new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hi Mara!

Omg that brisket was amazing. 4th try. The first 3 were dismal failures but the dog loved them. This one worked. It was yum. I wonder if there's an "easy recipe" thread? I can feel one coming up lol.I bet you've got lots too.

I smile at parts of your posts too..... I cited connecting with you to my counsellor as really beautiful, 1 in a billion, so thank you for sharing so much of your life. It's a real privilege. I don't feel nearly as alone now.

But it's been a really hard weekend. Things completely out of kilter with bf. It seems we trigger each other atm. Awful. I'm out of communication for a few days so I can tackle some paperwork.

My counsellor helped me so much today. It's become clear what one major trigger is. It's a similar thing to what you went through for 13y - but looming. I just cannot cope thinking about it. Just made so many typos ughhh.

Have to ignore what I just typed.

My counsellor is concerned about me seeing both the Specialist Trauma Psych and her.
I get it but I'm more concerned NOT to tbh.
I made our next appt for 2 weeks. If I need to change it I will. She was happy with that. She could not believe we had that fugitives situation on our property last Wed. Well NEITHER can I. So rude lol, what a palaver.

I'm sure the Psych will say whatever she thinks about keeping my counsellor, and I'll be glad to hear her professional opinion lol 😉
That's tomorrow afternoon.

The psych at work told me not to write notes for our first session, but I probably will anyway.
Mainly because having varied & stuttered experiences of yuck stuff is REALLY hard to write about all at once. I can't do it. I'll have to use my own shorthand & a key just to shorten the time it takes to write.

I saw your chronological time line work. Brave lady! Well done 🙂
I do that in my mind all the time, so I get the dates right, but haven't dared write it down.
Too much 'exposure' if you know what I mean.

If it's only in my mind, I can push it away.

The push back is happening now. The most evil things are too much to face without someone trained with me, even though my beautiful babies went through it personally. I did too but that's completely different. I do my best to hold it together when they talk with me about it. I KNOW how critical this sharing is to them. So I am present.
Then have fallen apart afterwards outside their hearing. Last time I couldn't & just balled my eyes out in their arms with them crying too. So deeply sad.

Love
EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

Lovely to hear from you.

The brisket sounds delicious. Re: an “easy recipes” thread, not sure any of my recipes would be as appreciated as your brisket. Lol. Mind I do have a rocky road recipe that people rave about. But that’s about it. I can cook but being a perfectionist....... well I find it stressful, especially when cooking for other people.

Aww I’m touched by what you told your Counsellor. Our connecting was definitely a one in a billion chance. I am so grateful for our connection. It has helped me enormously knowing that there is someone else who understands what I’m experiencing. You’re the only other woman I have spoken to who understands what it’s like living with PTSD. I’ve spoken to men with PTSD but your the only other woman. I feel blessed to have our connection.

I’m sorry to hear that things are out of kilter with your BF. Truly hope things improve soon for you both. I’m can’t imagine that this separation due to Covid has helped.

I hope your new psych is ok with you seeing your other counsellor at the same time. Be interesting to hear what she says. I know years ago when I was having therapy the place I was going to wouldn’t see you if you were even in a support group, which was ridiculous. Mind that place caused me a lot damage, which may have been clearer to me if I had been able to speak to another professional.

You certainly didn’t need that palaver at the weekend. Thankfully it was handled by the police & the person wasn’t dangerous. When I think of all the possible scenarios that could have happened.... I’m just glad you and your family weren’t physically hurt. That said, you didn’t need the heightened flight & fright response.

I never use to write notes & the number of times I’d have appts and realise later that I forgot to discuss something really important. Given how much psych appts cost, now I write notes. I spend 5-10 mins at the beginning of the appt going through my report Lol, then I go from there. It works for me & gives my psych a clear picture on where I’m at.

I know exactly what you mean about the timeline. It has really messed with me since I joined the dots on Saturday. I’ll come out of it but I suspect not before my next session.

So can relate about not being able to face the evil things. You have been through so much, but I always think it’s so much more painful watching your babies going through pain. You are an amazingly strong, beautiful lady. Your babies are so lucky to have such a loving Mum.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Mara! What? Rocky road! lol starting the thread asap. I thought of a funny name... easy peasy recipeasies. My Counsellor would NOT be concerned I took leave if she knew that things of THAT type of importance, I DO ruminate over! lol.
Brisket you'll love it. Or H can make it. Easy peasy.

