Trauma from an abusive relationship & I think I have PTSD?

[FeelingWorthless-93]

Hi,

6 weeks ago, my ex walked out on me. We've been having some arguments and internal pressures in the lead up to it.

The reason why I believe I have PTSD is from the way he left me, as he left me with a packed car and said to me "I don't want this anymore, I want to go and find someone new and something new. Please let me go". I didn't see the way he was going to leave me coming, as I wanted us to sit down and talk about it. Come to the conclusion together it wasn't working out anymore. That night has reoccured in nightmares and flashbacks for me which has made me feel anxious even at work.

Our relationship was abusive in a way where he:

-Financialy Abused Me

-Emotionally Abused Me

-Domestic Violence

- Manipulation

- Gaslighting

Since he left me, I keep asking if we can be friends but he has rejected this multiple times and even says he doesn't think we can be friends. I still care about him, even though he makes me feel unworthy, even as a friend.

How do I stop all this, PTSD, anxiety and feeling of unworthiness?

[Sophie_M]

Welcome to the forums, FeelingWorthless.

We are so sorry to hear about what you have gone through with your former partner. We think you are such a strong person to have been through so much and it's understandable that this would be having a really big effect on these feelings of anxiety, and unworthiness. But please know that you've come to a safe space here to express yourself, and our warm and wonderful community are here for you to offer their kind words of support and advice through this. We are really grateful that you were brave enough to reach out to the forums today, as we know how difficult it can be to do for the first time. We would also really encourage you to reach out to our friends at 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice and support to people in your situation who have been through these kinds of experiences, and are available to you 24/7 on 1800 737 732 or also through their webchat here: https://www.1800respect.org.au/ Can we ask if you currently have any mental health support or have opened up about what you're going through with a a friend, family member or GP? We understand it can be a really scary step to take, but please know that the friendly counsellors at our Beyond Blue Support Service are also always here for you to talk through these thoughts and feelings, anytime on 1300 22 4636 or also through webchat (1pm-12am AEST) at www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport They can help offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for ongoing support if this is something you may be interested in. We hope that you keep connected here, and continue to update us whenever you feel ready to. You're never alone in this, and our community would love to help you in your journey.

[tranzcrybe]

It is sad the context in which your ex departed - "I don't want this anymore, I want to go and find someone new and something new. Please let me go". All references to the "I" suggest a selfish personality which considers you as a mere acquisition to be disposed of when things no longer suit the preferences of the individual in question.
This is no reflection on you, but the disrespectful relationship imbalance where your individuality/contribution has been unappreciated and one sided. As you mentioned, any decent response would involve mutually compassionate discussion to find understanding, with options to resolve or move forward as amicably as possible.
As with grieving the passing of a loved one, you will be struggling to reconcile your emotions. Time is needed to come to terms with separation and catch up to the mindset of your ex (who may have come to this realisation well beforehand).
I hope that you will ultimately see the advantages of what presently seems incomprehensible... in your own time.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi there

Sorry to hear you’re hurting. Having been in a similar position I have some understanding of how you are feeling. In order to move forward more easily, closure is important. But given the toxic nature of your relationship, you weren’t afforded that. It’s unfair.

Because you’ve asked how to stop all what you’re feeling, I’d like to share what I found helpful, which may be helpful for you.

Take the focus off him and put it on you. We can’t change the way other people behave but we can work on ourselves. Is there anything nice and nourishing you can do for you?

Go no contact. It’s not easy but it will help you heal quicker. Otherwise you stay in limbo, or worse, open yourself back up to being in what sounds like a very unhealthy relationship.

Write your thoughts out on paper. I found in doing this that it was easy to take the rose coloured glasses off and see the relationship for what it was and what it was doing to me.

Those things also all helped me to claw back my self esteem. There’s a saying I read that says “your worth isn’t diminished by someone else’s inability to see your value”. You’re amazing despite anything that your ex partner might have said or made you feel.

I don’t know if any of that might help, but I hope so. Be gentle on yourself, and do call up the helplines if you want to talk. I found 1800respect to be really understanding. Katy

[emotionallydrained]

Hi there,

I'm sorry to read your story and feel for you.

I think you have suffered a horrible ordeal and can understand why you'd be suffering the effects from that.

I'm not an expert, but have some experience in suffering a form of PTSD from the treatment of a loved one - and while I'm still with them because we're trying to work through it - I am still traumatised by it. It does affect how I react to situations and I do still have internal anger toward some things. It does leave scars that are hard to heal.

What I have learned is that it's all about how you process it in your mind. It's how you set your mindset to what has happened. I think for you, the fact that he has left is a positive. I know you can't see that right now because you are hurting for good reason, but you have been saved from a lot more future pain. If you can look at this as a positive moment and one that has saved you from what could have been a lot more pain and trauma from someone who didn't care enough for you to treat you how you deserve. The way he left is not acceptable. He took away that control from you.

I'm sorry if this is not coming across the right way. I am not good at articulating this in writing, but I just wanted to pass on my thoughts that none of this is your fault and that you are fortunate that you got out when you did. I would not be wanting to continue a friendship with him if he does not want to with you. You are best to do a clean break and move on with your life.

Please don't take that the wrong way as I know you are hurting, but forgive yourself and know you are better than that and better than him. And feel sorry for the next person he ends up with and hope he changes his ways to not have another victim needing this service.

Stay strong.