new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Mara56]

Dear Croix,

So much wisdom in your post. Tears and healing make so much sense to me. The work I’ve been doing with my psych over the past few weeks has been the most productive work I have done. I can feel myself slowly starting to heal. I don’t think I’ll ever be one to dissolve into tears at the drop a hat that said I did manage to shed a few today. Little steps in the right direction.

Acceptance - I hope to get there. Forgiveness is another thing entirely. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive them for what they did to me.

Thank you again for your wisdom, wise Walrus.

Take care

Mara

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

I can understand you not telling your work colleagues. Some times it’s easier not to say anything than try to explain what happened and the subsequent emotional toll on yourself and your family. I can certainly understand you telling your boss and your supervisor, it sounds like something I would do.

I wouldn’t stress about the possibility of going to Court. I’m sure they’ll be happy enough with the CCTV footage.

Lol it certainly sounds like you’re going to be very busy during your leave. I hope you get time to rest. In relation to self care, one things I do is take a long hot bath (against Drs advice I might add) I put some music on lay back and meditate. I feel so much better afterwards. Not sure if you have a bath, if you do, I can highly recommend it for relaxation.

Take care

Mara

[ecomama]

Hi Mara

OH YES I DO HAVE A BATH omg I love it lol. snap. If I didn't have one, I would put one in the garden lol, maybe with a log fire under it to warm the water.
I'm a 'bath' person. I treat myself once each weekend. Put Epsom salts in a hot bath or these other fandangly salts my eldest daughter bought me, rich in magnesium or something. If I'm particularly achey, I use a magnesium spray on my body and rub it in.

I forgot to say in our other loungeroom lol... the other thread, that my friend who told me about organic tomatoes not being so offensive to my system, also gave me magnesium and calcium tablets. Horse tablets I call them, they were huge. I took 8 each morning. This was so I could walk again. I was told that I wouldn't be able to and that a wheelchair was my only option. Arthritis was diagnosed. About 10y years after that, xrays showed a broken back.

I don't have arthritis eye roll. Well not anymore lol. The fracture though was indisputable, as clear as day to see. It was a very old injury.
I slip discs all the time. Pretty par for the course really. Those hypnotherapy tools I learnt to allay pain come in handy a lot!

All good, I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah.... and wheelbarrowing and occasionally chainsawing and my chiro is now becoming quite horrified but hey... why not? He had no choice last time but to give me exercises to strengthen everything so I could chainsaw again, after injuring myself again or still IDK. I do the exercises like a good patient lol. I'll be chainsawing 3 months earlier because I can. I pay for it but I can't sit still for long, so there it is.

I also treat myself to comedy shows and actually laugh now. A few months back I was incapable of laughing. I treat comedy shows like daily medicine.

Lovely talking with you again. 1 day till my leave starts! yay.
EM

[Mara56]

Hi Em,

When I read your posts I can't help but smile. We have so much in common. Lol. Epsom salt baths is something I use to recommend to my clients all the time. It is something athletes do to aid recovery. I often use to run an Epsom salt bath for my boys when they were younger. Magnesium is very good for muscle tension and so many other things. I've taken it for years. I use to use a magnesium spray but now use an arthritis cream. I wish I could give you the name of it but don't want to breach the community rules. I saw it on Today Tonight a couple of years ago and decided to give it a try. It is the best thing I have ever used on my joints. I have cervical spondylosis also have it in my lumbar spine. Arthritis in my knees and hip and throughout the rest of my spine. I had a hip replacement (which triggered the eighteen months of PTSD nightmare that I'm dealing with at the moment). I had a massive tear in the Glut medius tendon which caused the arthritis in that hip. I've also had a rotator cuff repair and shoulder reconstruction (pain wise that was the worse) Because I can't take pain relief this cream has been such a bonus. I've recommended to some friends and they now swear by it too.

Feel for you having had a broken back. At the same time in so much admiration of your strength. Listening to you wheelbarrowing etc. We really are peas in a pod.

I love a good comedy show. We watch a lot of drama but in the last hour, before we go to bed, I always insist on watching a comedy show. Laughter as you say, truly is medicine. Certainly I know having a sense of humour is the only way I got through 13 years of caring for my parents.

Well lovely lady, truly hope your last day goes quickly and easily. Yeah to leave starting tomorrow.

