new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Dear Grandy, thankyou for popping in and writing your sweet message of support and LOVE. 

Oh it's horrible having poodle not being able to walk and do his poodle things. He gets about if he HAS to. He's lifting his right front paw up really high to bobble about. He wimpers some times. He knows we're taking care of him 24/7 but it's so sad I couldn't get him in to a Vet on Friday. So frustrating. 
Alexa gave me the number of her Vet, which I will phone after our Vet tomorrow morning. 

I'm really unwell. Yes I think you're spot on Grandy. Those mental hours at work for so many weeks totally took it out of me. I haven't mentioned here but on TOP of that for work, our Boss alerted the staff that so many of us were WAY behind on our Mandatory Courses YIKES! If we aren't compliant and up to date with these, they can basically tell us to leave the site (on no pay), go home, complete all the Courses, then return. 
There were 23 Courses! OMG, everyone was freaking out. 
We've been so understaffed with Govt mandates seeing people resign and leave. 

I "only" had to update 7 Courses but omg... one was 6 hours long. 
So that put even more pressure on me. There's more but I'll leave it there lol. 

I NEED time out so much. Won't get it yet with the stressors of needing to get poodle in to see a Vet. 
Apparently this antibiotic won't do as well as the one the Dr wanted to prescribe. He couldn't because I'm anaphylactic to that one lol. Feel like crap but have hope! 

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Dear Blue, yes the Personality Questionnaire we used, the one you're familiar with, asks lots of questions. The kids have done it before when younger and some of their things changed too. This changed our "lines" from green to red! Hahaha.. oh well they grow up. 
I noticed that some questions I thought "I used to be ___ but not now. NOW I'm more ____". 

A similar drastic change occurred in work place thing I had to complete over a few decades. It was across 4 quadrants. At first I was a spiky pointed diamond shape. Extreme, high scores in 2 opposite quadrants. Flat low scores in the other 2. Then over time it fattened up, eventually I measured as a full SQUARE. 
My Boss at the time said "that shows your learning! It works!"... not as stable as personality but yeah whatevs lol. 

Buddha is finished and on the balcony looking restful hahaha. 

The GP I saw wasn't too hopeful that this antibiotic would work. After one dose I was constipated! Oh yay... gotta work on that now. On top of the hundreds of Wattle trees flowering and shooting pollen out everywhere at work, they're RECARPETING 2 of the major buildings I work in. So I was in those rooms whilst furniture that hasn't been moved for decades was being moved. 
Dust is not my friend lol. 

I now have a cough that sounds like asthma. Cheeses, EARS and now this? 
Falling apart Blue. 

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: no trigger warnings yay! 

Feeling so unwell. Went to bed the moment the kids walked in from their day in the City. Handed poodle over to them. The GP I saw thinks I'll need to go back next week. At least now, I can have a Telehealth because I saw the GP today. 

The pressing need is for a Vet for darling poodle. He's coped well but clearly doesn't have a clue about what's going on. His anxiety kicked in and he began chewing on his other front paw last night, not the injured one. 
I have NO IDEA how this happened! So frustrating! 
Whatever care he needs, I'll do it. 

Not a restful beginning to my Leave but no choices there. 

Yvette was trying to get a Working Bee happening in the family for next Wed. Still could go ahead with some. 
This is in preparation for the multiples' birthday party happening on the long weekend. 

Instead the ACs are coming over for 1 -2 hours on Sunday! They're under the pump with thesis's due (yeah those are understandable excuses lol). 
I'm really grateful for ANY help, ANY time. But I doubt I'll be well enough to do much by Sunday. 

Yvette tried to write a PRIORITY list to get done. 
The multiples have done some work downstairs moving stuff about. 
I think they're concerned about it raining and us not being able to sit about in the Fire Pit area. 

I demand a clear night lol. 

Got a packed week ahead anyway. 
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Rescue Poodle (RP) UPDATE: 

Phoned early this morning and got a midday appt. 
Vet said RP has soft tissue damage and hopes it isn't tendon damage (me too!). 
He had an injection of anti inflammatory and same tablets for him until he can use his foot properly. 

Of course it doesn't end there. RP needs dental work, so is booked in for 2 week's time. Minimum $600 upwards. Wow that week is upwards of a $4000 week now. WITHOUT The party or presents even lol. 

