trouble after divulging to my parents **trigger warning - sexual abuse**

[b_abbey]

Hi there. Thanks for looking. I have a problem with my family since I divulged I was sexually abused by my brother when I was 10-12ys old. He is 5 years my senior. Another girl, who lived near us growing up - came forward & said she was abused by him, & when my parents told me she came forward - I took the opportunity to say "me too". At first I thought the response was quite good. My mother said "I'm sorry that happened to you" and my father was absolutely mortified. As time has moved on (3 years since I told them) I have tried to broach the subject & these comments were the responses (yes - I practically remember word for word):

(1) This is very embarrassing for the family, please don't tell anyone

(2) let's bury this in the back yard shall we?

(2) we think you might have "false memories"

(3) you are torturing us. You didn't tell us - so whose fault is that?! We would have done something if you had of told us! (angry tone)

(4) & finally, just a couple of months ago "just get over it!!" in a very hostile tone - both of them said it twice & then they hung up on me, so we haven't spoken since

So I bought it up with them those 4 times in the last 3 years. Obviously they are finding it difficult to handle. I was hoping they would help me heal - yet it's not going as planned!

Was I expecting too much? I feel like I want to cut ties because perhaps they care more about their reputation, than their child's wellbeing, and then I consider well - I have damaged their wellbeing. And then I consider - only one person is at fault here, which is NOT me! I do wish I had never told them now. I do feel -not speaking up- is not exactly the best course of action either - and I'm worried he has done this to more survivors.

I feel they are blaming me, or they just don't want to know. It doesn't help that the abuser is now a dr & he was the golden child, and he lives close to them & is in their ear suggesting this "false memory syndrome"

They don't believe he abused the other girl in my street - so that's 2 of us they say they don't believe? On another occasion he was caught peering through a window at myself and another kid when we were in the bath when we were in 5th class. But I have no idea if he got into trouble for that or not - I think my mother just didn't tell my father 😞

Any advice? thanks for listening

[b_abbey]

Thank you so much! Your words touch a chord. It's disgusting I know - my parents reaction. Yes it's been reported but there's an additional step in NSW called SARO - I have filled it out but haven't sent it. I am just so scared that he would get off because he is clever and sly. The girl I know, she has reported but she ended up having a relationship with him later - it's complicated! She realises now that the earlier stuff was abusive and in the end she wanted him to like her. Not only is my bro a Dr but he's a forensic consultant as well, that's half his job, being in court. He has total control over my parents. I am sure, when he did this to me and my friend, he had Conduct Disorder - which often leads to Antisocial Personality Disorder - and I'm sure he has this. I will talk to my counsellor soon. Even the thought of being in court gives me the willies - that he would win 😞

[Tom R]

Hi b.abbey,

Thank you so much for your bravery and honesty in your sharing. I'm sorry that you were subjected to that abuse and for the effects that it has wrought into your your life. I hear you, and I believe you.

Your thread is not the place for me to share my whole story, but I can relate to much of what you have shared. My parents have known about my abuse since the time it was happening, and knew of neighbours who were part of a paedophile ring. What saddens me so much is that they opted to do nothing to support or defend me, opting to stand idly by. These days I have zero contact with my parents, siblings and extended family. Sadly it became too much for me to remain in contact and engagement when there was no acknowledgement of the past and harm caused by action and inaction, and efforts to help them to be better parents took such a toll. Saddened as I am, I am lighter and freer for it.

I am reminded that our families are much like us, in that they don't know what to do or how to respond when we disclose the abuse to which we were subjected. This is not an excuse of course, and I'm sorry that your family are failing to see you and the impacts of what you have lived through. There is a meme that has done the rounds in social media that says something along the lines of "Most people who are in therapy are there as a direct result of those who will not go to therapy, who do not believe they need to, but desperately ought to."

Please keep doing what you are doing that helps you to be you, and to honour the yourself and what you have been through. You are well and truly more than worth it 🙂 Once again, I hear you and I believe you.

Go well and gently with yourself. T.

[ecomama]

Dear b.abbey (and dear RubyBleu and dear Tom R)

I understand the most important thing for you is validation. Having people believe you.
We all believe you. Always hold on to the knowledge that you are BELIEVED.

It's understandable you have anxiety over being in Court, facing people there, the repercussions in your family and "winning".

I absolutely want you to win too.

I have next to no faith in our legal system. It's not a "Justice System" at all IME.
When you look at stats from a while back where less than 5% of perps were actually convicted of reported rapes... and you and I know hardly any rapes ARE reported... not only do we live in a very scary society but victims seldom report. No doubt they don't want to go through all the hell to have no "just" result.

