The day I lost my soul

[Guest_7403]

6 years ago today an event occurred that changed my life forever.

I went to work, and 18hours later when I finally walked out of that place I was never the same again.

Looking about at the person I was before it, and who I am today....I can only describe it as losing my soul, the guy I used to be ceased to exist.

I've lost so much, my home, my life, my drive and any sense of happiness or enjoyment in the short journey of life.

I'm resigned to the fact that I'm never coming back, no treatment, medication or self will can ever remove this pain I live with daily.

Everyone I know tells me that they believe in me, they believe I'm still inside and they believe that I can overcome this.

But they're wrong, the person I used to be could of overcome those things, im not that person anymore.

No one seems to understand, it's like my mind and soul left my body that day...but my body kept living.

There's no better life in the future, just more days of pain and suffering. I didn't ask for this to happen to me, im not a religious person but I find myself asking god did I do something in another life to deserve this punishment.

For someone whose job was to lock evil up to protect the innocent, I am now a prisoner inside my own mind. Yet, there is no key for this door and no one can hear me screaming to be let out.

I look forward to the day I see that light shine through the darkness and im finally at peace

I'm not at risk, it's just a very hard day for me.

[Croix]

Dear Guest_7403~

It might seem like you are very bad for her and she should go. I felt the same way. My partner did not leave despite my being terrible to be with and wanting her to go, and feeling guilty about that.

Like you I could see nothing ahead, and did not want to inflict that on anyone. That view was utterly convincing but flawed, as was my attitude to myself.

I'm more than glad now she did not leave, it gave me great respect for her, and now , even though she has long passed away, I'm a better position to rely upon the one that loves me

My partner did have support, I know you have been going down hill, but is it possible to see if she can have some support just for herself.

Caring and an urge to help is built into many of us (I'd say you included from your past posts), and to deny the chance to assist and care would not have a good effect. After a DV relationship to be the one that is strong is potent medicine

It's a pretty obvious question but you have been right down before, you recognize the signs, How did you improve last time?

I hope you have the energy and patience to read this and reply

Croix

[Guest_7403]

Had one of my most explosive outbursts on Saturday night....haven't had anything like that for a couple of years....had one the weekend before also but not quite as bad.

Did a bit of damage to the house, broke a few glasses etc

Took a few days off this week to reset so I could go back feeling fresh and clear headed.

My birthday is coming up, I don't celebrate it and typically don't let ppl know the date...I just let it go by without acknowledging it. I don't celebrate Xmas either....can't wait for the day to go.

I let it slip the other week to a lady I work with....but then made it clear to her I don't celebrate it and don't want it known....instead of respecting that she's told others in the office the date and I found out tonight they're all bringing in food tomorrow to celebrate it....so I've emailed work and let them know im sick and won't be in.

its frustrating and upsetting to me....I needed the shift tomorrow to ensure I pay the bills and now I can't goto work....I don't know why people don't respect you when you tell them things......I don't celebrate it and don't want it known isn't code word for throw me a surprise party.

My stupid parents never celebrated birthdays, never had friends over for it, was never a big deal....now that I'm older I loathe my birthday don't want anything to do with it.

Every year would just get a peters ice cream cake....and mum would always give us kids a small piece because dad "would want extras"......I hate it...I hate my parents.....unloving, unsupportable, negative people who just tear you down and rip you apart.

I went there two weeks ago (first time in 6 months)....30 mins and they commented on my weight, my new rental not being good enough, car not being clean enough, car not being serviced regularly.....its soul destroying....nothing good to ever say.

My new partner, is lovely, she's trying....but she's upset at me because I won't go to Xmas with her folks....she doesn't understand the stress and anxiety I feel leading up to and then on Xmas day....would rather drink myself stupid alone at home. What a life.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Guest_7403,

Sorry to hear about what's going on. It sounds like it was very upsetting for you. The community will be here to listen and chat with you. If you would like some further support tonight please feel free to call Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636. If, however, you feel unsafe this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

[therising]

Hi Guest_7403

I'm glad you gave yourself the freedom to come here and vent your frustration and upset. Sounds like you've been holding a lot in which is understandable, especially given the lead up to 2 of the most triggering days of the year for you.

