Questioning some things

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Those of you who know me know I have been bouncing from one rough life event to another for years, without really any time to take a breath in between. I can state well enough the things that have happened to me, but haven't had much energy to delve deeply into what those things have done to me. In the time off work since my partner had major surgery (yup, another fun crisis), I had time to start pulling at threads, to get a Mental Health Care Plan, see a psych and talk to a counsellor. As much as I always knew my life has been a steaming pile of crap, the threads I am pulling are connecting dots and giving rise to possible clarifications of events and what has arisen in their wake.

My childhood was severely neglectful. Mostly emotionally, but also in some physical ways. We kids didn't sleep in the (perfectly good) house, we slept in a caravan nearby - Mum cleaned up her and Dad's bedroom and the kitchen after the mouse plagues, but apparently our rooms weren't worth the effort. He carries on about her "unfit" parenting, but it's not like Dad did anything about it either. We were fed and clothed well enough. Never a lot of attention from either of them. I don't remember a single hug from either one during my childhood. Mum would immediately disinfect her hands if by some chance she came to touch one of us. Some years later, post parental divorce, Mum's settlement money ran out and we endured a brief stint without a home, a much longer (years) stint of inadequate food and no hot water.

I actually became pretty functional after moving out. Worked, studied, maintained a place on my own. Went through a couple of less than healthy relationships and endured with surprising resilience. Then came the last relationship. First two years, no major problems. Then bam, he's unfaithful. Enter ol' Blue's depression, that's the straw that breaks the camel's back. Damn fool remained in contact with him and we tried again at the relationship. To be fair, he didn't repeat that particular mistake. He tried hard to redeem himself and be a better partner. Until the ring was on the finger. Engagement in place, all effort fell away little by little. Dear gods did the neglect become overwhelmingly severe. I kind of got that there was a theme, but it's literally only now, years after breaking up with him, that I see why it was that straw that began my depression - just how closely what he did mirrored my parents' behaviour.

[ecomama]

Dear Blue

It's really hard to find the "up" sides of some situations but my all time fave question to the kids is "what do you when life gives you crap?" and I use another word there lol...their answer is "turn it into fertiliser" and you've done this.

It's NOT concerning that you have less to do (at home) with LM in hospital!
Thank goodness that happened!

You've had extra travel to see him. Hello!

LIVING in the positive side of challenging times is the purest example of staying positive.

I really feel we have no choice when it comes to depression.
It's either stay positive or risk losing any gains.

Bank - sorted I hope. It's up to them what they do about the ultimatum.
Done.

Oh believe it about that precedent. SHOCKING when I read it. Still is stupidly shocking NOW.
Anyhoo I had to have it locked down IN Court with demon having Legal Reps too... stupid demon chose a greedy lawyer too so a chosen finger to that one also!

omg the area I live in became a topic of conversation right in front of me at the Memorial on Sat... it was like "OMG have you seen the prices of places at ________ _______?" they're so lucky etc etc... then my friend T said Oh ecomama has a house there. Gee thanks.
Then I got bombarded by questions from strangers... I silently left to "do something" lol.

Phew.
Got alot of cleaning up to do.

One sunny day today.
I need another ONE at least on Sat please!

Son's leaving school party Sat night.
OUR PLACE NEEDS CLEANING up... top soil slid everywhere. ugh

lol. All good really.
Off for dinner now!

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Touché. Fertiliser it is. As much as I'm certainly not the most positive thinker in the world, I do try to get something useful out of any experience I'm saddled with. Accepting suffering without a fight or taking a lesson from it is wasteful, if you ask me, and a province of the weak. I can't always choose my circumstances, but I can sure as hell choose what I do with them.

He meant it was concerning that I am much more able to focus and achieve the things I set out to (whatever they may be) when he isn't here, and fairly consistently fail when he is. Honestly, there isn't that much less to do, and the things he normally does are on me now (plus the long drive to see him), so no - the balance hasn't shifted much on that score, only my ability to keep track and get things done. We've talked extensively on how and why that happens in our phone conversations, and I think have some strategies that might improve things when he gets home.

I guess when it comes to managing depression I take the stance that positive action is a lot more useful than positive thinking. I know what is good for me, and I do it. I can't force myself to be happy about it, or believe it will do any good. I have to get that from the evidence when the things I'm doing finally bear fruit. My sister always tells me to think positive and good things will come to me, but that only makes me angry. I've tried not expecting the worst, all it does is leave me unprepared for the worst. So I prepare, I work, and if the outcome is positive, that's great. If it isn't, I'm not flattened by it. It's grim, but it is all that has ever worked for me and I stand by it.

