Trauma, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety.

[Andrewbb]

What to do when you have 10 brothers and sisters, and Mother has passed away and feeling alone and lonely, feeling abandonded and a deep sense of being betrayed.

Have not worked properly for 5 years as gave up work to be Mum's carer fulltime.

Isolated' no friends' (have a distant friend) no family' no job and not much job prospects.

The grieving (which was delayed response for 15 months) feels like lead in my body and so weight bearing physically' mentally and spiritually.

Feeling lost' no puroose of life anymore.

[Andrewbb]

Hello Tranzcrybe and David.

There is one main thing that has been hurting me since my mothers passing. This is the fact no siblings want to listen to me.

This is also what ive been trying to say during all my posts, if i havent described it clearly.

I felt like i was so important to help mum but now none of them care less about me. Now all this has passed as well but i now feel the abandonment feeling and being alone in it all because none of them seem to care.

I didnt get no thank you's, none of them sat down and spoke with me, no one to acknowledge my story, my feelings and to help let go of my emotions and being upset.

No one understood me and no one cared. This is what made it so sad for me and i am  realising even more as i am writing, it is the reason why i feel i suffered and still suffering.

'No one cared and there was no acknowledgement'!

Its like 'oh well, life goes on' who cares about Andrew. No one cared during as no one helped and no one cared after.

This is what has become so upsetting and caused me pain.

But.... writing in this chat has made me realise where my pain comes from. From these feelings.

So its time to just simply acknowledge myself and stop begging my siblings for this support i didnt get and or receive and now i never will.

I have received more support and acknowledgement by discussing my issues with counsellors and even being here in this chat, ' for myself to understand everything better.

Its great to listen to other peoples stories as you realise everyone is different. This way has helped me to compare as well as umderstand peoples grief is similiar as we grieve in a different way as we were carers for people close to us that have passed away.

And for me there is no one that can see my story and feel my anguish the way i do.

I simply just have to be proud in my own mind and live with it.

I did it all by myself so this is another answer why i feel so isolated within my mind and feelings, its simply because i did it all on my own and its time now, more than ever to just 'Accept' this.

I feel so alone as i did it all by myself. So i have to be proud all on my own.

I feel i wish someone could understand me, what i saw and done, but alas, my siblings simply do not care. I can only get praise from some people who have been through similiar things.

Thank you and for being here and letting me chat here.

I somehow understand the grief and depression and trauma i have put myself through. 

I can see much more clearly now.

Wow...

Thank you 😇

[Andrewbb]

Hello tranzcrybe.

I am more of a laymans terminology person. 

🤗🤗🤗

[David35]

What you describe sounds to be the victim of narcissism. Selfish people who only look for the value you can provide them, rather than any sort of relationship. I know, because after dad died, both mum and I were both victims of narcissistic behaviour from my brother and sister-in-law.

Once they realised that I was the "key" to mum's financial decisions, they started flattering me, almost grooming me, so that mum would keep supplying them with financial handouts. Several years ago, mum got bladder cancer, which she's recovered from now. But during this period, my brother, whose behaviour I'm still struggling to accept, suggested putting mum in a nursing home by using my Power of Attorney privileges, and hinted at his mortgage to be paid off by mum. He never bothered to ask if it was what mum wanted. 

The relationship between him and us has almost fractured. He rings now and then but after seeing his true intentions we have cut off all financial handouts (presents, gifts, etc.) We see him once a year, maybe twice if we're lucky. I think it's been almost a year now with no contact from sister-in-law at all. They have literally spat the proverbial dummy because, despite mum becoming ill, we saw through their charade. They essentially blackmailed us with the love of their kids. Either we paid up, or we don't get to share the love of their kids. Consequently, mum is a grandmother in name only, because I have no kids.

You should be proud of what you've done. But there would be grief from not only you mother passing, but the relationships being broken between your siblings and yourself. Don't worry. I'd imagine to see eye to eye with them you'd have to stoop pretty low by the looks of it.

I went into counselling several years ago for depression and ultimately PTSD as a result of the stress I was under during mum's treatment. One of the questions she asked was "what did I hope to achieve?". I answered that I would like my "old brother" back, particularly his support. Bearing in mind that he abused me at one stage for having a mental breakdown during this period...I was "weak". So over several years I tried, but he never met half way. I've since come to realise that I can't have a relationship with someone who doesn't want to have one with me. 

So to sum up, we've been hit over the head twice. Once with the illness, a second time with the abandonment. This sounds a lot like what you're going through. My dad used to always say "Nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it." There were always be criticisers, but very few people who offer help or support. Not once in this entire period has my brother ever reached out and asked how I was going. Because we've become problems, not people. All he cares about is that pot of gold at the end of rainbow, his inheritance. It sounds like your siblings are the same. Selfish assholes.
If you have inherited a house as reward for looking after your mum in her dying days, good on you. You deserve it. And next time your siblings say something snide or negative just ask them "What did you ever do for her?"

