Too much drama

[lala_]

Hi All 

Not sure what Im looking for maybe just for someone to say, I feel ya, give me a pat on the back... I feel defeated by life and don't trust anyone or anything anymore, I feel the good things are a set up.

Just like everyone else my life has had it moments.

Childhood  - Sexual Abuse for 5 years
Teenage years - Depression, rebellion, drug abuse, crime etc. A bad relationship, which ended with intervention orders, which were broken by physical damage and property damage.
Get my life together, meet a nice man at 19, married at 22

Adult years - 6 months after getting married, we were in a serious road crash and 4 people died, my parents included, my husband and I were seriously injured. Life injures. 
Husband I divorced 4 years later, it was amicable we had both fallen out of love trying to repair ourselves and we weren't the same people anymore.  

About a year later I meet another guy, relationship was normal, we started to try and have a child, due to damage from the crash and 3 miscarriages they worked out I couldn't have kids. The last miscarriage however, he didn't care and walked out on me. (literally packed his stuff and left never to be seen again)

Dealt with the fact I wouldn't have kids and moved on with life.

Fast forward  another year and I meet the man on my dreams, he wants to look after me, gave me an instant family and everything I needed. Should have seen the narcissist coming but just wanting to be loved and that family feel again. I wanted a baby even more now, this family was everything I needed. So after two more miscarriages I got help and managed to carry to full term. 

I had an emergency c section, the nurse pulled the umbilical cord out when she broke my water. This is where I noticed things changed. He started to control everything, had to stay at the hospital that night, made me go home the next day. Life went down hill from here. The last beating he gave me, he her my child and nearly killed me, this wasn't the first time. 

I had to leave my baby with him to run to the neighbours to call the police. He was arrested and went to jail for two years. It's only now Im realising what he did and all the things he did.

I get help see the right people and take the meds.

Does anyone else just feel exhausted with the drama in their life, I just want peace

Im so tired of it all.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi lala,

You have been through a huge amount of trauma and difficulty and I just want to send you some hope and care. That’s more than any human being should have to deal with. But I’m so glad you are getting help and support.

 I imagine you are still relatively young too, as it seems like you have been through so much at a young age. I hope you at least have some peace now in your life for you and your child.

 I think once you have the right support the trauma patterns start to change. But its like early life trauma does seem to initially set the scene for more trauma and struggle.

 I do relate to the utter exhaustion you describe. My body has kind of packed it in as the result of multiple traumas throughout life. I’m finding I have no choice now but to focus on self-care and huge amounts of rest as I attempt to recover from it all. I hope you can find ways to self-care now. I know childhood trauma makes it challenging knowing how to self-care. But bit by bit I think you can get there and things start to get better.

Like you I’ve really struggled to trust people and feel safe. I too feel defeated right now, but little parts of me hold onto the light, so to speak. So I hope I can send some of that light your way and you can feel a bit better. I hope you can feel some peace in your heart. Take good care and feel free to post any time you need to.

[Gamechanger]

Dear Lala

I am heartbroken by your post.  I can say that I know where you are coming from.  I can only offer this.  We are here for a reason.  God only knows what.  I struggle daily and I am sending you my love. I have one child and he is my reason.  He was my miracle child.  IVF etc.  This is not about me.   Just know that a total stranger feels your pain and empathises.