Narcissistic Mum

[Rowen13]

I have recently turned 50 and have been a carer for my narcissistic mum. She uses all the usual tricks, gaslighting, verbal abuse, isolating me, sabotaging etc.

My mental health has spiralled and after being a carer for 10 years, I feel depressed, anxious and suicidal. I suffer from childhood PTSD with physical and emotional abuse. We were also often starved as children and were never provided a stable loving or nurturing environment.

She is now 82, has two brain tumours and has fallen and hit her head twice. But after being repeatedly verbally abused in front of doctors and nurses, I broke down. I can't continue and often feel like the only way to be free is to take my life.

I am on a carer's payment so I take the abuse because I am scared of being homeless. I have no husband and was unable to have children. I have had a case manager assigned to me as I spiral further into my depression and suicidal ideation.

I have told her I can no longer be her carer, she is trying to guilt me. I have no self esteem and feel guilty for leaving my mum in the hospital. I have no support network, no friends, no income and feel so isolated and desolate. My life has passed and I my body goes in to panic mode as I am continually traumatised by her abuse. I feel so much shame and lost in life. 

I have no idea what to do, I will soon be homeless and I will be unable to make car repayments. I'm a scared little child at 50 years old and I long to close my eyes and never wake up. I wish I was never born. My depression and GAD has made me in to a coward and I am worthless.

[Rowen13]

Hello ER,

It's been such a hard day and I feel so tired. My mum doesn't change and she continues to treat me awfully, lies and manipulates. I worry for my mental health and wonder if my love for my mum is worth my sanity.

I wish I could afford a psychologist but most of the time I just wish I was never born. Whatever I do for my mum is never enough and it's like I was merely born to be used and abused by my family members.

I feel so heartbroken and there's never a day or rest. I wish I wasn't poor and could afford to break free. How long will this abuse continue and how much do I have to endure.

I'm sorry for my negative post. Life just feels painful and seems as though some people get happiness whilst others are meant to just suffer.  I dedicated a decade of my life to a narcissist who will never be nice to me. How much more of my life does she get. At 50, I have no savings but fear for my mental health if I continue to be her carer.

I hope you are well and thank you for your continued support. It's hard to make friends when your carer role takes over your whole life.

Sending hugs,

Rowen13 🙂

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Rowen13,

I think if you haven’t done one already, an ACAT assessment would be a really good idea. They can do things like come and care for your mum in the home and take her to appointments which would take pressure off you. If your mother doesn’t like the idea you might just have to be firm and state clearly you are protecting your own health. Speaking from experience at some point you have to draw a line to protect yourself. I am now living with a progressive autoimmune disease which I know without doubt was caused by years of ignoring myself and preferencing everyone else’s needs. There is a book on this topic that deals with this issue called When the Body Says No by Gabor Mate. At some point you have to step up for yourself and forget about the siblings who haven’t supported you and focus in on your needs as a priority.

Once you learn to fight for yourself, as I am now, things do begin to change. You begin to have a very different relationship with yourself and a weight begins to lift. I know it’s not easy because of your mum’s current health circumstances. But as you are the only person left supporting her, she might realise she has to get her act together somewhat if she is going to potentially lose you by treating you badly.

As I don’t know your mum personally it’s hard for me to know exactly what to do. As I mentioned, my mum had like a split personality so there was a kind person in there and she was not totally unreachable emotionally, so there were things I was able to do that had a positive impact/outcome some of the time, even though other times I got abused or her behaviour was just very difficult and stressful.

I have found getting in touch with healthy anger within myself really important. I have screamed in the car (when safe to do so), kicked a box around the house, thrown a cushion into the couch and screamed into the wind at the ocean. This has actually been pretty powerful and helped enact shifts within myself. It’s given me the strength to say no to my brother and to certain friends I had that were unhealthy non-reciprocal, exploitative relationships that were just repetitions of the dynamic with my mum. You can learn to stick up for and care for that inner child in you that hasn’t received the care that she should have.

As mentioned, there are potentially bulk-billed options for psychologists if you search for them. For me, working with my current psych has been instrumental in me making shifts within myself. I would definitely discuss options with the social worker and say how you need support.

