Questioning some things

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Those of you who know me know I have been bouncing from one rough life event to another for years, without really any time to take a breath in between. I can state well enough the things that have happened to me, but haven't had much energy to delve deeply into what those things have done to me. In the time off work since my partner had major surgery (yup, another fun crisis), I had time to start pulling at threads, to get a Mental Health Care Plan, see a psych and talk to a counsellor. As much as I always knew my life has been a steaming pile of crap, the threads I am pulling are connecting dots and giving rise to possible clarifications of events and what has arisen in their wake.

My childhood was severely neglectful. Mostly emotionally, but also in some physical ways. We kids didn't sleep in the (perfectly good) house, we slept in a caravan nearby - Mum cleaned up her and Dad's bedroom and the kitchen after the mouse plagues, but apparently our rooms weren't worth the effort. He carries on about her "unfit" parenting, but it's not like Dad did anything about it either. We were fed and clothed well enough. Never a lot of attention from either of them. I don't remember a single hug from either one during my childhood. Mum would immediately disinfect her hands if by some chance she came to touch one of us. Some years later, post parental divorce, Mum's settlement money ran out and we endured a brief stint without a home, a much longer (years) stint of inadequate food and no hot water.

I actually became pretty functional after moving out. Worked, studied, maintained a place on my own. Went through a couple of less than healthy relationships and endured with surprising resilience. Then came the last relationship. First two years, no major problems. Then bam, he's unfaithful. Enter ol' Blue's depression, that's the straw that breaks the camel's back. Damn fool remained in contact with him and we tried again at the relationship. To be fair, he didn't repeat that particular mistake. He tried hard to redeem himself and be a better partner. Until the ring was on the finger. Engagement in place, all effort fell away little by little. Dear gods did the neglect become overwhelmingly severe. I kind of got that there was a theme, but it's literally only now, years after breaking up with him, that I see why it was that straw that began my depression - just how closely what he did mirrored my parents' behaviour.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

Funny it's a Dr Leaf talking about roots and branches, haha. It does actually seem to be a useful technique, tracking the thoughts. I haven't specifically journalled about them, but the threads I'm following (or branches, for this analogy) are the very basis of this whole line of conversation. I'm big on self awareness, always try to be honest with myself about where I'm at and where it's from.

Thanks. Yeah, I had my reasons for staying. I don't rate them as good reasons from this end of events. Forgiving myself is a big ask, it's hard to get my head around. I'm definitely not my own best friend. Don't get me wrong, I'm no self-hater, but I also hold myself to high standards. You're not the first person to suggest treating myself as I would treat someone else in my shoes. Intellectually I can do it, emotionally, not so much. Just can't get the feelings to follow the logic, the little buggers do what they please.

The rebirthing exercise does have a bit of hippie essence to it, but that isn't a bad thing. I've heard about it before, though somehow didn't relate it to me or my situation at the time. Dunno how I'd go trying it, the whole concept is pretty alien to my experience. I've only ever thought of my past self in terms of "here's how to not *&^% this up".

Hm, can't say I relate to performing or wanting to be normal. Just the word "conform" makes me cringe, haha. It's given me something to tell people other than "I'm too tired to go out", though. I do find it tricky maintaining connections when I have such sparse social energy.

Don't worry, I'm mostly good with hugs these days, it's largely dependent on the person (I may still raise an eyebrow, haha). You have been kind and supportive, I'm good with hugs from you. 🙂

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Yeah, that's my main thread. It's huge, and a lot to follow if you've just come across it.

I think I'm better at writing than speaking my thoughts, too. Still, communication is a two way street - if you can string a sentence together the other person has to be willing to listen and ask for clarification if they don't get it. I don't think it's even political spin. I think people are genuinely oblivious to what isn't coming from inside their own heads. It's scary how unwilling they are to engage with actual people.

Glad you're doing okay with it now. And some learning came from it. Not a nice way to learn.

Completely agree. I guess I learnt to value people through knowing what it felt like not to be valued. Why would I invite someone into my life to treat them the way I'd been treated? That said, getting close enough to someone to value them significantly is another matter.

I definitely see better communication skills in younger people. It's a slow process, they're nowhere near where they need to be, but each generation is clearly better than the one before. Funny you should say that, my partner is you get than I am, definitely better at respect for women than people my own age.

Yes, Christmas was with family. Lunch with my siblings, dinner with my partner's extended family. It's a bit more quiet and chilled with my lot, we both found things a bit rowdy at dinner. It was good, though, just wish I could have slept for a week after, instead of working the next day.

Blue.

