Self Loathing...

[Tonic]

Hi Gang. Saw a post here somewhere "I Hate Myself".

Made a few posts here... Bipolar (Depressive since 14, MAD since 2003), CSA Survivor (8/9-12-14) Peer Group Survivor Supporter and friend for 20 years.

SELF HATRED.

Knew THAT back in My Day. Despised/Disgusted with myself. "It's SH*TE Bein' ME! Ah'm the Lowest of the LOW!" - TRAINSPOTTING (Adapted)

I saw it all as Weakness too. Too WEAK to say NO to Predators (not yell "No WAY!!" and run a Km like a virtuous boy ought).

I was Pathalogically Shy as a kid too, and saw this as WEAKNESS too, Social COWARDICE, and Hated myself for THAT too...

My School Reports (Bombed in EVERYTHING But English and History) All said "NOT working to capacity/Potential" "Inattentive in class". Easily Distracted.

So I thought I was a LOSER and Weak Failure THERE too.

It ALL Builds UP, reasons NOT to be a ((((FRIEND)))) To Yourself. I wasn't for Decades.

Pretty Proud of what I do these days, Life has HOPE and PURPOSE, and using a Skill Set to Comfort Others.

Buddhist PSYCHOLOGY!! (Not Philosophy).

"Everyone's Problem is the Same, down Deep, we just don't SEE it for the Surface Squalls and Trials. It is living a Dissatisfied/Unfulfilled Life with No Hope or Purpose to it.

Found Mine.

Share it.

[Tonic]

I feel truly Sorry for Gens X.Y,Z & whatever - or those Parts of it who had Helicopter Parents or whatever, over cosseted/protected, shielded from EVERYTHING NASTY - who have NO DEFENCES against Adversity, who collapse in a heap at a Mean Tweet...

SO I grew Up as Self Hating and Miserable as the Leftist Folk of today seem to be. Miserable, GUILTY and Self Hating. But I had a Lot of REAL Reasons, Not a **** TON of BAD ADVICE.

But it was Still Stuff Fed Into me to make me feel Guilty back then, so just different gauge Ammo.

Even the NEWEST Survivors I have dealt with have more Psych DEFENCES than A LOAD of Younger folk these days... I try to Teach COPE.. 🙂

But I never Wanted to make the World as Miserble and ****ed Up as I WAS

[Tonic]

... and How to DEAL with them, if you haven't cracked this trick Yet...

"When Yo Wake up in the Mornin..."  The MIDNIGHT Special

...And the Weight of the Word comes crashing down on you, Load Existential DREAD... 😞

All the minor Worries PUMPED UP to Calamities, laying there dozey and Half Asleep, get you in a Negative SWIRLY...

BEST thing to do is GET UP right away. Make a cup of tea or coffee, Snack maybe, and DISTANCE yourself from the worries. Another form of Useful DISTRACTION!

It can be HARD to BREAK, and Get Up, *I* will lay there in turmoil for a while, Wanting it to STOP, but not wanting to Face The Day either.

"I don't wanna Face.. The Day... the Day... Today...

Long Night Leaves Me STRANDED

BLACK visions, DANGER Signs...

Cover My Head - Stayin' in Bed

Too Late the Luckless Warning.."  Face The DAY, The ANGELS (RIP Doc Neeson)

Self Inflicted Suffering, kind of, but maybe I/we Thing we Deserve THAT as well..

SAME MEASURES Apply for BAD DREAMS!

Turn on the light. Get UP. ALL the lights on. Have a tea, snack, DISTANCE yourself from the Nightmare. The Quicker you GET UP, the more of the Dream will fade away. If you Lay There half asleep, it will keep PLAYING over and over in your mind, just like the Depressive thoughts - LINKED to them I imagine.

Worth a TRY, works for MOST of my friends, Not just Me.

And we have Some LULU Nightmares, Back In Time.

HUGS

Tonic/D