Partner with Depression may be emotionally/verbally abusive

[Nickname_12936318-B287-40]

I'm seeking some help/advice regarding my unhealthy relationship. I've never posted about it before, so here it goes. I'm 23, and have a 4 y/o son. And have been in an 'on again, off again' relationship with his father for the past five years. He slept with four other women in the first three years of our dysfunctional relationship. The first while I was pregnant (I gave him another chance) the second (his ex) was three weeks after our son was born and he left us for her. A couple of months later he came back and said we could work things out. Then the third when my son was just under a year old. Then the fourth when my son was 2. He kept the fourth a secret for a year but it eventually came out. Now as that seems like a problem on its own, during this time and after (it has been two years now since he's slept with anyone else) he hasn't had much regard for my feelings and how I am dealing with all of it. He is dismissive, he doesn't support any decisions I make, he's always telling me what I'm doing wrong - telling me to rephrase myself, correcting me, telling me I have poor communication skills. He gets annoyed with me over such small things and it always feels like I am walking through a minefield. Any thought or opinion I state could potentially set off a huge argument, and then when we argue he puts the blame on me and walks off, leaving me feeling guilty for saying whatever I said. Nothing I do or our son does ever seems good enough. We could always do better. Be better.

I've tried to leave him about four times this year as I have become increasingly anxious and depressed, however I always find myself giving him 'one more chance'. I sometimes think that maybe it's just his depression talking, but it's so hard not to take things personally when someone you love criticises you all the time. He isn't on medication, he doesn't want it and he won't seek professional help as he doesn't think it works. I however am seeking professional help as I don't know what to do anymore.

Any advice or input would be helpful. Thanks in advance, Sparrow.

[Nickname_12936318-B287-40]

I would also like to mention that in 2014 I moved over an hour away from my friends and family for my sons father to pursue a relationship with him in a new town where his parents live. So I have been very alone these past two years.

[Nikkir]

Hi Anon- Sparrow,

Thank you for sharing your life and how you are feeling, I know sometimes it can be hard to reach out. It really sounds like you have alot going on and alot that has gone on for you for many years. It is amazing that you are still doing well and you keep going as best you can for yourself and your son. I think it is good that you have sought professional help and maybe medication ? even if he hasn't. In the end we can only really help ourselves. I can understand why you might have given him chances even if you don't agree with what he has done. I think it is very hard when you are a mother / parent to let go of the other parent. Let's face it they are the other part of them and I guess of you in a way. I think that is why many people turn a blind eye or are more forgiving than a single person would be. It also depends on your economic and social situation. If you or anyone was reliant on someone financially or for emotional and social support it is not as easy to just walk away to nothing. That said with how he is making you feel or the relationship is affecting you is probably a better way to say it is not healthy and may have long term effects if left for too long. So I would suggest keep seeing your therapist and explain your thoughts, feelings and fears and develop some boundaries for your own self care. Maybe you could work with your therapist to set some boundaries with what you need from him in order to continue the relationship. Does he want to continue the relationship? Do you have any support around you ? You can always call us on 1300 224636 or write back online. We would love to know how you are going and know that you are not alone. Best wishes Nikkir x

[Cornstarch]

You are asking the age old question of where does mental illness begin and where does the persons individual self begin?

Confused some.

Depending how much experience you have and what've you've been exposed to will determine your opinion on this matter.

Mental illness can be as dry and boring as a medical condition that has to be managed.

Or clever little buttons have figured out what it gets them. Yes this happens, cynical I know. Take 59 people with the same diagnosis that was carefully considered and shove them all into a room. Are they all the same, I don't think so. Diagnoses of convenience aren't uncommon, someone told me how they'd met someone who claimed to have suddenly woken on a sunny Sunday in their mid forties and was struck down with BPD. I questioned what had just happened in her interpersonal relationships. Ironically these sort of happenings can back fire and people stop taking them seriously if they make a mockery of people's life experience and intellect. As if no one else has experienced mental illness before.

