Supporting a friend with PSTD

[SallyM]

I am been supporting a friend with PSTD for the last 8 months. Much of this have actually been happy times for us as friends and valued by both. At times my support and care was valued and at times clung too. Its always been a fine line between providing the support and giving space.

The PSTD has been compounded by a housing issue for which there is no current resolution. He has received specialised counselling since last August but referrals to a psychiatrist have been slow and the first appointment is for next week. He was prescribed anti depressants in late October and they appeared to allow him to function and even have some happy times but he was unable to sleep. In a series of disappointments for him he went off his medication for a week and resulted in a change of medication, this time leaving him sleepy, irritable and totally fixed on his problem. He has been angry at me for this time and now believes the care and support I have offered do nothing to help him.

Over the period he has pushed back on me 4 times, in person, in phone conversation and now in text which have caused me some distress but I also understand the person I valued has a mental health problem of significance. Each time he has wanted contact but reduced its scope. Face to face went to phone only, we reached a point in December/January were we did both. 3 weeks ago he told me the conversations that once gave him happiness now caused him pain and he didn't have the strength to talk. Last evening he pushed away from the texts. "Kind words would not help is situation". I am aware he has pushed others away and then been critical of them for a lack of support. He has always been remorseful after the the upsetting , angry times.

I don't want to be the one who walks away and at the same time don't want this to cause me pain. I cut the conversation off last night with an ok, Have a good evening rather than cause any further damage to either. I have read many of the threads on what to say . They haven't worked.The kindness and care is simply rejected as being of no use although he is grateful. I would appreciate some guidance on how and if to continue contact during these times, knowing that the needed help is at hand but it may also take some time.

[Doolhof]

Hi SallyM,

I am certainly no specialist so would like to recommend that maybe you call one of the support lines like Lifeline or Beyond Blue and have a talk with one of the support workers. They may be able to advice you.

It is certainly important that you look after yourself in all of this and I admire you for wanting to be there to help your friend and have been doing so for so long.

As a person with mental health issues I know how hard it can be when you really want someone to help you but don't know how to accept that and end up pushing a person away. The you feel totally alone and like no one cares! It can be so very confusing for the sufferer and also the people around them.

I guess you need to set boundaries and be prepared for what ever happens, realising that it is not you but the person's illness that is the issue.

Wishing you both well!

Cheers from Dools

[SallyM]

Thank for the response. I will make contact as you suggest and get some advice on a way forward.

Texting is difficult , without seeing his face or hearing his tone I don't know what mood I am walking into and just have to hang on. Its the hanging on that is becoming increasingly difficult to bear and part of this is the grief of my friend, the kind and gentle one disappearing and not knowing if and when they will return. I also don't want to do irreversible damage to our friendship which I still value.

Earlier this morning rather than simply leave it as an ending I wrote saying I respected and understood his changing needs, I wished him well in finding a solution and in his treatment and said I would only text from time to time now as I didn't want to cause him pain or create it for myself. That the care and support was there when he needed it and that I repeated that I had faith and patience that there would be happier days ahead for him and happier conversations for us. He does always respond very quickly and also this morning thanking me very much for the good wishes and wishing me a good weekend.

I feel better I have written this out and had a response. I have set a boundary by terminating a conversation that could only be harmful and still letting him know I am there if and when he needs me.

[Croix]

Dear SallyM~

As a person who has been on the other end of this, with PTSD, depression and anxiety, there is a very strong desire to be left along, and to blame - be angry and resentful -as well as be preoccupied.

Under the circumstances I think you have done exactly right, left a strong feeling you are there if needed, not taken irrational unkindness personally and drawn up a plan to keep your contact to a minimum, only really responding if prompted by him.

To keep on pressing would have adverse consequences - probably for both of you. Please bear in mind that his psychiatric treatment has not yet started and that the second medication sounds worse than the first - maybe something for future adjustment.

You would be only human to feel grief, rejection and powerlessness in this situation. As a result you too need support, and if you have family or a trusted friend you can lean on please do so. Trying to cope in isolation is hard, and one can be prey to all sorts of unwelcome and mistaken thoughts .

Please let us know how you are getting on

Croix

[grt123]

You're wise as well as kind.

[SallyM]

Thank you, I spoke as suggested by Doolhof to Lifeline yesterday and I felt much more at ease talking to someone independently. One thing that stood out was that in giving the needed space to him I was also helping myself by giving some power back to myself by not reacting to the variations in his moods and needs which was becoming too upsetting for me.

Throughout these more difficult 3 weeks he as remained consistent that he too was looking forward to telling me good news at last and having some of our happier conversations when he was ready. I am of course fearful those days will not come and there is a need to do some work on myself to have the faith that they may and that it is as he says for the moment kindness is not working for him.

[SallyM]

It seems a very long time since I posted and I was surprised it had only been 24 days ! Things have progressed. My friend has found a temporary solution to his problem and is now worried about it being temporary. We texted throughout these weeks, nothing substantial but building on volume at least. He was clearly talking to others but not me but things changed and then we had our first conversation over the weekend. Alot can be hidden in a text that is revealed in a tone of voice and he is still clearly very unhappy, treatment has not progressed with his second appointment next month and he is making very short term decisions that could impact the rest of his life.It was evident alot had been happening he had chosen not to involve me or tell me about. He doesn't like me asking questions. I feel totally excluded and unwanted. I am here to help not to simply be there when he is happy as he has said whatever than means. I thought friendship was more than that. But I haven't had a friendship with PSTD. It seems odd now we are talking again that it has raised the question in me if there is any value to moving on with this and I may now be happier myself in simply walking away.

[Croix]

Dear SallyM~

It is a confusing situation for you, as you are talking but things are not as they were. You may no longer be the support you would like to be. The fact he has been talking to others and maybe making decisions on that basis is not a thing you would like to hear.

It is sad and frustrating when someone you care abut makes poor decisions, and there is very much an urge to undo harm such actions might do.

You do have however to look after your own welfare. Uncertainty, a feeling of exclusion and not receiving any support at all in return are all thngs that harm you.

When I was very ill I still know my partner was there and while bad tempered did try to ease her path. I was not that successful and did not realise it was becuse I loved her still. However I did try, and she could see that. In this situation you can't.

You are talking of having a friendship with PTSD - you dont! If you have a friendship it is with a person, and even if they are ill will try to do as I did and in between the preoccupations, anger, isolation and resentment will try.

May I suggest you bear this in mind and try not to invest so much of yourself at this time?

Croix

[SallyM]

Tks for the response Croix

Helpful as ever. I may have mis worded things. I am used to being in friendships through the good and the bad but not in a friendship with someone with PSTD who is still in the early days of treatment. He has started to communicate with people around him but in a fixed way around solutions to his immediate problems. As he has said care and support which he sought from me , cant help him at the moment (action over words) but he still wants the friendship to continue in happier times for him. He has started to be able to text for longer, has actually asked about me and our conversation at the weekend was for 2 hours but hes not in the happy place he wants to be. I am continuing on with a reduced contact and he is part of my life not the full life but its very confusing at times and it does upset me.

[Croix]

Dear SallyM~

PTSD can be for some all-consuming, which to others can look like being reoccupied with self, it's not. I think hte fact he asked about you means you in his world.

The illness is not one that is quickly fixed - or not for me anyway - and getting impatient, fed up and despondent is par for the course.

I think on the whole things are encouraging, particularly if you continue to bear your own welfare in mind

Croix