Narcissistic Mum

Rowen13

I have recently turned 50 and have been a carer for my narcissistic mum. She uses all the usual tricks, gaslighting, verbal abuse, isolating me, sabotaging etc.

My mental health has spiralled and after being a carer for 10 years, I feel depressed, anxious and suicidal. I suffer from childhood PTSD with physical and emotional abuse. We were also often starved as children and were never provided a stable loving or nurturing environment.

She is now 82, has two brain tumours and has fallen and hit her head twice. But after being repeatedly verbally abused in front of doctors and nurses, I broke down. I can't continue and often feel like the only way to be free is to take my life.

I am on a carer's payment so I take the abuse because I am scared of being homeless. I have no husband and was unable to have children. I have had a case manager assigned to me as I spiral further into my depression and suicidal ideation.

I have told her I can no longer be her carer, she is trying to guilt me. I have no self esteem and feel guilty for leaving my mum in the hospital. I have no support network, no friends, no income and feel so isolated and desolate. My life has passed and I my body goes in to panic mode as I am continually traumatised by her abuse. I feel so much shame and lost in life.

I have no idea what to do, I will soon be homeless and I will be unable to make car repayments. I'm a scared little child at 50 years old and I long to close my eyes and never wake up. I wish I was never born. My depression and GAD has made me in to a coward and I am worthless.

tranzcrybe

I have been following the conversation still, but my knowledge of menopause is beyond my capacity to comment; although I can understand how any additional health problems only sap energy and rob you of peace whenever you have a moment to yourself.

However, hopefully to lead you to some new thoughts away from your own projections for a tentative if not bleak future, it can be mentally productive to devote more of your time to your ailing mother - aside from those things you feel obligated to do (cooking, cleaning, medical attention, etc) - as it takes you away from worrying about things over which you have no control.

Simply spending time together over a cup of tea or going out for lunch, retracing the past where you grew up, or any fond memories you can summon from your own childhood experiences, can provide some (new) perspective on a life where admittedly mistakes were made and wrongs committed.

A chance to show compassion and forgiveness for expecting so much from you ultimately returns to the provider of such grace.

Trying to view the person behind the parent requires considerable effort and a willingness to let go of resentment, but these are the memories you will carry into the future as you find your new path - simple things like walking where you used to walk together, or just certain expressions and mannerisms can take on much significance when separated.

What once felt burdensome and painful can ultimately provide comfort and peace when you acknowledge that, despite everything, you did remain her carer for ten years under duress and personal struggle.

Of course, if you can arrange the necessary care placement for her, as suggested, then you may feel enlightened to pursue such reconciliation for the hurt you endured once freed of any encumbrance.

Naturally, there still are, and will be, things to be done which will no doubt demand your attention, so take the time to appreciate the here and now as your reward to yourself.

Things usually have a way of sorting themselves out naturally, so be attuned to the memories you wish to carry forward and make them a reality while you have the chance.

Although your siblings have been less than supportive, I would still recommend reaching out to them to present the facts of your mother's condition. In their own way they have suffered also, and this is an opportunity to show solidarity in giving them a chance to make their peace - it requires humbling oneself to show forgiveness without expectation.

Time heals and people change.

Perhaps it is time to put away those childish things to unleash all the good within yourself.

Someone out there deserves your attention.

Rowen13

Hello ER,

I loved hearing your story and I for one think you are amazing individual. My Nana was a narcissist and didn't love my mum at all, so my mum repeated the verbal and physically abusive pattern. Hurting people hurt people. And we are all victims of victims.

I have be programmed to think my sole purpose on earth was to look after my mum. Unfortunately I am well trained and have never been allowed the process to individuate from my mum. It is comes as naturally as breathing to put her needs and wants...her very happiness above my own. I don't even know who I am or how to adult and meet my own needs.

Survival in a abusive childhood led me to be a people pleaser with no self esteem, no boundaries and no courage to say no to anyone.

