trying to heal myself or at least understand what's happening

[amwa]

I'm new to beyond blue as I'm trying to heal myself or at least understand what's happening. I have been on anti depressants for about 5 weeks which I don't know if the are working and have seen a doctor who is setting up some therapy for me. My childhood was pretty good up until age 9 when my parents divorced due my mum cheating on my dad. I was molested 3 times, once when I was 4 by my grandfather, once when I was 9 by an adult female and once by my mothers boyfriend when I was 11. My mother then dated an alcoholic for 3 years which you can only imagine that. Then when I was 14 we had a house fire and lost everything, our car didn't work so a paddy wagon picked us up n took me to a welfare house. All my siblings went to other people. I stayed with my mother with not enough money to even wash our smoked out clothes..My mother lost everything and started saying aliens were coming to get her and could hear demons and would crawl into bed with me at night. She would also get me to do sayonces with her when I was about 13. I later realised she had paranoid scitzophrenia which remains untreated. I am now 36. My father after the divorce emotionally and financially abandoned me as was very hard as he was very present when my parents were married. through my young adult life used alcohol a lot and became very angry. But through it all I was still ok, bought my own house, held a good job and was quite strong .3 years ago I thought I met the love of my life.. He moved in..asked my father for my hand in marriage and dec 2014 took me home to New Zealand to meet his family. When we got there he changed, we were there for 4 weeks and all he wanted to do was drink n hang with mates which I understood as he hadn't seen them in 4 years but it was to much. I did a pregnancy test and found out I was over 5 weeks pregnant..upon going home I tried to talk about it and was faced with a cold wall..no emotion, no care.. He told me he didn't want me sitting around n getting all fat n stuff and basically left. I was forced to terminate my child of 7 weeks and left my job, my house, my life which I loved. During all this my family had to take me home...pull me out of bed.all hope was gone, severe anxiety attacks...not crying but wailing, my heart was beyond shattered, he came back n begged for forgivenes, told me he would make it right only to betray me again. He told me I was insecure, needy, depressing, a totally different man to who he was before going to New Zealand.

[TheSteve]

Hi Amwa,

You are one tough cookie. You have been through a lot in life, and it took you all the way until 36 years of age to finally have all of the pain, stress, and trauma overflow. You are quite phenomenal, but alas, nobody is impervious to such events.

What has happened to you recently is quite a natural response to stress accumulation, and will result in a necessary purging and reconciliation of past pains for you in order to move onto the next stage of your life. It is a necessary period of severe "turbulence" in order to further develop and manage life onward.

There are different things to deal with here, and each needs a different tactic/response. My take on what you have said:

- First, ditch the guy. Two strikes, and he is out. You don't need this garbage and it will only bring you down. Nor do you need him, you are clearly stronger in all facets given what you have faced. He just has you in a position of emotional fragility right now, nothing more. He seems quite immature, and needy. Let him go.

- Use the fact that you are at home with family, to recover. Rebuild your strength, stabilize your emotional situation. There is no rush, unless you are in an abusive home. If you are safe and sound, then use this to your advantage.

- Go and see a counselor and a doctor, separately. You need to work on both the physical and the emotional to fully overcome this. They are delicately entwined, as you will see. Fix one, and the other will follow.

- Ensure you like your counselor, and see them twice a  week at first. Make this a priority. You need to purge all of the terrible things from your past. THe people you should have been able to trust, who let you down; the divorce of your parents; your mother's issues; the feelings of abandonment. All need to be dealt with, and this is a process. It is not fixed overnight, but it can be fixed.

- Set some life goals. These can incorporate exercise, diet (eat healthy, cut out bad carbs, allergens, sugars, stimulants etc), spiritual advancement (meditation, mindfulness, breathing techniques, personal time etc.).

- Slowly but surely, and only when you are comfortable doing so, edge back into the job market. Your first job back should be something very low stress, minimal responsibility, preferably with somebody you know and trust. This is a stepped process, just ease back into it. There is no rush.

Build a support network. Please come back and see us at YBB, keep us in the loop.

We are here for you.

Steve