new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Oh, I can breathe at the other end of the house, EM, no need to go out in the cold. 😉 I can see the funny side.

You've said enough about BF's family for me to know he needed an outside influence to help him see that expressing himself with kindness and compassion is okay. I understand how hard it is for you both being apart so long. But we love who we love. Those who know loyalty like we do will endure a lot to nurture that. Here's hoping BF can be with you here.

Sorry you couldn't get an apt. until Friday. Get all the rest you can. Hope some of those chemist products are of use.

I understand your anger about all of those things, most especially about your children. You have raised them and done your best by them in some amazingly difficult circumstances. I understand your hurt, too. You've given everything for them. Good on P.son for not just going along with the group.

Was that test from 16 Personalities or a similar site, using the MBTI? I'm afraid you've stumbled on an area of interest for me. Setting aside the ACs reactions, I couldn't resist having a goosie at what the site had to say about the ISFJ (Protector or Defender). What I've read fits what I know about you pretty well. I don't know if you read any of it, but I found it pretty interesting. I also looked back over my own type, INTP (Logician or Thinker), and smiled to myself about how the friendship between you and I works in relation to those quite different roles. (Like P.son, I have a fancy for measuring everything. If you don't mind sharing, I'm curious about his personality type, too.)

Sorry, I know I get carried away on that topic. As for your kids brushing off your suggestion of attending therapy together as "irresponsible parenting", I'm gobsmacked. Seems like justifying their own unwillingness to do things in a way that allows for honesty on both sides and a bit of protection for yourself, too. I hope it's just fear of unveiling personal things in front of a stranger. However I've an inkling from things you've said that they might not be so amenable to you having boundaries - a mediated conversation takes away their room to undermine your boundaries. Just a thought. Anyway, as you say, it's their problem if they are unwilling.

Totally agree about M. Save your energy for people who treat you kindly.

Love,

Blue.

[ecomama]

haha Blue, you're like P.Son then? No surprises there, he's a gem. I'll get some info from him & let you know. Today they're celebrating their birthdays, friends over ALL DAY which is AWESOME! They all made sure they had the day off together. SO sweet! 
Funny thing, they didn't want the ACs over today. The other multiples weren't there on Friday night, just P.Son. 

My younger children, I think, are WAY more behind me & my "protective" decisions. In fact it was them who pushed me to get 100% custody of them. Then when I learnt of the disclosures? there wasn't a thing on earth that could've stopped me doing EVERYTHING within my power & beyond to protect them. 

The kids just know more. The ACs are more dismissive, think they know more, but they don't. Tbh I think it gives the ACs an excuse to keep a bad attitude, with no basis. This is leading me down a rabbit hole, reminding me of Court stuff so I'll stop there. 

I've asked P.Son for that info, stay tuned! 
He & I had a green link to each other. His to his sisters and his sisters (my daughters) to me were all red >> disaster lol. P.Son felt sad about that. He just smiled about our green link and said "of course" lol. 
Me to the ACs partners were green too, hence I don't mention them much here lol... we have beautiful relationships so far!

Um one of the new girlfriends (E) appears to have moved in downstairs. More back story there later. She's very sweet, hugs me whenever she sees me, really needs those hugs, darling girl. Another rescuer son. She's made a good choice. They both seem 100% comfortable which is wonderful. I'm fine with her moving in btw lol. She LOVES all the family so far. 
Alexa was quite cruel & abrupt about her first meeting with E. I was so taken aback that I couldn't respond. 
Thankfully after the 2nd meeting Alexa said she could've been mistaken. YAH!!! Not something anyone hears from Alexa, like ever. 

Got a PCR test today. Worse when I got home. Napped. Felt AWFUL when I woke up, add dizziness to the mix. Couldn't swallow. Dosed up, which took the edge off of all my symptoms. 
I think it's tonsillitis, never had it before and it just feels like the area that's affected. 
I also woke up with an almost conjunctivitis kind of thing, what next. I take that back lol. 

Thankful for a day off on Thursday, 
love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Keeping it brief, tonight, it's been a long and not exactly negative but difficult day. A lot of complex feelings to process. 

Happy birthday to your young ones, EM. Glad they are celebrating together, with their friends. 

Completely understand the bond your younger kids have with each other and their understanding of who you are and what you've been through. Of course they wanted your protection, and of course you gave it wholeheartedly. I won't comment re the ACs, you need time to process their bad behaviour.

Thanks, I'm curious to see what P.son comes back with. I've read websites, haven't used an app, but have found the MBTI useful and interesting. I've definitely found there are some personality types I get along with better than others, I guess you're seeing some truths in how yours works with some others, too.