My experiences with reports of child SA are worse. I work with families and many in distress, I've seen this over 40y and I am bitterly disappointed for our precious innocent children.

You are all those children too. As mine are.

I see Police Officers who work SO HARD to put a solid case together only to have nothing happen in Court. No wonder Police who work in this area suffer burn out. My heart feels for them feeling so helpless and depressed over this too.

It disgusts me.

I prefer tribal Law.

SO as I did win in other cases, when everyone was saying I couldn't possibly win... but I did.
I went in FULL throttle, SO prepared and had Women's Legal Service support and advise me EVERY step of the way. They gave me step by step advice and that's what I ordered my Legal team to do.

They didn't WANT to do what WLS told me. I made them.

I heard what was told to me, that I couldn't possibly win, I heard it, put it aside and went full on, pushing every ounce of everything I could.

If I had KNOWN to do that with all the other Court cases then I KNOW I would have had different outcomes. I will never rely on Courts, one Lawyer and Police to get the job done right.

But to take this on, YOU need as much support as you can get.

I suggest you make a list of your supports. You have here - awesome. 1800RESPECT 24/7 and you can give them your name and they take notes and keep up to give you GREAT support. SA Hotline. The Blue Knot Foundation. The Red Heart Foundation on FB.
WLS.
Google is your friend.

Before Court there are other things you can do.

Muster it all. See what fits with you. Take what fits, keep others for back up.

My Prayers are with you all
Love EM

[b_abbey]

Thank you so much Tom R. I think you have hit many nails on the head or me. I am so sorry to hear that this was happening to you in your neighbourhood and your parents sat idly by. Sometimes we wonder what kind of sense they may have, our parents - which in your case, and mine, is not 'common' sense unfortunately! It's almost like not being able to see the wood for the trees, and then not caring about the shoots and leaves and the under-growth . I very much value your sharing and insight into this. Yes, it's bewildering for everyone!! How do you cope with Christmas and other times of family get-togethers? Is it painful, as it will be new to me... Thank you for offering caring sentiments 🙂 You too - are not alone ! ❤️

[b_abbey]

Hello Ecomama, I love your name btw 🙂 You bring so much knowledge to the legal side, and I so much appreciate that. I am sorry you went through what you did... you never deserved that and yes your perp needed to be held accountable. It sounds like you were successful in your case - most excellent! - & thanks for sharing those fabulous resources. You have made me feel stronger with regards to this - thanks for that 🙂 Becky ❤️

[Tom R]

Hello again b.abbey,

I so appreciated your reply 🙂

Distancing and severing ties with my family has not been easy, but it does honour myself. At first, I sought to make change and to help them consider how they parent and to express what I needed from them. This was as an adult, of course, and I therefore had a good grasp of language, rationale, etc. with which to communicate. I have spent an awfully long time trying to help them understand and grow their awareness of the effects and impacts of action and inaction using many examples, but in the end I feel it simply didn't matter enough to them. I recognise and understand that change is hard, and it has its challenges, especially as we age.

Part of it too has been recognising and coming to terms with the fact that they cannot meet me where I am at, nor can they meet all of my needs. I'll also be the first person to put my hand up and admit that at times my expectations were not realistic or were far too high, and it was necessary for me to do that work. Things reached the point where I could no longer cope being around them, feeling invisible, or in the way, or that I was so tired and drained by having to 'park' so many parts of myself at the door. And it's so hard not being part of their lives. Recently my father turned 80, and whilst we're in strict lockdown due to COVID19, there were celebrations and engagements via various technology. There have been times that I (am my wife and daughter) have not been invited to things, or we do attend and it's so horrible being there with them. They are also ageing rapidly, and of all the siblings it was me who talked with them most about their own care and medical needs, etc., I explained the procedures and whatnot.

But there is none of that now. It is by my choice, yes, but it is not with ease. It hits me in the guts almost daily, and the internal speak in my head about the crap son that I am to do this t them kills me. But this hurts less than to continue to remain invisible, not understood, unknown and unsupported in the ways that I need. It's going to be hard, friend. One of the things I've had to do is work to create a new family for myself that see me, welcome me and accept me as I am. It will take time, and I'm sorry to say, it will hurt loads, but we are here to support you and hold you through it. (and maybe you might find it helpful to make a beautiful collage of family photos that you can use as a dart board 😉 )

[ecomama]

Hi Becky, Tom R and others reading

I love my name too lol.

I also lost my family but for other reasons than SA... violence and abuse.

