Still affected by high school trauma

[Bec2014]

Hi everyone,

I have been seeing a psychologist for a year now and have finally made some progress in addressing my deep-set anxiety and depression. I wasn’t overtly bullied at school, but I wasn’t resilient enough to deal with constant horrible gossip and peers sneakily trying to bring me down, which resulted in me retreating into myself and really not having any self-confidence, which has stayed with me well into my thirties. Because there wasn’t any “overt” evidence of bullying I never classed it as such, but am learning to recognise that it actually comes in many forms.

This deep-set trauma isn’t helped by the fact that I still have a couple of close friends from school who, in turn, are close friends with people who made my high school life hell. I don’t see these other people often, but when I do in occasional group settings I am triggered by panic attacks and am really rendered incapable of being able to move on and enjoy myself. After those encounters I spend days ruminating and feeling awful about myself even though I am well aware that there isn’t anything I can do to change days gone by, only the days ahead.

Another such group event is on this weekend and - sure enough - the panic and embarrassment and depressive thoughts are back, and they are frustrating as all hell. I would love to seek the advice of others who are going/have gone through similar experiences. I like to think that one day I can move on from those awful high school days properly and I do feel really weak in that I haven’t been able to yet.

Thank you all!

[Doolhof]

Hi Bec,

Thanks for sharing your story with us. It can be hard when we allow memories and the words of others to have such a strong effect on us. Sometimes I believe a lot of this happens subconsciously, so we need to be aware of that.

It sounds like you are very aware of how these interactions make you feel. Before you attend the event, can you keep telling yourself that you matter, that you have every right to be there, that stuff from the past does not have to determine who you are now.

It is not your fault other people were unpleasant to you...that was their issue, not yours. They are the ones that had to be awful in order to feel better about themselves!

I hope you are able to walk into the gathering with your head held high, with a positive attitude that you are who you are and no one has a right to tell you how you should see yourself.

Recently I started a new job. I have received some negative and unkind comments. They do hurt. I understand that. I also realise I don't have to take those comments to heart. I need to remind myself of this.

Tonight I am attending the work's Christmas party. I have no ide if anyone will talk to me. That is okay. It is my choice to attend and I can try to talk to other people. No matter what I have a choice as to how I will feel about the evening.

Wishing you courage, strength and belief in yourself.

Cheers from Dools

[Bec2014]

Thank you so much for such a kind response! Completely agree - how people feel about us is not for us to take on, really. And with so many people in this world, it’s quite impossible to be liked by all! It just makes things hard when those sorts of people are in close proximity to us in our everyday lives, be it work or home or social.

Keep doing your thing at work, and I hope your Christmas party is an enjoyable one! You can definitely make as much conversation as you can and remember that you can always exit the situation any time if you’re feeling uncomfortable (but I do hope it’s a fun evening)!

thanks again!

[Doolhof]

Hi Bec,

I'm wondering if you attended the event you mentioned and am curious as to how you felt if you did go?

I walked in to the Christmas party not knowing really what I was doing there, only that I had been invited and if I didn't go I would never know what the evening might have been like.

I tried talking to a couple of people I recognised and they soon talked with other people. The anxious part of me thought I should just go home. I stayed instead and ended up enjoying my evening. The food was nice, I had some company, got to know some people better and was pleased I had intended.

At work, I had automatically made assumptions about various people. The thing is, I don't know them at all. I have no idea what they are thinking or what their experiences are in life. One of the ladies whom I thought was not very pleasant, I actually had quite a laugh with the other day!

We all have moments where we are not happy in life for some reason. At those times we can impact other people. Who knows why we humans act as we do!

Hope you manage to gain greater insight into who you are and how you maybe want to be different from people who put others down and bully them.

Cheers to you, from Dools

[Bec2014]

Thanks for the check-in!

It was actually alright - I took some time to find my own space whenever I needed it and I was far more resilient than I thought. You’re very right in saying we really don’t know what goes on the backgrounds of peoples’ lives. Projection is such a natural human reaction and we are all guilty of it at some point.