[Jstar49]

Hi Blue,

I'm glad you're ok with hugs from me. Thats nice.

your Christmas sounds lovely but busy, so I get why you wanted some time to recover. We used to have Christmas Day and then Boxing Day, and that always felt a bit too much. But better than turning up to someones place not very hungry and a bit over Christmas everything because we'd only just finished lunch. This year was no in-laws as they moved away, so much more relaxing. I'm still recovering tho!

What does your partner think of your family?

there is very few ppl that seem willing to really communicate. Which is sad for me as a communicator! But has also led me on a path of polishing my communication skills. Even to soundbites for the 'unwilling to listen'- my H gives me plenty of practice as he is very stubborn and won't accept my wisdom unless he thinks it comes from himself. Or another man lol.

Nice that your partner is younger- I think I read that right. Yep, mine is older and much more stuck and anti-feminist. It's been a work to get him to change. He still lokks put out when I have a good suggestion and he finally follows it and realises....LOL! At least we can laugh about it now. The older I get the more male chauvinism I see. I expect less tbh, but see more.

Haha lol leafs and braches LOL I din't see that one. Oh dear. too caught up in my own thoughts!

I had a good one last nite, I'll put it on my thread,

Cheers

J*

[Jstar49]

Feelings are funny things.

Sometimes I tend to treat them as their own experts, and follow the feeling, so to speak. It may be a more powerful indicator of the block to energy flowing than anything. The thing is to be accepting of your feelings I guess. And respect them, after all who you are is why you have survived as well as you have. Our coping mechanisms are really pretty clever, even if there comes a time when we need to recognise that they are no longer serving our purposes.

It sounds like you might be a bit emotionally shut down, which is totally understandable, given what you've told me. You are still you, a wonderful caring intelligent human being, capable of love and capable of receiving love, if I'm reading between the lines of your current r/ship correctly. Thats nothing to be sneezed at. 💚 (green is the colour of the heart chakra- more hippy sh...t lol ) It probably makes you very capable and practical. Am I anywhere near the mark?

It depends on what you want. Or maybe it's what you want to not be present in your life...? Such as the PTSD symptoms...?

Cheers,

J*

[Guest_4643]

Hi Blue's Clue's, I just came across your post. I started tearing up reading it, I'm so very sorry you went through all of that. I hope you're doing ok. You don't deserve any of that.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

🙂

Yep, it was busy. I'd normally not have more than one social thing in a week, never mind more than one in a day, so that's a lot of energy spent for this little introvert. Doing Boxing Day as well sounds a bit much to me. We actually had a nap at his dad's in between, before coming out for dinner. If I hadn't had work the next day I think I would have been fine. Glad you had a more chilled Christmas.

My partner likes my siblings. He hasn't actually met my parents though we've been together for years - one is a hermit, the other lives too far away. He's a little reserved with my bro and sis I think because they haven't spent a huge amount of time together, but he sees their caring natures and intelligence and appreciates them.

You mirror my own thoughts about communication. We've both spent a bit of time on polishing it, methinks. Sorry to hear your husband doesn't do so well with listening. I know how frustrating that is, even without the misogynistic aspect.

Yes, my partner more than a decade younger than me. Mum jokes that I'm a cougar. Who cares? I've been on the other side of the same age difference in a previous relationship, I like it on this side better. I think that chauvinistic attitude does just get worse the longer a man carries it, that really sucks.

Hehe, I do love some good wordplay.

Accepting feelings... Oh, I have so much to learn on that front. Not my greatest strength by any stretch. They do have something to tell us, though. Like a sore leg with no bruise may indicate a deeper injury, hurt feelings do the same. A lifetime of being taught it's not okay to feel, or getting hurt further if any vulnerability is displayed unfortunately does give one a blockage with trusting or allowing feelings to do their thing.

Yeah, I'm the first to admit I'm a bit shut down, emotionally. Working on it, with much help from my beautiful partner, but there's a long way to go. But you're right, I kick bottom at being capable and practical. 😉 All good with the hippie stuff, I appreciate different perspectives.

The (possible) PTSD symptoms have watered down over time, but I sure would like to be done with them. I would like strategies for dealing with them when they come up, mainly, and ways to constructively face the root causes. I'll be better in myself and in my relationship with a bit more in my toolbox for that.

Thanks for being around, J*, I value your input.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey Tayla,

Thanks for stopping in. Sorry my story is upsetting to you. I'm a tough piece of work, you needn't worry too much about that, mostly I'm trying to find answers and augment my strength through this thread. It is helping a lot to speak openly of some things I never really have, and to have some validation that what I went through isn't normal and my reactions to it are justified. That's probably what I've struggled with most. You're right, I didn't deserve it. It's nice to hear it from someone other than me, though, that bit of kindness goes a long way.

