Not sure if i can do this

[Life3a]

Hi,

I'm new here and i guess with every emotion and thought im feeling , I know i cant do this alone. To be honest, Im not sure if i can do this at all. Opening myself up and feeling more vulnerable than what i already am is difficult. How do you let yourself go, knowing that its so open to anyone and then removing this ridiculous fear that comes with it? Fear is my killer along with anxiety. Trust is another and that too is a big issue for me. i guess being so broken has those affects. I'm here so that's a start.

[Matchy69]

Hi Life3a thanks for sharing a little bit more about yourself.I can completely understand about trying to be strong on the outside for you kids and struggling inside.I find myself crying on the inside when i really want to be crying on the outside.How old is your son? My son is 8y.o and my daughter is 16y.o both have Autism which i do to and my son has ADHD as well and is really full on at times and is a real chatter box and talks non stop while my daughter has selective mutism and only talks to close family and dosnt speak a word at school to any of her friends or teachers.Just share what you feel comfortable with and we are here to listen.

Take care,

Mark.

[Life3a]

Hey Mark,

As Im sitting here after reading your post, my minds racing , the heart is beating a million miles an hour and the anxiety kicks in. Its not what you wrote , its because this is where i begin to open up. Im not sure why im finding this hard. Have you ever felt like you've wanted to just talk but something stops you in fear of i dont know, being judged or exposed or seen weak?

You have your hands full. Mark, your doing the best you can even though at times you may feel differently. I work with children in the spectrum and selective mutism as well as behavioural issues and i know how difficult things can be. Its a challenge constantly. My son is in the spectrum too. He was diagnosed with Asbergus when he was 6. They dont call it that any more. He has severe social anxiety and sensory processing disorder. He faints if his overwhelmed and becomes extremely emotional when he doesn't cope. His afraid of the world and wont go anywhere expect when he visits his Dad and comes and stays with me. His 19 and my daughter is 14. The world is difficult for him and its challenging constantly as he debates all the time. I do have a way of talking to him but that doesnt always work. He prefers his bubble which is home and is home schooled because the world is too much for him. My daughter doesnt understand it but tries her best too. Then there is me, supporting the both of them the best way i can and falling apart at the same time with my own past. Im on auto pilot. Im a switch that changes to different characters because its easier to hide what goes through your mind than show the world what im truly feeling. I dont feel comfortable exposing myself . I havent trusted anyone and in fact i dont. Its exhausting. When the kids stay at their Dads all i do is constantly cry. Its not because of my kids, its because of what Ive been through .

sadly life hasnt been kind. AAHHH!! Mark, i dont know if i can do this. Theres a part of me that says just write, let it go, dont be afraid and then theres another part that says STOP. I think right this moment , ill stop. Tears are flowing down my cheeks and ive an online meeting this morning and some kids to teach online. The crazy thing is NO ONE knows me , so why am i so hesitant?

Have a blessed day

blessings

Life3a

[smallwolf]

Hi,

There is a lot going on in your life. Your reaction then is natural for you. For me, when there were or are many things going on in my head I don't really know where to start. If I try to get it out it comes in a jumbled mess and then feel stupid. And I speak with a psychologist about things and she doesn't care about the order.

The people here care about each other and support each other. This extends to as well. Yes there is a limit to how much we write per post, but you can start wherever it makes sense for you. Small steps are ok.

It might not be the right time to spill everything and the one thing we can do for you is listen.

Hopefully some of this was helpful for you.

Tim

[Matchy69]

Hi Life3a you have done so well to tell a little bit more.I know about how they want live in their own little bubble where they feel safe.If I take my daughter out of her safe enviroment I see a different person and her anxiety starts to get worst and she starts breathing heavy having panic attacks.While my son dosnt like having changes at all and has meltdowns so you got to try and stick to the same routine though that can be so hard especially with what is happening in the world at the moment.I come on here sometimes and post things in tears just to let it all out.Its nice to just to have someone to listen to.I use to see a psychologist and she was really good to talk to but i moved 3 hours from her so i havent seen a new one yet but i know i allways got that option if things get to bad for me.

Take care,

Mark.

[Life3a]

Hi Tim,

Thank you for your email. Your right , i do have a lot going on and i feel im in this ridiculous cyclone and im trying to find the calmness in the storm. im not sure if that made any sense but thats how it feels. sometimes the cyclone / storm is out of control . so many times ive wondered if this feeling will ever go away.