I just learn that whenever I feel overwhelmed I just move away and it actually motivates me to swallow my social anxiety a little and talk to other people, which is nice!

You should feel very proud for kicking on at the party when your anxiety tries to convince you it isn’t a good idea. I’m glad it was a pleasant evening and I really hope you’re finding yourself feeling more comfortable at work.

Take care!

[HealingMama]

Hi Bec,

I know that this is an old post of yours, but just wanted to let you know that I experienced something very similar to what you've described, and it still haunts me today. It gave me great comfort to read that I'm not the only person with a "nice life" that cannot seem to shake the long lasting effect a toxic high school culture left me. Unfortunately, I also experienced similar in a workplace situation, which left me thinking the problem was me. Working with others has helped me to logically realise it is not, because a handful of awful people in a lifetime of lovely is not a "pattern". But when you have consent doubts and deep fears about being rejected by friends and people generally disliking you it is extremely hard to not feel overwhelmed. I actually loved the lockdowns because it took away all social pressures and I felt free for a time.

But thankyou for sharing this. It really has helped me 🙂

[JimmiD]

Hi Bec and HealingMama

As a man I have grown up under the influence of 'toxic male culture'. Bullying has been rife throughout every aspect of my life. I've either been subject to it in numerous ways or witness to it. As a man who has seen the very hard side of life I have seen a great deal of violence and plenty of bullying. Despite my own experiences of bullying against me as a boy into puberty I also saw terrible bullying of others such as friends or always that kid who was different, hearing impaired or disabled in some way. I did become a rescuer and defender of the 'underdog'. I was also abused physically, psychologically, and and emotionally by both parents. I became a street kid. This all robbed me of a real childhood or adolescence. I saw the wild and rough side of life from a young age.

As a father of a daughter who is now thirty, I witnessed the terrible affects of schoolyard bullying on her, mainly by girls. Group life among the girls was extremely difficult for her. She had such an innocence and still has a wonderful and kind nature. Not being a follower made it very hard for her. The leader of any girl group quickly saw her as a target. Her school years were terrible. As a dad my heart would bleed for her.

She now travels the world and is a freelance journalist in a city in Mexico. She is tough and resilient but at her core, and not far from the surface is is that sweet, caring, compassionate side. These qualities help make her be the artist she is. She always stood up for herself, stood her ground, and fought back when necessary. One year an older male bullied her and she swiftly sorted him out with some well aimed kicks. She is of course not a violent person.

I became a psychologist and counselor working in many fields. I did a lot of work with young males at risk of crime. Some had become bullies in response to being bullied. Such young males would break down and cry when telling their stories. So sad.

I abhor any form of bulling. As a grown man I have been subjected to it in relationships. I have been the subject of bullying towards me by women. This has even been physical. Tho I am not a weak man and I am strong minded. A good heart and a caring, empathic nature can lead you into the clutches of those who want to take advantage of you. You have to become streetwise.

There are always scars. In time they heal over but they never disappear completely.

Staying true to your own good nature, loving yourself and those around you is vital.

[white knight]

Hi all,

I was bullied at school, chased home every afternoon. At 17yo I joined the Air Force and left my state.

After 3 years I joined a jail as a warder. I saw a lot of bullying of course and detested it, surprisingly more from officers than prisoners.

Then onto security and PI work in investigations.

So, I've been around violence all my life by found it deplorable. At 65yo I still have scars from school days largely faded now.

I agree with JimmiD to stay true to your own nature.

TonyWK

[JimmiD]

Hi WK

I relate to your story. I'm also ex Army. One thing I miss about Army life is the mateship. Incredibly at school, and you can probably relate to this, the really bad bullying came from teachers who were totally authoritarian and punitive. Physical punishment was dished out daily...especially to those like myself who rebelled!

[white knight]

Yep,

The leather strap or one yard ruler. Cruelty.

The mateship in the defence is unique. I left in 1976 at 20yo. 45 years and never had such mateship since. I have 2 mates still from the RAAF.

TonyWK