't like to be away from the house, because of the stoma and I don't trust my new organ yet.

I think the hardest part is that the multiple challenges I am facing, make it hard to connect with persons with a similar experience. I know a person with a liver transplant but they don't have a stoma or wounds, and I would never discuss the DV or psychological issues with that person.

I have read many threads today and acknowledge the pain that is shared amongst the contributors. There is a lot courage demonstrated in all of the posts. I am glad I shared. I am glad you responded. Thank you.

[Nikkir]

Hi FrankA,

Thank you for your reply. That is alot of responsibility and a huge life change, maybe you will find a support group or like minded people but at the moment, it sounds like you have enough going on. Yes that is nice that you could see that others on here are struggling too, maybe on different levels but its always good to see what we have and acknowledge others have sh... too. I am guilty sometimes of complaining about what I don't have, I can tell you it never works for me. It sounds like you are determined and although it will be a huge adjustment, I hope you get all the support that you need and we are always here. Sorry about saying "Smiling Minds' was trivial but sometimes if people really aren't feeling good an app with breathing meditations can make them angry from experience. Wishing you all the best, please let us know how you going if you can 🙂 Best Wishes Nikkir x

[FrankA]

Hi Nikkir, it is so nice to be communicating with you. Honestly, I thought that I would be communicating with more forum users but I try not let the distance between my expectations and reality be too great. The feelings of self loathing surface and myautomatic response is that I have over shared, upset people, people see that I am undiagnosed and think I am a joke, should I have put up a trigger warning etc. I then try to ground myself cause it is a little crazy to think that people would think that much about me. I have learned very recently that people are busy dealing with their own lives and other times people just don't know what to say. That is my experience outside of cyberspace.

I love mindfulness. I had heard of the app before but I did not have tha mental capacity to access it. Thank you for suggesting it. I downloaded it straight away.

I have learned what I consider to be two variations of mindfulness. The first is medative mindfulness. This is the one most people think of. This is the one which requires time and preparation, focus on breath etc. The other is what I consider to be 'living in the moment'. I achieve this by talking myself through making a cup of tea or thinking through the process of brushing my teeth or thinking about something yummy as I eat it. I am sure these are not the only variations of mindfulness and I am open to trying anything else that you have found useful.

I have had a good day today. We had a blackout tonight. It is really special to sit around candle, listening to music, chatting to the kids and just appreciating our little unit. Even though it has been a great challenge, regularly, short moments like tonight give me pleasure. I need to remember to seek more of these moment during recovery.

For now I am trying to get involved in the forums. I really want to learn and share while I am able as I know it helps me. Just got to work through the anxiety that builds before and the thoughts that follow my posts.

Thank you again Nikkir. Franka x

[Nikkir]

Hi FrankA,

Thank you so much for you reply, I found it really inspiring and I learn from everybody I talk to 🙂 I love that you found the mindfulness app and practice useful and you are right there are different forms of being mindful. Either way they are about being present with the moment and not in our heads in the past or future. I am just starting to study DBT and I am finding that incredibly fascinating and alot of it is 'Radical Acceptance of the present moment."

I am so pleased you had a good afternoon with the kids and could enjoy the moments in each day because I think that is what it is about, focussing on the small and remembering the good. I probably mentioned rickhanson.net I think that is his website anyway. Amazing in taking in the good for 30 seconds to change our neural pathways, I can certainly use that. I do hope that you can chat to more people on the forum but love that you accepted the reality as it is. There are different sections in the BB chat forums as you probably realised. You are right about people not knowing what to say and also mostly focussed on themselves. I saw a bumper sticker it said "what other people think of you is none of your business." I found that interesting. I learned in statistics that most of the time people are not even looking or thinking about us, but I know what you mean. You seem intelligent and aware of yourself and those around you, I really hope you find the peace that you deserve and long for. Mindfulness originally came from the Buddhist tradition so if you really wanted to explore it in great detail that is where it all started. Allan Wallace is a Buddhist man who teaches all sorts of interesting things you maybe interested in, he used to be a monk and then a psychologist and then he merged the two:) Please keep in touch if it feels right and lets us know if there is anything we can do:) Best Wishes Nikkir x

[FrankA]

Dear Nikkir,

It is lovely to read your posts.

My mum once told me "what other people think of you is none of your business." I had to chuckle that you wrote this.

My favourite statement atm is "We only live twice. The second life starts when we realise we only have one". Apparently this was claimed by Tom Hiddleson. I can appreciate this as I feel very connected with the words. I also like that some people do not get it! Makes it a little special.

