PTSD ....

[Josh83]

So I've started seeing a psyc to help me with somethings which turned out what all around my PTSD. My wife recently left me because of this which turned out to be a good thing because now I'm getting help. 

 but seriously this last week has been shit  the constant crying and i cannot control it  trying not to break down now and the dam train  

I'm thinking of getting some medication to help me with it but I'm just not sure

ky background is I've been a cop for 9 years both country and metro service  still in the job and love it  but I just need to sort my shit out  

feel like I have no control on my life at the moment  

[Starwolf]

Hi Josh,

Well done for seeing a therapist to help investigate your stressful head space. Yours is an occupation which puts you regularly in contact with the worst humankind (?) has to offer. The war on crime can inflict serious wounds. Society owes you a debt of gratitude.

Past traumas leave deep scars on our psyche. Often, professional help is necessary to help us confront and evict the ghosts of our past which are haunting our present life. This confrontation is always painful at first as it brings back all sorts of negative feelings. This usually causes floods of tears and a lot of additional stress. It is the reason why many give up at an early stage. (Letting stirred mud settle back at the bottom can be tempting!). However, this is a normal, necessary phase. It will pass, perseverance will reap its rewards. You will not regret this courageous first step.

I perceive a lot of strength in you. In spite of the loneliness and heartbreak caused by marriage breakdown, you still manage to acknowledge the silver lining at the edges of the proverbial cloud.  Hang in there. You will regain control. Step by step.

Navigating your way around these forums, you will realize that you are far from alone.  Here at BB, understanding and support are available....and you are in full control of how to use this safe space.

So welcome on board and a cyber hug (if you will allow it).

[Ladyhawke]

Hi Josh,

​Welcome to 'beyondblue' - an organisation which has had a very positive impact on me and for which I'm very grateful.  You are part of a very supportive and caring community whose only concern is for the welfare of others.

I'm so very sorry that you're in a state of such distress. Your job is a tough one; you are one of the wider community's heroes and I believe I speak for many others when I say, "Thank you".

I think it's excellent that you're seeing a therapist; it makes an enormous difference to unload your feelings onto a professional.

I also think it's great that you can give credit to your wife's actions for spurring you on to seek help. That's such a positive way of looking at the situation and will be so much more beneficial to the both of you rather than viewing it in a negative way.

You've just begun to see a therapist so the emotions and feelings that therapy draws out are still raw and unprocessed, particularly if you have been trying to cope with the situation alone. When these feelings begin to surface it can be quite overwhelming.

I have been seeing a psychiatrist for 14 years for major depressive and anxiety disorders and he has always encouraged any emotional outpourings, especially crying; I have been assured it does have a therapeutic benefit.

You are quite positive about what has come from your wife leaving, which is excellent. However, on some level, that would be enormously stressful and only add to your emotional overload.

I think it would be very wise to speak to your therapist about which medications may help you. When used correctly and for the right reasons, medication can be a godsend.

I perfectly understand you not wanting to break down in public. I would do anything I could to distract my thoughts, particularly when travelling on the train. Can you listen to music, the radio, talking books, download some comedies that you enjoy? Anything to stop you sitting with your thoughts until the train trip is over.

"Shit" can sometimes take a while to sort out but if you stick with it, bit by bit things start to come together.  I'm still sorting mine out 20 years after deciding to seek professional help.

I think speaking to your therapist about appropriate meds, even if it's just in the early stages of therapy, may be very helpful and perhaps stabilise you a bit.

Please keep in contact; I'd be really interested to know how your therapy progresses. I usually log onto the forums every 2/3 days

Please take care.

lh.

[Josh83]

Hey guys

thanks so much for your kind words  it made me break down but that's ok honestly  

well after the train ride which I pretty much cried most of the way home, it got a fair bit worse for me  knowing that I am loosing control is tough for me  I'm normally not this emotional but it's obvious because my bucket has over flowed big time  

 I went to the docotor and luckily for me my ex wife came to support me  lucky she was there as I broke down and she did all the talking for me  

 then the car ride home after I got my script filled  was probably my biggest break down I've had  well maybe the second biggest  I think it was a lot of things but also I never wanted medication as I felt I could deal with it in a better way without  

 but I've got the medication which I only want for the short term  I've had a relaxing bath and feeling much better  going to take myself on a nice walk shortly after I have some dinner  

back to work on Thursday, the doctor offered for me to have time off  but I enjoy my job but more importantly the people I work with are fantastic support for me  

 thanks again for your kinds words  I like this forum already 🙂

[Ladyhawke]

Dear Josh,

​I'm very glad that you're ex-wife recognises your pain and is able to help you to such an extent. That's incredibly supportive of her; I'm sure you would do the same for her if the situations were reversed.