Besides going what you went through as a child, separating from family can be the next hardest thing to do.

I know none of us make this decision lightly. The decision was virtually taken out of my hands by Police intervention so overnight they were gone.

Becky no we didn't "win" the SA Court case. Hence me pointing out stats in Aust.

I won 100% care of the children against impossible odds and Family Law itself.

Becky I didn't realise you were separating from your family?

Tom R I hear you loud and clear about the feelings of guilt as your parents age.
I went through another huge wave of this overwhelming guilt when Covid hit.

I called helplines and tbh the flat out response was "remain staunchly no contact"... didn't matter how many helplines I called lol... maybe I was hoping deep inside ONE person would say "yes you're a terrible daughter, contact and help your mother" but ofcourse they wouldn't.

I sought more intensive MH support from a Specialist Trauma Psychologist which was excellent for me for 5 sessions then went steeply downhill so I exited! She was a Specialist in PTSD but not trauma DV and FV... more for ex Army and front line workers etc.

I've kept the same Counsellor for 7y.
I had to report to the Royal Commission during this time also plus Courts and disclosures from my daughters.

The C-PTSD has settled a LOT. The PTSD reactions have diminished. But with every new trauma (one last week) I get triggered, not as badly but it's still there.

Love to you all
EM

[b_abbey]

Yes I hear you there, it does honour YOU. You are the most important person to be well in your life - and to take care of your own family. I have one daughter too - and we are starting to be excluded and this might be it - the final rip or tear.

Funnily enough, my daughter - who is just 16 - lamented the last time my parents visited that they have no boundaries ! I laughed at her insightfulness. Tis true. It's as if we (particularly me) are an extension of them, and to put in place boundaries with them makes me, and their grandchild the 'difficult ones'...I imagine you feel this too. Luckily my husband can stay removed. You might well have been a 'good' son, but now you are probably a better father & husband, by breaking the bonds that didn't serve you well. I see it aches though.

So yes, separation leads to pain, which subsists, as you describe 😞 I see my parents ageing too. Like you,my expectations were high, I expected more - but they cannot meet my needs - as you said. Being with them is more difficult in this past few years than being with apart from them.

I have gained a lot from your thoughts and insight, so thanks for responding - I like the dart board idea lol

Travel well Tom & thank you 🙂

[b_abbey]

Thank you EM! Yes I am near or maybe even at that point of "seperation" - we haven't spoken for a while. I'm so sorry that happened to you - and yes it's a second wound... traumatic

That's a great idea about the helplines and very insightful they are staunch. That gives me --- hope --- that I am not doing the wrong things, bizarrely and thoroughly lol

You have reminded me I need more time with my therapist. IT's so obvious yes! The compounding factor is that I have been diagsoded with ADHD. And yes PTSD complex - some years before. The ADHD diagnosis is very recent... it takes a while for me to even make appointments. I lack motivation.

With the PTSD I wonder if you tried either EMDR or TRE? I did these some years ago & wonderfully now I no longer get flashbacks ! I still have triggers but no flashbacks at all. I read a book by Bessel Van der Kolk - the body keeps the score - and went ahead with many of his recommendations.

Thank you for your insightfulness and care, I so appreciate it 🙂

Love Becky

[ecomama]

Hi Becky, Tom and anyone reading

I was looking for a Psychologist who specialised in PTSD and used EMDR but the one recommended to me didn't use it.

She uses CBT and Exposure Therapy. This worked really well for me.
It was intensive! WOW... hugely... but I'd taken leave from work for 8 weeks to really get into it (and parent my kids learning from home also).

The Psych taught me how to do Exposure Therapy on my own (without her) and this worked too.
We looked at each "issue" then followed it back to a person who caused the trauma and then went from there.

I took it really seriously and threw myself into it. I used other materials at the same time from Kristen Neff, Dr Joe Dispenza and ofcourse the wonderful Brene Brown.

I kept my Counsellor all the way through. She's AWESOME.

The full on "surround sound with full visuals" PTSD reactions don't occur at all now.

I can remember things with very little if any emotional reaction.

Those were my goals so I'm happy for that.

Hmmm parents who think they own you OH DEAR... we were just talking about that this week on mine and Bluberry's threads. Your daughter is indeed very perceptive! Maybe a psych in the making! I have one child who's a psychologist and all my children have changed their career paths due to the DV / FV. Police, Law, Psych... all protective pursuits now (sadly)... they had creative pursuits previously.

There's so much to understand about abuse and abusive people. Understand then STAY AWAY lol.
It's helpful also to learn what the red flags are too.

EM xxxx