I hope you get some downtime over the silly season. Your support has been golden. Thank you. Franka 💕

[pipsy]

Hi FrankA Having to live with PTSD a constant companion would be ultra-scary. 8 years of violence with no escape, would be similar to the horror returned war vets speak of from experiences during conflict. Can I ask where the perpetrator is, or if you have any knowledge of their whereabouts? Walking down the street has you quivering? I have a similar problem with PTSD, mine is caused from years of sexual abuse. I found one way of combating (for lack of another word) the fear of being seen, I always insure I walk in crowded places. People who attack, will seldom repeat in areas where there are crowds. These people have to be in control, therefore if they can't readily access their victims, there's almost no fear of repeat attacks. It has been 14 years since you managed to get away from this person. As far as the scars are concerned, are we talking emotional scars, or physical scars. If it is emotional (no less painful), when you visualize these scars, they are scars that can't physically hurt you. Even physical scars cannot hurt. My scars are almost invisible (they are emotional) but overcoming them meant I had to look at how I got hurt, how I escaped and how my abuser now has nobody in his life. You did not cause them, to walk away from them, try to visualize something happy that happened prior to meeting this person who hurt you. If you have happy memories from school, home, previous happy relationships, concentrate on them. Do you have anything to interest you now, hobbies, pastimes that make you feel good. Concentrate on these, concentrate too on your breathing. When you are in public, and feel the stress (PTSD) re-visiting, focus on something that makes you feel happy. A child interacting with his parents, a dog walking, buskers etc. Breath slowly through your nose, out your mouth, slowly, evenly. Focus on the dog from a distance. Don't approach, just focus. Can you paint, are you able to 'lose' yourself in music? If you have trouble sleeping in a dark room, get a small nightlight. Try to keep in mind that light can mean sunshine not darkness. You have several physical issues which means the pain would be pretty intense. Your body will heal, your mind will too, but it will take time. Tell someone in authority the police, your therapist, telling strengthens.

Lynda

[Nikkir]

Hi FrankA,

Thank you for your wise words and well wishes I really appreciate it:) I am pretty relaxed at the moment, in fact I could afford to ramp up the pace a little !!! I agree with what you said about two lives and after I hit 40 I think that has certainly hit home that I won't be here forever and whatever has been before is gone and this moment and future plans and dreams and priorities is what I have. It is a very sobering realisation, I love the days that I think of this deeply and actually act on it. It has been lovely to talk to you, take care and best wishes for christmas and new year and remember you are not alone and you can check in with us anytime. Nikkir x

[FrankA]

Hi Pipsy,

Thank you for all of your kind words and suggestions. The first thing I would like to share is regarding my lack of knowledge. I had no idea that I was enduring mental illness, I just thought it was normal, this was until I had moments in which I could not function.

The perpetrator was my ex. He still lives in the house we bought together. When I left he threatened the lives of everyone I loved, constantly. At first it was an attempt to get me to return, then after that it was so I would not take my half of our assists. It worked! He lives in a town close to where I live. I avoid going to that town due to what I now know to be physical symptoms of anxiety.

I never reported any of the abuse for fear. I had tried to leave for years but always returned. The psychological warfare really brainwashed me into believing that I was loved and living the best life possible. The abuse was just me annoyingly him or me not being able to do thing properly, often it was fuelled by alcohol. This made believe that the evil wasn't really him. Probably wasn't but he chose not to change the lifestyle that fuelled the violence.

My scars are physical. One is visible , on my arm caused by being attacked with scissors. I put my elobow up to protect my face. This is the one that causes my flashbacks as I often get a glimpse of it the mirror, while doing hair and makeup, or while in the car. Mostly I flashback in locations.

I am now in a loving relationship. My husband and I have been together for 13 years. I met him when I travelled to escape. He is more than I deserve. We have an honest, caring, amazing relationship, free of psychological, physical and verbal abuse.

It is not ideal to live with the symptoms of PTSD, but as I said, I did not know that I was. My flashbacks were just memories, my inability to go to places was just my insecurities, my nightmares were just my overactive imagination and my jumpiness was just, well me. I never thought that these could be 'fixed'. It's funny (not the laugh out loud type of funny) I never recognised anxiety as a diagnosis either. The sweats, my tight chest and heart palpitations, the racing mind, the nausea etc, I just knew they existed and were more severe after the abuse.

Due to my current physical condition, I am not enjoying walks or any exercise. That will change. I lose myself in music but I am careful not to listen to music from a certain period. Hypervigilance is a constant issue.

TY for helping me to share.