I understand your reluctance about taking medication. I had a huge problem when I was first prescribed anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication; I felt ashamed and weak that I could not ride out the tough times without chemical assistance. However, after the meds began to have a positive effect on me, I began to think differently. I still felt as though I should handle things without meds, but at the same time I did recognise they were a very important component of me staying well. My view of my meds, after all these years is, if it prevents me from going down the rabbit hole, I'll take whatever keeps me going. I no longer have the same issues with meds and I no longer treat them as my dirty little secret.

Yes, look at the medication as a short term help. I found when they began to work, I could speak to my psychiatrist without bursting into tears every time I mentioned a sensitive issue.

Very glad you're feeling a bit better; it's important to be kind to yourself when your dealing with such a difficult (but not impossible) situation.

You're fortunate to enjoy your job and it sounds like you have some really supportive mates - that's really great.

Best wishes for your return to work on Thursday and the next few days.Don't hesitate if you need to make contact or even if you just want to unload how you're feeling - that's the purpose of these forums. Let me know how things go for you - I'm interested and concerned about your progress.

Kind regards

ladyhawke

[Josh83]

Ok

so what a terrible nights sleep last night  tossing and turning looking at the ceiling

but in saying that it was a very emotional day yesterday and I think it's all just adjusting as I've hidden away the effects some jobs have on me  so now being emotional is a big change for me. But a good change and a much needed one. It amazing to see who your true friends are.

so this morning I went for a nice hour walk and came home and took my first tablet this morning. Feeling anxious at the moment but tear free haha.

you guys are

grest support already and the road is long but so worth it

[Neil_1]

Hi there Josh

I’m a bit late along the passage here, but still would like to welcome you to Beyond Blue.

After reading all through, and how you said it seemed like your bucket overflowed – I can understand this.  I am not in your profession, but just with things that have happened to me at different times, inside I feel like I have a coiled spring which gets tighter and tighter – and it’s constantly seeking some kind of release.

This can take ages, but when it bursts, oh boy, is that one large outpouring of emotion – generally a mixture of grief and sadness.  But for me it does take a while before I get to this stage.

This could have been something similar for you – and then you just got to the tipping point.

You’ve been doing some really positive things, in seeking out professional help and even coming here is a good foot forward.  You’ve received some really awesome responses which helps massively for each of us – but to also just be here and type it down – that can be therapeutic in a fashion also.

It’s good that you’ve got your meds sorted – but remember, that they are not a cure all kind of thing.  They are just one mechanism that needs to be set in place, to assist with your road to, if not recovery, but to at least smoother trails in the future.

Keep posting as often as you wish.

Neil

[Starwolf]

So good to know you are weathering the storm...

Culture compels us to keep our emotions in check and under wraps. But keeping them hidden doesn't make them go away, they just keep gnawing at us undercover. It is the "pressure cooker effect" at work. The slightest opening will let out a lot of steam. If things keep building up without outlet, the whole thing will explode and make a terrible mess. So the letting out of pressure you are experiencing now is a good thing...although it doesn't feel this way at the moment.

I  understand your reluctance re medication. The truth is, there are times when a bit of a prop is needed to see us through particularly rough stretches of the journey. It doesn't mean we must become dependent on it.

Walking -particularly off the beaten path- is a terrific way to clear mental and emotional pollution accumulated throughout the day.

And yes, knowing who your friends are is a precious advantage. Having you ex wife's and colleagues' support is awesome.

Hang in there Josh, you're definitely on the right track. As Neil points out, a lot of positive things have already happened because you found the courage to make them happen. I hope today brings more of those.

I also hope you will keep posting here to let us know how you're traveling.

[Ladyhawke]

Dear Josh,

​Wishing you a peaceful slumber and hopefully tomorrow may be a tiny bit easier.

ladyhawke

[Josh83]

Hello you bunch of legends. 

 well the tears have stopped, two days of being tear free haha  but the anxiety in my belly and feeling of wanting to vomit has replaced it  

 had my appointment today with my psychologist and while it went well in parts in not a task I enjoy talking about the jobs I've been to  and talking about the job that set me off nearly four years ago  

then my ex wife thought she'd be nice and come and see me after my appointment was I wasn't alone which I found really sweet  but because I was distant she didn't like that and well the visit didn't go as nicely and I would have hoped  also the fact that she cannot seem to understand that issues I'm having and the fact that I'm now getting help  . It makes me bloody sad to hear her say that the damage was done and we would never be a family again  even when I explain how now I'm getting help. She says its like a death to her and she has moved on.

 bit crap when I've been hiding my emotions for so long and now getting help. I'll just focus on being a better person for me, my girls and whoever the next lucky lady is