The day I lost my soul

[Guest_7403]

6 years ago today an event occurred that changed my life forever.

I went to work, and 18hours later when I finally walked out of that place I was never the same again.

Looking about at the person I was before it, and who I am today....I can only describe it as losing my soul, the guy I used to be ceased to exist.

I've lost so much, my home, my life, my drive and any sense of happiness or enjoyment in the short journey of life.

I'm resigned to the fact that I'm never coming back, no treatment, medication or self will can ever remove this pain I live with daily.

Everyone I know tells me that they believe in me, they believe I'm still inside and they believe that I can overcome this.

But they're wrong, the person I used to be could of overcome those things, im not that person anymore.

No one seems to understand, it's like my mind and soul left my body that day...but my body kept living.

There's no better life in the future, just more days of pain and suffering. I didn't ask for this to happen to me, im not a religious person but I find myself asking god did I do something in another life to deserve this punishment.

For someone whose job was to lock evil up to protect the innocent, I am now a prisoner inside my own mind. Yet, there is no key for this door and no one can hear me screaming to be let out.

I look forward to the day I see that light shine through the darkness and im finally at peace

I'm not at risk, it's just a very hard day for me.

[therising]

Hi Guest_7403

Ahh, there you go; you have an incredible natural ability or you could say super natural ability. Makes you undeniably magical, especially seeing others actually study to be able to do what you can naturally do.

Narcissists are definitely hard to read. The better the acting the harder it is to pick the fact they're acting. If they think they can get what they want by being compassionate, they'll act 'compassionate'. Sounds like your ex was a good yet depressing actor.

It's so hard not to take what people say and do personally, especially when you're a sensitive person. I've come to find 'wonder' is a handy tool to have, being a sensitive gal. Someone could say to me 'You don't know what you're talking about. You're an idiot', for example. Did you feel that? BRUTAL SHUT DOWN! Hard not to take being shut down personally. Cue wonder. I wonder why this person's so arrogant and degrading. I wonder why they have no filter. I wonder why they're so socially unskilled to the point where they think insults are the norm in social situations. Could it be they're more invested in their own self importance? I wonder what makes them this way? Did they learn it from a dysfunctional parent perhaps or are they just seriously deluded? Now, I hope the following gets a bit of a smile out of you. Do I keep my wonder to myself or do I express it out loud at that person? 'I wonder what gives you a lack of self control when it comes to how you interact with people. I can't help but wonder why you're so insulting, over opinionated and closed minded? I genuinely want to know, out of sheer curiosity'. Wondering out loud on occasion does tend to trigger the person you're wondering at 🙂 I've found, while wonder has the ability to conjure emotion, it can also shut emotion down in favour of pure analysis/constructive questioning. Hard to master, especially if you're in an emotional situation. I figure, being sensitive, if I'm going to be triggered I may as be triggered to wonder.

If you're a reader of people, I imagine you're also sensitive enough to read situations quite well. I find it's a massive challenge to read a depressing situation and not become depressed by it at the same time. Take a 6th lock down in Melbourne: The 1st major one felt depressing. All that followed felt more intensely depressing. Not hard to sense/predict the mental health impact on the state of Vic. You can feel where it's heading. This triggers me to anger, as I feel so much for others.

[Guest_7403]

I can't accept love....my upbringing, my ptsd and the way I look at myself with pure hatred.....I don't accept anything good anyone says about me.

Been seeing a lady for about 2 months now....and she tells me all these things she sees in me and tbh it's things I've heard a million times before and I refuse to accept it....if anything it upsets me more and makes me hate myself even more as I don't believe it or see it in myself.

she told me Sunday shes falling in love with me....it immediately threw the walls back up, just drinking myself stupid now and refusing to see her again.

I look around at all these happy couples, people living there life and doing the things they enjoy.....I can't do that...I don't have the ability to do those things and enjoy it.

When I try I get upset and it sends me into a down spiral.

Sends me to that dark place where I feel my only chance of peace is 6 feet under when I can no longer think.

You only got one shot at life, and it's a short one....mine is seemingly over at 37

[Guest9337]

gday guest_7403.

i pray and hope you are having the kind of day that is meaningful for you.

you seem to be highly aware that those we love, have the most power over us, thus true love is very vulnerable... because it is known psychology that those that love us and that we love, are the ones who will hurt us most often and worst of all.

It is just facts of life.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Guest 7403,

We're so sorry to hear you're feeling this way. It sounds like you have a lot of awareness of how it’s affected you, and we hope you can be proud of yourself for that, and for sharing this here.

It might be helpful to reach out to Counselling Online, who have amazing counsellors available to discuss how you’re feeling, and to explore how you could set up some other support, so that drinking doesn’t feel like the only option. You could also talk to the Beyond Blue counsellors on 1300 22 4636, or you might find Mensline useful on 1300 78 99 78. They might be particularly good to talk to about opening up or navigating this really difficult period where your reaction is to close off. There’s some advice from them on communication in relationships here.

It’s really important that you are kind to yourself, and keep yourself safe. Please remember that if you feel unsafe the number to call is 000. It also sounds like the Beyond Now suicide safety planning app may be a helpful resource to you. You can read about how it works and where to download it here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning. You can even call Lifeline (131114) and compete it together with one of their counsellors over the phone

Thanks again for sharing here, Guest. As David's understanding post goes to show, this community is here for you. 