Think of your inner child the way you would care and protect a child in the external world. We can be incredibly hard and cruel to ourselves. I know at first I cringed at the idea of being kind to myself. We tend to be abusive towards ourselves if this is how we’ve been treated growing up. But after a lifetime of it I am changing and learning self-care and you can too. There are even threads on this topic on this forum, such as three self-care things you’ve done today in the Staying Well Section. You can do it Rowen13!

Take good care,

ER

[Rowen13]

Hello ER,

Thank you for your continued advice and support. You have been super kind. I have been trying to take some kind of control over my life, it's still an uphill battle but I'm trying to stay positive.

I joined a free yoga class last Saturday, so that was one self care activity I did. I've been hit with the flu and am still fighting the darkness of my depression. I guess I still feel lost and overwhelmed. I'm trying to learn to self soothe my anxious attachment style by myself instead of chasing people to be in my life. But because I'm human, I can get quite lonely. 

I hope you have a great day and take special care of yourself too 🙂

Rowen13

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Rowen13,

It is totally understandable to be feeling lonely. When we haven’t had self-soothing modelled for us growing up, it really is a challenging thing to learn as an adult. I am definitely in process with it and improving at it, but I still fall into holes at times where my inner critic begins to have a field day. But then I see it happening and begin to find ways to counter it with kindness towards myself. It’s a shift that can happen but, yes, it’s not that easy to begin with.

It’s funny you’ve just posted as I’m driving home to my town today and about 20 minutes ago I thought of you before stopping for a break. Specifically I thought of the option of housesitting if you feel rent is going to be particularly hard in the future. I know someone who did housesitting/petsitting for a decade. She managed to save for a house deposit that way. There are some people who want someone to housesit their place for 6 months or more at a time. So I suddenly thought of that in relation to you. I know you have your cat, so it would need to be somewhere where they’re ok with you bringing your cat, but there may be people who are fine with that. There are a few different organisations that coordinate housesitting. Depending what you own you may have to put some things in storage, but that would still cost less than renting. Just a thought anyway.

Back in 2006 my situation looked very dire. I’d had a year of severe pain and had been off work all that time because of it. I was on a Centrelink payment with rent assistance. I got down to $1.23 in my bank account and could not buy food for several days until the next payment came in, so ate the porridge and toast I had. But I did claw my way back from there. I started doing an education assistant course at night part time. The fees were low, I think it cost about $200 from memory as they were trying to get more people into it. At the moment I know some of these courses are fully subsidised through TAFE as they are quite desperate to get people into these jobs. So I just thought I’d mention that there is the option of pursuing one of the subsidised courses out there, if there’s something you think you might like to do.

Again, it’s just a thought. What it did for me was quite amazing. Although it was so hard for me getting to the classes because of my pain levels, I would find time and time again that my pain would be reduced at the end of the evening classes. There was a sense of camaraderie with the other women doing the course and just that social interaction in itself was incredibly beneficial to me. I was fortunate to have good lecturers as well. As I started working as an education assistant I improved even more. Again I was still strongly medicated for pain, but it was so absorbing needing to be present with the kids and bit by bit my pain levels fell. By Feb 2008 I was able to fully come off one of the meds. I then gradually transitioned into some other work in library customer service roles which was a bit less demanding in certain ways, but also a bit less rewarding compared to working with the kids. But basically I found a way through a situation that seemed pretty dire. I also joined some singing groups and songwriting groups around this time and that was hugely beneficial to me too. Singing and music were so healing.

So there may be opportunities out there for you that may not only help you get by but actually be healing experiences. It’s wonderful you have found the free yoga class. I think it’s great to look to ways to reward/self-soothe yourself in daily life so that life feels less like a burden and more like something enjoyable. Even looking up things like free events in your local area online may give you some options of activities you can do. Some public libraries have things such as writer’s groups or book clubs that may be of interest and may be free or involve a small fee.