Here's hoping E flourishes with your son and things go well for them. If you're happy with her moving in, then I'm happy. 

Fingers crossed the PCR comes back okay. As for the rest, it's sounding a bit like what happened to me some years back, a sinus infection that spread the love to my ears and eyes, they all got infected and I was a mess. Hopefully not that, you'd need a doctor well before Friday to get a handle on that. Hoping you can get this illness under control. You definitely shouldn't be working in yhst condition. Take care of yourself, friend. 

Blue.

PS Your lost message turned up. 

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, get your pen ready, mine was ISFJ & P.Son's was ISTJ. I don't understand it but P.Son is totally into it lol. Any feedback? 

I had to give up on the forums last night after my post. It wouldn't let me leave this page or I would lose the message, apparently. I went to bed. 

My Drs appt is straight after work on Friday, it was the earliest I could get. The population explosion here has made things quite manic with all services. No doubt it'll never catch up lol.. far more construction of high rises here now. It used to be country when I was young, it's categorised as a City now. ho hum. 

Dosing myself up is the only way I can get through. I have no sick leave left. Thankfully I DO have long service leave, starting Friday, not a day too soon! I've taken 2 weeks. BF wanted me to bank up my Leave for when he visits but I can't wait, so went against his wishes, grateful I did too. 

I do need time to process the ACs bad behaviours. It'll be FUN having them all over tomorrow night! They're coming for a family birthday party so their kids can be involved. We haven't invited the kids to the teen / young adult party on the long weekend, they don't even know it's happening lol. I need to keep it separated this way. You just never know when a teenager could get wayward and the protective mama in me reacts to suppress this. Not stuff kiddies need to see. 
It's been years since any of this muck has happened but my ruling is that preventative measures are ALWAYS better than curative lol!!! The boys have purposely left OFF some potential problem associates lol, I was quite surprised. GOOD FOR THEM. 

Yvette's trying to organise a Family Working Bee next week on their days off. Me thinks this is in reaction to me being cranky about the bs and feeling pretty over takers, no one giving. 
Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Short one again tonight, had a bunch of hospital business with LM and did it on a grand total of 3 hours' sleep. Sensory overload and need for brain space also maxed out. I'll have plenty of feedback for you on those personality types once rested.

Just the thought of all that partying at your place makes me want to curl up in a ball in a dark, quiet place. Hope you are okay with the ACs around after their shenanigans recently. Fair that you want some room to let teens be teens (and to intervene where necessary) without wee ones observing.

Good on Yvette for trying to rally some help for you in hard times. Glad to see some care coming back your way.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Oh Blue that's a lot to manage on a minus tank. I hope you can get more rest soon. I'll try to catch up on your threads to see what's been going on. 

The thought of all that partying lol, I hear you. It must just be something our family has always done. My grandparents were BIG on parties, great grand parents too. My mother the same, always for birthdays. 

I'm a natural extrovert. My introverted kids aren't extreme introverts and fall into the party schedule naturally too. We all look forward to them, as long as the weather behaves itself lol! 

It's POURING here today! Far less buckets required thankfully but still a problem sighhh. 

Re: the ACs. I've not spent much time ruminating over it, I've been too unwell lol. I DO think they've had a shock the kids didn't want them around on their actual birthday. The kids are coming into their own and I encourage them to grow strong individual thinking, so the ACs just have to cop it sweet or be left behind! 

ALL my kids are manning the store today on our Public Holiday today. The bosses took others OFF their shifts to put my kids ON. The bosses are sick to death of workers letting them down last minute with no excuses. 
They know my kids appreciate their jobs and turn UP! Funny thing, they have a Policy that siblings aren't on shifts together due to past in-fighting with siblings, but they notice mine all work together like a well oiled machine lol, as I tell them this is our AIM. Double pay! They're rapt. 

Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Very much a minus tank. Today isn't going how I would like. Small respite, feels like that may overturn on me at any moment. I expanded on where I'm at mostly on my main thread, a bit on the grief thread a while ago. Not all of the root causes, but brain isn't processing well enough to do that just now.

I can appreciate a party from time to time - absolutely not in my current state of mind, though. My family were very much the opposite of yours, hugely isolated in every conceivable way. Mum almost never entertained and kept everything very minimal and controlled if she did. She didn't believe in birthdays, either. Dad's idea of socialising was generally a sporting event or something to do with the museum.

Interesting you said "I"m a natural extrovert". Your personality type pegs you as an introvert (that's what the "I" is for). Bearing in mind that introversion doesn't necessarily mean you don't like people or company. What it means is that an introvert's energy is regained through time alone. That's me, I am heavily introverted.

