Today is not a good day

Rosy

So much has happened in my life, since childhood. My father was very strict, my mum had mental health issues since childhood. We were sent to my Nan's when mum was not good and we were often by my dad that we would be sent to an orphanage. Whenever they had an argument I was told it was my fault, I believed that because mum got pregnant with me, they had to get married. I was often left out, whilst my sister was loved by everyone, I have always loved her, she is my rock. When I was 17/18 I got my first job, where I was groomed and sexually assaulted by my boss. At the same time, my parents separated and my mum took my two sisters to live in another town, then a couple of weeks later, my dad moved out and I was left alone. I often wondered why I was left behind, that I was so unloved. I have no happy memories of my childhood, I remember hugging my dad once and he told me to get away and pushed me away. I never hugged him again. Throughout my life I thought I had friends but I've found that most of them talk to me only because of my husband. I worked hard and had a good reputation and then I started working where I work now. I didn't notice at first how toxic the environment was until I found out my boss was telling everyone how useless I was at my job. Apparently my boss told other staff what a terrible person I was, how I couldn't do my job and told stories about me. I couldn't figure out why colleagues stopped talking to me. I decided to resign and another manager stopped me, a few weeks later, my boss was investigated and had her contract terminated. I have spent the last couple of years trying to unravel the lies spread but it has been hard. In the meantime, I have had breast cancer and a heart attack and I am not the person I used to be. Now my marriage is in name only, and my husband who says he loves but he no longer shows affection or sleeps withe me. I'm tired of this existence.

indigo22

Hi and welcome,

I'm so glad you decided to reach out to us.

You have been through a lot and I feel for you going through the aftermath.

Like many who have had a difficult family life, there is a lack of self-esteem and self-worth, not to mention self-love as a result. I think you have done a remarkable job continuing to function after all that has happened in your past. However, it sounds like everything has caught up to you now and is crying out to be resolved and healed.

Have you had any support from counselling or medication at any time?

I would rather not make suggestions that you have already tried, so would you be willing to talk more about what you have tried up until now. Then we can work out together what might be good next steps for you to take.

This is a very safe and kind community, you will not be judged here. I hope you will be comfortable enough to reply so I can support you further.

Thinking of you,

indigo

Rosy

It has been a hard journey to this point, there has never been a time where I have not had to deal with issues, people judging me without knowing me, snide comments. Other than my sisters my extended family don't visit or call. Being rejected so many times has become harder to handle, my family say I am a strong woman but I know I am not. Most nights I cry myself to sleep after everyone goes to bed, or cry in the shower. I did see a psychologist for a couple of weeks for the work situation, but have not had the courage to try to talk to someone about my everyday life. I told my doctor I decided how I was going to leave this existence, that's when I was prescribed a mood stabilizer. But my anxiety and depression ramps up and I can't sleep or function, there are so many thoughts running in my head I can't turn them off. People will probably tell me I'm being silly if I say anything or they will brush it off and say its because of what I've been thru. I don't know, maybe I am. Maybe I'm just seeking attention, i don't know, but I do know that very few people know the real me.

indigo22

Hi Rosy,

Thank you for your reply.

You are neither silly or attention seeking, the experiences you have been through have left a deep impression and are rising to the surface because they are unresolved. .

No one knows the real you because you don't feel safe enough to show the real you. That is completely normal given your experiences. I have been through a lot too and can relate to a lot of what you have said. If you would like to know more about me, please use the link below to my first post on the forums, it is an overview and I think it would help you know you are not alone.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/welcome-and-orientation/new-to-the-forums/td-p/566648

I am not on my computer at the moment and find it harder to do a reply on my phone. I will send a longer reply when I am on computer tomorrow.

In the meantime, take care of yourself.

indigo

indigo22

Hi again Rosy,

The fact that you cry doesn't detract from your strength, you have to be strong to deal with a life of struggle and you are living proof that it's possible to survive all kinds of trauma. Crying is the body's way of reducing the tension and emotion you are carrying, it is a healthy response.