I’m sorry you have the flu right now and I really hope it gets better soon. Keep up the fluids and rest well 🙏🤗

Take care and hugs to you,

ER

[Rowen13]

Hello ER,

May I say, I just find you so inspirational and I am so glad that you came across my original post and also am eternally grateful that you share your life stories with me. It really gives me hope.

I would love to follow a path like yours, it seems so interesting. I like the idea of house sitting and further subsidised education. I know right now nursing is free and aged cared care but I have little interest in pursuing those sort of careers. The classes you did seem more to my liking lol. I actually always liked the idea of being a teacher's aid or a librarian. I couldn't have children of my own and my heart still breaks a bit. I wanted to be a mother so much, ever since I was a little girl, I was enamoured with babies and baby sat the tuckshop's lady 6 month old baby during my lunch break. 

I am trying to keep moving but yeah I get sad and lonely. Most times I feel trapped in an invisible coffin...like my life has passed me by and I misused all my time making mistake after mistake. 

I also miss my one friend and online person I have known for 15 months. I'm going to do a separate post about it, just to get it off my chest. Plus I have no friends irl to ask for advice.

Keep looking after your beautiful self 😊

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Rowen13,

I really wanted children too so I relate to the grief you describe. I have a friend in the city who is 10 years younger than me and has a little girl. I petsit for her mum and get to spend time with her and her daughter when I’m up there and I just love being with her little girl which really heals something in my heart. I agree with you that aged care and nursing may not be the best choices for you, because you’ve essentially being doing that work in a way. In early 2023 I almost started a job in the nursing home and hospice in this town. I realised my health wasn’t up to it and the woman in charge told me the very long shifts could not be broken up into smaller ones. She also openly told me the residents are very depressed. Given my own state and having spent several years that were relentless caring for my aging parents, I instinctively felt it would be really not a good option for my wellbeing. I’d really care about the residents but I was severely depleted and unwell myself. Given the exhausting care role you’ve been in, I think something like that may not be right for you either.

It is a bit different with kids - everything is new and fascinating for them at the beginning of life. There is a feeling of hope and wonder. Some of the work I did was challenging as I often worked with kids with a range of special needs, but it seemed to come naturally to me. I particularly felt a connection with the kids who have autism. Their worlds made a lot of sense to me. I knew how to be present with them in a calm way that wasn’t stressful for them. I was sensitive to their sensory needs as I have a lot of sensory sensitivity myself. I also struggle with sustained eye contact so I completely got that with them as well. It was at times exhausting and that was a factor in me shifting to the library work with my ongoing health issues, yet I always found working with the kids was the most rewarding work I ever did.

I can sense you are a caring person so whatever you do going forward you have much to offer and your presence in the world is really meaningful. Of course what is so important is being as caring to yourself as you have been to others and that is something I’m having to learn now. But it’s never too late to do that.

If you are going on jobseeker later as I mentioned before you can be with a disability employment agency if livibg with a mental or physical health condition. They can offer support in various ways such as with helping you get into work training or subsidising clothing for work. Back when I was doing my education assistant course they paid for good work shoes for me (back then it was the Commonwealth Rehab Service). You can do volunteer work in an area that interests you too, that may lead to work opportunities. If you find after a certain time you are not able to get back to work for health reasons you can apply for the DSP as I did the second time round as an unemployed person. It helps your application if you’ve been with the disability employment agency and shown you have done what you can to get into the workforce. I was supported also by reports from my GP and psychologist which is part of the process.

Sorry I’m writing a lot again! But I think what I’m trying to say is there are options. I would say follow your intuition. I did that with the education assistant course. While thinking about whether to do it, I woke from a dream that felt like wise guidance. In the dream I was walking into a room where you line up to apply for the course. An elderly man in about his 80s was also waiting there to apply for the course. He had a very kindly presence and was neatly dressed in formal casual clothes, as if to say I’m ready for work. He acknowledged me and I felt safe. On waking from that dream it felt like he was a manifestation of the archetype of the wise old man, giving me a sense of how to go forward. I followed that path then and it was definitely the right choice at that point in my life.

The sun is literally just rising where I am right now and it’s a beautiful morning. I hope you have a lovely day ☺️

Hugs,

ER