Gosh. 
P.son chose HIS present, Mr Big Bucks there. It was $1200 ughhh. I said I'd contribute $400. So that's $400 EACH now. He wanted a FANCY Dashcam with all the bells and whistles. He can have that but only $400 of my money thanks. 

Luckily my savings challenge was doing okay until last week lol. 

RPs stuff today cost $239. Not even the Millionaire's Vet lol. 
Oh well, have pets will pay. 

RP is feeling pretty chippy now. The meds must've kicked in lol. 
So happy he's having the treatment he needs. This is such a relief. 

Hopefully a slow sleepy night tonight for me. I think that, then yeah something comes out of left field. 
Such is life! 

Love EMxxx

[mmMekitty]

Hi EM,

So sorry the dogs have veterinary problems to be dealt with - & so expensive! 

& you too, I hope the antibiotics you can have, are enough to clear those infections. Altering your diet, & getting lots more water & other liquid foods can help a lot with constipation. (But you know what, it's usually diarrhea that's the problem when using antibiotics) 

Got Buddha all painted! Yay!

I read back a little & see how under pressure from work you are, needing to do heaps of courses , even though the workload has been heavy on you & others. I'd like to know just when you are supposed to have had time to do all those courses. Are you not supposed to have a life outside work?

I guess, you will now not enjoy your break so much, just doing courses. 

Do you get the impression I'd be so very grumpy about it? Indeed, I would.

I hope the Birthday party goes well, like, please, no dramas! No bad weather, just a lot of fun. I'm not sure about people choosing their own gifts - how wold I get to surprise them?

To think a dash cam can cost over $1000 - I want to know just what all the bells & whistles are? Got me curious.

All my best, thoughts & hugzies,❤️s,

mmMekitty

[ecomama]

Hey Kitty, thanks for popping in & for your sweet messages too! lol. 

RP is happily "hanging out wid da boyz" downstairs so he MUST be feeling better. IDK how he can stand the fumes tbh...blerghhh the boys' friend bought over some fake grass in huge squares, then got some creative ideas to spray paint them as WALL ART lol. Not that I'm criticising their forms of "art" no, this mama doesn't do that lol. They actually look AWESOME! There's Snoopy asleep on his kennel and a HUGE flower but woah the fumes STINK. Even UPstairs. 
It'll be interesting to see where they want to HANG these ugh! So much for the Industrial Design decor I had in mind for downstairs lol. That looks to be OUT the windows (that aren't there yet lol). 

Re: the Courses. Are you ready to be proud? lol. I finished them ALL. I did my last one JUST in time to go on PAID leave (instead of the threats of unpaid leave immediately if they weren't completed - escorted off the site etc etc - pretty heavy stuff). 
I'm clear. 

But my health has been the cost of extremely long work hours for over a month. Horrible. 

Re: P.Son's dashcam with the lot... it has 2 cameras, front and back. Plus a panel for the centre console to have a new stereo with blue tooth and other bells. PLUS it all connects to an App on his phone 24/7. This means that at ANY time, day or night, he can pop open the App and see if anyone's around his car lol. WOW. 
Oh it also records. 
I think it cost him $1400 but needs to pay someone to install it all when it arrives, I guess that makes it more than $1400 then? 

Yeah feeling pretty ordinary tonight. Managed to get a lot more done this afternoon than usual. Still coming down from the stress of RPs leg issues, listening to him yelp ALL the way to the Vet's (a 40 minute drive), which left me with ringing ears. My poor old ear drums. 
He was relaxed on the way home, the little monkey. 

I was listening to Gabor Mate on YT - stuff to do with "triggers" which was really interesting and other FOO stuff, very informative and got my head thinking about my work lol... in a POSITIVE way. 

Nice to see you in the Cafe so often, LOVE your cooking! hahahaha

Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Another short one tonight, EM, I'm tired. Not bad tired for once. Day off appointments, I got stuck into the kitchen/dining/lounge area and got it all cleaned and safe for Mr Feisty to move back into his big cage. There are hints of smoke, mostly if we use the microwave, but it's almost completely gone. Hell of an undertaking getting that sorted out, now maybe I can get back to where I was, almost on top of house work and thinking about doing some proper cooking again finally. A lot of food I bought to cook got thrown out because I just couldn't fix the kitchen for use any faster. Not what we need.

