No more hope

Seeta · ‎04-06-2020

I feel disgusting talking about it but I’m really suffering at the moment. I have been through a lot in my life including the loss of my parents, the loss of a loved one, sexual abuse, family violence and right now an abusive relationship. Also, once the pandemic started, I felt sick and had all the symptoms of the Covid but there was no place that would test me for it. After doing an X-ray, they found viral infection in my lung but I couldn’t get the thought of having the virus out of my mind. Ever since my mental health has been awful.

At 24 I feel like this is the end of the world for me, I have a beautiful little daughter who is very cheerful and loving but being a mum with mental disorder makes me feel sick about myself. I can’t think, I can’t sleep, I can’t find anything that makes me happy and I can’t get out of the house or my anxiety will kill me. I am currently also doing a degree at uni which is another burden for now . I feel like I can’t recognise many people anymore and everything seems unfamiliar for me. The doctor has put me on antidepressants which hasn’t worked as of now but I’m hoping that it will. I’m also seeing a psychologist who is the sweetest person I have even known. I feel very hopeless and worthless at the moment. My partner is no help at all as he believes mental illness doesn’t exist and that we make our mind to always think negative. I’m constantly told many negative things including that I am worthless, lazy, mental and that I have grown in hell. The only reason I’m here today is because of my daughter.

Sophie_M · ‎04-06-2020

Hi Seeta,

We're so grateful you found our valued online forums community and showed such bravery in sharing this with us. We want you to know you've found a safe, non-judgmental place where people give and receive support to each other based on shared understanding. You don't have to face all this alone and we're here to give you as much support, advice and conversation as you want.

Because you mention the pandemic restrictions, we thought we'd let you know about our dedicated Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service: https://coronavirus.beyondblue.org.au/. It has a lot of useful information to help people get through these unusual times as well as specially trained and qualified mental health professionals ready to offer support, advice, some counselling and referrals. You can call them any time on 1800 512 348 or talk to them online via webchat which can be accessed here: https://coronavirus.beyondblue.org.au/general/chat-online.html

Whenever you feel up to it, do please check back and let us know how you're getting on.

White_Rose · ‎04-06-2020

Dear Seeta

Hello and welcome. I echo Sophie's comments about investigating our coronavirus website. I think you will find it helpful. Another online help is the 1800RESPECT page. Please copy this address into your browser. https://www.1800respect.org.au/ It will be made into a live link in a little while but until then a copy & paste will get you there.

I am so very sorry to learn about your difficulties and I do urge you to take steps to get out of your abusive relationship. I know this is hard to do for all sorts of reasons which is why I think it will be good to contact 1800Respect. It is all about domestic abuse.

Depression and anxiety always shows itself as a loss of self-confidence, sleeplessness, loss of concentration, and fear of just about anything. Your partner is totally wrong about there being no such thing as mental illness, particularly when he uses abuse to get his own way. You can find some information on this web site by going to The Facts tab at the top of the page and scrolling down to the topics you want to investigate. Please feel free to post as much as you wish here. We are listening.

Mary

Pete66 · ‎05-06-2020

I think you have too much going on in your life
Mother, uni student, work and probably homemaker
Maybe defer uni for a couple of years , or find a job with less hours . Talk to your partner and see if he can take on more homeduties

josh1245 · ‎05-06-2020

hey Seeta I would like to say welcome to this wonderful online community I'm pretty new too and I'm felt extremely welcome already. Firstly you should never feel disgusted for asking for help I'm extremely proud of you and inspired of your amazing strength in asking for help. secondly I urge you to take the steps to get out of your abusive relationship you are a amazing person and no one should feel scared in their own home, like pete66 has stated above me you have so much on your plate and your feeling extremely overwhelmed so maybe defer from uni for a bit and try to setup your life into a stress free loving environment so that's why I urge you to leave your abusive partner because they are damaging your health a partner is supposed to support the person they love not put them down so I believe in order for the sake of your health you need to get out of that negative environment.

living_experience · ‎09-06-2020

Hi Seeta....what you are describing is very typical of how we feel when we are depressed...sleeplessness, self-criticism, anxiety, self-loathing and the lack of any joy. I know these feelings very well and have decided to get help. I believe my life will get better with support and change and I hope yours will too. I have an appointment on Monday and I'm really trying to hold it together until then. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. It is good you have shared your feelings here. There is lots of support available and I encourage you to contact 1800Respect, as suggested previously. It is great you have a good relationship with your psychologist. I hope it gives you some comfort knowing you are not alone and that we who experience depression are very familiar with the feelings you describe. I also hope that you will feel more comfortable sharing your feelings on this forum in the future.

Seeta · ‎09-06-2020

Thanks everyone for the comments, I really don’t feel alone on this forum. The reason I’m still continuing with my studies is because if I can make it, I’m about to graduate in 1-2 months time. With the abusive partner, I think he needs to be educated about the concept of mental health conditions and I’m taking steps to take him to see a counsellor so he can better understand how I feel. I don’t know where I am right now but I hope I feel better in the near future. I am tired of always being in my mind and of things looking so fake.

therising · ‎09-06-2020

Hi Seeta

You have an astounding level of natural intelligence. You're a truly inspirational person facing a lot of unnatural challenges

It's far from natural to lose both our parents so early in life
It should in no way whatsoever be a natural experience in life to face sexual abuse. We should naturally expect protection and care
It's far from natural, to rise to confidence and self love in a relationship that brings us down and deforms our way of thinking when we're trying to reform our self in positive ways
As kids, we should naturally be raised in an environment that promotes relaxation, activity and inspiration. The environment you were raised in sounds like it was an unnatural generator of anxiety and fear

And here you are, trying in so many ways to raise yourself beyond all that. You're one of the unsung heroes in life. You seek to educate yourself, you seek to educate your partner in understanding the mindset and chemistry in depression and anxiety, you've managed brilliantly to find guidance and support for yourself and you're raising a beautiful gift without a lot of reference as to how to raise her. You are raising everyone.

You mention 'I’m constantly told many negative things including that I am worthless, lazy, mental and that I have grown in hell. The only reason I’m here today is because of my daughter.' Truth is

You are far from worthless. You are amazing. If you were to become a speaker, going around giving inspiring talks about what it takes to raise yourself out of abuse and tragedy, there is no doubt you'd get a round of applause from every audience you speak to
I'd like to think you laze occasionally. You deserve to. It's good for our overall health, to give our self time out and do a bit of lazing. Also, in depression, it can definitely be hard to find the motivation to be on the go, due to an imbalance of chemistry. Anxiety can also prove pretty exhausting at times. Lot's of reasons for lazing but it doesn't make us lazy in a negative sense
Most folk who love the labels of mental, nuts, crazy and so on are seriously questionable folk when it comes to their behaviour. Observe them more. The 'sane' ones have some seriously questionable issues
You've raised yourself out of hell and you've met heaven on earth in your daughter, the most natural person you know

It's natural to occasionally take a step back and detach from the insanity of life. This is where reality shifts and you realise you've been the most sane person all along.

🙂

Seeta · ‎09-06-2020

Wow!!

All the comments I got made me feel so good about myself and I feel so relieved there are people who understand what we go through without even knowing us. But Thereising, you comment made my day and it gives me so much more energy and encouragement. Thank you so much 🙂

Seeta · ‎11-06-2020

I’m back in because the struggles have got really bad. I’m starting to have no emotions at all and have negative feelings and thoughts all the time. I don’t enjoy a single thing anymore and people are starting to look really scary to me. I feel like I’m not one of them. Nothing gives me hope. I feel really worthless and hopeless...