I appreciate your response and for taking the time to email me.

Many blessings

Life3a

[Life3a]

Hey Mark,

I feel like im reading about my son when i read your post. My son son has meltdowns too especially when i take him anywhere which i admit i dont that often. Its not that i dont want too, on the contrary, its because his emotions become intense and he gets so anxious that it breaks my heart. Do you know what? Its nice to know im not alone in this. I so understand how it feels for you as i go through the same thing and to top it all up, im trying to deal with me in the process.

This is probably going to sound crazy , for a while ive been having these flash backs of my past. its like a video and certain things trigger it. Certain things that are out of my control. When this happens, i get this enormous feeling of anxiety, fear and cry. If the kids are with me and it happens, i hide in my walk in wardrobe and cry. sometimes my son who has sensitive ears hears me and sits next to me and hugs me. When im alone because theyre staying at their fathers, i keep myself inside the house to deal with whats going through my mind. I get the shakes which my mind cant stop. Theyre gentle ones but enough to notice. These video flash backs seem real. I sound crazy!

Many blessings

Life3a

I was going to write my name but i cant.

[Life3a]

I forgot to mention, do you find talking on here helps you deal with things that are happening?

Many blessings

Life3a

[Life3a]

hey Tim its me again,

I have seen a psychologist twice recently. I struggle to open up to her and hold back. I have trust issues and she tells me that. Its obvious because i even hesitate here. I put my feet in the water and take it out because im too afraid and hesitate to jump in and open up. I have a strange way of seeing things. Anyway ive an online teaching session. The students will wonder where i am...

Many Blessings

Life3a

[smallwolf]

How is the online teaching going?

I know a some lecturers and teachers and going through a number of challenges in this new environment.

I can only speak for myself here - sometimes the same idea can spin around in my mind in many different ways, but when I finally write it down it is only a 1 or 2 things. Keep in mind there may also be other things as well I am thinking about as well. I found that writing things down was helpful.

On opening up.... I hope you don't mind my asking - what do you think is stopping you from opening up?

All psychologists are different. From what I read in other threads some are good and others no so. I guess I am lucky in that regard. You said you saw yours twice recently. It took me a while from the beginning to feel comfortable. Also remember that whatever it is that makes you feel low, makes you feel low. You would or should be supported during this time to find the tools to use to manage the thoughts and feelings and perhaps get back to that happy place. Allow yourself time to allow the relationship with your psychologist to grow ...

Tim

[Life3a]

Hey Tim,

Im on a short break. There is so much work coming through. On line teaching has its challenges but i will say im enjoying it. I still get to see my students through video and they seem happy. I love hearing them explain their work . That puts a smile on my face. I teach children with learning difficulties in a mainstream school. I love my job and when i see them achieve, it makes me really happy. They need all the support they can get and im going to give them all i have. I once was them.

What stops me from opening up? Fear.. Judgement. I dont know just the thought of it sends me into an anxiety state. For so long i was always told things never happened. Its all in my head. It was never like that. Well guess what? It was , it was all too real. I know how i was made to feel. I know what it did to me . Where it took me and the struggles i face today because of it. Im sitting here trying so hard to not cry. I feel as though if i let my guard down Im going to be seen differently. Its bad enough i feel that way. Im this grown woman in my mid 40s with these visions of .... Oh gosh!!!... Of things that took so much out of me. As a child, a teenager and an adult. I see myself as ..... mmmm... the red stop sign appears.time to pull my reigns back.

I write a lot but i write what i want for me in the now. Its weird. I have these dreams of what life should be. I used to write what i went through then i was afraid someone would read it and i stopped. I disposed every letter i wrote. When i did read them before i did that, i felt this incredible sadness. I had years and years of writing. I even wrote like i was writing to someone i knew which i didnt. Was it therapeutic? Yes.. Did it show i was suffering from PTSD? yes.Did it show i was hurting? yes . No one had ever read them.

Can i just express this? I wish someone could just give me this big hug not for anything but to say Life3a, (so weird not saying my name) , its not in your head. Everything you feel and went through was real. Its not just some stupid bad dream . Hang on dreams of events that i wish i could erase. Here goes the tears..

Many blessings

Life3a