Take care

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear Mara, what a lot of things we have in common, amazing really.

I'm glad you've found all those minerals (?) helpful, yes I laugh too at your posts, and think wow! snap.
2 of my boys had aching leg syndrome and it was horrible for them, I ran Epsom salts baths for them all the time, thankfully it's their habit now if they feel achey. Their aching leg syndrome was relieved by our chiropractor & he recommended a specific angled shoe insert under their heels in their shoes. No walking on cement or tiles without shoes on. Walking barefoot in the garden every day and / or on sand. They were part of a twins study on this.

They haven't suffered for well over a decade now from aching leg syndrome.

Apparently I don't have arthritis after all. A misdiagnosis. It was the fracture in my back that caused major issues in other joints. But only the joints were xrayed, not my back at the time and for a long time. If I hadn't found this particular chiro, then I'd probably be in a wheelchair.

Come to think of it, my eldest daughter spoke with me about my fears of seeing a Specialist Trauma Psych.
She said to think of it like how I think of seeing my chiro. I can do that now.
But moreover the concept of being physically unwell and needing a GP, or other health support then (hopefully) we get well.
We feel feelings we're not comfortable with for _________ amount of time, we seek counselling and hopefully get well.

There are parallels here. Then a counsellor at work said to me that I needed the helplines to co-regulate.
I needed to do this before I could self-regulate. I KNEW this in my studies but could not see it in myself.

A lot of learning / relearning / rewiring is soaked up by us in counselling if we're open to it, and moreso if we master these skills, like an athlete training. With complex MH issues, it's not that simplistic, I'm sure.

I do think I'll need MH support for the long term, possibly for the rest of my life and today I'm okay with that.
I'll have to do many exercises and see my chiro for the long term too. Pretty much the same thing.

Co-regulation and correction for both. I think my garden needs a total lobotomy! lol. Needs more than co-regulation lol.

Cute news is that my eldest daughter found out last night that her best friend, S, sees MY Psych!
S loves her lol, she even said that she thinks EVERYONE should see her. Nice feedback.

Love
EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

I can’t believe this, my boys had issues with their feet which caused problems with their legs, joints and back. They wore orthotics in the shoes for years. Another snap. Lol.

So glad you found your chiro and he was able identify the fracture in your back. I don’t have a lot of trust in Drs. I’ve had far too many mis-diagnosis‘ in the past. Glad you trusted your instincts and saw the chiro.

I love your daughter’s analogy. It’s very similar to one I use but definitely more apt. I always said if your car broke down you’d take it to a mechanic, shouldn’t your MH or marriage be as important? I’ve also compared it to diabetes. A diabetic would seek help and take the required medication, if you need medication for your MH then its as important as insulin to a diabetic.

I like you, think I’ll be in therapy for the rest of my life. That said, I’m confident that once I get through this period of therapy, I’ll be able to reduce my sessions greatly. That’s my goal.

Aww that’s lovely feedback from S. I’m sure you’ll connect to your new therapist. And I have no doubt that your ongoing commitment to your MH will hold you in good stead.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Thankyou Mara,

That's so coincidental about our boys. Snapping going everywhere lol.

I just have to share something. I found out last night so it's new info. My children had a 'law abiding' gathering here last night. All good, they're really great kids. They have grown and changed SO MUCH since I haven't seen them for months. Beautiful kids.

One darling girl came, C. I had heard her mum was sick, so I asked after her mum's health. I had to push for more of the full story but C told me. Her mum has stomach cancer. She's a single mum. C is the only child. Estranged from her dad.

I was in shock. I didn't ask the appropriate questions; has mum got any support from other family?

Ringings of what happened to eldest daughter's amazing friend, L, when they were teens. The dad ended up asking if L could live with us. She was wild and I couldn't do it. I didn't trust exH so, I'm sure she avoided horrible situations. She stayed here a lot anyway. That was all I could do. Love her through this. We all still do but she is doing okay work wise.

First thoughts this morning were.. ring this mum.... ring another 'healing' mum... we're not close friends so I decided not to.

I just let L know that we're here if she needs us. I feel somewhat better now. I already said that last night, apparently, so that's good.

