Trauma, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety.

[Andrewbb]

What to do when you have 10 brothers and sisters, and Mother has passed away and feeling alone and lonely, feeling abandonded and a deep sense of being betrayed.

Have not worked properly for 5 years as gave up work to be Mum's carer fulltime.

Isolated' no friends' (have a distant friend) no family' no job and not much job prospects.

The grieving (which was delayed response for 15 months) feels like lead in my body and so weight bearing physically' mentally and spiritually.

Feeling lost' no puroose of life anymore.

[David35]

To tranzcrybe, 

My brother had a similar misaligned view of my dad simply because he was never that close to him, especially in has last few dying months. My dad died at 69 but had a very full life. He had no regrets. It's something I learnt several months before he died. But my brother still has the long held view that he missed out and you need to live like there's no tomorrow. I tried correcting him one  day, but his ignorance prevailed. Why? Because he never got to know dad like I did when I was caring for him when he was dying of cancer. Hard times, but memories that I will cherish forever.

[Andrewbb]

Hello tranzcrybe.

I would like to ask you please...

how long has it been since your father passed away.

And....

How long have you suffered.

And....

What is your main thing you suffer from...

Could you let me know please.

Thank you. Andrew.

[Andrewbb]

Hello David.

Thanks for your response.

It does help me to chat here and see others living through this part of our lives and to continue on.

Now that i am here it makes me wonder why us people do not receive better support and training and post training / knowledge.

The goverment and or society accepts people to become carers and even get carers payments but... once this passes for us, we are left to fend for ourselves.

Tranzcrybe has helped me in a big way with the terminology used 

'' grieving the living ''.

This helps to put the / my puzzle together from where the depression and grief started, subconsciously, without even realising in my mind.

I statted feeling sorry for myself as I was thinking '' what will happen after all this ''.

I started grieving my mums passing about 18 months after DOD.

A delayed reaction.

Delayed because i didnt know what is was. Where did it even come from. And how to grieve.

Like 'what is grieving' one would think, well i thought this because i honeslty couldnt describe it back then. (Now i could write a book on it).

When the grieving process started i cried and cried for about 4 days and nights. (this has scared me forever).

I cried profusely and i call it howling cry. I cried so so much 😑.

I then cried for about 3 months on and off but still everyday.

My hrieving still is in me but starting to realise eberuthing more and more / day by day, learning - teaching myself - and mainly ACCEPTING that this is grieving. And i have to stop it somehow to get my life back now.

There is barely any information out there to make or help a person firstly become aware of this grieving process. 

Soon as people take on this role they should be given imformation to read up and tp prepare people about all this, so to help prepare people to deal with this wave of psychological events and consequences.

To teach this process before, during, and especially after as people have to move on and fit back into societies norms.

'' Grieving the Living ''

Yes, I understand and agree very strongly that this should be a medical terminology used to understand the process.

Thanks again tranzcrybe 💚.

Thanks David.

[Andrewbb]

Hello David.

You written and described your feelings as 'The burden towards your siblings'.

This resonates wth me so much.

Another piece to my puzzle which your comment clarifies for me very strongly.

I still feel so upset that they are jealous and hate me. I feel sorry they didnt connect with my and their mum better or for some of them ' even at all ' .

So its not my thinking silly, it is a consequence of all this playing out.

You have helped me sort out my feelings and worries a bit more and better.

Thank you 🤗.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Andrew, and welcome to the conversation David.

As this is a Public space, I prefer not to be too specific, but can confirm similarities to your situation and experiences that I think are fairly universal for those who embark on the journey.

Suffering:
I try not to associate 'suffering' with caring for my dad - it just seemed right to me (no obligation or guilt) in comparison to his limited options, but it was a steep learning curve in taking on all the financial, medical, and personal care needs, plus his gradual decline in capacity turning exponential in the final years which revealed more about my own struggles.

Palliative care (at home) included, amongst other things, very skilled psychological carer support which provided a welcome outlet for receiving acceptance and permission to feel whatever we feel as necessary.

Also, finding contentment in acknowledging what others choose to do (or not) is entirely at their discernment - I don't blame siblings for making their own choices, but feel sorry they denied themselves the opportunity to rise above and make their peace.

My only attribute at the beginning was naivety - my most cherished gift is acquiring selflessness and an appreciation for my dad's quiet reserve throughout his life.

No, I do not 'suffer', but will carry the scars from confronting many difficulties - most of them I can wear with pride as I view the world in a new light.

This has its own advantages and disadvantages...

[David35]

Andrewbb,

Your siblings "grief" is actually regret. I've seen it with my own brother when dad died. Regret that he didn't care about him more when he was sick.

You're right. Being a carer is a bit like becoming a first responder ambo They do all the  training, learn how to treat patients. But they never learn formally how to treat themselves. I mean the accumulated trauma. When dad was in palliative care, we're lucky to have a social worker and even a nun who helped us deal with the complex emotions. I loved him, but hated what the cancer did to him. His personality changed, he looked a prisoner of war he was so thin. But, especially yesterday during Anzac day, I realise his spirit it still with me. I miss him, not because of his conversation, jokes, etc. I miss him because of what values he represented. Doing the right thing was always important. Being popular was of no importance at all.