I wish I had a psychologist because I do believe with long term talk therapy I could learn how to like myself and retrain my brain to think in a more positive frame of mind. I don't want to be a victim or look for pity. I am not special and my pain is not more than anyone else's. Sometimes I just can't breathe through the amount of hatred I feel in my heart for myself.

I continue to hate and love my mum, which sets my heart to feel so guilty. My inner child is still traumatised and as such most of my decisions are made from a place of fear and loathing.

People on Lifeline tell me how strong I am and it just feels like well rehearsed lies. Something a kind person tells someone whose standing on the edge of the cliff so they don't jump.

I'm really just not strong enough, I want to be but I also want my depression and anxiety to go but it continues to increase and consume all areas of my life.

Eagle Ray

Dear Rowen13,

Your nanna sounds like mine, and yes hurt people hurt people. My nana took her own life when I was 20 and I realise that what was underlying her behaviour towards my mum, and then mum towards me, was a deep self-hatred and an inability to face her own vulnerability. People who can't face their own fears and vulnerabilities can attack vulnerability in others, especially others relatively powerless such as children. This negative energy can get passed down and then we find we are carrying this self-hate in us too. At the moment the issues I am working on with my psychologist are emergent, repressed anger, loneliness and self-loathing. I am now facing these things head on. What perhaps both of us have done is internalise these processes, whereas our mother and grandmother to some degree externalised it through abusive behaviour. I wish I could refer you to my psych but I know we can't do that here, but someone gentle and intuitive who understands these issues would be so good for you. What I really want you to know is that the self-hatred you describe is not yours to carry. It is a projection you've absorbed/inherited. What I am really learning to grasp is nothing is wrong with us. We are ok in this moment now but we have internalised ideas about us that are not real.

It is possible to build new neural pathways and for our nervous systems to heal. It is indeed a process but I am in that process now and I can feel the changes. I know you think you are not strong enough, but actually we are often much stronger than we realise and the way you have survived through being cast in the role you have, indicates that you've had to persevere through much difficulty. I know that really, really takes its toll and I've really felt that myself. But there is an extraordinary spirit underlying that perseverance. There is a kindness and compassion as well in that you've been there for your mum despite everything. That loyal spirit is something you can also direct to yourself and you can learn to fight for yourself and your own needs too.

I agree with what tranzcrybe is saying about making memories now with your mum as it is these memories we carry forward, and it is in this moment now that we are creating those memories. I also know this can be really challenging with the types of behaviour your mum might have. I took my mum on a road trip 2 months before she died. It did involve her having a panic attack at the beginning and having to cancel the first night of accommodation as she couldn't leave the house, but once we got going, although not the easiest of trips with her state of mind, it is something I am really glad we did. Other times it was super hard. About 2 weeks before she died I took her to a cafe. She got into a fight with the cafe workers who were such lovely people and I had to calm it down and sort things out. I don't know if your mum is like that, but it sounds like you may have had similar behaviour at the hospital. So I know it is so difficult and to be dealing with all that alone is extremely hard. That is why I keep coming back to self-kindness because it is exhausting and we need self-care more than ever at these times.

Essentially what I have learned about myself is that I have this part of myself that has always been an adult and never got to be a child. And then there is part of myself that is still the child that never got parented. This is the most confusing paradox and it sounds like you are living this reality too. There will be part of you that is hyper-competent that has always been taking responsibility for your mum and there will be the part that feels like the overwhelmed child. The challenge is allowing the hyper-responsible adult some space to let go of that intensity and allowing the overwhelmed child to be heard and cared for - and somehow bringing those states together into an integrated whole. It's not easy but it is a process I am finding can start to happen.

Sorry I just wrote so much. It is just really close to my heart because I relate so much to your situation. I think if you can kind of breathe into a space of radical acceptance that this is my mum, this is what she is like and these are the challenges, it can become easier and less a case of panic and more just being as present as you can be, with yourself and her. Somewhere in that space there can be some healing and gentleness and that is something to hold going forward. You have abided with her and you can abide with yourself too, with the two of you together as best you can.