Connecting with you means more than words. No crying tonight lol. Hugs.

re: that counselling group
I'm not threatened AT ALL if my "clients" ask me, tell me, that they're getting more support... I ENCOURAGE them to! I ask if I can pass notes or help in ANY way to support these new relationships. I've pained over comments like "I don't know what I'd do without you.." etc. It stresses me that if something happened or I left, they would have lost their only support person. Bosses have asked me to teach others what I know, but until they've had my life, they can't KNOW. I said if I could plug a USB into my brain and suck out knowledge and delete experiences, then I'd do it. In my work, it can't be separated. Through experiences came empathy for me. It's often the missing ingredient.

I eagerly encourage people to become more "linked in" as the Police described it. The broader the net the less one falls, in hopes anyway. TBH no one, with pure intentions, would feel threatened at all. Don't we all want the BEST for others? Especially those we serve?
Some people just want to socially or professionally isolate others and this is a red flag for abuse.

BTW I've intuited the 'not smooth sailing' stuff. I made up a saying that I'm not sure will pass "Fffffamilies can be just another efff word" repeats intended.
IDK how you deal with that.
I will just say SNAP if I'm in tune. We can connect on that garbage any time you're willing. Not that there's a lot one can do.
Just keep on being yourself, consistently, patiently. Was my Counsellor's advice ages ago. It worked for the alienation part. I put up pretty solid boundaries for the other.

Bf stuff is all too hard atm. He's going nuts over reduced work / pay. Staying home more and family far from him there. Too hard. Oxygen masks on here first. I've tried earnestly with him but horse led to dam and not drinking (not WATER anyway). His choice. My circle of influence is in and around my home right now. He's smart in most ways.

Yes absolutely! I'm writing my report for my Psych lol. I've had the same issues and left sessions without bringing up a bug point. It's too expensive and too precious not to prep.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Lol love the name for your recipe thread. Let me know if you go ahead with the thread.

In my post on our other thread, I said I cracked up when I read about you potentially having time to ruminate. Snap! My psych always says I think too much Lol. But as you say, things of this importance need to be examined and thought through. That’s my opinion anyway.

Hugs to you too.

Empathy is so important. I’m sure your clients value that in you. I know that in my previous profession I didn’t hesitate to refer my clients to another modality if I thought it was in the clients best interest that they receive extra care. This was rare in my field. Most of my colleagues were wannabe gurus. I wasn’t. The client’s care was paramount to me. Consequently I respected my other associated professions. Reading your comments I can see you have the same beliefs. Another snap!

Oh definitely, fffffamilies another efff word. So apt a description.

Very sound advice from your counsellor. That’s all you can be yourself. When I’m going through tough times I just go one foot in front of the other. It might be small steps but I keep moving, believing I can have a better life. I/ we deserve peace. The only way to get there is to work through the pain. Avoiding it isn’t healthy. Trust me, that’s another lesson I learnt long ago.

You are so right. There is little you can do for the BF atm and your focus needs to be on you and your family. I like your analogy of the oxygen mask. I’ll have to use that one.

Good for you. I’m sure writing things down will be a benefit for you, especially initially. I’m sure your new psych will tell you if she doesn’t want you to do that but at least you will have given her an overview. It’s so important that they know what your dealing with.

Well I’m off to make a cuppa.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear Mara

Sorry I didn't respond to the "group counselling" abuse stuff.... I blocked it out, went to bed, slept immediately and woke to my alarm. I'm so sorry they were so abusive to you. In NO way does anyone deserve that treatment, ever.

Sometimes these "professionals" do far more harm than good. Nearly lost everything. Can't expand much atm. Snap.

But I DID go back and pay for a session and told this 'highly qualified' - boy did she harp on THAT a lot, thing, EVERY single way in which she harmed me. Adroitly. Calmly. How dare she allow herself to be an active instrument for an abuser. Up to that point anyway. The waves kept rippling.

You know what?
We DO and can expect abusers to be abusive. They stay true to form. Usually forever and a day.

But PROFESSIONALS, no.
There is something fundamentally WRONG about those in the MH industry who abuse the patients / clients.

The SA you suffered, I'm sorry that happened to you too. It surpasses belief that anyone held you in any way responsible for that. But to be abused within a GROUP setting with overseers over that, is compounded abuse no one deserves. I'll be honest. The Police and Social Workers were amazing supporting us and had more compassion and professionalism in their little finger nail than the lot you suffered. Police yes. Courts no.

After a big corruption clear out here a while back, now I'm proud of our police force here at least. Only met 1 who should be sacked and change careers. Yeah, reported her lol.

But I'm done reporting now. I UNDER reported and ended up in boiling water.