More rain. It's supposed to be another year of La Nina (I dunno how to get the special character on the "n") - in effect, more rain this Spring and maybe also Summer. I never thought I'd say my yard was waterlogged, but it sure is right now. Glad it's not too many buckets out for you, I know that isn't problem over.

Understandable. Do you think the young ones not wanting the ACs there for their birthday was a bit of a wake-up call for them? Of course if their experiences are being invalidated by the ACs they are apt to pull away and go their own directions.

Ah yes, the public holiday. I'd completely forgotten about it until you said something. I get what you mean about unreliable staff, we have that problem at my work. Not surprised the bosses weren't pushing the rule of keeping siblings apart at work when your kids are the ones that turn up and get on with it, together or otherwise.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, Sorry to hear things weren't as you wished for them to be yesterday (I think).. will try to catch up on your threads over the next few days. I'm still very unwell. Saw a Dr after work. He did a throat, ear, breathing, blood pressure check. Now I have antibiotics for my throat and drum roll... an EAR INFECTION lol. All that talk about ears and vertigo! So ear drops for the 1st time in my life lol. Ahh throw it on the pile. Lungs and BP fine. 

I think Poodle has broken his leg, SADDDD. Have to call up the Vet again tomorrow for an Emergency appt. 2 sons + gf took the day off work to mind him. My shift now. The others had planned a HUGE day in the city with Alexa et al to go to a BOOKSHOP lol. If I can't get poodle in to our regular Vet then I'll have to take him to SASH, the millionaire's vet. I can't stand knowing he's in pain, gotta get him treatment asap. 

Yeah lol that's why I said "natural extrovert" >> how I was born & stayed for many decades. 
Not now. 
I CAN bring the extrovert out. Tho I prefer a quiet life lol. I've usually got many opportunities for interaction with so many people AT HOME, work has a crazy amount of interaction. 
I think the Courts experience and the senses of danger being alerted 24/7/366 for years was what made me become introverted. 
I tucked in and sought safety. 

Plus I've had a LOT to sort thru mentally, psychologically, family-wise and even physically - catching up with all our health appts, dental, eyes, etc. Then the HOUSE. Years of not doing anything but study Court docs, study Law, work and barely live. 

Not in a hurry to be "out there" any more. 

I finished Buddha! Could do more but what I've done is just enough I think. 
Love EMxxxx

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear ecomama, Blue and everyone….🤗..

Oh no, I felt saddened when I read about your little poodle might have a broken leg…I do hope you can get him into the Vet for X-rays and surgery…if needed…I can relate so much to how your feeling see him in pain….I do wish him the very best…

Sorry that your still unwell….a course of antibiotics hopefully will heal your throat and ear infections….I have one ear that can get infected quite easily…not much fun at all sweetheart…maybe you got a bit run down with all the longer hours you were putting in at work…

Now dear ecomama, is a great time, as well as, it’s very much needed for you to give yourself plenty of self care….A half hour to just sit in the sun, with a good book, a yummy snack and a thirst quenching drink…will I’m sure be very beneficial for both your body and soul….Please take care of you, they very best you can…

Sending you my love, hugs and care….you as well Dear Blue, and everyone else reading here.

Grandy..

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Fortunately things didn't go quite as pear shaped as I was starting to think they would, yesterday. I'm okay. Very tired, but okay.

Can't say I'm too surprised about you having various infections. Funny about the ear infection, speak of the devil I guess. Fortunately antibiotics typically work very quickly. Here's hoping you feel fighting fit again soon. I think you're on leave now? I wish for you to be well for as much of that as possible, so you can enjoy it and have some fun.

So sorry to hear about Poodle, poor little guy. Love that your boys (+ girlfriend) were willing to take time off to look after him. Yes, I agree, get him treatment as soon as possible. I know how you feel about not wanting your babies to be in pain.

Interesting concept, that a personality might not be static, given life experiences. Me, I've been through tonnes, but my basic characteristics have held up. I can't easily imagine anything else. Not that it seems at all unreasonable that you might want to burrow in and stay safe after your particular trials in life.

Yes, you've definitely had a lot to process, that requires time to reflect and learn and not have everyone in your ear. Managing the practical stuff you couldn't during the court years is another matter again, that can certainly influence your ability to be social. You just need a break to be able to deal with it all.

Oh cool, I was going to ask you how Buddha was going, you must have read my mind. So happy you've still been working on him. Doing anything artistic, it's easy to think there's more we could do. Knowing when to stop is half the battle. I bet he looks great, EM. Really happy to hear this. I hope you are inspired to other creative pursuits for the simple pleasure of them, the enjoyment you've had with Buddha really suits you.

Love,

Blue.

PS Kind thoughts and hugs to you too, Grandy. Thank you. 🙂