I'll give you some perspective of how jealousy distorts peoples thinking. Since dad died, I help mum make financial decisions to benefit her, dads super. My bro is so jealous that I'm in control, not him, that he resents it. Even though I'm more naturally skilled at working with numbers and even though these same decisions will benefit him one day via his inheritance. But he's so stupid he doesn't realise, or if he does, he won't acknowledge it.

I'm hoping some of this relates to you. My brother resents me that I'm close to mum. He dislikes me at times because I have personal qualities that he sees in me but wishes he had: compassion, tolerance, patience. Not every day, because like I said I got PTSD as they all ran out. But I would guess that your siblings are jealous that you simply have the God given talent of caring for someone, because they couldn't do it.

I also experienced delayed grief when dad died. Even yesterday, nearly 8 years after, I still miss him. He was in the RAAF and Anzac Day was the one day he could feel proud of his service. I miss that pride.

Your mum is still with you. She's just in the next room. You just can't see or hear her.. but she is there watching over you.

[David35]

Another thing i forgot to explain. When you're caring for someone, the emotions are usually locked away. There are more important things to think about, drugs, appointments, doctors, etc. It's not practical to be very self reflective. But when everything dies down ,that's when the bottled up emotions hit you. I experienced it when mum finished her chemo treatment. She was OK but I developed PTSD. It was the huge backlog of emotions that I had been unable to process because I was too busy worried about other things (usually her) to worry about myself. It's literally like a filing cabinet of emotions which need processing. That's the delayed grief.

[Andrewbb]

Hello tranzcrybe. 

Thanks for your response to my question/s regarding suffering (both from me amd you on a Friday).

I  think that 'now' reading my questions and your response about suffering, that we are are all individuals and experience things in different ways and also use different terminology and words to describe ourselves and feelings.

So... i was thinking that I was wrong to think that we suffer the same kind of way, or like me.

We are experience things in different ways and i became short sighted and put us in the same basket.

So even though we have been through a similiar life event, it is wrong that i was putting us and our feelings and beliefs in the same basket.

(Hard for me to explain this but hope you undersrand this response).

Thank you for your reply to my suffering questions. I can see clearly that i must think my story and experience is mine and to not think that we are all in the same basket.

[Andrewbb]

Hello David.

My response to your message on saturday.

Yes. My emotions were blocked and locked away. But i also was dealing with being the best i could to mum and also became her security guard.

My mum asked me to stay with her full time as she bevame scared and upset when her kids came to talk to her. She knew if i was in the house they wouldnt hassle her and ask for money and or things of value.

I was also dealing with siblings yelling at me trying to pressure me to sell the house and share it.

So besides all this going on... i still put on a happy face and attended to keeping mum happy and safe. Cleaning, cooking her meals as she absolutely loved her meals, and dr appointments and outings to shops for groceries and a nice coffee and a donut. Donut king became the place to visit. Sometimes just done a few laps to look at clothes and what was in the shops.

So yeah... at times i started thinking about the abuse but had to persevere so to continue on with my duty. I was so protective and just wamted mum happy.

But now after mums passing I realised i was ru ning on adrenaline.

Always worried someone will steal something or say mean things to her when i am.not around. I knew this because at times i wasnt with her, ide come home and my mum would be sitting on the lounge crying like a little girl. Ide say mum whats wrong, and she wouls say things to me like... you wouldmt believe what your siblings came and said to me while you were not here.

So yeah... there was several of them that abused her with words when she wouldnt give what they asked for. And it was very cunning if them to do this because they would do it when i wadnt there.

How sad. How can someone do this to their mum, and or even come over in two's and three's and plot to steal and pressure their mother regarding a Will.

This has created my on going suffering now and still.

Yes i now say i have suffered a traumatic experience and response to all this.

Depression set in.

Now PTSD has been created. 

Social enxiety has become an issue.

Why. Why has all this happened to me and still happening today.

I isolated myself bevause i think how sad i was and how crazy this all became.

18 months after DOD something happened. I woke up crying and crying. So i couldnt even go to work.

I couldnt get out of bed for 4 days pretty much. I cried for 3 months. I couldnt face the day.

So yes.

I understand now because I have ongoing counselling and just started psychiatrist counselling now and medication to help get passed this.

I had a delayed reaction because i blocked it all out. One day i woke up and it hit me like a tonne of feathers.

Slowly this weight came upon me like within 2 ir 3 hours, feeling like getting heavier and heavier.and suffered PTSD with depression.

[tranzcrybe]

Sure Andrew, I get that - no argument about the distinction.

I would never suggest that pain is absolute – a paper cut can feel worse than a broken leg, and a significant injury can leave us feeling nothing at all; but emotional trauma is almost always all pervasive, debilitating, and leaving us feeling insecure, restless, overwhelmed, and, in parallel with the above, emotionally numb when pain no longer has relevance – and all from how we process past (and present) events.

Through such adversity there are things we lose and lament over, but we can often overlook the things we gain.

No, I wouldn’t wish suffering on anyone, but having gone through it and come out the other side, you possess skills and qualities that elevate you to greater awareness – the view from here affords you clarity and a certain compassion - if not forgiveness, for the turmoil arising from actions only debasing your persecutors.

Think less about what is wrong, as you express here. It is only right to draw correlations, divergence, and even contradictions when gleaning an understanding for your own particular circumstances through experiences of others near and far.