Kind thoughts to you, Tayla.

Blue.

[Guest_4643]

No your story didn't upset me Blues, I meant I was teary eyed in a sympathetic way, like I feel sorry for you. Sorry I didn't word that right.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue and a wave to J*, Tay Tay and anyone else reading...

Busy thread since our D&M Christmas morning lol! I THINK I'm caught up!

Gosh where to start.... I took note of you feeling averse to hippie things and inspirational quotes etc LOL!! Omg I think those are me manifested in human form hahaha ("ecomama"!).
I'll try to communicate in a more grounded way.

But when we're trying to put experiences and feelings and reactions to trauma at any age into WORDS then it is quite "lofty" in itself do you think?

Tracking back, I think your only question of me, albeit in convo... was "what's wrong with people?" in relation to cheating ppl.

Btw my BF doesn't like me describing myself as a hippie LOL! Bec he thinks that signifies a "free-loving" person. But I call myself a tree hugging hippie and tbh 2 of my psych friends are hippies too. One has exited my life (I think she also had "relations" with demon - how distasteful blerghhh and perhaps she's suffering the same sexual health issues as it and so we move on lol). The other I'm related to being Alexa.

2 other significant friends who are psychs working in the industry.

Ok just had to let you know for the back story a bit.
Sorry that Conference about abuse / neglect in children and trajectories was years ago, so IF I still have notes on that, it may take me a while to find them. TBA lol.
Their research HAS to be skewed but whatever. ALL research can be.

demon threw out any book I was learning from so I don't know the titles of some, sorry.

BUT there's a wealth of info online about Childhood schemas. Formed by 3yo and solidified by 7-8yo they say.
SO MANY of our reactions to things as adults are because a childhood schema was triggered.

I did a Schema checklist and scored both myself and demon at the time.
OH YEAH they turned out to be SPOT ON with what was being triggered.

"Know Thyself" is very important.
Knowing our closest ppl is less important but I find that if they caused harm or trauma then understanding their psychological make up and just categorising them myself is SO HELPFUL to me.
I thought demon was a Narc but had other tendencies. UNTIL Police did a checklist with me and they scaled him as a psychopath.
So it's a narcissistic psychopath = extremely dangerous. (Ya think? YAH!)
I digress...

Just remember that when I'm describing "cheaters" it's from a mix of research lol, psych sites and my own experiences.

I'll be back, driving kids all over.

EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

Re: cheating. I have my OWN confirmed theories about why but they're works in progress lol.. & would offend so many ppl bec they're about the cheater's childhood.
I was forearmed with knowledge about the 8 things cheaters DO before I joined Chump Nation & read up on Chumplady. She always refers to them, she's BRILLIANT.

Chump Nation was like my spiritual home, I ALWAYS felt understood there & always saw my reactions played out (not to mention demon etc).

Stephen Covey says in his AWESOME book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" & other online clips.... basically there are 2 types of people:
1. Personality based (or completely UNbased since they have no or little foundation), &
2. Character based. Not as in Disney lol but in character traits like empathy, fidelity, trustworthiness, honesty, truthfulness etc etc etc!

Covey does a better job lol.

1s need SO MUCH attention all the time. It's like an empty void they can't fill & seek all sorts of everything in attempts to fill it. They can't, hence the mousewheel & wash / rinse / repeat of their lives.
Unrepentant cheaters (lol I laugh at anything remotely religious now with you!!), let's say unremorseful cheaters have zero character IMHO.

They don't have the capacity to feel guilt, never remorse, nor do they EVER accept responsibility for their actions or themselves IME either lol.

Blue it wasn't that YOU weren't special.... it's that NO ONE ELSE ON EARTH is "special" to them except for themselves. NOT even the affair partner. No one.
Clearly you're AMAZING so if anyone's blind to that then too bad too sad really.

This is ALL ABOUT THEM.

Never about you.

This can buoy you if you see it that way!
You most definitely dodged a bullet NOT marrying that one.

You'll see cheaters blame shifting their actions on to their spouse.
LOL! omg how pathetic & juvenile (we might be mammals but I use my frontal lobe lol!).
You'd LOVE to hear what I SAID to demon mil when she did that to me... I gave it ALL back.

Then there's smoke screening, rug sweeping, future faking the list goes on with ALL these things WE would never do.

Because we have CHARACTER. We are 2s.

2s like us have standards, codes of Ethics, morals etc that play out in our lives BECAUSE we have character. Being faithful is one of them.

As far as I'm concerned the 1s can go eat themselves.

A sturdy 2 is what we seek in a partner IF we are a 2 also.

Blue, the actions of that ex was nothing to do with you.
Nothing.

Love EM