I can feel myself still being a little "heightened" from the events here with police in the middle of the night.
Instead of taking action straight away, I just need to breathe and be present and do a check in with myself.
Mentally my vigilant state was enacted to "protect" and hasn't left yet.
Some weird feedback is that my youngest daughter was correct, the lady was, in fact, a victim. She was released without charge.

So, being present involves doing the laundry lol. Lots to do!

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter’s friends’ mother.

What a beautiful, compassionate woman you are to ring this Mum. I’m sure your call meant a lot to her and to her daughter C. Cancer of the stomach is one of the worst types of cancer. My heart goes out to the Mum & C.

So glad your kids got to have a get together last night. This lockdown has been tough on everyone. I’m sure it was good for their souls to catch up with their friends.

I can understand how this situation would resonate with when L loss her Mum. I’m glad she is still in touch with your family. Whilst she didn’t live with you, I am sure your positivity and kindness touched her.

I’m not surprised that you’re still in a heightened state. I know that ‘flight/fright’ response really well. I’m sure it will take a couple of days to settle down but I’m sure it will settle. If not, thankfully you have your session next week. Your plan to breathe and be present iswow

Wow! How insightful was your daughter? She is obviously very switched on.

Lol! The never ending laundry basket. Hope you managed to do something nurturing for you today.

Take care

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear Mara

I believe we share a similar heritage, and I with your H too. I was / am a family history lover. Nuff said.

YEAH I want to scream about where my bf lives. And he THINKS I would ever want to live there, REALLY?
Nope. No way in high heaven, ever. My bf thinks there's a gray area there to work with lol 😉
I'm certain that my PTSD was triggered alot by the situation HE was in. And knowing whom he voted for (allow me to scream very loudly again lol) I hold him partially responsible. lol. Only joking. Whatever.

I cut down our calls to only weekends. It's really helped my MH doing that. Not his, but Oxygen mask on self first. Anyway in all other ways he's a darling lol. Extremely chivalrous which is quite an experience. Totally romantic which is very sweet. It's going to be years before we see each other again. I'm ok with that now, some things are out of our control and I can't afford to worry about that too lol.

I did what you said and got a notebook for my Specialist Trauma psych sessions.
It has sections so I can use one section for my counselling sessions.
Now to write some stuff lol. I already filled in a huge online Questionnaire which took me about an hour.
My psych friend told me to ask her to get my counsellor's notes, to save session time, so I'll ask her if she wants these. Plus another psych I work with, also works with my ST psych. I'm fine with them talking too. The more the better lol. It's difficult to put decades on paper.

Anyway I'm cooking a brisket tomorrow under my bfs guidance, kind of. I'll do what I want anyway but it appears I'm gathering quite the tribe for a Sunday afternoon dinner.... without me inviting them lol. All good. I bought extra potatoes!

Big hugs
EM

[Mara56]

Hi Em,

Another snap, I started delving into some family history in recent years. So many secrets in my family, love digging them out. Lol.

Oh dear, I feel your frustration. Lol. Many intelligent people voted for him, it's baffling to me but those who love this leader, think he's God's gift. I just hope they vote him out at the next election. For that country and the world's sake.

Your partner sounds lovely. You certainly deserve a good person after what you've been through. I truly hope you don't have to wait years to see each other again. Hopefully this Covid 19 business will eventually settle. They have the greatest minds in the world working on a vaccination. I have to believe that one will be discovered and life will return to some semblance of normal. I know I am honestly missing hugging my son and grandchildren and also my friends.

You sound so much like me, it's funny. I smiled when I read about the notebook you bought. I find writing my 'fortnightly report' as I call it, really helpful. It keeps me on track, lets my Psych know exactly where I'm at. And it helps me make sure I cover everything because I honestly can't trust my memory.

Excellent idea getting your counsellor's notes as well as your other psych's notes. It will definitely help your new psych get a clearer picture of your past traumas and the work you have done previously.

Brisket, yum. So much more exciting than dinner at our house. Lol. I'm on my own today. My DH is over at his daughter's helping her hubby do some work at their house. Thought I might head to the shops for a while, then I might shout myself a coffee. I enjoy the solitude. Pretty sure I'm a hermit at heart. Lol.

So glad you have extra potatoes, it would be a disaster to run out. Lol.

Have a wonderful day today, Em.

Big hugs right back at you.

Mara