Recovering from bad fights with partner/anger issues

[JazzJ88]

Hi there,
I've never posted on here before... I just wanted to ask for some perspective or advice... Ive been with my partner for nearly 3 years and he is a wonderful boyfriend. However, throughout our relationship we have had some very heated fights, and it has led to his anger getting worse and it resulted in him physically hurting me and saying very hurtful and spiteful things. He feels so bad about what he has done, and as I am someone who has made mistakes too and lived with mental health issues, I have compassion that nobody is perfect. He truly treats me so well outside of these moments. But I am struggling as I feel shame to share my story with anyone as people will so often tell me to just leave, like its all that simpe. But its not. I am having trouble moving through the emotions, trauma and pain this has all caused. I feel we both had to change our ways and learn to communicate better with one another which is why things have gotten better lately. I am afraid though that it would only take me slipping up to cause a bad fight and him to react with his hostile ways. He said he is willing to work on himself and wants to rid these parts of himself. We are both spiritual and open minded and I have hope for us, but i want to know what is the next best steps? Couples therapy? I have suggested individual therapy too. I do have trouble even talking to therapists about all this though as the stimga is so high on domestic violence (as it should be). I don't condone any violence. But i do have a big heart and want to grow with my partner but also never be scared of him again.

Thank you kindly

[Sophie_M]

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums Jazz,  

We understand it has taken a lot of strength to reach out to our community today so thank you for doing this. We're so sorry to hear your partner has physically harmed you. Please know that you are strong, valuable and you have a right to live free from abuse. We can hear that you care for your partner and want to try to make your relationship work. We would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/     

Their website (amongst others) also has a number of resources that might be beneficial to you:

• Healthy Relationships
• Types of Abuse
• Help & Advice for Women

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would also recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. They will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area.    

We hope that you can find some comfort in the forums and please feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey. 
 

[Croix]

Dear JazzJ88~

Sophie_M has given you the location of the experts, and they are excellent, experienced and practical.

Also you are right, friends may say just leave, however there are may reasons why this is difficult, and sadly for some impossible.

I guess I'll have to ask about your last line

"but also never be scared of him again."

OK, what realistically will let that happen?

Treating you well when things are fine and even being able to have a disagreement in a civilized manner is good too, however I rather suspect that some things cannot be undone, and physical violence is one of them. This can color the rest of the relationship

Even supposing he learns anger management perfectly (anger management is in fact hard to learn) and your fears are unjustified, they will till be there and you may act accordingly, without trust and the feeling of safety with one's partner everyone is entitled to.

It's a difficult decision, do I live with the possibility of being harmed, or do I leave?

There is NO stigma in being the recipient of violence, and I'd strongly urge both of you to seek medical advice.

Please say what you think

Croix