Take care,

ER

Eagle Ray

Hi again Rowen13,

I did reply to you earlier but it didn’t appear as it went into the moderation system as words I used must have triggered it. It probably won’t appear until Monday now if it does. I probably wrote too much in it anyway.

But just wanted to say I relate so much to what you described. I was programmed in a similar way. There was a pattern of abuse/self-hate passed down from my nanna to my mum too. I’m actually working on the self-hate I internalised with my psych at the moment. These patterns really can be healed and I’m in that process now. I feel the fact you are even articulating these things shows your courage and that you are wanting a different path from that of your mother and nanna. You are already on that different path.

I understand the mixed feelings you have towards your mother. I know how confusing it is. I think the other paradox is we had to become an adult for our parent from a young age so we didn’t get to be a child in a way. But at the same time we are still like an overwhelmed child who was never parented. I’m in the process now of trying to bring these contradictions together into an integrated whole.

What may help right now is the radical acceptance of the situation as it is, that your mother is how she is and your history with her is what it is. And then looking to ways to connect in the most healing ways possible within the constraints of that. You can still create some good memories as tranzcrybe was saying. Although my mother continued to present challenging behaviours, I did manage to do some nice things with her in the last few months of her life. I am glad we were able to do those things. I don’t know what your mum is capable of with the brain tumours, but is there something peaceful you could do together that may be calming for her and you as well?

You can build new neural pathways and heal your nervous system. It is indeed a process but it’s definitely possible and I’m beginning to experience these changes myself. I’m beginning to replace self-punishment with self-care, catching myself out when I’m hard on myself and directing kindness towards myself instead. You can develop this capacity too.

See if you can begin to come from a place of kindness towards yourself in your own heart. Just hold warmth and love for yourself. There’s actually a nice TED talk on this topic by Dr Kristin Neff called The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion.

Sending kindness and hugs to you,

ER

Rowen13

Hello ER,

Thank you so much for responding to my ramblings. You are such a kind hearted person and I really appreciate your advice. I feel so alone and overwhelmed. My mum is housebound and mostly has to lie in bed. I come over and cook, clean etc because my brothers/sister have decided they are no longer interested. I don't care because they are rats and have abandoned me a long time ago.

You are so accurate in the way you see the mother/child dynamic. In so many ways you get me more than anyone has ever done. My older siblings see me as a loser, unemployed, unmarried, childless, friendless and have decided to just walk.

I have parented my mum for years and yet like you described there is a large part of me who never had the chance to experience unconditional love as a child. So in a lot of ways I am both the parent and the scared child constantly seeking reassurance and love at 50.

I feel betrayed by my siblings, yet wonder why...since they are all either physically or verbally abusive to me.

I will definitely look at the Ted Talk you mentioned since I can't afford therapy.

I'm just feel so drained and tired all the time. Managing not only my health and my life, whilst managing mum's whole life is exhausting.

I try to remember to breathe and pray for a miracle most days. I will never forgive my family for how they treated me. I can understand how they want to cut my mum off because of the abusive traumatic childhood but what exactly did I do to earn their disdain.

Thank you for sharing your personal experiences with me and being so sweet.

Sending kindness and hugs right back!

Take care of you 😊

Eagle Ray

Hello Rowen13,

Once again what you write resonates so much. Do you think perhaps that your siblings in a way have become like your mum? That’s what I’ve seen in my brother. He became really disdainful towards mum but in the process he became like her, and at times that disparaging, toxic side of him directs disdain towards me, so he’s essentially abusive to me in the way our mum was. Not only that, he’s chosen a partner who frequently acts disdainfully and aggressively, further reinforcing the trauma imprint from our childhood.

It does seem that a certain kind of narcissist parent will scapegoat one particular child who they give a hard time to, while also programming that child to be their carer. I imagine you have been similar to me in understanding your mother as a traumatised person whose adaptive response to trauma is to behave this way. I know my mother’s extreme rage outbursts were a response to the repressed rage from the random rageful physical and verbal attacks inflicted on her by her mother. She couldn’t defend at the time so she had to internalise the defence rage that was still stored and unresolved in her nervous system. With me I also internalised rage but I suppressed it intensely so it didn’t come out and that has led to health consequences as a result.

