Trauma Counselling - how do you get through it?

[TheBigBlue]

I’ve been seeing my psychologist for almost a year now.

But we have only had one session (yesterday) where we started to look into my trauma. Prior to this both my psychologist & psychiatrist wanting me to be admitted for specialised care. I was considered high risk. I didn’t want to, so I never did.

Anyway, we barely touched touched the surface yesterday. In fact, it wasn’t even discussion of the trauma that triggered me. I was really anxious & I shaking so she asked me to breathe (as in my deep breathing exercises). But I couldn’t doing it if she could see or hear me. I don’t understand why, I don’t understand why I felt distressed, I don’t know why it was so hard. In the end she had to turn away from me & put her headphones in & play music before I could do it.

i feel like such a failure because I can’t even live a normal life, or be “normal”. Can’t imagine anyone else being as stupid as me & not being able to to do some deep breathing in a room with someone else. It’s weird because when we talk I don’t have any issues looking at her or making eye contact, but something about the breathing triggers me.

so we spoke about other things for a while & then she said she wants me to do just one thing. She wanted me to inhale loudly through my nose & then exhale loudly through my mouth.

And this distressed me so much I started crying. She explained that we need to dig a bit deeper to find out the reasons behind it, but when she asked how I was feeling I didn’t know. I can’t explain why it’s happening. I just wanted to cry.

i feel so stupid. I don’t know if there is anything behind this but I feel so distressed. I feel like my depression is so ready so come back. I was doing so well, had a routine, was going for morning walks, cooking dinners, doing dishes every night & was starting to sleep better.

i got up this morning to find last nights dishes still in the sink. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything. I didn’t sleep well so had no energy to go for a walk. I’ve just sat on the lounge ALL day.
I understand it can be difficult to work through the trauma but how do others manage to do it? I feel like a failure at life. And we still haven’t discussed the person, the abuse etc.

i don’t know how I will get through this.......

[TheBigBlue]

I feel like a failure.

i can’t live life in the normal way that others do. My anxiety prevents me from doing so many things - university, socialising, terrified to look for a new job because I just can’t do interviews anymore.

i fail in my diabetes care no matter how hard I try.

my psychologist was talking to me about setting some small challenges. She wanted to know what attitude I would bring. I couldn’t give her an answer because all I can think is how scared I will be. Then she asked me what it felt like to be brave. I just burst into tears & said I didn’t know. All I could was my put my head & avoid looking at her.

i did eventually sit back up & talked with her & was able to make eye contact, but then she asked me to show her what being brave looked like. I guess she was I imaging someone standing tall, beating their chest (who knows). But all I could do was crumple in my chair.

so yep, complete failure. Can’t do anything

[Sophie_M]

Hi TheBigBlue,

We're so sorry to hear that you had such a difficult session with your psychologist. It sounds like you're having some difficult feelings about yourself at the moment, and we understand that this can be a dark place to be. Please know that you are a valuable part of our community, and we think that it was brave of you to share this experience and these difficult thoughts here - so maybe bravery can look a lot of different ways. Maybe these words on the screen are what bravery looks like.

We hope that you can find something to do for yourself tonight to bring some comfort or enjoyment, like settling down with a movie or taking a warm bath. It sounds like you might need a self-care night.

Always remember that you sharing these experiences and thoughts is helpful to so many people who don't necessarily post here, but read these forums and relate to you. It helps others to feel less alone. Thanks for sharing today - please feel free to keep us updated whenever you're feeling up to it.



 

[Anzee]

You are far from a failure! You are doing your best and an incredibly brave thing by dealing with these big and scary emotions that you have been left with through no fault of your own. It is really hard to navigate how to feel, I’m in a similar boat and my coping mechanism is denial! Every time thoughts get too much and I can’t deal with my emotions I just keep telling myself it’s not real, it didn’t happen so you are being more brave than I am, at least you are letting your emotions out and feeling them and sitting with them, that is definitely one of the hardest things you can do. You’re amazing!!

[TheBigBlue]

Damn this roller coaster never stops.

I’ve had this depression for over 2 years & nothing has made it disappear. Some days are worse than others. And it’s happening again.

I stopped eating breakfast a few weeks ago cause I just wasn’t hungry. Now I can’t drag myself out of bed in the morning. Often I take an afternoon nap.
Today I had a light lunch, it was literally a piece of roasted pumpkin, halloumi cheese, avocado & 2 poached eggs.

that’s all I have eaten today & im not hungry for dinner. I can feel the blues creeping back.

I had started cooking dinners for myself & partner, but didn’t have the motivation last night (we got take away) & tonight I just didn’t want to eat.

I once again don’t know how to stop this slide.........

Drowning in hopelessness...........

[Anzee]

Hey TheBigBlue,

I agree, it is so so hard! I was in such a dark place a few weeks ago I was positive it wouldn’t get better and I was not coping at all. The bad/ down days are definitely not as intense anymore and I can actually laugh and smile which feels amazing as it felt like I have t been able to do that for months. I’m still having a lot of anxiety most days but it’s definitely improved from where I was. There is light at the end of the tunnel no matter how much you don’t believe it.

I have found 1800respect really helpful when I am not coping, just as reassurance that the things I’m feeling are normal and ok. I am still in limbo with my childhood abuse and my relationship and I’m constantly going back and fourth between the two trying to figure out which one is easier to work through but I finally feel like they don’t take my ENTIRE days, I’m always thinking about them in the back of my mind but I can do other stuff and function better in my every day life.

you’ve totally got this.

[ecomama]

Dear TBB

NO WAY ARE YOU A FAILURE!

No way Jose.

You are HERE.
You are seeing a psych.

You KNOW how you feel! That's a lot bigger than you give yourself credit for.

I love what Anzee said about calling 1800RESPECT - please do this!
I've called them soooooooooo many times and they've REALLY helped me beyond words.

I ask to be put through to a trauma psych and they "get it"... then have given me the next steps.

Slowly slowly.

Nurture yourself as the very best friend in the world would nurture you.
You need this care right now.

Sleeping is GOOD.
Eating even something small is GOOD.
Waking up and tapping into how you're feeling is GOOD.

WELL DONE YOU!

Please please watch Brene Brown's "The Call to Courage" on Netflix.
If you don't have Netflix, please watch all her online clips...
And those by Kristen Neff.

Begin to understand HOW to move these feelings - it's by acknowledging your feelings and pouring in all the self-care you can muster.

Please don't compare yourself to others who DON'T have the challenges you face!
That's NOT FAIR on you.

I'd never tell a person who's had a bad car accident that they should run a marathon and neither would you!
Same with MH.

Pour all the care into yourself WHERE YOU'RE AT RIGHT NOW.

We have a self-care thread full of people who struggle with it.
You can pop in and have a look and see what you can do, today, right now.

Thinking of you and send healing energy.

Love EM

[Anzee]

Hey bigblue,

just checking in; how are you going?

ive gone back and fourth so much with my psychologist the last 5 months I often wonder what the point of me doing therapy is and I feel like a massive burden to her, but you know what that’s what they are there for and we are who we are because we experienced severe trauma, so it really is expected we carry so much fear and anxiety! Hang in there, it does get easier.