People do say they have changes in personality type over time, I still can't fathom it from an experiential point of view. I've changed in subtle ways over the years, but my core is as solid as it's always been. Hm, yes, relationships between siblings sure can change as they grow up, I know that.

Great that Buddha is comfortably in his spot. As he should be.

Here's hoping those antibiotics do help you. I'm sure you're not delighted about the constipation. I hear you about dust and pollen, ol' Blue would be a snotty, wheezy nightmare in the midst of all that.

I'm glad you got Poodle in to see the vet today, and that he is responding well to treatment. Hopefully not a tendon injury. Sending gentle pats for Poodle.

Lost track of everything else written here, there's a lot. The general gist I'm getting is that you need some serious rest immediately. As do I. Gonna turn in.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, so glad you got a day off appointments, I know how draining on all levels that can be. Hope you got some good sleep last night. SUNDAY today yay, but in saying that we have a DRs appt for Yvette this morning, her stuff hasn't left yet. 

I AM that coughing, wheezing nightmare lol. Dealing with the delights of side effects as best I can lol. 

Yeah that smell takes AGES to leave, hearing you. 

Yeah I doubt my personality has changed at all but my preference for LARGE circles of people over almost none but my own family HAS changed. I think that's what that App measured by the nature of the questions and came to that conclusion. I've changed on all levels, possibly because my experiences were so dramatic with so much Police and Courts stuff. It's heavy dealing with that for years on end and a few times. 
I've always been one to confidently go ANY WHERE by myself, never needed friends to go somewhere with me, until all the Courts stuff when I needed a Support person AND Body Guards but that was then. I was in danger, took me a LONG time to get that through. 

Still I will go to the Costa talk by myself, so some things are back to normal lol. 

Poodle is doing a lot better now. Obviously he needed Vet intervention, he's not wimpering any more and can get about more confidently. He loved a good bark at midnight when the kids came home lol. 

Gotta get ready for Yvette's appt now, talk soon. 

Hope you have a nice Sunday Blue, 
Love EMxxxx

[mmMekitty]

😺Yes, I can be proud of you, EM. Moreover I'm happy you can have your paid leave, & don't have to be using the time doing courses.

Happier for dogs! 

I like the sound of the art on artificial grass. I'm just imagining a real doghouse, like Snoopy's, with the artwork on the outside, sides & roof!  Maybe one of your dogs could play at being Snoopy, perhaps sleeping on top, & Mr Feisty will have to learn how to imitate Woodstock mmmm, just a daydream?

Hope you find some quiet time to stretch out & have a rest, when you are not thinking about what needs to be done next. That goes for you, too, Blue

mmMekitty

[ecomama]

Hi Kitty, yeah that can be just a daydream lol. So far I've only seen TWO large pieces of grass Art lol. That's enough! 

I'm happy the kids are being creative though lol. 

Yes, I got the Courses done JUST in time. 

I'd like some time to stretch out and have a rest. Not quite happening yet. 
Alexa and her kids came over and all my kids here and I worked VERY hard in the back yard and in the downstairs porch area to get things looking nicer for the boys' party next weekend. 
It was a surprise Working Bee I wasn't quite prepared for, only found out yesterday. 

I thought it was all going on next Wednesday but they said it's ON TOP of a working bee Wednesday. 
There IS a lot to do, always so much to do. It's a massive garden down there, not to mention the front Potager Garden area and above that too up to the street. 

The kids did well using eco friendly cleaner on the porch downstairs and really enjoyed using the High Pressure Washer to do so lol. They even did the brick work AND paths in the garden. I'm impressed! 
I started on the front garden but all my chargers became flat pretty quickly and weren't charging up fast, as they don't. So I couldn't use my whipper snipper or leaf blower, it became all hard work after a hard work day all day. 

Tomorrow P.Son has his Safer Driver Course on all day. The kids and I will go with him, so he can drive his car on his Ls. Then visit a major shopping centre there so they can buy whatever they want lol. It'll probably be just me driving back to pick up P.Son. All good. 

HPOEFULLY a sleep in finally on Tuesday! Fingers crossed for that lol. 

Love EMxxxx