Then I had my daughter

[mytrauma81]

I’ve grown up with trauma my whole life. 
So many people would comment you’re such a strong person and so resilient. These people knew most of my traumas but not all. 
its true, I am, I was a strong female who had compassion but never allowed anyone to treat me badly. Yet as a child I was treated so badly and allowed it. Being manipulated to feel that I was the problem. I grew up and had great relationship and then found my husband. We had 2 boys and life was amazing. Then I had my daughter and the secret trauma I pushed to one side and never told anyone resurfaced like a tsunami and flash backs began. They influenced me in ways I couldn’t imagine and I became someone I didn’t know. Constant fear and dread. You see I was sexually abused by my 2 brothers at a young age. I never told a sole. My beautiful boys I would now look at as predators. It’s not there fault but I grew up thinking it was not my brothers fault. They didn’t know any better. 1 is a bad bad person who we have all disowned. The other is a manipulative narcissistic person. My other brother- was my protector. Not perfect but always my protector.

the trauma and flashbacks wouldn’t disappear and my dependency on alcohol and stimulants surfaced. No one knows. They see me as a strong independent amazing mum. Which I am but the trauma is eating away. I confided in my husband and best friend and they have been so supportive and said it explains so much. Why I continued to allow the manipulator brother dictate to me. 
I don’t want to tell anyone else but am stuck in this merry go round of trauma. I’ve since lost my dad who was my hero and feel broken. Therapists can’t help. I know it was never my fault. I was too young to understand. But fear for my daughter 24/7. It’s crippling. What are some suggestions that have helped others get past trauma 

[Croix]

Dear Mytrauma81~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum, a good place to come to. If you look around you will find many who have lived througha life of abuse like yours, and will see how many have manged . Nobody pretends it is easy, it is so hard ot remember, so hard to sort out relationships wiht those that harmed you, and so hard to see yourself right now falling short of the unrealistic standards you have set yourself.

By now you will have been given all hte logical arguments and htey probably did little good. While the  birth of your daughter following two sons may have set your mind to dwell on and relive the past you do need tools to help you see the  present world as it really is now down deep in your heart.

Having talked to your husband is great - you are not in isolation anymore -  and his willingness to help is wonderful. Nevertheless this whole matter is something where others wiht epxperience can help.

If therapists don't help they are lacking, they are not specialists in a very delicate field. If you have not done so already I'd suggest contacting the Blue Knot Foundation who have a wealth of resources for you - and for your husband as a supporter too.

https://blueknot.org.au/survivors/

Injures of any sort - including abuse - take time and exercises to remedy. See what you can find and in the mean time please do not berate yourself for reacting as any human being would -and that  includes dark thoughts and can bring on reliance on substances.

My traumas have been different to yours though suspicion, flashbacks and other undesirable matters all were there. Over time they have held less and less power over me. I would expect you will be the same

You know you are welcome here anytime

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Dear mytrauma81,

 I read your post the other day and couldn’t think initially how to help. Then today I was reading some things to try to help myself and I came across a story similar to yours. It is about a woman who had a trauma history from childhood, then married her childhood sweetheart and they began a family. Things seem to be going along fine and then after the birth of her third child everything unravelled in relation to her past childhood trauma. Unhealed parts of herself from her past came back strongly. The article is on the website of psychotherapist Janina Fisher and it is called Anatomy of Self-Hatred: Learning to Love Our Loathed Selves. I’m not saying you loathe yourself, but I just thought the content in the article may help in a general sense with regard to how parts of ourselves that were injured in childhood can resurface in adulthood. We cannot post direct links here but if you google the above you should find it.

 I understand you feeling that therapy doesn’t help. I had several average to very bad therapy experiences before I found a good psychologist. I agree with Croix that if therapy hasn’t helped the therapist is lacking in knowing how to respond to your particular situation. There are therapists who do parts work looking at those parts of ourselves that resurface from childhood trauma. Internal Family Systems is one of those approaches developed by Richard Schwartz. Then there is Janina Fisher’s own method called Trauma-Informed Stabilisation Treatment. Even if you don’t want to try therapy at the moment reading around those kinds of topics might help understand what is happening for you and some ideas about resolving it.

 I am in therapy myself for complex trauma from childhood and it isn’t an easy process but I have definitely made some progress. I have found learning to care for the parts of myself that were damaged in childhood is integral to the process but it does take time.

I’m really sorry for the loss of your dad too. I know it is really hard. I think it is really good you have shared with your husband and best friend. It is better not to struggle alone and it is ok to be vulnerable.

Hope that helps even a little and wishing you all the best.

Kind regards,

Eagle Ray