I think some people just don't get it, how 2 days of the year they love so much can be significant triggers for others. They can be days which conjure up horrible memories for some. I think of my mum in this case. With December holding both Christmas and her birthday, December also happens to be a month she dreads. The lead up to December actually impacts not just her mind but also her immune system, often leading her to feel unwell. It's a month which conjures memories of moments which have been the most challenging in her life. When she expresses her dread of December, I encourage her to vent how she feels, while offering ideas on how to manage to get through it in sometimes unconventional ways. Others will say to her stuff like 'Why can't you just get over it and get on with life' or 'You should be happy (during a time of celebration)' or 'You can be so negative', which are further triggers for her.

While the people at your work sound incredibly thoughtful, it also sounds like the thought stop with them thinking 'How can we make this a great day', for you, from their perspective. If they had your perspective, maybe they'd let it pass. From your partner's perspective, sounds like she loves Christmas with her family and perhaps wants you to love it too. When it comes to celebrating Christmas, I believe people are either switched on to how we feel about it or they're tuned out. It's like it doesn't matter how you relay your feelings about it, sometimes it's a matter of people brushing those feelings off before questioning 'What's wrong with you? Everyone loves Christmas' or announcing 'It's not that bad'. At the end of the day, it's okay not to celebrate these days (birthday anniversary and Christmas day). If you wanted to change what these days mean to you, that's a whole other story.

While some parents can be questioned 'Why did you only raise your child through financial opportunities while failing to raise them in other ways?' what you can be met with is 'I raised my kids in the same way I was raised and there's nothing wrong with me'. Hmmm. Typically kids can feel, through into adulthood, when they're being raised and when they're being brought down. 'Soul destroying' has a definite feel to it.

[Guest_7403]

Birthday has passed....but has taken a significant mental toll.

Just don't understand why I can't be a normal person.

[Petal22]

I’m sorry Guest 7403 …… hang in there I understand it would be hard…..

Do something nice for yourself even if it’s catching up with a mate…

[Guest_7403]

Haven't been to work for a few weeks....going back next week.

My life isn't too bad atm, I don't see my youngest daughter (and won't for a very long time).

I continue to fall down outside of work...but I feel work is the driving force.

Atm I'm working a non custodial role in the prison...but it is still prisoner contact and I am not challenged in the role I am doing.

I am fairly intelligent and driven to excel in whatever I do, but I never went to uni after high school so do not have any tertiary skillset to fall back on.

I started a degree last year and did very well, but couldn't meet the mandatory commitments due to work...it was instant failure regardless of academic performance and I just couldn't attend the tutorials each time...you only get so much annual leave etc.

I live alone, and have no external finance other than myself. I cannot quit the job that caused my illness because I need the security and salary I receive....to get a new job wouldn't give me this salary as I don't have any qualifications.

I really don't know what to do, can't keep working there because my mental health is terrible, can't leave because couldn't afford to live.

Can't afford to study and risk failing as the costs are too high. At 6k for two subjects a term...to fail because I can't attend and pay that money is not an option for me.

Being alone in life is so hard.

[Petal22]

Hi Guest 7403,

Its nice to have a break from work.

Im sorry that you won’t be seeing your youngest daughter, that must be hard for you.

Im glad life for you at the moment isn’t too bad.

I understand that if your not challenged in in your job that you may want to grow more and look for other employment.

Im glad you did well in your degree it must be frustrating that you can’t attend the tutorials.

Hmmmm it must be hard to feel like you are stuck in doing a job that you don’t really want to do… especially if it’s concerning your mental health…

Have you been able to have a good look around for jobs that are available outside of the prison?

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Guest_7403

It’s good to hear about your learning initiative, though, I understand what you said about the time, money and work commitments. Would you consider checking TAFE options? They might have something at lower rates, plus Covid has changed a lot and plenty of courses are offered online these days. Would this be something that might be of interest to you?
Or instead of studying maybe you can oils consider checking peer positions? Your experience (working and personal) might prove invaluable.

[Learn to Fly]

Please disregard “you can oils consider” and read “you could consider “ instead. Dictionary playing up, sorry.