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struggling with sexual assault

JIvy13
Community Member
I was sexually assaulted over a year ago. I thought I had come to terms with it and healed from it, but recently it's all I think about. Everyone tells me it's not my fault but I'm always asking myself if there's more I could have done instead of just freezing up and saying nothing. I keep wondering if I made it up or if it even happened and now I'm blaming myself,
6 Replies 6

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

hello and welcome.

 

I am sorry to hear what you had to go through. In hindsight it can be easy to "change" the narrative - as in, why  didn't I do ....? why did I freeze and say nothing?

 

But that freezing vs something else is the flight, free or fight response we each have in situations.

 

And the question might then be, what would have happened if I did something else? Of course, this is mere speculation because we cannot change what happened. At that moment in time, you did what you felt was right and overwhelmed with fear (?).

 

What would you tell your younger self about this?

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Jlvy13, I am so sorry that this happened and I'm not completely sure whether something like this can actually just disappear, because many incidents and actions will remind you of what you went through, it's just with over time it slowly dissipates, but that's certainly not easy for you to cope with.

Feeling frozen and not being able to say anything, would be a natural reaction, a complete surprise and you can't blame yourself for doing this because you were the victim and taken advantage of.

One year ago is really only a short time and thoughts are going to come back to you because in yourself it still needs to be handled and realise that you can't make this up, please contact 'griefline.org.au'.

Plese keep in touch with us.

Geoff.

Life Member.

Eagle Ray
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Dear Jlvy13

 


The feelings you are having are really common following sexual assault. The freezing is your body’s instinctive way of protecting you in that situation. I had the same feelings following assaults I experienced. I was in shock and started to think I must be a terrible, shameful person that such things happened to me. I also compartmentalised the experiences as if they never happened, which is how the mind copes. So when you describe feeling like you made it up that is also a really normal survival response. It’s hard to comprehend it was real and to process it.

 

 I don’t know whether you have received any counselling support, but it can help to talk it through with someone to process that you are in no way to blame for what happened to you. In relation to the second assault I experienced I did a somatic exercise with a therapist where I allowed survival impulses to fight off and escape the attacker to unfold. So in this exercise I escaped the freeze response and my body learned that it was safe (this was 11 years after the actual attack - I hadn’t even told anyone about this attack until I spoke with the therapist). It released a stressed, frozen holding pattern that was still in my body. But obviously this can be quite activating in itself and needs to be done in a safe way with an empathic, attuned therapist. An earlier assault I experienced I was able to just talk it through and really get that it wasn’t my fault.

 

I’ve got to a point now where I no longer feel shame or self-blame, so these feelings can leave your body and it sometimes just helps processing it with an attuned person who gets what you’ve been through and the impacts it has. You are completely normal for feeling the way you do following what happened to you and it is possible for these feelings to release and be let go of. The freeze response is a kind of bracing against danger and sometimes we’re still holding some of that in our body. Even just noticing that and then letting the bracing go can alleviate feelings of shame and self-blame and bring a feeling of relief and calmness in knowing that we are ok now. Shame and self-blame are forms of constriction in the body. When our body releases/expands it can let those emotions out too.

 

 I hope that helps and I’m sorry you had to go through that experience.

mmMekitty
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hello JIvy

In my own past, I 'froze', & detached from what was happening, then separated those memories as if into separate boxes, closed them up & kept on doing that. I understand this is one way many people protect themselves.

I would suggest, if you haven’t already, & if you feel ready, talk to your GP, who can help you find a therapist of some sort who has a deep understanding of such experiences & begin the conversation with them.

It took me a long time to get me to a therapist, where I finally began talking. There have been bumps along the way, which we learn how to deal with. Over all , I'd say it is worth the difficulties I've had to face up to & discuss with my psychiatrists over these years.

Oh, I said "it is worth ...". I'm still learning, "I am worth..." & so are you.

I affirm what others have said, here & in your life - You are not to blame. You did what you could in the moment. I've asked myself the same questions, especially about how long it took for me to put a stop to the abuse, & why I couldn't do something earlier.  

I've learned how I would answer these questions for myself. Talking with my current Psychiatrist has helped me the most with that.

It has also helped to understand how people naturally have the sort of responses they do when threatened or attacked, Often I hear the 'Flight/Fight' response. I would include 'Freeze' in that, although it is a kind of flight, which is to escape inside, as if to have nothing to do with what is going on. It's useful when to physically escape is not possible.

Remember, there was nothing you said or did, not what you wore, or where you were, which 'made' them do anything they did. They are responsible for their own actions. Therefore, you are not to blame, not at fault, not guilty of anything THEY did.

I appreciate & applaud you for speaking up here. As I have noticed, many people read, not responding, who may well be feeling what you feel, who may find their own courage from hearing from you. It is a wonderful thing you have done here.

I would suggest:

The National Sexual Assault, Family & Domestic Violence Counselling Line 

1800 737 732 (1800 RESPECt).

& also BB's own Counselling Service, 1300 224 636 who can help you more directly.

Hugzies?

mmMekitty

lozahhh
Community Member

Freezing up is a common and normal reaction regardless of your personality. wondering if you made it it up or asking your self / tricking your self into the mind set of 'i'm not a victim' is totes normal too. Blaming your self is so much easier than the truth. I struggled and still do with these thought processes. Your not alone. Lotta Love. <333

across_the_universe
Community Member

Hi Jlvy13,

I feel like I could have written this post. I have been really struggling with feeling as though it surely cant be real and somehow I made it all up because life is just going on around me, and the perpetrator has no consequences. Its hard to really internalize that you are not to blame at all. I really get that. And I also understand it can feel like people just dont understand how overwhelming and inescapable it can be.

Do you have some distractions that help? Anything that helps to shift your focus even for a few minutes?