[Andrewbb]

Hello David.

Wow hey.

Our stories are similiar in the way we seeked counselling to deal with this mental anguish.

I had to speak to a professional to learn what this was all about.

But also...

I was talking alot to my counsellor and so sad my siblings didnt like me and i wanted them to acknowledge me and be happy i helped their mother...

But they wouldnt and havent, so best to try move on more positively that i played my role and this is the outcome.

I know this and think this already, but experiencing it here chatting to just 2 others whom i do not even know also confirms it but even in a stronger way... clarifies it for me!

And same here... not once in 2.5 years has anyone asked how i was doing, how i am, and no thank you's from anyone. Oh well......

Again I will say (to acknowledge myself even) in a way that writing it here and listening to others has made my mind just that little bit stronger. And also helped me with answers to my problem.

Thanks fir telling me your personal family problems Dave, cheers.

Me myself... i am still seeking counselling and also help from a mental health team. The answers are found by seeking them out wether clinically or through group discussion and i also go online and do self help stuff, read up and short self help courses online.

All this is helping me STILL learn what the hell is Depression, PTSD, Anxiety, and mostly Trauma.... and undersrand my mental health 😇.

Thank you.

[Andrewbb]

I am looking at going back to TAFE to do a course i started but couldnt complete it because i had to take time off.

3 times i deferred as mum became slowly more ill but also wamted me there for protection.

I started a diploma in mental health in 2019. I started this because i wasnt working and i had a feeling that ide need to learn about all this.

i stopped going due to mums passing, sorting funeral, and having to clean the house up and deal with the Will, probate period which was so sad and hard to do with dealing with siblings. So i got an email regarding my course and havent been there for several months and they withdrew me. But ive last week contacted them and i am able to go back to fiish the course. This should help me tremendously i feel and also get me back to work.

Now when i go back i will be in the right place and right frame of mind to do work with people regarding mental health and with a similiar type of job role.

Cheers and thank you for readung my posts.

[tranzcrybe]

Well done, Andrew (and very reasonable of your TAFE).

Reconnecting will be your best therapy yet, and be sure to notice your altered state of awareness in returning to work/life - - assets by any other name.

And for both you and David, keep openminded about your siblings (if you can) for your own wellbeing; they made some bad choices and might one day come to realise this, so allow those wounds to heal.

[David35]

Helping someone else helps me heal too. So glad I could offer some perspective. "It's not you!".... My problem was that I had expectations of support from my brother's family, which never came. They just went silent. So I can't be disappointed now because I know I can't rely on him. The sad part was that he gave me a talk after dad died saying that family is more important than friends, and he even told dad that he would look after mum after he passed. He's done nothing of the sort, except undermine mum and I and then complain he feels left out. He wanted all the authority with none of the responsibility.  

I think I went through the typical 4 stages of change. 1) Denial  - surely this can't be happening 2) Confusion - is it me, is it them 3) Acceptance - no they are mistreating me, which helps me heal despite the ugliness of it all 4) Change of mindset - don't rely on them, words are cheap, take pride in your values you upheld. You would have been one of the last faces of humanity your mum saw.

It's sad that I can't trust even the closest of people in my family, but the sad reality is that very few people have your best interest at heart. We live in a very self-serving society. My mum has had a similar traumatic experience. She says "You should be able to rely on your family". Well, we all have pre-conceived ideas, but the thing is, support can come from anywhere, usually people who've experienced something similar who aren't necessarily family. 

One other thing. The reason your siblings don't like you, is that you have qualities they don't possess and wish they had. My brother is jealous that I have a relationship with mum, but he has no tolerance or patience to deal with her as she is ageing. He wishes he could be in control of the finances but he's not good with money, is into get-rich-quick schemes, and resents anyone who is more astute. Instead of being resentful, they could just keep their mouths shut and say "Thank you." for easing the emotional, legal and financial burdens off their back. But they don't. Because they're lacking in character.

Trauma is like an iceberg. We can only see the tip of it poking above the surface. The rest is our subconscious mind with all its experiences, emotional memories, etc. When something similar to a past awful experience occurs, our mind goes into fight-or-flight response via the amygdala. But it's like a false alarm, constantly triggering your mind to worry about something that may be perfectly fine. I'm still learning to manage it.

Keep pursuing your TAFE course. It may well help you understand what has occurred to you. I'm sure you would have a ton of experience to offer someone else down the road when you start working.

[Andrewbb]

Hello tranzcrybe.

Reply to your message '' no arguement about the distinction''.

I have read this message several times and it makes me feel better at times.

You have a way with words that help me understand my grieving and grief.

I am still here trying to get back to normal life, i am still house-bound alot but at times i get out and feel better, but still i feel i get dragged back to thinking about many things regarding siblings... and myself.

But again coming here and going over these messages help me to understand myselfmore and better.

Geez... what a life i have now.

Thank you for your time and messages. 💚