Narcissistic Parent

[Guest2583]

Hi,

I've grown up with (who I think) is likely a narcissistic mother (my parents split when I was very young so I've lived primarily with her) and lately I just don't know how much more I can take. I've always struggled a lot with low self-esteem and confidence because of her comments constantly putting me down (except I always thought it was me not her), but this year, during my Grade 12, anxiety and depression took a huge toll on my life and my Mum refused to believe it was a genuine issue and kicked my older sister out of the house when she tried to explain the urgency of my situation to her. I'm now thankfully coming on the other side of my mental health challenges, but still living under the same roof as her is making me start to question my sanity and feel almost like I'm trapped in a prison - I hate being here. Ever since she told my sister to leave, she has lost touch of any sort of boundaries with me (goes through my room, messages my friends without asking me, takes complete control). She's been trying to control my school-life, relationships, future and I just feel like a puppet on a string.

When I ask her to give me space, she thrives off the fighting and says comments like "it's my house I can do what I want" "Who are you anymore? Why are you so cruel to me?" or "You're a cop-out, you will never achieve anything in life if you treat people like this". I'm already in a really emotionally vulnerable place, so when she says stuff like this to me it makes me really question whether what she's saying is actually right and if I've been wrong all along - No matter how hard I've tried my whole life, I've never got her acceptance and I don't know why I keep trying - It's a continuous cycle of disappointment, hurt then trying to leave her and live with my Dad, only to be reeled back in with showering of gifts and obligations.

So I guess I'm asking if anyone else has been in a similar situation with their parents and what the best action is to do? Is it worth me trying to fix the relationship and be honest with how I feel or should I just leave? Any advice would be very much appreciated.

[paddyanne]

Hi Buggywug. I totally 100% agree it's not the job of children to 'fix' their parents. However as children we are forced to live with and deal with constant put downs and negative reactions. Children to the age of about 7 are strongly influenced by home and surroundings and often repeat what they hear or see. My dad was an alcoholic, while he wasn't physically violent, the verbal abuse was as bad if not worse because verbal abuse scars are not seen or felt by anyone. When he was sober (not often) you couldn't ask for a nicer, more gentle, fun-loving man. Around my cousins he was fantastic, in front of them, I was his angel. I grew up believing I was no good, I felt 'in the way'. I now understand him. I miss him terribly and would give anything to tell him I love him. He was, in his clumsy way, trying to help me stand on my own two feet and show me I could make a good life. My mum didn't want me, (she actually told me), my dad wanted me but couldn't show me as mum would've reacted and caused more issues than we could handle. No I wasn't to blame for his problems, and I couldn't 'fix' them, but if he had lived, I could've been there and helped him be who he really wanted to be.

[Guest2583]

Hi whiteknight,

Thanks for your response and I'm sorry to hear about your mother - I have the similar problem of my mum refusing to acknowledge there is an issue which makes it tricky because you really start to doubt if you are the crazy one. I read the website you put a link to and it is really helpful - especially the Trust Yourself tip.

[paddyanne]

Hi Guest2583. Reacting to her trying to get you back will be difficult as she will see this as your dad 'winning'. If and when you speak to her, be firm and let her know you still love her and always will but you need to distance yourself as you need to concentrate on schooling and your future. I wouldn't mention her destructive behavior as this will add fuel. If she won't leave you alone, you may have to consider your next move. Talk to your dad if necessary and ask him what he thinks. Best wishes for your future

[Guest2583]

Hi Buggywug,

Yes I'm speaking to a school counsellor about it which is really comforting -the plan for the moment is to stay with my Dad for as long as possible and if I need to go back to her for finance/other responsibilities, then I will stay for as short time as possible.

[Louiseb]

Hi Paddyanne and thank you so much for taking the time to respond.

You forgave your narc and i believe that this is the key, but right now i am still reeling with disgust at her actions and betrayal. I am trying really hard to forgive myself for what i have invested of my life and for not accepting the fact that people like this will never change. Probably rather than forgive, in the short term i do need to let go somehow as it is eating me up. I do not want to be consumed by hatred but at this stage i am off the scene. She has had two falls which i would normally willingly and happily be the first respondent a nd stay close for as long as required. But behind my back i was stripped of control over aged care that i spent six months organising, powers of attorney and guardianship and exec of estate. I have not taken from her and have done absolutely nothing wrong. Our situation was stressful as her sons did little to help and i did a lot, though i am on my own, running my own business and had two surgeries in less than a year. Her demands were relentless and there was shouting and swearing, but never withdrawal of support. I put my hand up for help and the retiring golden boy agreed verbally to a situation of co operation, so i provided him with usernames and passwords and all information regarding her care so we could share. He took everything and locked me out. While i was finalising her care, he helped "mum" to complete my legal lockout. I don't wish her harm but i will not be a part of this any more..and at this stage i have no intention of attending her funeral. My biggest hurdle is forgiving myself for not pulling the plug myself and a lot sooner

[Louiseb]

Just one other thing, my marriage broke up, but my ex and i maintain a good friendship. He also still visits her. My children are disinterested which disappoints me, as i do not want them to fight my battles, but i really need some support right now.

Independence is a great attribute and i have always remained totally self reliant.