Getting ready for psych.
EM

[Mara56]

Hi Em,

Yes another snap. I also went back to the facilitators of both those groups. One a clinic psych, who I might add also worked for the sexual assualt referral centre, she ran the group where the other member attacked me. She said, they hadn't realised I had PTSD. She kind of apologised. I certainly felt better in my discussion with her. The other counsellor, she avoided meeting me for months and only agreed after my son died. She insisted on her counsellor being present and mine as well. Talk about over kill. Anyway, she would not own what she said. Claimed it didn't sound true to her. She was the one that ended looking like idiot in front of 2 professionals she respected. Still angry at her but short of taking legal action there isn't a whole lot more I can do.

I can't tell you how many therapists I saw and they didn't pick up the PTSD. I don't know how they hell they missed it. I had been a DV, SA, I'd been R, and so much more, it's baffling to me that they didn't pick it up.

I agree, MH professionals should be held to a higher standard. They certainly should not be abusing or allowing their clients to be abused whilst they are in a therapy situation. It still makes my blood boil.

Good for you for reporting the police officer. They are suppose to protect us, especially when we have been abused. Glad you had a good experience with the other Police and Social Workers you dealt with. Good to hear that things are changing.

Lol another snap! I have reported so many people, especially Drs, long story which I won't go into. My focus now is on me and my process. Tired of trying to sort out the world.

I hope the psych appt goes well.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Hi Mara,

I'm glad you got to 'confront' those people. At least you had opportunity for in person feedback. We may not always get the just response, but it helps to give some closure & arrive at an end point for us.

Yes, I'm surprised no one ever mentioned PTSD in all those years. All I can intuit is that labelling of the condition may have been for a more narrow set of people in the minds of those diagnosing, especially decades ago. IE pointing towards returned soldiers etc?

Come to think of it, the first time it was mentioned to me was only about 4y ago. Then thick and fast. Basically I was unable to hide in denial anymore.

I guess we can do broad generalisations of entire professions with a sample of 2 patients lol. Whatevs lol. We can & we will.

The Specialist Trauma Psych (STP) is a Dr. She's affiliated with a major Uni and I understand she undertakes research. Anyway we kind of gelled I thought at the time but when I was talking to a close work colleague tonight (yeah some probs at work already)… I realized that many people haven't trusted that I was being honest with them. My Counsellor of c3-4y knows I am. But my lawyer & one Barrister didn't for the first 4 months or so. Then one day my Lawyer said she didn't believe me at first. But she took data lol! She took 5 points & found various angles to question me on the same points. After that, BAM she knew I wasn't lying. BTW I WASN'T actually lying either. They both said that my story was the same from every angle and yeah it was because it was all true.

I told them I would never lie to them because the TRUTH was impossible to believe.

A thing that has been repeatedly told to me by people in all sectors is "You don't present as a (DV abuse victim, PTSD sufferer etc)". Stellar career, home owner, not alcoholic, not substance abuser, long term stable friendships, own chickens? IDK etc. But what the.....?

So I don't present, I'm telling the truth, so isn't it about TIME that the M.O. of 'us' changed?

Can't their RESEARCH be IDK …. UPDATED?

I think in my first session, the STP thinks I'm lying / trying to deceive her. oh dear.
She said "I want you to be HONEST" a few times. I WAS being honest ALREADY.

This will need to be dealt with. She's making weekly appts for me and is going into the clinic just for me atm. She wants to SEE me lol. Ringings of the last psych saying "blah blah blah and I can TELL when someone's lying to me & exH is NOT lying" but he was a psychopath & he fooled you too.
XXEM

[ecomama]

Update: First appt
Yesterday was my first STP appt via phone. I felt ok during the appt but BOY has she given me some homework to do. Plus an email I have to IDK read, check and some type of Psychological Questionnaires. Again.
I'm not doing email today. I'm not ready for it. I'll do the email when I can have a friend on the phone, not ask, just be there. Emails like that do destabilise me and I need a co-regulator.

The homework is... I have to write everything I've used as a strategy to help me cope. Like everything? lol really? This will be a BOOK with CHAPTERS. dear me.

And she wants me to be honest...crikeys.
OFCOURSE I'm going to be and already have been 100% honest.
I don't want to her to 'fix' a made up version of me.
I want her to fix ME.

I am BEYOND ready to expose it all in one place to one person who can help me, I hope.
My Counsellor knows everything I could possibly think to tell someone lol. I haven't hidden anything from her, so I'm not doing it with the STP either.

