Remembering abuse from 30 yrs ago

Bunjil · ‎19-06-2019

I have recently gone( am going through) an emotional time ..marriage break down . I sort the help from a psychologist and I have talked about a lot of things.

Then it came back to me I remembered what happened to me over 30 years ago. I was with a man and I asked him to stop but he didn't and I did nothing to stop him. This hit me hard and I had an emotional break down with my psychologist she helped me calm down and try to understand what happened.

I thought I had worked through it but I was at a training session for work and I had a flashback that I needed to go to bathroom to give myself space to calm down.

Now I'm scared I might be triggered again and not be able to deal with it.

Why after so much time ....

Soberlicious96 · ‎19-06-2019

Dear Bunjil,

I too had some significant traumas happen to me as a child, and I too did not really begin to process it all until my late 20's. You mentioned having a breakdown while seeing your psychologist, yeah? At least you are actually seeing a professional, which is what I would recommend if it were not already in place.

I also found some self help books to be beneficial; one in particular called 'Courage to Heal' written by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis.

Trauma is a funny/weird thing in that even if we don't remember details, it's like our bodies and the far recesses of our minds do remember. And being triggered can be an overwhelming experience. But there is one very important thing to remember, and that is that it is not actually happening here and now, all over again. Just remember to take a moment - and if that means going to the bathroom or a quiet spot, then that's okay - and just BREATHE. Slowly. In for 4 and out for 6. In for 4 and out for 6.

Keep talking with your psychologist, and keep reminding yourself that it's not happening here and now. It may be a very vivid memory and a vivid flashback, but that's all it is. Don't give it any more power than that; bring yourself back to the moment by naming what you can SEE here and now, what you can HEAR hear and now, what you can SMELL hear and now, and what you can TOUCH here and now.

And remember, Beyond Blue is here for as much or as little support as you would like. Take care. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. xo

Bunjil · ‎20-06-2019

Thanks soberliciois96

It definitely helps to be able to talk about these things with people that understand.

I have read the book calm ground and thought I was on too of things but I now know we can never be sure when we are triggered I will get the book you recommended.

Thanks

geoff · ‎21-06-2019

Hello Bunjil, and a warm welcome to the forums.

Having to go through a marriage breakdown at any time is by no means a pleasant feeling and yes I've been through it myself, and there are times when a situation that currently happens reminds you of what happened years ago, and again this also happens to me, so I know how you are felling.

I've read a little bit of the book 'Calm Ground' and what it says that 'our brains will interpret danger when there isn’t any in the present moment', and this can happen simply when you close your eyes or even having a shower or lying in bed trying to sleep, these are the negative thoughts we don't want to think of.

I'm sorry you had an emotional breakdown and there are times when we just can't explain why, especially if it's from 30 years ago but talking with a psychologist is so helpful and going to the bathroom is not your fault, you only need to recollect yourself.

It's easy for past memories to be ignited, it doesn't matter how long ago, there always a bruise left inside you, and if someone lights the fuse once again then it needs to be stopped or you have to walk away.

Situations like this need to be changed and how you do this needs to be build up the strength you've had once before.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Bunjil · ‎22-06-2019

Thanks Geoff

The more I share what happened with people I trust the more I feel that the memories and what he did have less power over me.

Its just hard when I'm hit from all sides with emotional turmoil.

I have post else where but my marriage broke down when my husband came out and told me he is transgender. And he hasn't told our kids yet ....this is still yet to come and when I'm feeling over whelmed it's easier for other memories to creep back in.

I am working hard to gain back my power and strength over all of this. And beyond blue is helping with just being able to talk to someone in a safe environment.

I only have 4 sessions left with my psych so am wanting to use them wisely .... I know I will need help after my X tells the kids ( the waiting is extremely over whelming ) he has said next month ....

Thanks

Sad_wife · ‎28-06-2019

Hi Bunjil

A similar thing happened to me many years ago. I had a suppressed memory. I had been seeing a psychologist for some time regarding my childhood and I was really getting on top of things. I had started a uni course and I never felt more comfortable in my own skin. Then I started getting flashbacks (like watching a very small part of a movie real). Eventually I got the whole picture. I was only 9 years old.

The thing I want to tell you here, is that with the right support (keep seeing your psychologist) dealing with the real issue can really contribute to healing over time. I think is like having a boil. It festers away under the skin but until it is broken open it doesn't start to heal. At first I couldn't get the words out of my mouth to talk about what had happened to me but now (years after the memory) I can talk about freely. I have come to realise it was not my fault and that I did nothing to contribute to it happening. I did a lot of healing once the memory surfaced so it's not all negative. Please look after yourself during this time and I will think about you.