[paddyanne]

Hi again Lousieb. I was in exactly the same situation when my mother passed. She lived in N.Z, I was here. My sibling was incarcerated at the time, although I was unaware of that. I had to return to N.Z for the funeral as I was the only 'family' left. My mother left everything to my sibling. He was the golden haired boy who could do no wrong. I felt every emotion you now have, hatred, betrayal, hurt, anger. I felt as though she had exonerated his disgusting behavior by leaving him everything. Her obvious intense dislike of me was obvious, the will left me in no doubt. I was seeing a psychologist by then and he read the will. He then turned it round in a way I couldn't have because of my emotional turmoil. Had my mother split her estate between the two of us, my sibling would've spent his in a heartbeat, then made my life a living Hell by demanding I give him my share. I have thought about this often and I know in my heart he was right. I have gained more than she left him because I have my self respect and I've turned my life round to where I'm happy. I'm not with my husband either. We were married for over 25 years, we're now the best of friends and I have gotten past the hurt etc. I did hang onto it for a while, but through a wonderful job I managed to secure and the people I worked with, I've realized that self-hurt only hurts you. I forgave her because disliking someone who's passed is a waste. She can't hurt me now. I will never forget, but the lesson I've learned is people never change, only our dealings with them do. We can continue disliking them who hurt us, but in order to achieve what we want, we need to accept and dislike the action rather than the person. I don't believe my mother really accepted she had to care and provide for me. I dislike what she did, but I feel sorry for the person she was. I believe her own childhood was sad and she just wanted to be loved for who she was. I too did everything I could for her, but she wanted and adored my sibling. I can't change that, but I can ignore his existence (which I do). I have learned to love myself and be proud of what I've achieved.

[paddyanne]

Hi Louiseb. My mother visited my previous ex, she maintained a friendship with him, even though he had children from his previous marriage. I know it's painful knowing your ex maintains a friendship with your mother, it makes you feel as though he can't see her as you do. He can't, because she treats him different. Having disinterested children is a mixed blessing. They possibly would feel torn in two if they maintained a friendship with their g'mother while they know the conflict between you and her. Enjoy your children when you see them and try not to allow their friendship with their g'mother to impact on your relationship with them. It's similar to separated spouses having joint custody. I would also refrain from discussing your mother with them as it puts them at a disadvantage. Children don't see g'parents as 'parents' as such. To children g'parents are there for enjoyment and visiting. Mum and dad are 'the parents' g'parents aren't seen as parents. Hope you understand the meaning I'm trying to explain. I never saw my g'mother as dad's mother, she was just 'nana'.

[Louiseb]

Hi Paddyanne, Thank you ever so much for taking time to write.

My sibling has a history of physical and mental abuse of me. He feels entitled to treat me this way and i do not trust him to be physically near me as i do not feel safe. When "mum" made her initial will i agreed to be exec on condition that i would not be dealing with him jointly. So it would be either him or me but not both. This was put in good writing. The will has been changed so i am no lo ger exec and my share has been diminished. As he now controls everything he can do all the work and when she passes i will stay well away.

what you said about letting go...things are still really raw but i believe i will pull through. I do like myself which helps. Like you, i have kept myself employed and independent so i have self respect and can make my own choices. It is empowering not being tethered to her by a stupid will. They have been so nasty to me that i am happy for them to think that contesting it is high on my agenda. I am sad that the ageing process is largely defined by money and property.

My mind is still churning, but i am keeping healthy, eating well and working hard. Being busy is a good distraction. A friend suggested a few days' holiday but that would give me too much thinking time.

My kids and my ex still see her and she treats them differently to how she treats me. At first i did feel a bit like they couldn't care less what she did to me, and figured that we would kiss and make up and in no time flat would be back at it again. Although i hate what she did and really do not wish to waste any more of my precious life in her company, i realise that they have every right to associate with who they want to, even if i think their choices suck. I will respect their choices but will not be drawn into any more uncomfortable situations. They also have to respect my choices. The subject of Christmas has come up but is not a biggie because i already had nothing to do with the boys, and my ex and i agreed to keep our Christmases separate as although we are great friends, he has a very understanding new lady who doesn't deserve to be in an uncomfortable situation. Also, he lives in what was our family home and i feel sad about our marriage not working...i never wish to go back, but there's just a lot of history...good and bad. My "mother" wanted us to get back together....could not comprehend friendship between exes. I have grown a lot since our split, but that is a whole different topic.

[Shifting_Sands]

It has taken me decades to realise that my mother was a Narcissistic Parent. Finally my life starts to make sense. It explains why Mum chose my friends, my clothes, what I was allowed to say, what I was supposed to feel, what I could do.

My mother was unpredictable, violent, verbally abusive and belittling. She treated all her children like this, particularly her two daughters. My mother also wore a false mask in public and only behaved this way towards us at home. With anyone else she turned into a nice person and was seen as pretty, sporty and popular.

I walked on eggshells around my mother, we all did. Anything could tip her into a blinding rage and she could become frighteningly punitive for days if she felt slighted in any way, either by someone within her household or someone outside it.

For years as a child growing up I was sexually abused by my mother’s brother and his son, my cousin. My mother never believed that this was happening when I told her about it. Then she blamed me when I became pregnant and had an abortion at 13. She and Dad never protected me. I was never allowed to talk about it and was told that my life was ruined. Just before my 18th birthday I ran away from home and have always limited any contact after that with my mother because I felt so awful when I was around her.

After 16 years of counselling for PTSD and Childhood Sexual Abuse I recall my therapist saying she felt my main issues were with my mother. This puzzled me until now.

My son’s family is a nurturing one. No one is perfect or expected to be, each child’s unique personality and interests are valued and they are loved. Protecting them and making sure they feel safe is vital and issues are discussed and solutions found without anyone being belittled or physically punished. Their parenting led to me being able finally to identify my mother as a Narcissistic parent.

My struggle now is to deal with the beliefs I have about my self that my mother drilled into me. I find myself grieving for my lost self, the person I wasn’t allowed to be, for friends I wasn’t allowed to have, for all those missed opportunities. Mother is in a nursing home now and can’t hurt me anymore.

Thank you for the new take on the Serenity Prayer. All your posts on this site have really helped me . Talk again soon.