Partners CPTSD + Past sexual abuse trauma support

[sead05]

Hi all,

This is my first time posting after reading through a lot of your posts which have been helpful in understanding my partner.

My partner was groomed and abused as a young teenager for many years, recently they have reported it to the police and they are going through the painful process of re-living the trauma by gathering evidence and giving statements.

Our relationship was really healthy before but there has been such a change now I can't quite keep up with it. Although still a healthy relationship, my partners anxiety is almost engulfing her for the majority of the day. I am unsure how I can support her when she is clearly anxious, having flashbacks and panic attacks. Her mood was never as low as it has been, she is on the wait list for CASA but there is a delay. I am letting them vent all frustrations, giving them as much space as they need/want.

Also our sex life has took a nosedive, I understand that sex is pretty far off for us but I miss the intimacy. My partner hasn't verbally recognised this and I don't want to bring it up incase I make her upset.

Any information or guidance on how I can support my partner would be really helpful.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi sead05,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for deciding to join us. I hope that you'll find being apart of BB really helpful and supportive. I encourage you to jump into the posts that you liked and join in on the conversation there as well.

I'm sorry to hear about what your partner went through, and what you're going through, and what you're both going through together as a couple. Trauma is so hard and I'm not sure how appreciated you might be feeling right now but I appreciate the way that you're stepping up and asking these questions.

While I haven't ever tried them before, if your partner is interested, she can try the Blue Knot foundation which supports survivors of child abuse and trauma - 1300 657 380. This can be an additional and kind of in-between resource before her appointment with CASA.

I also want to link to this resource, it's not Australian based but I think it could be helpful - https://www.rainn.org/sites/default/files/Toolkit.pdf

I also think it's worth thinking about how you are taking care of yourself right now - thinking about how you've been coping with the changes in your relationship and the lacking of intimacy. While I can see that you care about her, I also want you to care about yourself too so that you don't burn out.

There's definitely so much more I can add to this but I don't want to be overwhelming so I might leave it here for now. Feel free to share more or ask questions or request books/videos - my brain is full of trauma so I'm happy to try and help where I can. 🙂

rt

[sead05]

Hey RT,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I have suggested Blue Knot to my partner, they are reluctant to contact any other foundation due to not wanting to repeatedly open up to different people, which I understand it is their trauma and her story.

I don't know how to begin the conversation of how I am feeling with them, I don't want to sound selfish to them. Although they are very empathetic I just feel that I can't predict their reaction due to the re-emerging trauma, I don't want our relationship to breakdown and I won't let that happen, but I am worried about our communication.

Can I take you up on the offer of books and videos around trauma, I would really appreciate it.

[ecomama]

Hey sead05

It's really amazing of you reaching out about ways to support your partner and others and get through this yourself.

I'm not going to lie, this is some of the heaviest shyte a person can ever go through. Firstly surviving the abuse as children THEN having to retell the story over and over.

And the questioning feels like machine guns firing at you.
PSTD makes us feel that way.
Not only can we feel like we're a constant and very real war zone, anyone approaching us can startle us.

I suggest you phone 1800RESPECT for yourself. If you leave your name, then they can better support you each time you call. Your partner doesn't have to. You can for YOU and HER.
You can ask to be put through to a trauma psychologist straight away.
I'm confident they will have many ways to help you.

Re: intimacy - it could be different for your partner but lots of "safe hugging" or touching. Meaning not leading anywhere, just as comfort to her so she can feel safe with you.
Even things like before you enter a room, calling out her name softly so she knows you're coming may begin to calm the "startle reflex" when you're near her and over time she could associate your presence with "feeling safe".

She's NOT doing any of this on purpose.
C-PTSD can make us feel like we're totally out of control over our minds... this can be regained.
You may have to manage yourself for a while in the intimacy dept.

I kept an almost weekly appointment with my Counsellor throughout years of Courts.
She was able to apply for grants so I saw her for free.
I still do.

Eventually, after reporting and Courts etc, your partner could really benefit SA trauma psychology for C-PTSD.

I wish a speedy process for you all, it's a veritable nightmare on repeat.

EMxxxx

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi sead05,

It's great to hear back from you again.

Ah, yes that's understandable. Does your partner have other types of support to use, whether that's other family, friends or a doctor? You did mention a lot of flashbacks and panic attacks so I'm not sure by your post if she is coping with these okay or finding ways to ground herself.

Yeah I see that too. Trauma is hard work on both sides. What are the things you would like to say to her? Or what might you like her to know? You don't have to answer this here, but maybe thinking about that message might make it easier.

As for resources, I'll list a couple below. Feel free to let me know if it's not what you're after or need something else -

- Shock Waves: A practical guide to living with a loved one's PTSD by Cynthia Orange

- Loving someone with PTSD by Aphrodite T Matsakis

- Is your partner affected by Childhood Trauma? Crappy Childhood Fairy https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=050kuj4Aiho

Hope this helps

rt

[sead05]

Hi Em,

Thank you so much for your reply. I particularly found your analogy of PTSD being like a machine gun really helpful, my partner hasn't been able to put into words how they are feeling.

I will also be contacting 1800RESPECT and hopefully CASA get in contact with my partner soon.

I really appreciate your kind words and advise.

[sead05]

Hi RT,

Thank you for getting back in touch and providing the resources.

My partner doesn't really have anyone else that knows the full details especially the details of the police report for legal reasons, they are still on the wait list for CASA. Just breathing and we go to bed every night to a meditation which really helps their sleeping.

I would like to say how I feel, that I am struggling without her being present both physically and mentally. There are a few things I would say, thank you for asking me this question it has given me time to think more about how I feel.

Thank you

[ecomama]

Dear sead05

We're here to support you any time.

Please don't hold your breath for support to come. The waiting can seem eternally LONG... you have the helplines and there's help waiting there for you also.

I'm no expert on your partner but it took me around 7 years to finally be able to put my C-PTSD experiences into words.

The machine gun firing was my experience during questioning etc. from anyone.

PTSD can envelope a person with it anytime. In this time it feels like I was caught in a full visual and surround sound cinema I couldn't escape from. The experiences were so real to me that I would get vertigo and even be physically sick.

You can view any and all support as steps in a ladder. I hope you feel the support IS like this when you get it.

For now, I'm not sure if any MH progress can be truly made for your partner whilst in the midst of reporting processes.
She's still "in the storm" but if you can express somehow that when this is all over, she can get better over time, please confirm to her that this is possible.

A clip that might help you and HER is by Kristen Neff on self-care.
Kristen Neff researched ppl who had PTSD and those that did and didn't recover.

The ONE thing that all the recovered clients had in common was self-care.
It seems that self-care is essential for recovery.

Love and many Blessings
EM