12 months ago Rememberance Day a day I will remember for all the wrong reasons. A late night knock at the door A person in a police uniform standing there. Yes I let him in
What ensued was a violent nasty sexual assault.
Yes I reported it Yes I went through with the forensic examination And 12 months on I am a shell of who I was.
I have moved interstate I am a prisoner in my own home scared of people I don't know terrified of crowds.
And above all absolutely NO TRUST or FAITH in the police. I was made to feel it was my fault l blame myself they found my mental health meds in my bedside table and assumed I'd lost the plot.
It has cost me more than I could have ever anticipated I understand why women don't report it pull out throw their hands in the air walk away refusing to take the matter any further. I understand what it's like to be made to feel it was your fault, you asked for it I know what it feels like recounting your story to every bloody police that crosses your path afterwards doing a photo ID of the person seeing the likeness staring at you from a computer screen.
I know this and much more and I hate it, that one person could cause this to happen.
I hate myself for allowing it to happen for trusting a uniform we are taught to trust I hate the thought that one day I may need to call them for help that I will never ever make that call no matter what.
I hate that this I question my existence.
I hate my life I am not living I am existing going through the motions day after day. My nights are not peaceful slumber but screaming nightmares and flashbacks. I look in the mirror I see a broken shattered person I barely recognise who I dislike, whose stupidity in trusting has left her wondering why she continues each day who cries until there are no tears left and cries some more. Who has professional help but one step forward, three steps back makes her wonder why she bothers but if she doesn't it will get worse.
Who is living in absolute fear of next week the 11th day of the 11th month because the horror will be relived over and over, more so than it is every bloody day of my useless existence.
It sounds like you are in a very dark place. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I am sorry you are feeling so drained. It is so painful when you cannot see the light in anything. Are you seeing your psych in the next few days? Do you feel able to reach out to them to let them know how much you are hurting?
Thanks Sophie. I had a long chat with a lovely person and felt so much better for it.
Today I am off to see a psychiatrist for a full medication review. My doctor has pushed this through. I've been on the same meds for years im hoping that there maybe something hew to help me.
I got through the worst day but my nerves are shot, I haven't slept properly for days and have been getting up within a few hours of going to bed once I wake screaming snd shaking from the nightmares. Im crossing everything as this incident is now ruling my life. I hate what it has done to me. Hate him that he still has control over my life by his actions one year ago.
I'm crossing everything today in the hope that there is some help.
I hope you slept better last night, I have a pot of tea on. I prep the pot before I head to bed so I can sit and settle myself on bad nights. Somehow, after waking, finding the pot where I left it is reassuring.
Perhaps your own touchstones, anchor points of reassurance may help you.