I have been at the stage of planning my exit too, in that mindset it feels like the only way to stop the pain and anguish which is never ending. I am few years down the track and I no longer think about it, not because I am so over the moon happy, but because I am stable. I still have days were I just can't find the motivation to do things, but these days I just accept that it is part of recovering and I don't give myself a hard time about it like I used to. I just tell myself it is not one of my better days, maybe tomorrow will be a better day and go with it instead of fighting against it (which just saps my energy more).

There are two things that are important to start on the path to recovery.

One is setting some boundaries for yourself. Think about what you will and will not accept from others in your life and draw a line in the sand (so to speak). This gives you a reference point so when someone begins to cross that line, you can either stand up for yourself or walk away and leave them talking to themselves. It took me many years to learn to do this and it made a big difference. We teach people how to treat us, either by being a doormat that they can walk all over, or by being the threshold that no one is allowed to cross. You will be surprised at how much resistance there will be from others when you start to set boundaries, people are accustomed to you being a certain way and are none too pleased when you are no longer conforming to their idea of you.

The other important thing is to work through the deep seated wounds that have kept you bound to the past. I spent a few years talking with a social worker which helped a great deal, it helped me understand myself and my reactions better. I thought I was doing okay, but I really wasn't getting any better. About 12 months ago, I started seeing a psychologist who also does somatic work and I realised that the trauma is not just held in the mind but also in the body. If the emotions are not resolved, they become lodged in the body and will keep rising to the surface until they are resolved and healed. I would guess that, like me, you have a lot of this stuck emotion that needs to be shifted. Talking will help a lot but will only go so far in helping you recover. There are a rising number of what are known as 'Soul Centered (or Soul Based) Psychologists' who not only do talk therapy, but include other forms of therapy such as somatic work (which includes EFT, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing).

My suggestion to you would be to look into this and have a talk with your GP about it as well. You do not need to spend your life like you have been, there is help and you owe it to yourself to actively seek out that help and start recovering.

Please let me know your thoughts.

Take care,

indigo

Rosy

I am tired, tired of feeling this way. Since my cancer diagnosis and treatment, I am not the same person I used to be. I have peripheral neuropathy, arthritis in my lower back and COPD. I am tired of being in pain, each day comes with more issues, and just when I think things are changing, the rug is pulled out from me. I am not comfortable talking to others about my life and my feelings, so I compartmentalize. A set of bookcases with boxes neatly tied with a bow, and carefully stored away. I feel broken and alone, at times I tell myself to keep going, ignoring the other thoughts of leaving this world. Today was not a good day, I hope tomorrow will be.

indigo22

Dear Rosy,

Happy New Year, I really do hope today is a better day for you.

I am not surprised you are in pain constantly, it's a lot to deal with on a physical level, let alone what you are dealing with on a mental and emotional level.

Is there anything that can be done to improve your current physical issues?

Have you tried any types of natural therapies like acupuncture, naturopathy, homeopathy etc.?

Since you are not comfortable seeing someone to talk about everything, I am wondering if perhaps journaling might help you get some of it out of your head and onto paper.

Also thinking that a daily meditation would help you with the pain and the busy mind. Even a short meditation at first would be beneficial and cumulative, work your way up to a longer time as you get used to it.

I would like to suggest a book that may be helpful to you called "The Body Keeps The Score" by Bessell van der Kolk. Not necessarily an easy read, but worth the effort.

I do hope some of this is helpful.

Thinking of you,

indigo

Rosy

Thank you, a journal sounds good idea, my physical health will take its own course. I love reading, it gives me time to not think about anything. I will have a look at the book.

Thank you for taking time to chat with me. Happy new year! may the new year bring your peace of mind.

indigo22

I will be here whenever you feel like talking Rosy.

Please let me know how you are going and if there is anything I can give you support with, it is why we are here.

Take care and be kind to yourself,

indigo 💜