Struggling with stalker ex-boyfriend

[annawave]

Hi all. First time poster so I'm a bit nervous..

Last year I've had to deal with my ex-boyfriend stalking me and not leaving me alone after we had broken up. Long story short he had messaged me non-stop, trespassed into my house late at night to knock on my window and have visited me at work a few times up until I was fearing for my safety. I finally managed to get in contact with the authorities and have managed to get a personal safety intervention order in November. For the most part it felt very surreal at the time and I didn't think that I could fully embrace what was happening. I keep thinking that he could just show up at my house any time of the night.

I couldn't sleep at the thought that he would knock on my window again at 3am in the morning. This would go on for many nights throughout the week. Because I still live with my parents it was hard to tell them that I think I needed to see someone about what was happening to me as they don't really believe in counselling.

Up until now I feel like I've been repressing all these thoughts and feelings that now I feel like it's all slowly catching up to me. I feel even more constantly paranoid before going to bed and now I think it has gotten worse to the point where I can't sleep with the lights off. I've spoken to my friends about what has happened but I feel like now that some time has passed everyone else has moved on from what has happened but I'm still stuck. During the day I feel like it isn't as bad but once I'm in bed at night is when I feel the worst. Sometimes the smallest sounds or breeze of wind from outside would keep me up in thinking that what if it's him hanging around my backyard..

I feel embarrassed that if I go see my GP it feels like I've left it too late. I've had to take time off uni and I'm just really struggling since I've never had to seek out help before and it's all so new and daunting I wouldn't even know what to say.

Thank you so much for taking even a bit of your time to read my post.

[TheGordianKnight]

Dia Dhuit AnnaWave!

First, I want to express my sorrow this has happened to you.

I can't ask for (and please don't provide) your age, but of you are old enough to get a protection order you are most definitely old enough to seek a GPs help. They may even be able to help you with a limited number of free psychiatric support services depending on your state and conditions.

It is absolutely NEVER too late to seek help. I have only recently begun seeking treatment for things that happened to me as a child and a teenager. I am closer to having a midlife crisis than I am to being a teenager.

Your parents may not believe in counseling or therapy, but that doesn't matter. It is like gravity, the rotation of the earth and taxes. You don't need to believe in it, but it's still there and still very real.

You should 100% see your GP. Ask for a private session, only tell your parents as much as you want to tell them.

Some other things you can do to start regaining your sense of safety and comfort are things like buying a cheap motion sensor light and fitting it above your window. You can get cheap video cameras that can stream straight to your laptop / PC for storage, and if you want to be able to check it whenever if you pay a bit more you can buy a camera that you can view from your phone while away from home.

I use a hunters camera that has night vision, ,4k images and takes a photo anytime it detects movement or body heat. It uses batteries and a micro USB. 124gb is 9000 images.

Another is to take self defense courses. It will give you confidence back.

Lastly, have you tried sitting your parents down and having a serious discussion about how badly this has affected you? Could it hurt to try?

But start with the GP. That's the best start because they are much smarter than me 😉

I hope this helps in some way. I am definitely cheering for you from where I am.

[spaceboots]

Hi annawave,

Thanks for being brave enough to share your story. I am so sorry that this is happening to you, and I want you to know that it is NOT your fault. You didn't do anything or say anything that justifies your ex-boyfriend's bad behaviour.

I don't know if sharing my story can help, but I was also stalked and harassed by an abusive ex-boyfriend for three years after I left him. He harassed me by turning up at my workplace, threatened to "ruin my life", and constantly abused me through phone calls and emails for years. I did report him to authorities and filed a police report because I was terrified. I was also living at home, and didn't tell my parents about this because like yours, they do not believe in mental illness or therapy or anything of the sort.

Instead, I sought out a good GP to recommend a good psychologist. Sometimes it can take awhile to find a psychologist you feel comfortable talking to, so please keep that in mind too. I know you feel anxious and uncertain about what to say, but I think just speaking the truth and retelling of your experience is a good start. Please don't feel embarrassed to ask for help. It is never too late to take care of your mental, emotional and physical well-being. You deserve to feel peace and happiness in your life.

Good luck, I wish you all the courage in the world. You can do this. 🙂

[TimTams]

You should tell the person the contact is unwanted before going and making police reports. Also, if phone calls and emails are continuing for years change these details. It isn't hard to call a phone company and ask them to do this, mine did for free. And friends understand why you have changed details so it is really no big deal. In the age of #MeToo a lot of women are being sued for posting online and this is not really fair either given the truth of what abusers call is 'harassment'. I had my rapist take out a protection order against me for Facebook posts that I thought were private (I had him blocked and he accessed my account through his brother's profile). He complained of being harassed by email too (he was a FIFO worker and this communication was standard). Be careful in that people abuse the 'email/call' harassment claim too to get one up in the courts. I am not saying this is right but the opposite actually happened to me and 'Facebook posts' are not exactly death threats. Protection orders are heavily abused. But if there has been physical threats or contact, then yes sure.