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My story :)

Jess92
Community Member
Hello, my name is Jess. I have been living with my partner for about 7 years which is a same sex relationship. Recently her dad has been crossing a line with me; and I feel like its my fault . Would love to hear from anyone that has advice or has been in a similar situation:) 
10 Replies 10

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

 

I'm a 67yo dad of a 34yo daughter. 

 

What I can report is when she had friends years ago, I felt in a strange situation. If I joked with my daughters female friend I had to limit that joking even though I'm a jokester often. I was always worried I'd be misinterpreted. If I didnt joke and try to get along with her I felt guilt that she might think I was a grumpy old man. 

 

This fine line could be a problem similar to how you feel with you and her dad... but might not be either.  See, the location of that fine line is not the same for every individual. What could be seen as over stepping the line with you might not be with her father, or her. That doesnt mean its ok, it means somehow you need to take some form of action to make that line more visible to him. Your line in the sand is actually what matters, but if he is genuinely loving and is showing that he just wants to accept you are a quasi daughter then you are dealing with a potentially explosive situation if you highlight that line and he takes it badly.

 

For the above reason a gentle pull back from an extended hug, or a gentle turn of your head with a goodbye kiss etc is the best way to show that line.

 

My concern and perhaps your is that he has other intentions. Even if he hasnt got them, its normal to feel someone might have them. But the actions from you to show that line are no different.

 

People are different. My mother in law (dec 2 years ago) would only kiss on the lips. I had known her for 30 years as my wife and I were best friends until we married 12 years ago. I asked my wife about this and she told me her mum always had the belief that a kiss is not a kiss unless its on the lips. So even though I felt uncomfortable I kissed her on the lips anyway. Maybe I should have stuck to my own beliefs that my lips are only for my wife??? So its up to the individual. 

 

I think your judgement on all of the above is for you to decide and even though you have known her dad for several years you might need to put in place your own little subtle barriers whereby he learns your limits and adjusts accordingly.

 

TonyWK

Hi Tony, thank you so much for your reply! You sound like a very caring and concerned dad that’s for sure 🙂 I am 31 and to also explain the situation better too, my partners mum recently had heart surgery and isn’t interested in “that side” of things due to being in pain from the surgery etc and this is when it started. At first I thought it was accidental until things progressed a bit more where he would try and follow me to mine and my partners room. I am definitely trying to make the line more obvious and crossing my arms as indication to not come near me I’m just afraid of what could happen 

indigo22
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Jess92,

I have just been reading your post and wanted to share with you a similar situation that happened years ago.

I left home at 16 and had been in my place for only a short time. My sister was heavily pregnant at the time and one night my brother in law came to visit me. He was drunk and even at 16, I could tell what his intentions were. 

I have never thought that was my fault, in fact I was disgusted that he thought it was okay to think of me as a substitute. That kind of behaviour is not okay and you are not to blame for his misguided thoughts or assumptions. In my case, I was fortunate that I was not alone so nothing came of it. My suggestion would be to not be alone in his company and if you end up alone with him for some reason, I would be diverting the conversation to being about his wife and how her recovery is going, reminding him he already has a partner.

If this behaviour persists, you may need to have a talk with your partner about it and let her know how it is affecting you.

I'm sorry you feel afraid in your own home, no one should have to deal with that.

Take care,

indigo22

Jess92
Community Member

Hi Indigo,

thank you so much for sharing your situation and what happened. That’s horrible 😞 it is very difficult for me and I am in the process of learning self defence which is really good for me and it’s making me stronger mentally and physically! A situation happened over the weekend where my partners mum had to go back to hospital as she was having problems and my partner got asked to go with and I said about how I don’t feel comfortable about it but it turned into me being blamed for being selfish and there are things I can do to avoid it so it really was hard, I can lock myself away but he still comes out so it doesn’t always work:(

indigo22
Community Champion
Community Champion

Good for you Jess, learning self defence is a really good way to gain your confidence.

I am not sure I entirely understand your situation, are you in the same home as your partners parents?

If you are, then your options are probably a bit more limited. Either way, if you are alone with him, could you tell him you need to go for your daily walk/run to keep up your exercise? If he says he will go with you, at least you are not alone in the house with him so he can't do anything to make you uncomfortable, and if he decides to stay behind, you could stay out for an extended period of time, get a coffee, see a friend or anything else that will help you feel safe.

I'm sorry talking to your partner turned out like that, that hardly seems fair to you.

I'll be around if you want to talk more about it, I am sure we can come up with some ideas to keep you feeling safe.

indigo

Jess92
Community Member

Hi Indigo,

I love self defence it has changed the way I see different situations as well! 
yes unfortunately I do live with my partners family currently until I can save to move out. I try and get away as much as I can when I am alone with him so I don’t have to be, it’s very awkward as he looks at me as well if I go into the kitchen to grab something and no one else is there. Lots of situations make me feel uncomfortable and the house in general is a toxic environment 

thanks heaps for replying and chatting 

indigo22
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Jess,

I wanted to give you a couple of contacts to talk with someone in real time should you ever need to use them (hopefully you won't, but better to have them on your phone just in case).

 

Both of these helplines also offer referrals to other services if needed.

1800RESPECT - 1800 737 732 - 24 hour helpline

QLife - 1800 184 527 - helpline from 3pm to midnight

 

I also wanted to suggest trying again to talk with your partner at a more appropriate time, as your last conversation was at a time when your partner was pre-occupied with what was happening with her mother.

The title of partner should encompass all things and making sure you feel safe should be a priority to your partner.

Here if you want to talk anytime,

indigo

Jess92
Community Member

Hi Indigo,

thank you for those numbers, it’s always good to know there is help should I need to contact anyone 🙂

it’s a hard situation to be in and sometimes I am told that I am all about myself only but trying to work on plans so I am not alone which isn’t always easy. The gap between my work finish time and my partners will become a lot more as of next week, it was only about an hour which will now be 5 hours 😕

indigo22
Community Champion
Community Champion

You are most welcome Jess,

I don't know what hours of the day you need to fill, but thinking somewhere like the local library might be an option for you. You can use the computer or read a book that interests you. Try to think outside the box to fill some time without being too tiring for you after work.

I hope you will be able to get out of this uncomfortable situation soon, you shouldn't have to live like this.

Take care,

indigo