PTSD, gaslighting and what is abuse?

[Kapable]

Hi, this is my first post ever on a forum. I was diagnosed with PTSD dissociative disorder with symptoms of depression and anxiety approximately 7 years ago (age 58) as a result of a childhood of emotional and psychological trauma as a result of my mother and sisters.

My partner of 15 years has in one way been very supportive. or does he use my mental health against me. If I get angry, which we all do, he tries to tell me and others "its my PTSD". I know and tell him there is a difference. He tracks me on my phone " incase you have an episode". Hmm they seem to occur mostly with him or when my stepdaughter. Not my imagination here... my son and friends have observed their behaviours towards me.

Recently, we moved house 17 December. I had asked him to leave the move until after Christmas so we could spend a week with family which has been hard with COVID. "No he couldn't afford that leave". So 2 days after our stuff arrived we had my son, stepdaughter, her partner a 5 year old and 7 year granddaughter here for an early Christmas on 20 Dec. I asked him to leave all excess boxes until after everyone went home. We had bedrooms, kitchen and lounge room all set up. He insisted everything needed to be unpacked... a wall to wall garage of boxes. I begged him this was way too stressful for me... know when I am walking a fine line. His daughter smiled and said she didn't mind helping her dad. My son and I went out... he knew it was too much for me. Arrived home 3 hours later to tables laid out with all the excess kitchen items left for me to sort. Within 2 days I had a massive episode. Not sure if anxiety, PTSD or what. Yelled and screamed and hurled abusat him fighting to get my message across. This was as you can imagine damaged our relationship as I hurled all my negative thoughts ( I think the emotions and thoughts about my mother) at him. great for family!

We are slowly getting it together. In discussion I said we could have avoided this extreme pain if he had listened to me and considered my way of handling the move. Said this to his daughter as well. Both responded " well you would have got unwell anyway!" and " what about dad's mental health?" (true). This is how it always goes they so how do they know I would always get unwell? Is this abuse? Would they do something to someone if they knew it would cause extreme physical injury? Could they be gaslighting to control someone they perceive or want to believe is "weaker" then them? How can I know?

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi again

I just want to say that this was fantastic to read. You sound like you have strategies, and you're clear about the direction you want to go to get back on track. I'm so pleased for you 🙂

Wishing good things for you. Katy

[therising]

Hi Kapable

As I say, you are definitely a powerful person, gradually coming into more of your power by the sound of it.

I find wonder to be kind of like a superpower. Sounds intense but wonder has changed my life in significant ways. Give you an example

• I used to wonder why my husband was never all that enthusiastic about us going away on the occasional romantic weekend. I accept the fact he's more of a home body and doesn't feel the need to go out but I used to be so hard on myself about it all. 'Aren't I worth taking out or romancing? What's wrong with me?' Then I began wondering...'What's wrong with him; why doesn't he seek difference, adventure, new expressions of love and bonding, the evolution of the relationship?' My list went on. Through all my wonder, I reached the conclusion 'I'm a great person who's pretty much always vibing at home with him because that's what he wants to do'. This epiphany was a self esteem booster. I actually went on to wonder out loud at him about why he doesn't want to invest more in the relationship. His response, 'That's just who I am, that's just me'. My response, 'No, that's who you think you are'.

I imagine you've had plenty of those moments in life where you think your this person or that person only to find out you're wrong. You could say you're the sort of person who's too scared to vent in any major way toward someone that intimidates you somewhat and then BAMM, you find yourself in some full on vent without an ounce of fear because pure intolerance is fueling you. There you go, you're not the person you thought you were. Deep down, you're actually fearless when you need to be. You may actually find yourself saying 'Wow, I had no idea I was this person! I'm feeling pretty pumped. I'll feel even better when my nervous system calms down' 🙂

Wonder, adding ventures (adventuring), seeking excitement/difference, being amazed by simple things and facing challenges fearlessly are typically the traits we possessed as kids. Kids are super natural little people, until their supernatural abilities are slowing conditioned out of them. Returning (turning again) to who we naturally are is one of life's greater challenges, for sure.

Good luck on your adventure (that job), have fun diving into wonder, seek difference as often as you feel inspired to, stop and smell the roses on occasion and always remember that the rise to courage can feel like the rise to fear. What thoughts we attach to a feeling can make a difference.

🙂