Narcissistic Parent

[Guest2583]

Hi,

I've grown up with (who I think) is likely a narcissistic mother (my parents split when I was very young so I've lived primarily with her) and lately I just don't know how much more I can take. I've always struggled a lot with low self-esteem and confidence because of her comments constantly putting me down (except I always thought it was me not her), but this year, during my Grade 12, anxiety and depression took a huge toll on my life and my Mum refused to believe it was a genuine issue and kicked my older sister out of the house when she tried to explain the urgency of my situation to her. I'm now thankfully coming on the other side of my mental health challenges, but still living under the same roof as her is making me start to question my sanity and feel almost like I'm trapped in a prison - I hate being here. Ever since she told my sister to leave, she has lost touch of any sort of boundaries with me (goes through my room, messages my friends without asking me, takes complete control). She's been trying to control my school-life, relationships, future and I just feel like a puppet on a string.

When I ask her to give me space, she thrives off the fighting and says comments like "it's my house I can do what I want" "Who are you anymore? Why are you so cruel to me?" or "You're a cop-out, you will never achieve anything in life if you treat people like this". I'm already in a really emotionally vulnerable place, so when she says stuff like this to me it makes me really question whether what she's saying is actually right and if I've been wrong all along - No matter how hard I've tried my whole life, I've never got her acceptance and I don't know why I keep trying - It's a continuous cycle of disappointment, hurt then trying to leave her and live with my Dad, only to be reeled back in with showering of gifts and obligations.

So I guess I'm asking if anyone else has been in a similar situation with their parents and what the best action is to do? Is it worth me trying to fix the relationship and be honest with how I feel or should I just leave? Any advice would be very much appreciated.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Guest2583,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and well done for reaching out.

I must say that on reading your post, it reminded me of when I had a boss whom I too thought was quite narcissistic, in that she would put me down in front of customers, never sign off on my training tasks, saying that she thought I would "never remember it anyway" and that I was the "Special One" (which meant for the first year I never actually got anywhere further than a 'beginner' even though I had been there for two years) ..... even calling me nasty insulting names right in front of and to the face of the customers I was serving at the time. She was so horrible to me, and it wasn't long before I began looking for other work ..... but thankfully she left and I now have a new boss who is amazing!

Also, when you said that you get "reeled back in with showering of gifts and obligations" reminded me also of a violent boyfriend I had many years ago. He would treat me horribly, with violent and abusive outbursts and then come crawling back a few days later with flowers and apologies and promises of "I'll be better from now on, I promise, I won't do it again" and I kept believing him, wanting it to be true ..... and then he'd do it again. I think I moved out about 4 times or so before I finally left and stayed away.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that while you may not be able to do anything about changing your Mum or her behavior, you can do something about and/or for yourself. Perhaps moving out is the best option? After all, you cannot reason with someone who is unreasonable. And the only way to break the cycle of repeating pain, is to accept the reality as it is, not how you want it to be. Tough call, I know, but sometimes tough situations need tough solutions. Plus, a relationship cannot be fixed unless both people acknowledge that there is a problem, and both people want to work toward a solution.

Whatever you decide to do; stay or go, just make sure that whatever you are doing is right for you .... and not a repeat of past efforts. After all, it's been said that insanity is to continue to do the same thing and expect a different result. Maybe now is the time to do something different? Only you can know what will really help to change the situation you are in.

Anyway, I hope that helps at least a little. In the meantime, we're here for you and with you for as much as you like. Take care. I'll be thinking of you. xo

[Guest2583]

Hi Soberlicious96,

Thank you so much for your response - that was exactly what I needed to hear and it's really good to know that someone else has experienced a similar situation. You're exactly right - I need to do what's best for me instead of focusing so much on changing her behaviour (which is impossible for me to do). And when I think about what will help me, it is definitely moving out. That's also so true about both people needing to acknowledge there's a problem and work towards a solution - I think if I mentioned there was a problem to her, she would immediately get defensive and say I was the only one with a problem.

As well as your response helping make my decision, tonight my Mum confirmed my decision when we got in an argument (probably the worst yet) and when I asked her to get out of my room, she said "Why do you suddenly hate me? Your mind is so f***ed up" - I think that is the last straw for me. I'm definitely not ready to have a repeat of previous events and I don't think I can live with someone who has such little sensitivity.

Thank you again 🙂 xx

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Guest2583,

You're welcome. That's what we are here for. Please feel free to keep posting along the way. You don't need to go it alone.

Glad I could help out. Xo

[paddyanne]

Hi Guest2583. Growing up with abuse from either parents or siblings is tough. It sounds as though your mother has extremely low self esteem and wants to bring you down to where she feels in control. Narcs need to be in control and will do anything to maintain that. Nothing you can say or do will change her actions. My mother was similar. Unfortunately for you, leaving her is your best move. Have you googled the narcissist traits to understand how destructive a narc can be. White Knight has some experience in this field as his mother has many of the traits. Trying to be honest will create more disharmony as she won't listen and will possibly abuse you further. If you can leave and move in with your dad or a trusted relation/friend, don't hesitate. Narcs will lie and cheat to stay on top. If you do decided to leave, I would be extremely hesitant in telling her where you intend going, unless your dad is fully aware of her continued abuse. You may have to accept that you might never have a relationship with her. I hope this has helped you decide.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

As Paddyanne eluded, I've had similar issues with my mother.

