New - Here to meet new people

[Amy_J]

Hi all,

I am not quite sure what I am looking to find on here, but thought it might be nice to get to talk to other people in similar situations.

I am a 28yo female. I have been suffering from mental health issues for a very long time now, having times where everything seems fine, then having very low episodes that just seem to come out of no where.

My mother died of cancer when I was 12. I watched her deteriorate over a period of twelve months, and sat with her and watched her take her last breath. This is what led to my PTSD.

I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety and depression from that point in my life. At 18yo, my boss at the time, attempted to rape me. I fortunately got away from the situation before it progressed too far.

Later on in that year, I came out to my friends and family as a lesbian. I lost around 90% of my friends because of this, and family took quite a while to come around and accept me as who I am. My family are great with it now, and I have made some new friends who accept me.

I have recently been diagnosed with polycystic ovaries and endometriosis and have been dealing with immense pains that have been affecting my day to day life.

I have a lovely girlfriend who I know loves me, but I keep shutting her out because I don’t know if I can truly open up to her. She doesn’t seem to ever be affected by emotions, and doesn’t have much empathy for things she hasn’t experienced, so it’s hard to explain things to her.

I am currently in a really low state of mind, and I just can’t figure it all out. My girlfriend keeps just saying that it must all be because my hormones are playing up. But honestly, I just feel really depressed and alone.

A

[Amy_J]

Hi Soberlicious96,

Thank you for sending through those links, and also for sharing your experiences with AA. I think you are right about AA not being for me! But I would like to find something similar in support that could work for me.

This has truly been such a nice way to talk to people too though. So thank you for being there!

A

[Amy_J]

Hi bluehorseshoes,

Thank you for being so understanding!!

It is hard when you have a partner that you want to share everything with, but just can’t! I’ve told my partner that I have joined up to BB so that I can talk to other people. She is okay with this, and doesn’t push to get much information from me about what I’m talking about on here which is nice. But also hard at the same time because now I feel like I have secrets from her..

Hard balance to find I think.

Job searching anxiety is hard too. Especially when you feel like you would be great at a job that you’ve applied for, then get turned down after weeks of waiting without being told why. I understand that stress and anxiety of the unknown. I’m going through the same thing right now too!

Last week I said to myself, when the right job comes I will get it. If I apply for one and I get rejected, it was for a reason.. Hard thing to accept.. but I feel like if I don’t have this view sometimes, it is just too hard!

[Birdy77]

Dear Amy,

I wrote you a message a couple of days ago and then accidentally navigated away from my reply page and lost the whole thing ... it was long, so I was really disappointed - and I can't remember everything I said so I have to start again!

It's really nice to talk on the forums because you can say whatever it is you're feeling and you can know that people here will understand. Sharing our vulnerabilities is experiencing our shared humanity.

The other cool thing is that you can make friends here. Talking here does not mean that you have secrets from your girlfriend. It's like when you talk with a friend, it's ok that your girlfriend isn't always included in the conversation ... we all have to have separate friendships and relationships away from our partners, that is norman and natural, so please do not feel guilty about this. My partner likes hearing about little things I tell her from the forums, but she also encourages me to have this as an outlet of my own and she does not intrude on that.

You are going through a stressful time with job searching too - you have a lot on your plate at the moment.

I wish I could remember what I said in my other message.

Also to reiterate what bluehorsesshoes and soberlicious said, you are very welcome to join in anywhere on the forums, on whatever discussion takes your interest.

I hope you having a nice weekend.

🌻birdy

[bluehorseshoes]

Ditto Birdy, re' using this forum without any guilt. I felt the same initially but not anymore. Sometimes when I'm frustrated because my family doesn't fully understand how I'm struggling (and I give up trying to make them get it), it's useful for me to keep in mind that often the only way most people can really understand is if they're dealing with mental health issues themselves. And I wouldn't want my family to experience this... But of course that doesn't excuse any insensitive behavior.

Thank you Amy for sharing about your job search anxiety. I definitely can relate to your perspective of trying to look at it as though - if it's meant to be then you will get it. This is helpful. How do you decide what roles to apply for? Obviously you go for ones you're qualified for and have a shot at getting with your experience/skills, but lately I've also been visualizing myself in the role plus paying very close attention to what the responsibilities will be, to know whether or not I'd really be glad to hear back from a particular employer or if it's just applying for the sake of it. I really want my next role to be fulfilling and use my skills not just another job but feel like it could be a career.

Hope you hear back from an application soon - Bluey

[TheOwl]

Hey Amy, I get you. This is my first post. I saw yours and it resonated with the way I’m feeling at the moment.

One thing I can say is that seeking help and writing about this stuff is sometimes hard, but it works. And you’ve had a crazy life like me, but you’re still in there waiting to be happy. And that’s a good thing.

I have no idea what you must feel like but I’m up right now at 4 am and writing this because I can’t sleep. My partner is in another suburb with my kids. I’ve left because my triggers needed attention.

The PTSD thing took me by surprise like it does for most I guess. And I’ve just been diagnosed with complex PTSD. Today I finally realised how much work is in front of me. It’s going to be tough.

No one could ever understand what one has to go through to get this type of disorder. I see it as a blackness, a kind of mass that needs blasting apart so I can see what’s inside. Only then will I be able to put it under a microscope and focus in on it.

I’ve been feeling worse over the weekend. My wife has stopped talking to me because shes sick of hearing about it. That’s my take anyway. When I told her that I was told I had a form of complex PTSD which involved sexual humiliation, she proceeded to to tell me that I could never laugh at myself so it made sense.

My father killed my step mother. I was beat to a pulp in my childhood. But I know deep down that I’m a alright bloke because I’m recognising this. I think a lot of my family had this and they never saw it. It’s really sad. I actually think that fighting it isn’t good. I’m trying to break up with it. Like a bad relationship or something. I’ll love you but I’m not going to do that anymore. We have to find a new way.

It’s hard Amy. I can’t tell you how to feel or what to do, because I don’t know either! But what works for is to find people who do care and surround yourself with those people. They’ll listen along with a good therapist.

This weekend was hard for me, then I read a quote about how I can only control the present because anxiety is what happens when you live in the future.

Good luck Amy. I hope you find peace.

A

[Amy_J]

Hi TheOwl,

Thank you for your post. I am so sorry it took me so long to see it!! My depression has really been playing with me and I haven’t brought myself to look online until now.

You have had a crazy start to your life.. I think you are so strong to have gotten yourself to where you are. And for sharing your story.

I hope coming on here is able to help you. We are all here to listen and help each other!!

A