No more hope

[Seeta]

I feel disgusting talking about it but I’m really suffering at the moment. I have been through a lot in my life including the loss of my parents, the loss of a loved one, sexual abuse, family violence and right now an abusive relationship. Also, once the pandemic started, I felt sick and had all the symptoms of the Covid but there was no place that would test me for it. After doing an X-ray, they found viral infection in my lung but I couldn’t get the thought of having the virus out of my mind. Ever since my mental health has been awful.

At 24 I feel like this is the end of the world for me, I have a beautiful little daughter who is very cheerful and loving but being a mum with mental disorder makes me feel sick about myself. I can’t think, I can’t sleep, I can’t find anything that makes me happy and I can’t get out of the house or my anxiety will kill me. I am currently also doing a degree at uni which is another burden for now . I feel like I can’t recognise many people anymore and everything seems unfamiliar for me. The doctor has put me on antidepressants which hasn’t worked as of now but I’m hoping that it will. I’m also seeing a psychologist who is the sweetest person I have even known. I feel very hopeless and worthless at the moment. My partner is no help at all as he believes mental illness doesn’t exist and that we make our mind to always think negative. I’m constantly told many negative things including that I am worthless, lazy, mental and that I have grown in hell. The only reason I’m here today is because of my daughter.

[therising]

Congratulations Seeta. You are gradually accumulating undeniable proof that YOU ARE A LEGEND. YOU'RE A STAR!

Plenty of people can obtain their bachelors under the best of circumstances but how many can complete it under deeply challenging circumstances? You're exceptional!

You've just reached a significant milestone on your journey. Perhaps it time you just sit, rest and wonder for a while. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Just wonder about some possibilities that could get you excited. Keep an eye out for opportunity at the same time, even if those opportunities might be a little outside the square. You never know where they may lead.

Good to know you are becoming so intolerant of your husband's behaviour that you're willing and courageous enough to speak up. Does take a lot of courage when you don't know how speaking up is going to trigger someone. Sounds like you're gradually finding your natural power. Step by gradual step, we're tested in so many ways when it comes to understanding how truly powerful we can be. We can amaze our self at times.

Exciting times ahead Seeta. Somewhat fearful too and that's understandable. You are gradually learning you are fearless Seeta. Have faith that you will graduate to greater levels of fearlessness over time. This is an incredible time in your life.

🙂

[Seeta]

Thank you ecomama and Therising for the beautiful words and comments. I am really sorry i couldn’t reply sooner. My mental health has been excellent and life has been not too bad. He has changed 380 degrees.

However, all i want right now is separation. Whenever I talk to him about it, he would beg me and promise me that he will be the best and keep me as happy as he can. I know he loves me but for me love is not everything. There needs to be so many other things to complete it such as respect, understanding and trust.The thing is I don’t have any feelings whatsoever for him and even listening to him makes me sick. I don’t know now if I am the problem and too much or has this been caused by all the abuse he did to me all these 5 years. He would still control me here and there but not too much and he has stopped disrespecting my family to some degree.

I know no one can suggest to me to separate or stay with him and how to make the separation easier for him. But I’m looking into some advice on what is best here and if there is ways I can love him back and trust him again.

thank you very much

[therising]

Hi Seeta

I believe, as we gradually become a more natural version of our self over time, the nature of how we see things changes. The nature of how we behave changes. The nature of what we look forward to changes. I could go on but basically just about everything changes. Personally, I have found this to be the case. Through the changes, there are definitely a lot of challenges. If we didn't accept those challenges that involve us letting go of who we used to be...nothing would change.

It sounds like you are now facing the challenge of reassessing your relationship. You're perhaps also facing the challenge of defining love. This is an enormous challenge but I have no doubt you're up for it. As I may have mentioned before, I find love is found in evolution. I can see how you've loved yourself to this point in life, how you've given yourself the opportunities to evolve. This is how I love myself too. I see a challenge and I ask 'Do I love myself enough to raise myself through this challenge? Do I love myself enough to want to grow more into being my most natural self?' Because I am finding my natural self to be someone truly amazing and someone I deeply love, the answer is almost always 'Yes'.

I had a chat with my husband a couple of weeks back. As I sat, working up to speaking with him, I felt my body getting pretty worked up. Being someone who has naturally come to meditate on inspiration, I asked to powers that be 'Why am I feeling so fearful?' What came to mind was 'This is what courage feels like'. Off I went with my courage to face him. In a nutshell, I said to him 'You've often dictated the terms and conditions of this relationship. Through your inaction, when it comes to acts of love (not just verbal proclamations) and through the fear I've always felt in approaching you over matters that mean something to me, I have found your terms and conditions to be depressing. I now give you new terms and conditions. You are to love actively and you are to accept that I will be fearless in how I approach you. I will no longer tolerate verbal abuse just because it suits you. If you can't accept these terms and conditions, I'm done'. Seeta, as far I was concerned, the relationship that we'd lived in for more than 20 years was over. The choice became about striking a new contract, with myself and with him at this point.

You're a naturally powerful person Seeta, in the process of striking new contracts. Stay working on your terms and conditions for each one.

🙂

[ecomama]

Dear Seeta

You're a wonderful person and wonderful mother and STUDIOUS student!

It's COMPLETELY normal to feel as you do. Love does not always spring eternal. It can be squashed. He has.

A side note about H. He is an adult (or we would LIKE him to act that way). He is not your responsibility.
So any thoughts about 'making it easier for him' just need to vanish. They can bring you right down and lower your energy levels. You can 'care' but you can't fix things for him.

The more you concentrate on YOUR SELF and your baby girl, the more power goes to you.

You felt so powerless before. H was controlling every thing.

NOW YOU are gaining control over your life and it's like watching a flower begin to bloom.

I have always sought marriage counselling when things seemed to be on the rocks.

I like the ones who see you 1:1 on the side too.

This process in itself can sort the wheat from the chaff.

Best wishes, still proud of you lol!

SO happy to hear you're going so well.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Hi Seeta

I was just thinking of you and wanted to pop by and ask you how things are going now?

I hope you and your beautiful girl and husband are doing really well.

Love EM