Supporting a PTSD sufferer and partner who is violent

[Llama_Calma]

I will try keep this short. My long term boyfriend is a good person, with good values but is frequently violent. I know he has been diagnosed with PTSD (and possible borderline personality disorder). He has severe anxiety at times, as well as a range of other physical health conditions (cardiac, diabetes). He does NOT drink or take (illegal) drugs.

The violence could be worse, but it is very frequent. Usually punching me hard in the arms or shoulders (not face or torso) or some times in the back of the head (but not with the same full swing force he would use on my arms). Sometimes there is other stuff, such as kicking my legs or pulling my hair. It usually comes in short bursts but daily. He is rarely remorseful because he believes he is retaliating for my disrespectful behaviour. However he is very sensitive to rejection, and so if he is not feeling well sometimes "disrespectful behaviour" is not immediately stopping whatever I am doing when he speaks.

He has seen psychologists from time to time, but certainly does not ever allude to having "anger issues". He is absolutely opposed to us seeking help together, and sees any suggestion of us (or me) seeing a psychologist as a threat. When things get really bad, I have threatened to leave, which just increases his anxiety and makes things worse.

I have never told a single person in my real life about any of this. A stranger once made a report to Police (via number plate) after he lost his cool whilst in the car (traffic jams also trigger his anxiety) but he just denied anything had happened and that was the end of the matter.

He is not working and is not in a strong financial position, and this adds to his stress. He is trying to pursue some artistic endeavours and feels I do not spend enough time helping him with his work.

The other night, he punched me in the shoulder/back from behind, but I was facing a cupboard door, so now have bruising around my eye and eyebrow and pain as my face hit the door. This was not because he hit me any harder than usual (so was an accident in some respects) but I have been having nightmares about other "accidents" happening.

I want to try and get him help so we can have a healthier relationship. I expect some people will say "leave", but hoping someone who has come out the other side of something like this could assist. BTW, there are no kids in the equation.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Llama Calma,

We are so sorry to hear about what you have been going through; It sounds really tough. It’s never okay for someone to treat you in this way. It takes a lot of courage and strength to reach out for support and we are so glad that you have done so. We hope that you can get some support here, the community will be here to listen and chat with you. We also encourage you to reach out to 1800 Respect- 1800 737 732
 

[SleepingisWhenImHappy]

I’m sorry 😢

Reading your post makes me so saddened , anyone who’s going to tell u what u want to hear has not dialed with domestic abuse.to do so is unrealistic

Your making excuses for him , That saying love is blind , is that perhaps the why

In life I have learned you can’t change people , only your self

same way as you can’t help others, only your self

been hit by ANYONE, even if it’s only your arm is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE EVER ,!!

if been in traffic is enuff to tigger him, Your walking a very fine line indeed.

woman die every day , due to domestic violence,Maybe if you Leave if he truly cares will get help . I know you want a different answer but to say stay isn’t wise.Your choice bottom line.

[Ggrand]

Hello dear Llama Calma,

A very warm and caring welcome to these forums..

Your story is so very sad, and something I can relate to as I had a violent and controlling husband, for 38 years until he passed away 8 years ago....My child hood wasn’t much better at all...So in a way I thought my marriage was normal for so many years....

I eventually realised what he was doing was so wrong and thought I could change him...Big mistake, we cannot change a person no matter hard we try...they are who they are...

I read that you don’t want to leave him...I felt the same...but since he has passed, I do not get hit anymore, don’t get yelled at anymore, I can wear, eat what I want to, go to bed when I want to....I can now have friends...lI am very sad that he passed away, because I still love him...but I didn’t like him or his abusive ways...

I am now struggling with C- PTSD and mental health conditions due to the long term abuse I suffered with my husband.....who should have been loving and caring for me...instead of abusing me...and I don’t want this for you or anyone else...You deserve so much better..

You say he has PTSD..okay but that doesn’t make any excuses for how he is treating you...that’s just an excuse from him to cover up his abuse and make you guilty for him hitting and abusing you...He knows what he is doing and will continue doing it while he can get away with it...

If he loved you, he wouldn’t hurt you, could you ever hurt someone you love?...

Please Llama, you are not a punching bag..you are a person, that deserves respect, love and care...Please think about you and what you want in life...I’m sure you want a pain free life, with someone that does love, respect and care for you..and not someone who is constantly abusing you..

Here if you need to talk beautiful lady..

my kindest thoughts with my care..

Grandy.l

[Sophie_M]

Hi Llama Calma,

You’ve been incredibly brave in sharing with this supportive community, and we're really glad you've done so. No one should have to go through this, and we want you to know that you are not alone.

We strongly encourage you to call 1800 Respect. They are available by phone (1800 737 732) or they have a really good webchat (https://chat.1800respect.org.au/#/welcome). Both are available any time of night or day. The counsellors are experienced in dealing with situations where the person using violence is still in the house, and will work with you on a safety plan. If you ever feel unsafe, this is an emergency and you should call 000.

We are all here to support you, so please do keep on sharing with us here. Please remember that you can call Beyond Blue at any time you need to talk things through on 1300 22 4636, or for webchat or email options go to https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support

We really hope you can find support, understanding and advice in the responses Grandy and Sleeping is When I'm Happy have left. Thank you for sharing with this community, who have experience, empathy and kindness for you always. Please feel free to update us on how you are going, if you feel safe and comfortable doing so. 

Kind regards,
Sophie M

[SleepingisWhenImHappy]

Hi

Your post is so well written

It’s what I was trying to say however you say it a lot more kinder than me

not that I EVER mean to be unkind to anyone!

I personally have never been hit , however my sister when thur terrible abuse and luckily because I gave her some help she left and has gone on to doing great work for white ribbon till this day . Anyway , bottom line I feel we both where giving the same advice

and the main point been you can love someone so much but u can’t change them and been hit or even yelled at is Never ok. I just think your letter was a lot better approached than mine. Either way I hope the message is taken on board . As woman we should be treated like queens not punching bags. I’m glad your free now of the abuse

wishing the best too you both

me 😁