My partner struggles with alcohol and its adversely affected our relationship. It's left me feeling

[Caity88]

I'm not sure if this falls under trauma or depression but the entire time I have been with my partner he has suffered from alcoholism. It has caused our family a lot of pain over the 5 years we have been together. We share a 2 year old and i am left to care for him alone as my partner works away and when he's home he is unreliable and is intoxicated or hungover. He forgets he has a family when he's drinking and it makes me feel very unloved. There's obviously so much more to this story but I guess I'm just wondering if I left the relationship would I be better able to help myself heal and get better? Or am I depressed because that's just who I am and am I just trying to blame it on him? 

[white knight]

Hi welcome 

Addiction is hard to live with. I have no encouraging news.

My last relationship lasted 10 years but after 6 years she became a closet drinker. She became violent, abusive especially towards my teenage daughters.  

I tried everything, limits on wine consumption etc and shed blame my bipolar for her drinking problems... this is common but not right.

I can only suggest you try to get him to AA meetings and vist a couples counselling service. If he won't go then go alone. 

The shock of possible separation can change his thinking but of course it's a last resort. 

I hope you are OK, if not ring lifeline of the number at the bottom of the page.

TonyWK 

[sbella02]

Caity88, thank you so much for posting, it must've taken so much courage and strength to open up here. I'm so sorry to hear that you've been suffering. Alcoholism can be such a destructive force in people's lives.

One thing that I had to ask myself with a previous partner who struggled with alcoholism was whether I was getting what I needed from him, and whether I was getting it consistently. From what you have said, it sounds to me like you need him to be a supportive, reliable, and present partner and father. It may be good to consider these kinds of qualities - what is most important to you in both a partner and a father? Does he fulfil this role in a consistent way? Is he fulfilling not only your needs, but also the needs of your child and family as a whole?

Have you had a chat with him about his behaviour at all? If you haven't, or if it has been a while, it may be worth opening up a calm, non-judgemental conversation about how his behaviour is affecting you and your family, what you expect from him, and whether he would be open to getting help with his alcoholism. If this is the approach you decide would be best for you, there are several resources that may be helpful to look into. The National Alcohol and Other Drug Hotline could be beneficial, otherwise the Alcohol and Drug Foundation may have some good advice, resources, and information. 

I hope this helps, and I wish you all the best in this situation. Make sure you're taking care of your own mental health during this time as well. Taking care of yourself will also put you in a better headspace to think through what you'd like to do in this situation, and also to take the best care of your child as well. 

All the best, SB

[Caity88]

Thank you so much for your insight. It has helped a lot. 🙂 and sorry you've gone through loving someone with addiction also, it's a very unknown and turbulent time.

I have begged, pleaded and done everything I possibly can to try help him and try get him to choose us. I've now given up and gone with the mantra of "let them". Too many lies and false promises have been made for there to be any trust. 

Consistency and emotional support is definitely what I'm needing, you are spot on

[sbella02]

Thank you - it wasn't a great situation but retrospectively, I have learned a lot about love, needs, and how to set clear boundaries, hence the tone of my advice.

I'm also a big fan of the "let them" mentality. If somebody is knowingly being "selfish" with their actions, regardless of how much we may try and help them understand how it's hurting others, there comes a point where we must accept what is out of our control, recognise when it's our time to walk away and prioritise our own needs and feelings. I only say "selfish" with quotation marks because selfishness is complex and can sometimes be a good thing. However, there is a strong element of the bad kind of selfishness here - he is neglecting his partner and family, and that's not fair on you. 

I think it's a good thing that you've recognised that despite your best efforts to help him change his behaviour, the way he is treating you is not okay. You've done all you can do. That takes strength to recognise when you're being treated unfairly, and even more so to set that boundary and take action. You're doing very well, I really hope you know.

[therising]

Hi Caity88

Living with a drinker can lead to a lot of disappointments and those disappointments can definitely be felt as depressing at times. So, no, depressed is not who you are. If anything, you're a feeler of what or who is depressing. Btw, while being a feeler of high end emotions can be exciting and amazing, at the other end of the spectrum (regarding low end emotions) it can be so hard at times to make sense of and manage what we feel and how we feel it.

I've gradually woken up bit by bit over the years, when it comes to my husband's drinking and the side effects of it. While I'm far more 'matter of fact' these days, I used to think 'Am I being unreasonable? Am I being difficult or too demanding? Why do I have a problem with his drinking when he doesn't? Is it just me?'. I'd say that if anything woke me up it would have to be the ongoing disappointments over the years and the number of them. They all began to add up over time

• I appoint you the role of 'He who is mentally and emotionally conscious most of the time'. Through drinking, he disappointed himself from this role on many occasions
• I appoint you the role of 'He who seeks adventures with me in the relationship we share'. Through drinking and a longing for being close to his tv and bar fridge, he disappointed himself from this role on so many occasions
• I appoint you the role of 'He who faces the really tough challenges with me'. Based on him drinking through the toughest of challenges that he didn't want to feel, he disappointed himself from this role which left me alone to face the toughest of challenges or led me to have to find someone who could partner me through such challenges (such as friends or family members)

It's a long list, so I won't go on.

Once I began to become more conscious of the disappointments, a part of me woke up which led me to officially disappoint my husband from a number of roles. 'I no longer appoint you as someone who's mentally and emotionally conscious most of the time, as someone who adventures with me, as someone who's present in the way of tough challenges' etc etc. With a drinker, there are a lot of disappointments to be faced. How we manage the disappointments can either feel depressing or liberating. Of course, the final conscious disappointment in a relationship with our partner can be 'I no longer appoint you the role of my partner in life'.

It can also be about the roles we begin to appoint our self. I smile when I say I have appointed myself the role of 'She who no longer tolerates certain altered states of consciousness that can come with drinking'. Nothing wrong with being constructively intolerant on occasion. It can be good for self-esteem and mental and emotional wellbeing.