The bank... I'm still trying to push past the remaining hurdle. It may or may not work. I am still prepared to pull the plug if it isn't done with this week. I can be extremely patient if I think there is any gain to be had, but this will not drag on into another week. If they try it, I'm out.

I agree with the first point, and understand the second entirely.

Urgh. Inappropriate timing to come at you with trivial crap like that. Glad you were able to bow out of that conversation.

It does sound like you have some work ahead of you. Good luck! We actually had some rain here last night and today. Thankfully it only drizzled when I was on my walk. Maybe I brought the rain by finally watering my garden, haha.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Yeah you probably did! lol.

OMG a beautiful rainbow just came out. awww.

It's funny that you've disconnected positive thinking from positive actions... you literally can't have one without the other, even if it's just for THAT action.

You think "Oh a walk will do me good" and then you go for a walk.

The positive action cannot just appear with no thought.

Sure everyone's the same I would think, that unless they see proof of something working, they won't do it.

But there are those with more persistence and resilience and those with less.

And ppl may differ on what's important or a priority in their lives than others.

Being positive is closely linked with resilience.
Health.
AND long life too!
There's a growing body of research on that now.

I used to call myself an optimistic pessimist or a pessimistic optimist lol.
Last week I bought a sloppy joe that says OPTIMIST lol... I am, I'm sure of it now.
I have the jumper! lol.

Yet! I don't flop around in a ditsy fashion just thinking positive thoughts alone.
I'm a doer & get shyte done.

Sure, I also follow a trail of the consequences of "said" actions to find the pitfalls.
Then choose another path, when I can, with less pitfalls.

My Counsellor and I spoke of the solid link between anxiety and fear.
It's almost as if ppl would prefer to say they suffer from anxiety rather than ever say they're scared or fearful.
But they are.

I'm sure ALOT more ppl would be able to cure their anxiety by admitting they're scared & getting support for that. In this there's the uncomfortable feeling of vulnerability.
Courageous ppl KNOW they need to be vulnerable to go through what they're going to go through.

I was scared 24/7 at one point with it infecting my dreams too.
Sure sometimes I still might get scared because there's something to be scared of lol.
But anxiety?
I don't think I have it any more & I think it's BECAUSE I allayed fear.

So instead of the mousewheel rumination, thinking the worst & staying in that synaptic feedback loop, I CUT it out.

I'm still sensible! LOL!
I'm not a high risk taker, not for me anyway lol.

I must tell you about the lady at work one day, egads! THE most negative person I may have ever met. Gosh... it's like a bang or a bam almost every time we speak! lol.
She's "spiky" and repels ppl.
She asked me how I was today, I said "Happy happy". She said "I've got NOTHING to be happy about!"
I thought of her 2 adorable dogs.
That she has a job!
A HOME!

Oh boy.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hi Blue, hi Em,

Oh wow yes, visiting is EXHAUSTING! It's emotionally sapping, plus that environment...Sorry for anyone that has to be in hospital, or a nursing home, but those enclosed, airconditioned, run-to-a-routine environments are THE WORST! Not enough nature, everything to the clock...don't get me started!

Ok Sorry- my rant!

I didn't realise you were visiting LM- that sounds stupid I know, but of course. So glad you could be sensible and take some time off work. Supporting others is tiring.

And on that topic, I noticed that when everyone was at home during the floods, I got NOTHING done! It was like the days went by in a daze. I kept thinking i would retreat to my sewing room, or do a chore, but then it was time to eat, or another movie went on, or we spent all morning playing scrabble....I find it hard to work productively when others are around! So I can understand how hard it must be for you, around work, at home with your LM (lol I still think Lover Man!), who you actually like hanging out with, by the sounds.

I think i get your aversion to positive thoughts Blue. Let me try something out on you. Is it the kind of 'positive affirmations' that you hate, like, 'I will become rich and famous' and 'I am beautiful, talented and smart' Just a couple of corny ones to get you barfing lol....Anyway, I recently read this thing about how if the affirmation or statement you're making isn't fully aligned with what you believe, then it will actually have a negative effect. So it's really important to choose what we say to ourselves, from a place of self knowledge and honesty about what we believe, more than a superficial, what we want, kind of thing. Does that make sense?

I mean, ecomama's perfectly correct, positive actions spring from positive thoughts, and her eg was a good simple basic one. The whole blah around postitive thoughts and mantras etc are probably more BS tho.

i also know that sometimes, the thought, "I should go for a walk becos it would be good for me..." is really damaging. So when I say "I could go for a walk" I guess it opens up choices, and lets me have my freedom. I can think about it differently.I don't always go for the walk, and thats ok!

I'm sad that you're really finding it super tough atm Blue, and glad that you're choosing to look after yourself. Avoid the tinned spag every nite at all costs! You know this! But at the same time, maybe you can let yourself have some shortcuts.