I told STP about the feedback from 3 psychs that I had been dissociating and THAT'S what brought me to her.
When I explained why they said that to me, because I had asked them. It was the same reason. The language I used to describe past events and one in person psych saw me dissociate a few times. I described that.

Silence.
Then a rapid bang, bang, bang, of homework, weekly appointments, in person, assessments etc.

I cried a lot afterwards and this morning. Just feeling so sad. After so much unhappiness in my life, I really wanted to be happy. I'm going to call a friend. My darling, long suffering friends.

The clinic phoned this morning to book the appts but were told fortnightly, ok, fine lol. Next one in 2 weeks. I probably need that much time to do my homework lol!
Then weekly for ages.

Feeling like the hard graft has started in another vein.

NB: Immersion therapy is OUT and I had no idea I was doing it anyway before my Counsellor told me I was lol! She described it, so it's out and I'll actually enjoy avoiding it, WHEREVER I can.
But then email is immersion.

I have a beautiful Asian soup cooking and I had to immerse to cook it! I watched cartoons on the big TV as a funny distraction as a strategy, so that's going on the list right now lol.

EM

[Mara56]

Hi Em,

You are so right about PTSD only being linked previously to soldiers etc. When I started doing research on it years ago, I think it was in the mid-late 80's that psychologists started identifying PTSD is SA survivors. But even then, a lot of professionals didn't recognise it. My experience is the perfect example of that.

I am so sorry to hear of your experience with your Solicitor and Barrister. It is hard enough dealing with what you were dealing with without having to convince your legal team that you are telling them the truth. You would think with the awareness around DV they would be more inclined to believe the woman. It saddens me to know that this still goes on and that was your experience.

I can totally relate to not have the right look for a victim. I've had the same problem as you. I have also had a successful career, raised a family in a loving environment, home owner, no drug or alcohol addiction. And despite me telling me professionals exactly where I'm at. Often I am not believed. The prime example of that for me was at my son's funeral. The clinic psych I confronted attended the funeral. I conducted my son's funeral and in the Eulogy I talked about his health throughout his life. Both my sons have a medical condition which resulted in them spending an enormous amount of their childhood in hospital. I was seeing that psych during that time. I remember often telling her how stressed and exhausted I was, that I was drowning. There were times when I had them both in hospital on different wards. This psych came up to me at the funeral and said she had no idea he had been that sick when he was younger. I was shocked, I thought are you for real, I told her repeatedly but clearly I looked like I was coping when I barely hanging together. That in itself is typical of PTSD. People with it often appear to be in control when they feel anything but. It is frustrating to me that they haven't update the MO as you said. If they did, then maybe more people would get the help they need.

I'm going to run out of characters so I'll continue in another post.

Mara

[Mara56]

Me again, Lol.

I hope the STP realises fairly quickly that you are telling the truth. Hopefully all these quizzes etc she has you doing will confirm that. I just think when you see these professionals they should trust that your telling the truth until there is evidence to the contrary.

I can appreciate how destabilising the email could be and think it is a good plan having a friend on the phone while you do it.

I've been experiencing some destabilisation myself. Ever since my last appt with my psych. Then earlier this week a medical issue presented which does every time I deal with the SA. My body frustrates the hell out of me. There is no doubt that my past traumas have impacted my health. Every time I try to deal with stuff I get sick or I need surgery. I tried to get an appt with my GP but she's primarily doing telehealth so I couldn't see her for a fortnight. After a day of disassociation due to feeling helpless in relation to separating my health from the trauma. I honestly emotionally don't need anymore surgery, I decided to be proactive. I made an appt to see another GP in the practice, at the same time I contacted the specialist that I have previously seen for this problem and booked an appt. My GP could have handled it but I didn't want to wait that long. So now I have an appt with the other GP on Tuesday, and the specialist the week after. Both appts are before I could have seen my GP. Feel so much better after doing that.

Weekly appts definitely sounds good, especially if you are doing EMDR. I am struggling at the minute with fortnightly. We start EMDR again next week. I honestly think that you need a session within a week of an EMDR session.

I am sending you such a big cyberhug. I hope the crying was healing. So glad you have loving, supportive friends you can reach out to. It is terrible that you have had to experience so much pain in your life. I truly hope that you get to experience happiness after some sessions with this STP. That is my wish for you.

I can understand you not realising that you were doing immersion therapy. I think when you're a driven person, you just want to sort it and you through yourself into everything in the hope that that will fix it. At least that's been my experience.

Yum Asian soup. Enjoy. Watch cartoons is a healthy strategy I think, better than eating chocolate which is my strategy for distraction. Lol.

Mara