I think when you are a compassionate child and you can see through to the traumatised parent underneath their abusive behaviour, you do want to care for them. That is what happened with me and you sound like such a caring person who cannot just abandon your mother even when she doesn’t treat you well. I really understand that. I found in the last few years there was a lot of healing with my mum and we had some lovely phone conversations in particular. But a year before she died, just before I moved in with her to care for her, my brother really disdainfully attacked her. As he was her golden child this caused her to shatter emotionally and it’s like all the good healing progress between mum and I unravelled. I lost her at that point.

What your response as a carer tells me is you have sensitivity and empathy and those are really good qualities to have. The challenge is how to protect yourself, prioritise yourself and nurture yourself, giving yourself the same attention and kindness you give others. These are the lessons I am learning now.

The thing I was thinking about with the Kristin Neff TED talk is when she speaks about really holding yourself with compassion in really difficult situations. Sometimes all we have in the moment is that self-compassion to hold ourselves together and get through. I know it’s hard not being able to afford to see a psychologist but there are certainly a lot of online resources. I listen to podcasts a lot while doing chores like the dishes and even use them to help me sleep at night, if they are voices I find comforting to listen to. It helps me feel like there is human company.

Rowen13, I think you have what it takes to get through this. I would say allow your kindness and compassion to carry you through. Know you are held in the safety of that because no one can take that away from you.

Take care,

ER

Rowen13

Hello ER,

Thank you for the continued support. Your words ring with me too. I have 5 brothers and 1 sister and most of them have cut themselves off from the toxic environment decades ago. The remaining 2 brothers are very narcissistic and verbally abuse or try to use me to meet their own needs in expense of my own welfare. So not only do I know I cannot completely trust my mum, I feel like their is no one in my family I can turn to. My sister has never been close and with a 13 year age gap she barely tolerates me.

I feel so alone and wake up every morning wishing I was dead. I know the whole day I will be alone unless I'm caring for my mum. It's not a happy time of course and she cries because she is scared of death and mourns all of her children who she feels has abandoned her. Like most narcissists she is completely unaware, how she was never a healthy parent and her children ran away to protect their mental health.

I do hold anger in my heart that they have even at the end sacrificed me to be at mum's side, completely alone. It wouldn't matter so much if I had a partner or friend for support. I have no idea how somebody is supposed to go through this completely alone.

I don't want to live my life anymore when all I feel is pain, grief, fear and loneliness. I am have only survived this long because I am to scared to die.

My whole life has been misspent and I can't imagine ever being happy. Homelessness still makes me anxious, my whole financial situation makes me anxious. I don't see the point of getting through each day when you have no one to talk to or who cares if you are breathing or not.

I really don't want to live anymore. I wish I was brave. I wish I was happy but all I am is alone.

I'm sorry for being so negative. I'm not holding on well at all...each day as my complete abandonment from my siblings set in and my uncertain future looms over my head the more I feel like alone and suicidal I feel.

I come here often to reread words of support because right now this site and Lifeline helpline is all I have.

Take care of yourself,

Rowen13

Eagle Ray

Dear Rowen13,

I also had no one when caring for my mum so I know it is extremely hard. It is really important to ask for help which I know I didn't do enough of, but looking back there were likely more supports than I realised even though family was not one of them. You are already starting this process such as by contacting the social worker. See if you can focus on the here and now in terms of what can be done, rather than looking at the whole of your life, past and future, in a catastrophic way. At the moment you are in a spiral, and the awful perimenopausal symptoms, which I know from experience can create dark thoughts, would not be helping.

I am wondering if your mum is mostly bedridden, is there something you can do with her that would be calming and healing for both of you. One thing you could try is reading to her. I don't know if this resonates or is something she would like, but you might be able to find out from her a story she loved from her childhood. Sometimes that is the greatest gift you can give to someone in the latter part of their life, to help them connect with a healing memory. If your mum is like my mum, there is this beautiful person underneath the trauma and narcissistic behaviour that was compromised a long time ago. But the essence of that person is still there.

