Remembering childhood abuse.

[Anzee]

Me again 😉

Has anyone had very little to no memory of their childhood abuse/ trauma but had memories come back after treatment?

I only have memory of one pretty mild event, my sister told me she saw an event happen to me (also quite mild) but I remember a friend of mine was staying with me and asked me if the abuser did a certain thing, and I remember having this sick feeling in my stomach and told her yes but now I don’t remember any of it, nothing. I get a very sick feeling in my stomach if anyone touches me on certain parts of my body and I do not let anyone use certain methods when it comes to sex because I can’t handle the sick and anxious feelings that come with it and I’m wondering if that has anything to do with something happening to me or if it’s just a feeling I get. I know he did stuff to me which was enough to take him to court (I was about 12) and if he pleaded guilty to all of his charges he would have gone to jail but he said he would plead guilty to half if I dropped the rest so I settled for that. Now almost 20 years later I don’t remember what any of the other events that I had him charged over were and it makes me feel so crazy and question if anything else even happened?! Like surely I would have at least some memory of it? I’ve had flashbacks of other sexual trauma I’ve experienced in my teens and 20s but nothing more of him. Just flashes of his face and him playing games with us like chasey outside (we’re currently staying with my mum and she still lives in the house the abuse happened) so I have had flashbacks of him being at the house but no more of the abuse by him.

[smallwolf]

Hi. I cannot speak to the experience you speak of. What I do know is that certain triggers can set off something in my mind. For me it is words or phrases. For me the feeling is a little worse when you know where it comes from.

It could be a smell for others or in your case, a place?

I had an experience very recently when someone said something to me. And this time I knew where it came from. And a look of hate that other person's face. This is something I will bring up at my next session with psychologist.

Memories and events from the past can be repressed or hidden - sort of protection mechanism? Memory can also be a tricky thing and over time can be coloured by other events.

I don't really have any answer to your questions. I wish I did. Does this concern you?

[Anzee]

I went over 15 years without having a trigger well that I realised was a trigger anyways. I had a traumatic experience in April which involved a stay in icu and after I slowly started having triggers but I didn’t realise what they were until I had an obvious one after watching a criminal show about sexual abuse (I’d watched it plenty of times before without an issue) but after that first realisation as to what was going on over the next few months I started having triggers from so many things and constantly felt on edge and anxious. It definitely increased again when we moved to my mums but I also went on the waiting list for CASA around the same time and have since realised I had a negative experience with them in the past and now I am so scared to go again and the longer I’m on the waiting list, I feel like the more fear and angst I get.

there is a part of me that feels like if I could remember other events of the abuse I could accept and say ok this is what happened but I’m ok now. Whereas the event I remember and the one I know about I feel like they’re just not enough to affect me in the way it has so I am constantly questioning and trying to bring back memories of anything else so I can feel like it validates why I am feeling as bad as I do if that makes sense?! I just feel like I want to know for sure what did and didn’t happen so I can acknowledge it, accept it and move on whereas I feel like I’m stuck in this really confused state where I think surely there has to be more than those two events but also surely I would remember at least something if there was?!