Big squishy caring hugs!

J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ladies,

Keeping it brief, today, my energy is still in the junk heap. I'll address your last messages when I'm more up to it. For now I just want to give you guys a quick update so you know I'm something approximating okay.

Firstly, my partner is back home. He responded well to the meds and is back on a dose he can administer himself at home. Very glad he is back.

Secondly, the ultimatum to the bank worked. Mind you, it was the very last business hour of the week when they finally approved the refinance. Real cute. But it's done. Paperwork signed and just a couple of minor loose ends to tie up before settlement.

Thirdly, my specialist appointment for the fatigue has been brought forward, I see him next week. About bloody time. Fingers crossed I have some answers before too much longer.

Thanks for being around, both of you.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Gosh Blue!

Things are really happening there!

SO HAPPY LM is home.
Really relieved the meds worked!
YAY!

Wow tha bank hey.... gosh.
That puts a new spin on things for you, wow.
Great news.

YEAH! Great the appt has been moved forward!
Awesome.

Hope there are some solutions for you that make sense.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hi Blue,

So good LM is back home- you must be in exhausted bliss!

Sounds like the roadblocks are getting cleared, one by one. Good for you!

When I was studying, waay back in the days of my fashion design course in my 20's- a lifetime ago! I picked up a thing which I've held onto thru thick and thin- that more ppl make it thru sheer persistence, than from any sort of talent or ability. I wasn't particularly talented. Nor particularly persistent at pursuing a career as a fashion designer, as it turns out. But it comes back to me often, and helps me when I need to push thru.

Anyway, I admire your persistance Blues!

Cheers, and big hugs...

J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Yup, things are happening. Glad he is home, that the meds are doing what they need to. Still a way to go before he's out of trouble, but it's a good start.

Yeah, the bank. Honestly, as victories go, this one tastes like ash, to me. But it's done. A lesson in assertiveness, I guess. I'm generally pretty good with it, but there are clearly some areas in which I could stand to improve. Consider that one improved.

Only brought forward by a week. Whatever. I'll take it.

I hope so, too. At this stage I anticipate a lot of tests and coughing up a lot of money. Not expecting any medicare rebates for this. Ugh.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

It is good to have him home. Exhausted bliss didn't get to last long. He's had a barrage of appointments since he's been back, and various other obligations pulling at him. We've barely been home, and now I am he's out and this mountain of housework is left in my hands with no help yet again. Coming on a full month with no help now, between him being ill, going to hospital, now appointments everywhere. Not his fault, but so help me I'm drowning in this.

Yeah, I guess. It's all just a game of waiting. I don't feel much about the bank, except annoyance that there are more things I have to do now, before settlement, with little time or energy to tackle them. Worse that one is a simple thing my partner has to do, and that will be done last, with me reminding him constantly all the way, no doubt. I don't need that on top of my bit. As for my appointment, I'm supposed to fax the referral to them first. Think I know how to do that with a scanner and no fax machine? I don't have the energy to learn a new trick, the doctor's office usually do that bit. It's small and petty as tasks/roadblocks go, but feels insurmountable to me right now.

That's true in a lot of fields, I think. Talent only accounts for so much. As for life in general, the same is also true. When I've needed to deal with debt, or lose weight, or anything big and daunting, all my research and efforts have shown me steady, consistent, incremental change is what gets you there. Fad diets won't do it (or will destroy your organs and you put the weight straight back on anyway after), get rich quick schemes don't work (or in the rare instances they do... well, we've all seen stories of poor people winning the lottery and ending up losing it all and doing it even harder after). Put in the hard yards, shift that paradigm of thinking, and real, lasting results will come. So yeah, my resources are discipline and dogged persistence. They're slow and boring, but they work. Thank you for seeing and appreciating that in me, kind words like yours take the edge of how bloody boring it is!

Hugs to you too, J*. Seems today is a hug day, haha.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Gosh more appointments for LM? I guess this is part of the self-care he has to do?
I hope all goes well with them ALL and he does better than expected then.

The bank want MORE?
Gosh that's really bamboozling why they'd need more after everything you gave them already.

I listened to snippets of a radio program in anxiety on the way home today. Wish I could've heard the whole thing.. maybe it's on their streaming site or something IDK.

I loved it ofcourse, mainly because it reaffirms the latest research on dealing / healing anxiety.
Gratitude.
Empathy.
can't remember the last one lol...
Maybe it was self-care!
IDK lol.

I'm super glad you were VERY assertive with the bank.
They needed the big push.

I hope soon your financial situation is improved somewhat by you refinancing.

Bestest wishes with all the specialist's stuff.

Love EM