Although my mum was so harsh to me from childhood onwards, there were these moments of peace. I remember she loved the sound of the boobook owl that would call at night. It was like I would see this gentleness come out in her spirit. I remember being with her in the back garden listening to the owl. When I was 33 I wrote her a song in which I included the memory of listening to the owl. For the first time in my life she reached to hug me and said, "It was a beautiful day when you came into the world". Until that point I had been told so many terrible things about myself, belittled, humiliated etc. I had felt hated by her. But out came this love that was buried under all of the cruelty. I cried for a couple of hours after that.

When my mum was in the hospital and was actually dying but we didn't know she was about to die yet, my brother and I were in a neighbouring room to the operating theatre. My brother noticed a calendar on the wall and on it was a boobook owl. I actually knew in that moment that mum was going to die and that was actually what happened. I really felt her spirit with us. A few days later you wouldn't believe it. A family a boobook owls came to live at the house that I was in that was mum's house and I'd grown up in. There were 3 babies and they stayed for weeks. I would sit with them outside at night and interact with them. One morning I even woke up to the sound of the parent and one of the baby owls talking to each other outside my bedroom window at dawn.

I tell this story because there are healing forces beyond what we realise a great deal of the time. I know that by sharing my memory of listening to the boobook owl with my mum in the song, it shifted something in her. Then when she was dying it was like a spirit connection that was there, holding her safely has she passed and holding me in my grief. So I guess what I'm saying is you have an opportunity now to create a healing memory, or several healing memories, with your mum. It is these things that you can hold in your heart and sustain you when moving through grief.

I still have to do the work of processing the damage that was done to me by both my parents and I am working through that now, but there are these things that connect us and are deeply healing. It is where we expand in ourselves with love instead of contract in fear, grief, loneliness and pain. See if you can let go enough of the stress and struggle just to feel some of that expansion and possibility.

Sending you much love and support,

ER

Rowen13

Hi ER,

I find it so incredibly hard to focus on the here and now, not to catastrophise everything. I think this is due a lot to my circumstances and excerbated by my GAD. I can't seem to calm down and my mind gallops into terror and horror for the future. I am treatment resistant and was on SSRI'S for 10 years but my body started to reject them and goes in to a host of allergic reactions now when I try to reintroduce them in to my system. So I dealt without meds for over a year now.

I just think you are amazing and I almost feel like I'm talking to a twin spirit lol. Maybe you are stronger since you are beginning to see some light and progress in your life and mental health. You should be so proud of yourself!

But the way you articulate how as children we always had adult responsibilities and was taught to be competent really fast to cope and look after the parent. And this subsequently forfeited us ever having our childhood needs met and feelings validated. A secure unconditional love was never provided and we were never taught how to love ourselves.

I can't explain to anyone how I feel but you continually express it beautifully.

I feel like I'm not fully living any moment with my mum. When I am with her my brain is racing ahead trying to make sure that I don't go homeless and have some form of income. So perhaps I am losing precious time with her but it's hard because my anxious mind screams at me to get everything organised.

I still cannot please my mum and whatever I do is not enough. She apologises now that she didn't give us an education or a chance in life. That she brought us up depending on the welfare system and thought that was how all families lived.

Starved, beaten and homeless as a child is not normal. Stealing food as a child to est is not normal. I don't hate her but I just wish she never gave birth to me and I was never born. I am a product of a one night stand and it kills me to think, if only that night never happened I would of been spared so much pain.

I'm angry because she had 7 children and couldn't afford any of them and didn't know how to look after herself, let alone us.

I still want to forgive it all but I can't breathe because I am stuck in proverty and I will be alone soon. I can't get a job and the government has ended funding to get carers back into employment. I have no references, no confidence after a decade, no assets, no house of my own or a car to live in since it will soon be repossessed since I can't continue the repayments.