Nice people suffer from mental health problems and not so nice people suffer from mental health problems.

I would hate to think that you view me as %100 my mental health condition. I would find that quite offensive

Good luck.

[Nickname_12936318-B287-40]

Hi Nikkir, thank you for your response.
He is currently doing a degree at University, and I'm a stay at home Mum. I do the cleaning, cooking, washing, finances, grocery shopping and take care of my son. I have recently decided to enroll in a course next year that I am very excited for and the possibilities it may bring. When I told him about it he just huffed at me and said 'good luck with that'. He knows our relationship is in trouble, but he thinks it's practical to stay together until we've both finished studying. I have asked him for some space recently and he has gone to stay with a friend. He has told me that I am selfish for enrolling in a course, even though I've made sure I enrolled in a course that worked around my sons kinder so he would be at kinder while I was attending my course. He's constantly making me doubt myself as a Mother. He's screamed and at sworn at me, punched walls and my car window while I was driving. He snaps at me if I say something he doesn't like, and gets angry quite easily. He always tells me I'm wrong, and lets me know at least once a week of something I'm doing wrong. If we have an argument and he's at fault, he always turns it around on me and makes me feel like it's my fault. There are good sides to him too, but it's this side that I just don't know if I can deal with anymore. I live with him and my son, in a house his parents own. I have a friend up here and his parents are only a 15 minute drive away, and help out with my son when I need them to. My mother and father are divorced. My father lives 2 hours away, my mother lives 3 hours away and my friends all live an hour and a half away. As far as I know I don't have any clinically diagnosed mental illnesses and don't see the need to take any medication. I am usually a very optimistic person. I feel that I will always be okay, because I have to be. But since I moved away from my friends and family, some days I just don't want to leave my bed. I'm so fearful of everything now, which is why I am seeking professional help. I am posting here because I want to hear other peoples thoughts and opinions on this. Is it worth staying with him and trying to work things out, or should I leave to avoid any potential damage in the future? I just don't know how to deal with years of hurtful remarks, infidelity, anger fits and criticism.
Thank you for listening.

[pipsy]

Dear Anon-Sparrow. Welcome to the forums and congrats for posting such a difficult and personal problem. Any sort of domestic violence is totally unacceptable. Your partner is incredibly jealous and insecure of your (to him) ability to 'get ahead'. When someone like your partner doubts his own abilities, and they see their spouse being able to easily do what they find hard, this causes incredible jealousy and resentment. There also appears to be some narcissistic tendencies here too. The constant put-downs, the need to build himself up to appear better than you. He has some serious anger issues and these are leaning toward danger for you and your son. He is displaying violence with punching walls and your car window. He is not going to stop this behaviour until he has you under his control. You ask if you should stay or leave, my personal opinion is to leave. You have a child to consider and for him to constantly witness this sort of violence is unhealthy. The longer you remain, the more you will question your ability to raise your son, continue with your studies etc. It is possible you may have some depression, hardly surprising, but if you feel this could be, getting away from him would benefit you. Do you feel that leaving him would make you feel safe, or is there fears that he could continue to harass you once you leave? If you doubt your safety after leaving him, you may have to consider taking out a DVO against him. However, that's something you would have better knowledge of than me. Men like your spouse don't take kindly to wives leaving and some have been known to continue harassing and threaten.

Lynda

[Nickname_12936318-B287-40]

Hi Lynda, thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my post.
We're not married, we didn't make it to that point. He would never physically hurt us, he just uses his words.
I also know he won't harass me if I left. He usually doesn't contact me much when he's away from home.
I honestly don't feel he cares for me overly (not that that's surprising) but he does care for our son. Like I said, he's not all bad, these are just things he has done that make it extremely difficult for me to want to pursue a relationship with him - which is why I'm here. If we didn't have a child together, I would have been out years ago. I do agree it's unhealthy for my son to witness this, and listen to our arguments. My partner loves our son, and my son loves his Dad. It's heartbreaking that I have to make the decision to break up our family, but I'm thinking more and more that we might be better off if I leave.