Sexual assault by a close friend

[Peter_W_]

I'm not sure whether what has happened to me qualifies as sexual assault, and I have no intentions of taking any  action regarding the incident, but I am just looking for some guidance on something that happened to me 2 days ago that has deeply upset me and I am struggling to process. 

I am a 61 year old hetrosexual male and have been happily married to my wife for over 30 years.  Two days ago, we spent the day and night with two very close male friends (they are gay) who have been very close friends for 28 years. 

We frequently socialise with them and have a few drinks with them and we have never had any inappropriate issues in all the time that we have known them.

However, the other night, when my wife and one of our friends went to bed, the other friend (lets call him Michael) made some very unwanted sexual advances towards me. I quickly made it clear that I was not interested, but I probably made the mistake of being being too nice about it and trying to make light of it and consoling him for his mistake. His partner came into the room as I was consoling him and he appeared to be mortified, but I'm not sure that he was (I may be reading too much into it, but I think he may also have been interested in joining in). anyway, after his partner went back to bed, Michael  continued to persist with his attempt to engage in sexual conduct with him. After trying to make it clear that I wasn't interested, and feeling extremely uncomfortable, I went to bed abruptly and me and my wife left in the middle of the night. To complicate this, we are also very close friends with Michael's brother and his family, so throughout all of this I was (and still am) very worried about the impact that this could have on those relationships. 

Since the incident, we have had some communications from Michael's partner  (whatsapp messages) that appear to be just behaving as if nothing has happened. I haven't responded to any of them, as I don't believe that I should just pretend it didn't happen.     

I am upset, disappointed and very unsure how I should deal with this going forward. Any advice would be gratefully received. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

I'm sorry to hear of this traumatic event. I certainly would be very hurt by it. 

I think the solution to this, is subjective, everyone would have their own views on how its dealt with. I personally could not maintain any friendship with that couple. It wouldn't matter if a male of female of any sexualising identity made such a move on me or my partner, my decision would be the same. Once that line is crossed it can't be reversed.

Losing friends you've had for so long would be hurtful but not everyone would cross such lines. 

I hope you're OK.

TonyWK 

[Peter_W_]

Thanks TonyWK. It is in my nature to forgive where possible, and my preference is still to attempt to do that, even though I realise that the  relationship will never be the same again. My motivation for doing that is to preserve our relationship with Michael's brother and his family. Michael's brother is elderly (over 80) and I don't want him to ever know about this as he would be distraught.

[white knight]

I understand.  

How do you feel now? 

TonyWK 

[Peter_W_]

Thanks TonyWK

I'm still trying to process it. My gut feel says that your advice is correct and that I should have the courage to follow it. If it wasn't for the complication of my close relationship with his brother and family, I now realise that I would. I am avoiding all communications with Michael until I process it further. Thanks for your support......

[mmMekitty]

Hello Peter_W

It was 'Michael's poor judgement which has caused this entire dilemma for you. Yes, it was a sexual assault. Being friends so long, is there any reasonfor him to have expected you'd be interested? I wouldn't have thought so.

As for forgiving him, that's up to you. Is there any sign of remorse from 'Michael', any apology since? Has he considered how he has made you feel?

I guess I'd be rather more angry about it, & how Michael's partner seems to be wanting to act as if nothing had occurred.

So, how do you maintain friendships with something like this being unacknowledged by 'Michael', his partner, & then, to smooth things over, you have to remain silent, too, when you didn't do anything wrong. ???

I don't know if 'Michael's brother needs to know.

From experience, it's not easy having so much which remains too difficult to talk about.

The more time goes by, the harder it gets.

& this is about respecting the boundaries of friendship, as well as the intimate relationships. If someone cannot do that, & would jeopardise their own relationship by making advances to you, then I think you have a right to be very vocal about it.

I would consider having a meeting with 'Michael' & his partner, you & your wife, (too, because she too is affected by his actions, as this can cause disquiet in your own relationship with her), would be difficult but important.

I'd only consider such a meeting if you are sure it wouldn't turn into an arguement, but which would allow you to discuss openly how you feel & what you want now. Why is it up to 'Michael' & his partner to ignore & go on as if nothing happened?

I fear, sweeping everything under the rug may lead to long-term problems with trust, at the very least.

I hope this helps.

mmMekitty

[indigo22]

Hi Peter_W_,

I'm sorry to hear what happened and how it has left you feeling. It was a betrayal of trust and if it only happened once and he was truly sorry for making a mistake, I am sure you could get past it, but you said he did the same thing twice in the same evening despite you making it known you were not interested. He has been extremely unfair to you, someone who is supposed to be his friend, to leave things up in the air and not attempt to discuss it. I can understand your disappointment, and I do think you should at least tell him how much his actions have disrupted your life and that he needs to take responsibility for his behaviour, not pretend it didn't happen. I know you are concerned about your other relationships with his family being damaged by this but it was not your doing. Friends (especially long term friends) should have your best interests at heart and treat you with respect. If you do have a face to face discussion with Michael, his partner and your wife, I would be having it in a public place where things cannot escalate out of control and where you feel safe. I have disconnected from friends that I felt no longer had my best interests at heart. It is not an easy thing to do but sometimes it is the one thing that allows you to get past the incident. The fact that you and your wife left in the middle of the night should have sent a clear message to Michael that what happened was definitely not ok. If he is not willing to take responsibility for his actions then I would be asking myself whether he is someone you still want in your life. You are not in an easy position so I hope you are able to settle this soon without too much drama.

Take care,

indigo22 

[Peter_W_]

Thanks mmMekitty

You make some very good points.

No - no communications from Michael or his partner regarding the incident - just silly Whatsapp messages trying to continue as if nothing happened. 

I agree - it can't be ignored - I just need to build up the courage to confront them with how I feel about it. i am dreading that, but I think, as you say, it needs to be done.

Thanks

[Peter_W_]

Thanks Indigo 22

You make some very good points regarding how true friends should have my best interest at heart. The more I process this, the more I am realising that if it wasn't for our close relationship with Michael's brother, we would not remain friends with Michael and his partner. 

I just need to build up the courage to confront them with how I feel about it all. I am dreading that, but I think, as you say, it needs to be done.

Thanks