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[therising]

Hi Guest_7403

Not sure if I mentioned before...I once read a brilliant book written by a brilliant guy, a book which touched on the different aspects of our self. It was strange in a way of how he spoke of the various senses of self like those we may come to know as 'The Victor', 'The child', 'The lover', 'The Victim', 'The Sage' and other parts of our nature. To me, what made it feel so strange is the idea that if we were to give a name to each one of these aspects of self, what we have are multiple personalities. I suppose the question becomes about who is or what is our true or core sense of self while we're coming to know all the different parts of who we are.

I suppose we all have 'The Commander' in us. You know that sense of self that, while helpful with structure and direction, can also feel depressing at times. Can sound a little like 'Don't be so stupid. Get you're sh*t together and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Get on with things and stop dwelling'. By the end of the day I may be in tears only to have 'The Nurturer' in me chime in with 'Don't be so hard on yourself. You're doing the best you can under the circumstances'.

I find the hardest aspect of self to connect with at times can be 'The Sage'. If we could hear the Sage in us perhaps we'd hear them say 'Have you done this before, have you faced this challenge before? Do you know how to make it through without a hitch? Of course not. Then why are you being so cruel to yourself?'

It might sound strange but perhaps the people who are telling you who they believe you are are actually seeing aspects of you which you can't see as clearly. I believe the truly most beautiful aspect of a man is his sensitive self. It is beautiful and gentle, thoughtful, philosophical, wonderful, charismatic. At times it is childlike with its innocence and laughter yet ferocious with its courage at other times.

Perhaps others know you better than you know yourself. Perhaps when next someone thoughtful mentions something along the lines of how compassionate you are in nature, for example, instead of rejecting this recognition, you could open your mind to wondering which aspect of you this trait belongs to. I believe there are many parts of us to be discovered throughout our lifetime, as well as parts to be healed. Could one of your greatest challenges relate to truly coming to know yourself, something others may be trying to lead you to do?

🙂

[Petal22]

Hi Guest 7403,

Im sorry you are feeling this way, I understand it would be difficult for you.

Sophie has given you some really great contacts I think you should call them for some support.

Your life isn’t over for you guest 7403, please give yourself the possibility that life can get better for you…

[Guest_7403]

So tired of fighting just to exist/survive.

Try to look forward but see nothing....just emptiness.

[Petal22]

Hi Guest 7403,

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

Guest 7403 you are such a caring and compassionate person to others….

How would you feel about giving yourself this same care and compassion?

Hang in there, I’m always here to chat to you and I understand what you are going through would be difficult for you..

Keep walking through the storm your rainbow is waiting for you on the other side 🙏

[Guest_7403]

Finding that my mind is in very bad shape at the moment....I can feel it slipping over weeks but am never able to stop the train wreck......its a bit like I can see the tracks are broken further ahead but can't apply the brakes....and just allow the crash to occur.

I know my triggers and know what happens to me mentally and physically so well....all the warning signs are there....but I cannot stop it.

The drinking begins, one can a night, then two, then 6, then all day and night on my days off...

The other indicator is that I restrict my diet....days without eating, or eating one meal a day that's completely insufficient to maintain myself....its deliberate and calculating....as the alcohol I drink is sugar free with no calories so that I don't get energy from it either.

I've lost weight over the last 3 weeks...with no signs of slowing....I've done this many times in my life....it lasts months until there is nothing left of me. I'm average weight now so it won't be long before I'm underweight and look sick...a lady at work noticed weight loss yesterday.

I came home to my partner already here yesterday....shes nice, she tries to understand but has no idea what to do, say or how to help....I don't blame her....I don't know what to do.

I went to the bottle shop and bought a 6 pack....two hours later its gone...we had dinner and finished....and my partner came around to kiss me....and I just broke down in tears....and kept saying I don't want to wake up anymore, I just want to go to sleep peacefully and never wake up again....I just went to bed...it was about 730pm.....she got up for work and tried to hug and kiss me when she left....she said she was going now not that I care.......I never responded and just rolled over.

I keep telling her to leave me, move on, find someone that's stable and healthy....as I just cannot maintain any stability for more than a couple of days.....shes been through enough (DV) from her previous relationship....and I don't want her to be in another unhappy relationship or constantly worried about me.

I'm not violent or anything, but I feel my mental issues are just as damaging to her...as it's awful for her to be treated how I do. I push and push her to leave and she won't....it upsets me....I get very lonely when I'm single.....but better than I used to be.....but I feel so much pressure and anxiety being with someone....I have terrible fears of abandonment so won't let anyone get close now.

I dunno what to do anymore...so tired.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Guest 7403,

It sounds like an incredibly difficult time. Thank you for sharing this here, we hope this helps you to reach out and draw on the support that can best help you through this.

We are reaching out to you privately, but if you'd like to reach us directly we're on 1300 22 4636 or online chat (11am-12am AEDT). It might also be helpful to reach out to Counselling Online, who have amazing drug and alcohol counsellors available to discuss how you’re feeling, 24/7.

Thanks again for sharing here. We hope you can see how strong, honest and resilient you are being in opening up here.

Kind regards,

Sophie M