There is a bright side, you've come to realise early in your life. I was 53yo when I found out that her behaviour was narcissistic. I split from her and havent seen her for 10 years and wont ever.

Initially a friend told me to read this site

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61982.0

Now, my problem was that my mother is in denial. As Soberlicious said, "you can't reason with someone unreasonable".

This means although people are mentally ill, they dont deserve our tolerance as they turn their back on a diagnosis, very common.

So we have to guess what they have and seek our own lives away from them.

I hope you find the courage to move out and realise there is zilch wrong with you. In fact you are very brave posting.

TonyWK.

[Buggywug]

It's not your job to fix your Mum; ( perhaps you are like I once was, I used to think HAD to cure my father of his drunken, abusive narcissism, because obviously I was the cause of it!! ) the main task for you right now is to get through Year 12. You need some peace of mind, so it's probably best to move in with your father. I know all about living in a cycle of endless disappointment, and the sad truth is, some people are just not amenable to changing, as they don't see anything wrong with themselves- only with everyone else! The showering of gifts etc is, as you realise, an act of reeling you in, i.e. CONTROL- and then the cycle recommences. You don't need these head games on top of your studies. Is there a counsellor at your school who may be able to advise? Is your dad willing to have you living with him? If so, then move. Year 12 finals are looming and you'll need to focus intently on passing them, being able to study and prepare in an atmosphere that isn't hurtful and critical. Once the finals are over and you can begin planning your future career, then maybe you can start encouraging your mum to seek help, but it sounds like a long-entrenched personality trait with her, so I wish you all the very best.

[Louiseb]

At age 61 i have only recently read about narcissism.

As the scapegoat of the family i have endured physical, mental and emotional abuses, self harmed in early primary school and attempted suicide as a young teen. I have suffered with ptsd-like symptoms for many years and underachieved because of that and my feelings of low self worth. I did marry and have children and i am now divorced. I tried to be supportive of my ageing narcissistic parent for over a decade, but was unceremoniously dumped in favour of the golden boy when he hit retirement from the workforce.

That hit me like a tidal wave. I feel utterly violated because in spite of our family situation i believed in being the bigger guy and living according to my own belief system of love, trust, support, unity, fairness. I tried really hard, and sacrificed much and achieved much but the more i did and gave, the more difficult and treacherous the situation became.

I feel compelled to post this, as i wish i had broken contact many years ago. I now regret my wasted years and i am battling a range of emotions including grief and anger and depression. I am not suicidal as i knocked that tendency out of the equation years ago, and i have family whom i love dearly even though nobody has offered me any form of support.

I have learned in my life that everything is down to me. If i succeed or fail it is my choice. My family dynamic has impeded me in many ways but i have not allowed it to totally destroy me.

I work and i live independently but have few friends and no partner. In reviewing my life to this point i wish i had broken contact many years ago....because nothing was ever going to change. I do feel that life could have taken me down a brighter path.

I have drawn some strength from similar stories but the hurt i live with goes to bed with me, wakes up with me and invades my day.

As a young person writing the original post here, i cannot emphasise enough how opening up on here is a move in the right direction. It is not a hatefest but rather a realisation of a sickness ... of a cycle that needs to be broken so it doesn't break you. If breaking contact is a viable option, sooner rather than later because if you stick around it just festers and spreads.

In 2019 we live, thankfully, in more enlightened times. For me, just being able to come on here is comforting.

[paddyanne]

Hi Louiseb. Try not to look back with regrets. My mum (she's passed now) was extremely narcissist. I used to live with regrets that I hadn't achieved this or that. I'm nearly 70 and I now look on all the problems I faced as a child, as learning experiences. To me, a 'failure' is someone who never learned from mistakes. Mistakes are made every day, some mistakes are our own doing, others are when we try to cover for someone else. A failure is someone who stops trying because they make an err in judgement. Like everyone here I make many stuff ups, some I try to amend others, I simply accept as stuff ups. No-one is perfect. It sounds to me as though you have achieved much, you've learned about human nature, you've had a marriage bust, many of us here have. I live independently and feel quite proud of myself for that achievement. My mother used to delight in telling me that no man would ever want me because I was too lazy. I don't agree with that because I'm far from that. To me a lazy person is someone who never tries to learn anything and constantly accepts everything given to him/her. I forgave her because hanging on to her negativity brought me down to her narc level. Narcs have extremely low self-esteem and need to bring everyone around them down so they feel superior.

[Guest2583]

Hi paddyanne,

Thanks for your response - As hard as it is, at the moment I'm living with my Dad and just hoping I won't fall for the fake facade reeling me back in. I agree; being honest about how she is acting just creates more fighting and I really don't think she will ever recognise her behaviour or seek help. So it's tricky, on one hand, I want to help her get better but on the other hand, I know I can't sacrifice my own wellbeing any longer so I think as you said, the best choice is to stay moved out.

Thanks again 🙂