All my family think I'm lazy for not working, I have tried before and applied for part time work at Coles and have been rejected.

I'm so tired of being worried about the future but having clinical depression and GAD is not something you can just switch off.

I don't smile or laugh. I cry for a hour a day to lighten the weight on my chest.

I'm not brave enough to take my life but the loneliness and losing my mum will push me over the edge.

I've told all medical professionals about my suicidal ideation but have been offered no real help. I am too poor to afford a psychologist and I really can't see the light at the end of this tunnel.

Just really wish for human connection in real life, someone to talk to you, who cares and has your back.

I never feel enough. Strong enough. Capable enough. I'm amazed how strong you are.

Sending you love and kindness back,

Rowen13

Eagle Ray

Dear Rowen13,

One thing I have recently learned is higher levels of histamine in the body can make a person treatment resistant to the antidepressants you mention. We aren’t normally allowed to speak about specific meds here but hopefully it’s ok for me to speak generally. What happened to me about a decade ago is I started to develop histamine intolerance, only I didn’t know what it was then. It manifested as a constant post nasal drip and cough. I’ve since learned this is quite common in some women in perimenopause which for me started to become noticeable at 41. As oestrogen starts to both spike and crash at this time, during the spikes it can really push up histamine. When histamine is high, a person can become treatment resistant to that antidepressant. So it may be linked to what was happening in your body that you became treatment resistant and your allergic reaction may suggest histamine involvement. It’s to do with the interplay with serotonin and histamine. As I’m the same age as you I do wonder if you’ve been getting histamine intolerance too in relation to perimenopause. For me HRT really helped my mental health but spiked high histamine levels. I’m on a low histamine diet now which is helping. I’ve found it’s quite difficult getting adequate medical help in this area as it isn’t well understood and I’ve had to do a huge amount of research on my own.

I feel for you so much as you’ve had such a tough time. I agree, you cannot just switch off clinical depression and GAD. I feel you so need support at a mental health level and that it’s important to let the social worker know when you see them. With my psychologist I do not see her every week. I contact her when I have a particular issue I want to address and she can usually accommodate me 1-2 weeks from that time. Last year I saw her 14 times, the first 10 on a Mental Health Care Plan and the last 4 on an Enhanced Primary Care Plan. While both provide a Medicare rebate I realise this may still be a bit much for you financially, but that’s where finding a psychologist with a sliding scale or even willing to bulk bill (which I know is not common) may be helpful. I feel your circumstances and your entire history warrants it. You have been in financial struggle always and I feel there has to be someone out there who can help.

I just tried doing a search of bulk billing psychologists in Australia. If you do the same you should see some options. Some of them may be via Telehealth but this can even work well in that it saves on travel costs and you will have a wider selection of people to choose from. You could look for someone who specialises in OCD, GAD and depression. I’m diagnosed with Complex PTSD, anxiety and depression. You may want to look up someone who specialises in Complex PTSD as well as, while I can’t provide a diagnosis, what you describe from your childhood does sound like complex trauma. The psychologist I see via Telehealth is actually in a different state to me, so it’s also possible to cast your net wide to find someone who is a really good fit for you, as that is so important for a good therapeutic alliance that will really understand and support you.

Those are just thoughts and it’s completely up to you what to do. But what I have learned is that with perseverance the right help can be found. One thing you will be good at from your life experience is perseverance. That’s something I’ve really learned about myself. The key is also balancing that with some letting go and finding some peace and groundedness in the present moment.

Another option that just occurred to me would be a carer support group. That would be an opportunity to meet people in person and may help with the need for human connection. There are various carer’s organisations in different states and you could give them a ring or look at their websites. There will be ways to be less alone but it’s just finding them.

Sorry I just wrote a lot again! But trying to identify some options and hopefully practical possible solutions.

As far as not feeling enough, a friend of mine who also has CPTSD has really recognised and helped me by saying that we have always been enough. There is nothing wrong with us and never has been. It is only our conditioning that created that illusion. It isn’t real. You are more than enough right now in this moment.

Take care,

ER